Feeling Triggered with MIL visits

[MelThomas1]

Hi everyone,

Just wanted some input and advice from you guys.

My mother in law has been round more often during the Easter holidays. I can't really pinpoint a direct comment or act that is a big deal but I find her so triggering to the point this Friday I was in tears after she left. She came on Friday and bought lots of toys for the kids, even though she never buys them anything (aside from Christmas where she gives money usually). I said in a polite way, aww thank you for the gifts but you shouldn't have, they've got so many, they have so many toys as it is. I reminded my children to say thank you to her for the toys as she was leaving, and she made a comment saying, "What I buy my grandchildren is between me and them, nothing to do with you. Don't get involved with me and my grandchildren!" I just find her so bizarre. All I was doing is teaching my children to be polite and say thank you. She's always making passive agressive comments. My first DD died a day after she was born, and she wasn't very supportive, in fact she was the opposite, it was like she was pleased I didn't have a baby. She didn't hug me or say anything comforting. In fact, she called me two days after burying my baby to "share the good news" with me that her nephew in America has had a beautiful baby girl two days prior and how excited she is for them and she is going to buy clothes and toys for them. Then about three or four weeks after burying my baby, she brought the neighbours round with their six month old baby and took the baby and placed him on my lap and said how cute is he, here you go, hold him. And she just had this intense stare like she was looking for me to be upset. And when I did finally cry, she smiled and said I'll take him, if you want.

She also would say how it's not a big deal my baby died and I'm being impatient by crying all the time as many others have gone through much worse than I have and they have handled it better than me and how I actually didn't know my baby or raise her up so how can I be so upset. And then she said I raised my son up for 26 years and gave him to you, look at me do I complain about that. I lost my son to you. I never understood why she was so horrible to me considering I went out of my way to involve her in my pregnancy, took her shopping to help choose baby stuff like clothes, buggy, baby swing, blankets and so on. I made a lot of effort because I knew she would be feeling insecure and jealous and wanted to abate that and let her know she is a part of our lives.

There's lots of these horrible comments that have been said over 15 years and after my other children were born, I always felt triggered when she held my children. She even made comments about how ugly my rainbow DD was compared to the next door's baby who was born a week earlier. She would say my DD isn't as cute but she might grow into her nose and comments like that. Thankfully, we had enough money to move out just after my rainbow DD turned one and since then I've kept a distance, short weekly or fortnightly visits for 2-3 hours. She's even said when my rainbow DD was little that she should call her mama, and how my children would be more attached to her than me (this was when I was living with her). I find it so triggering when she keeps saying to my children, you're my sweetheart, etc, after calling them ugly as babies. She hugs them rarely but when she does she stares at me as she is hugging them and says, look they're hugging me, look she wants to play with me, etc. And when my children were toddlers and they would call out to me saying Mama or Mummy, she would run and say yes, I'm here.

I just squirm when I'm around her, and I feel so triggered when she is there. I honestly have to prep myself before I see her, have a pep talk with myself. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it considering I am in my thirties and have a teenage daughter. This feeling only happens with her. My father in law and his wife are fine, I love inviting them regulalry and going to theirs.

My children saw me upset on Friday and they asked why, and I was so close to telling the older ones (8-13 years) about the real reason I was upset and how their granny has been horrible but I just left it. They're only kids, they won't understand and I don't want them to be affected.

AIBU for being upset or uncomfortable around her?

You poor thing. What a vile woman!

You don’t have to facilitate a relationship with her and your children. Talk to your DH about what she’s said and done to you over the years and see what he suggests.

In your shoes, I’d have cut her off long ago and I say that as a MIL to two lovely DIL’s and two DGC.

So sorry you are going through this.

Where is your DH in all of this?

Why are you allowing this awful woman near you or your home?

I presume her son is a waster who bullys you and doesn't support you?

Contact Women's aid.

You poor woman.

Thanks so much to everyone for responding. Makes me feel like I'm not being that horrible DIL for limiting children's contact with her.

We live a street away from her so I have limited contact to fortnightly visits. I suspect she is a narcissist. I read a book about three years back that had examples of narcissistic mothers and it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I realised the problem was not me, it was her. Years of questioning myself, what am I doing wrong, why is she horrible to me, the passive agressive remarks which no one really understand except you and that book just enlightened me that she was a narc. The fact she had no empathy for DH when our daughter died, I found it odd.

She's also very nice to me in front of others. It's like she can switch completely. She's so sweet in front of others.

I won't let me children go there without me because when they were younger she was left with them and my then toddler was chewing on a plugged in phone wire as I walked into the room and she was watching her chew on it! Before that she used to show photos of herself to my children and point to herself and say, "Say Mama," lol. I don't want to cut my children off totally from her because I don't want them to feel that I didn't let them get to know her when they grow up. As toxic as she is, I feel like at least I'm there to navigate them when she starts saying manipulative things.

