Going to have to accept his porn use

[KittyCakes]

My husband has watched porn since he was a teenager and it emerged that his use of it was more of an addiction about 4 years ago. We've been together 5 and a half years and I knew nothing of it at first. We have two young children, one of them with SEN. Leaving him is not an option, I don't want to, because I would never cope as a single mum and he is a good dad.

However despite therapy for porn addiction a couple of years back, he just can't drop it. He repeatedly lies about it to me, saying that he's doing better, then it transpires that he's not. This has happened so many times. I'm now at the point where I'm just going to assume that he's always going to watch it and he has zero control over being able to stop. He's shown that. It's actually the lying about it which saddens me the most. This afternoon I angrily told him to watch porn whenever he wants because that way I can't be hurt by lies as I will just have to accept that's what he's doing. He says he want to change but I don't think he can or will. For what it's worth, I hate the porn industry. To me, it's totally deprave.

Has anyone else just had to accept that porn will always have a hold over their other half?

This!! This whole thread is so funny to me. Porn has existed since humans have existed, and it’s not all abused women and human trafficking. Tons of amateur and female led porn exists. But heaven forbid women relate sex to empowerment - everyone here clutching their pearls!

Ofc all men don't watch porn. They make up half the population. They aren't a homogeneous group all with the same mind. A lot of mem do, probably the majority. But obviously some won't. Some will find it gross. There are 4 billion men ofc They don't all have the same opinion on anything. Just ridiculous to claim otherwise.

Will you be able to accept when he fucks up his ability to keep it hard because he's conditioned to porn?

It is much easier being a single mum than living with a man who makes you feel like shit. For real.

You don't have to accept anything

😂😂😂

Photography wasn’t invented until the 19th century. 🫤

Never seen any prehistoric statues then? All hips, tits and arse.

What is it about his porn use that particularly bothers you? Are you morally opposed to porn? Does it make you feel less desirable? Is it impacting your romantic or sex life? Is it taking him away from work or family life? All are valid reasons to dislike it but why you dislike it will impact how you can either come to terms with it or not.

My DH uses porn. I have no idea how frequently, what type of when he uses etc and I don't want or need to know because it isn't impacting our relationship or family life or his mental health. I have a mildish moral objection to porn but less so than other things people accept in partners, and no one is perfect, so I leave this one alone and honestly, it only crosses my mind when threads like this come up! I think relationships are like houses, you always have to compromise on something, but only you can say whether the compromise is acceptable.

Oh god. You are so ignorant. Not all men are into porn. Don't be so stupid. You can't just put half the population into one box. I honestly couldn't give a shit about porn and if men watch it. But apply some common sense and logic ffs. 🙄

I think this is a difficult one. Before I met dh I would have said all men watch porn and as a younger, more naive version of myself I accepted that and was okay with it. Then I met dh and I remember when we first started seeing each other I made a joke about watching porn (can’t remember what it was but along the lines of being okay with it) and he was horrified. He really genuinely detests it and actually hates it. Over the 15 years we’ve been together I’ve come to understand some of this is connected to him being sexually assaulted by an older man as a teenager and I have no reason to doubt his views on porn whatsoever, especially considering I had essentially given him the light to use it. So I appreciate I am coming from a point of view where my dh doesn’t like porn so perhaps that changes things a little but I am now, as an older woman, fairly anti porn, I really hate it and wouldn’t be okay with a partner watching it if I knew about it. But - I’d just rather not know. If dh suddenly decided he wanted to watch it I don’t think it would bother me as long as it was very mainstream stuff but I wouldn’t want to find out. So I can see where you’re coming from. I do think maybe - as someone has pointed out - he seems to enjoy you shaming him somehow. All seems very odd.

I know people (men) think early art like the Venus of Willendorf was made by and for men to wank over. However there are also theories that when many women died in childbirth or would not have enough food, etc, they created the deities to help them with childbirth and breastfeeding.

Lots of art from the Indus Valley is overtly sexual - depicting sex acts, but this was also in keeping with a belief system of the world being created by sex. Lots of variations on the Sky God fertilising the Earth Goddess.

If he is serious about stopping it can be blocked through your router at home and it came be blocked on his phone

Looking at porm once a week is not an addiction or something I'd consider a problem. But if he's lying to you, that is a problem and probably is hiding an addiction. If it's affecting his life, yours and your DC lives, then it's a problem.

I'm sorry you feel that you don't have enough support to leave what is obviously an unhappy situation for you. But you do say that you'd be financially secure and that he is a good dad, so these two things should be the basis of giving you the confidence to start organising a separation. You've given him every opportunity to change and you've supported him for a long time, it's time for him to realise that you deserve a different kind of life and if he can't provide it, then he should support you and your DC when setting up a home and life of your own.
I inderstand you have a lot of needs for both you and DC so take it one step at a time. There is no immediate rush unless you think you are in immediate danger. Write a list of things you'd need to do to start your new life. What would be the most important going? for example, would you have to find new sccommodation or would DP leave family home?
Break things down to bite sized tasks. It may take a while but each time you accomplish sometimes off your list, your confidence will grow. Don't be afraid to ask for help and support. There really will be people out there who'll want to help bit you and your DC.
Good luck OP 💐

@KittyCakes
Are you willing to accept this is normal behaviour in your household going forward? Do you want your children to think this is normal? If both answers are yes, then you’ll just have to find a way to deal with it.

Hang on I actually hate porn with a passion I think it's a cancer in our society but I think saying anyone who watches it likes seeing woman and things being abused is way over the top. It really depends on what he's watching surely

Hate to break it to you, but porn isn’t just photos and videos.

Are you seriously saying that you see no difference between a depiction of the naked body in a sculpture form and a video of two people actually engaging in sex (often with sexual violence)?

Where is he accessing porn? On his phone, in the privacy of your bedroom/bathroom?

Or in front of you?

Is there a porn addicts anonymous type of group he could go to? I know that my alcoholic friends in recovery have found those regular meetings to be essential in holding them to sobriety as they feel accountable to the others in the group and understood by them. He needs some kind of ongoing therapy or support - though as with all addictions he needs to recognise that it's a problem. Does he?

Makes me feel nothing. Doesn't bother me if they do or don't.

Please do some research, as evidence suggests there’s a clear difference between say a naked statue and historical erotic art.

Yes I know that, pornography is an Ancient Greek word for ‘writing about prostitutes’.

I imagine that the OP means what else considers it to mean in the modern day, something involving a camera and it’s images.

I suppose Hentai is on the increase, but still niche.

You just made up your own definition of porn there ... for you, it's video only, for clumsycat it seems to be photography. It's true that definitions of porn vs erotica vs art are many and varied ... one man's porn is another's high art ... but my comment is about 'porn has always existed'. It didn't appear out of nowhere when video cameras were invented you know!

What everyone else considers