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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling Triggered with MIL visits

97 replies

MelThomas1 · 16/04/2023 09:24

Hi everyone,

Just wanted some input and advice from you guys.

My mother in law has been round more often during the Easter holidays. I can't really pinpoint a direct comment or act that is a big deal but I find her so triggering to the point this Friday I was in tears after she left. She came on Friday and bought lots of toys for the kids, even though she never buys them anything (aside from Christmas where she gives money usually). I said in a polite way, aww thank you for the gifts but you shouldn't have, they've got so many, they have so many toys as it is. I reminded my children to say thank you to her for the toys as she was leaving, and she made a comment saying, "What I buy my grandchildren is between me and them, nothing to do with you. Don't get involved with me and my grandchildren!" I just find her so bizarre. All I was doing is teaching my children to be polite and say thank you. She's always making passive agressive comments. My first DD died a day after she was born, and she wasn't very supportive, in fact she was the opposite, it was like she was pleased I didn't have a baby. She didn't hug me or say anything comforting. In fact, she called me two days after burying my baby to "share the good news" with me that her nephew in America has had a beautiful baby girl two days prior and how excited she is for them and she is going to buy clothes and toys for them. Then about three or four weeks after burying my baby, she brought the neighbours round with their six month old baby and took the baby and placed him on my lap and said how cute is he, here you go, hold him. And she just had this intense stare like she was looking for me to be upset. And when I did finally cry, she smiled and said I'll take him, if you want.

She also would say how it's not a big deal my baby died and I'm being impatient by crying all the time as many others have gone through much worse than I have and they have handled it better than me and how I actually didn't know my baby or raise her up so how can I be so upset. And then she said I raised my son up for 26 years and gave him to you, look at me do I complain about that. I lost my son to you. I never understood why she was so horrible to me considering I went out of my way to involve her in my pregnancy, took her shopping to help choose baby stuff like clothes, buggy, baby swing, blankets and so on. I made a lot of effort because I knew she would be feeling insecure and jealous and wanted to abate that and let her know she is a part of our lives.

There's lots of these horrible comments that have been said over 15 years and after my other children were born, I always felt triggered when she held my children. She even made comments about how ugly my rainbow DD was compared to the next door's baby who was born a week earlier. She would say my DD isn't as cute but she might grow into her nose and comments like that. Thankfully, we had enough money to move out just after my rainbow DD turned one and since then I've kept a distance, short weekly or fortnightly visits for 2-3 hours. She's even said when my rainbow DD was little that she should call her mama, and how my children would be more attached to her than me (this was when I was living with her). I find it so triggering when she keeps saying to my children, you're my sweetheart, etc, after calling them ugly as babies. She hugs them rarely but when she does she stares at me as she is hugging them and says, look they're hugging me, look she wants to play with me, etc. And when my children were toddlers and they would call out to me saying Mama or Mummy, she would run and say yes, I'm here.

I just squirm when I'm around her, and I feel so triggered when she is there. I honestly have to prep myself before I see her, have a pep talk with myself. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it considering I am in my thirties and have a teenage daughter. This feeling only happens with her. My father in law and his wife are fine, I love inviting them regulalry and going to theirs.

My children saw me upset on Friday and they asked why, and I was so close to telling the older ones (8-13 years) about the real reason I was upset and how their granny has been horrible but I just left it. They're only kids, they won't understand and I don't want them to be affected.

AIBU for being upset or uncomfortable around her?

OP posts:

Randobelia · 16/04/2023 09:34

Her behaviour is unhinged. She is vile.

I am sorry for your loss. I think you need therapy to help you put in place very strong boundaries with her. What does your DH say?

This is probably one of the worst things I've read on here.

SallyWD · 16/04/2023 09:35

Her comments and behaviour are bizarre. They seem to go beyond being insensitive and are deliberately malicious.
I don't know what the answer is but I would really keep my distance as much as possible. What does your DH say about it all? I think he should deal with her from now on and you step back. Why should you keep being abused by this woman?

SkyandSurf · 16/04/2023 09:36

She's hideous.

I would never speak to her again.

What does your DH say?

Fuerza · 16/04/2023 09:37

Blimey. You'd need to be strong with a cold-hearted woman like that for a MIL.
Sorry you lost your first baby.

I feel threatened around manipulative people because I have the (real) fear that their manipulations might work.

So make a list of what is right for your family, wrong for your family, what you could live with.

If you hear a manipulative comment, the hard thing is to not react from that fear that the manipulation will work or at least, that's my fear.

That's why they trigger me!

that comment ''don't come between me and my grandchildren'' sounds so manipulative. I'd wrack my brain for a come back that lets her know that you see that type of comment for what it is. ''I feel like you're trying to tell me that you do what you want, no matter what, is that what you're trying to communicate?'' if she says 'oh gosh no no no'' give her the benefit of the doubt and say with a smile ''i'm so relieved''. But if she defends her position tell her that mother outranks grandmother and if she isn't aware of that then she will destroy her relationship with her grandchildren.

Give her a copy of Philippa Gregory's The little house for Christmas

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/04/2023 09:46

YANBU. She seems to be treating everything in your lives as a weird competition and deliberately trying to sabotage you so that she 'wins'. I think you spend a lot of time with her considering you don't like her. Why is that? Surely your husband and kids can go and see her separately from you if they want?

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 16/04/2023 09:53

She is absolutely disgraceful. No normal person behaves like that. I didn't have the best relationship with my now ex-MIL but she would never have treated me like that.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through OP. I honestly think you'd be completely justified in going NC and banning her completely from your home. She is actually abusive. What does your DH say?

rumpsteak · 16/04/2023 10:01

She's vile. I'd seriously be going NC with the bitch. Tell your DH she isn't allowed in your house anymore and he can navigate his own relationship with her.

Xjshdvf · 16/04/2023 10:05

Yikes I’d be withdrawing myself from any visits with her. She sounds awful. Let your husband arrange and be there for visits.

Emmamoo89 · 16/04/2023 10:09

YADNBU I'm so sorry for your loss of your first child. She's awful. You definitely want to go NC. X

Nimbostratus100 · 16/04/2023 10:09

sounds like she has lost one or more babies herself, and copes by pretending its no big deal, and tries to use you to prove that

CovertImage · 16/04/2023 10:12

What a bizarre person

Noicant · 16/04/2023 10:14

She’s unhinged, like seriously unhinged. I wouldn’t have her in my house tbh.

Cherrysoup · 16/04/2023 10:14

Your Dh needs to tell her to fuck off. I would not have her round.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 16/04/2023 10:15

You haven't mentioned your DH at all...does he support you? I know it's hard but there's no way i would have this woman in my house. The kids will pick up on the toxicity eventually and it won't be pleasant.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 16/04/2023 10:18

Is your Dh her only child?

SuperSleepyBaby · 16/04/2023 10:22

what benefit is there in meeting here?

maybe she has a personality disorder?

my mother is very difficult- although not as bad as your MIL. I’ve totally stepped back from my mother as she has no boundaries and tries to control me with sulks. I could write a book about all the incidents.

TheHoover · 16/04/2023 10:22

she is vile. 3 possible options:

put your foot down to your DH about her behaviour and get him to speak to her
go NC (ie go away unapologetically whenever she comes round)
have it out with her; tell her you have been upset by a lot of what she has said to you in the past and you feel she simply doesn’t like you. See what she says and what happens. I would guess nothing or a ton of counter accusations. Whoch then paves the way for 2. (And possibly 1.)

And don’t describe your feelings as ‘being triggered’ - this is nasty stuff and anyone would be upset (‘triggering’ indicates you might be lacking in resilience)

BartsLongLostBro · 16/04/2023 10:23

You really need to stand up for yourself and so does your DH.

Windingdown · 16/04/2023 10:23

She's sounds twisted, cruel and vile. No good can ever come from a relationship with someone like her.

mainsfed · 16/04/2023 10:26

I never say this, but she truly sounds evil, OP.

Tell DH that you never want to see her again. He can take DC to her for a couple of hours of supervised contact every fortnight but you must never be exposed to her again and she must never be left alone with your dc.

I don’t know why you feel so obliged and defeated that you have to pep yourself up to withstand her presence, is this coming from your DH? Does he tell you it’s all in your head and that she means well? Because she doesn’t mean well, she hates you.

maddy68 · 16/04/2023 10:27

She sounds hideous. What does your dh say ?

Curseofthenation · 16/04/2023 10:28

I don't understand...I would have gone NC after MIL treated you so awfully when your first baby died. She deserves no contact with your DC. They don't need to be around a rotten person like her, and that horrid side will become apparent to them one way or another in the future.

I don't think I could respect my DH for remaining in contact following her behaviour either. What kind of a man would stand by and allow this treatment?

Tinkerbyebye · 16/04/2023 10:29

She sounds aweful. Never mind what you dh says you simply get him to read what you say here, and tell him you are not seeing her again. If she wants to see the kids either it’s when he is here, and you go out or stay in another room or he takes them there

Invadersmustdie · 16/04/2023 10:34

Come on OP. You should never speak to this evil woman again. Why are you?

strawberry2017 · 16/04/2023 10:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. A son getting married is nothing compared to what you went through.
Start answering back. If you can't go NC that's fine but you don't have to put up with her shit. You married her son not her.

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