As for DH, well, she never pipes up in front of him, everything is said when he isn't there. And he is her only child, so she has emotionally abused him, like I didn't marry again because I didn't want anyone to abuse yoy, I couldn't risk someone hurting you, she relays all her sacrifices she has done for him, etc. It's all a bit much and he loves being away from her but has a sense of duty towards her as she has no one else in her life. He has shouted at her and confronted her many times and she just got worse. I think we've realised to keep a distance and be civil to her is the best way and we know she won't change her ways. I tolerate her twice/thrice a month and that's it. But the holidays have been hard as she has been over quite a bit as we had a couple of events (birthday, Easter weekend and family BBQ) so she was invited.

So, I felt very triggered when she said don't get involved with me and my grandchildren, I can buy them what I want. But in isolation, that comment isn't a big deal, so I was surprised by my own emotions to that comment. It just brought up past memories, I suppose.

Can you not move far far away?

And refuse to see her anyway. If DH wants to see her, he can organise it and you can go out

As for DH, well, she never pipes up in front of him, everything is said when he isn't there.

I would start recording her.

But really, DH should just take DC to see her for a couple of hours. He can supervise the kids. Why do you feel you need to be there if their dad is with them?

If she is upsetting you at family events then stop inviting her.

And as a pp said - move far away.

It sounds as if you’re both deep in the FOG. fear obligation and guilt. You can google these terms. I would step back from her for a while If you choose to. You both have no obligation to see her. As for your children, especially your teen dd, she is watching how you react to this woman. I’m sure if this was her MIL you’d be advising her to go no contact.

This. Opt out. She’s a piece of shit but you are free to have zero to do with her. Her son can arrange and sort contact with her, block her number, enjoy peace.

She is evil. There are no excuses for this behaviour. I'd be NC with her. Your husband should be involved in this tell him exactly what has been said and done and that you will not tolerate it anymore.

You both need to confront this awful woman with some home truths and that she is no longer welcome in your lives or home. Her toxic attitude to you ends now.

You or your husband will not be the losers in this scenario, she will. What she said to you after the death of your baby is absolutely evil and unforgiveable. No second chances ever.

Have you chatted to your father in law? I wonder if a lot of the personality (disorder) issues she exhibits towards you were contributory to their divorce?
You could ask your DH to sit in - it may help bring him around to realising how narcissistic she actually is. I love the FOG reference upthread; I bet this explains your DH perfectly; it can often take a really long time for adults to realise quite how abusive a parent has been and make a decision to cut contact.

She is definitely using your children in a power play against you - if she is as sociopathic as she sounds she may actually have very few real feelings towards them. Take heart that they will begin to see through her as they grow up (despite the gifts). Her veil will no doubt slip sooner or later.

I would never tolerate this shitty behavior from my mil. If your dh feels he needs to see her then he can take the children to visit. If she has to come to your house, then go out! Don't put up with it.

@MelThomas1 There is power in seeing her for who she is. If you want to continue seeing her then accept it isn't personal to you. This is who she is and she would act this way with any woman your DH married. I would limit contact to twice a month though and if she questioned it I would simply respond " I don't want to spend more time with someone who treats me terribly" nothing else. You are going to have to keep an eye out though, she will ramp it up when your children get older and you may face a future of her trying to turn them against you. The only way you could slow that down is to move. Far away.

You need to emotionally distance yourself so she can’t hurt you anymore- I snapped and did this with my ILs. I still see them regularly but I have no respect for them, it sound harsh but it’s what I needed to do to protect myself.
My children are teens/young adults and can see exactly what my ILs are like through they way they talk to and about others, in time your children will see your MIL for who she is.

Your MIL actively hates you.

why are you still allowing her in your lives? she’s doing her best to damage your children

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Now, to current matters - you are their mother. You get to decide (for the time being at least) whether they should have a relationship with this woman.

I'll put it to you this way (and you should probably consider doing the same when you're speaking with your DH) - if she wasn't a blood relative, would you actively seek her out and let her have a relationship with your children? If the answer is no, then you have your answer.
Cut right back.
Let her complain.
Let her scream and shout that she isn't allowed to see her grandchildren again. If someone approaches you on her behalf (and they will, she'll activate her 'flying monkeys' on this one I'd bet) tell them why you're not allowing her to be involved any more. Just say it matter of fact. Or don't give them any reason at all. Either is perfectly acceptable.

But I would cut right back on exposing your children to the antics of this woman. No more going to visit her with the kids. If your Dh wants to visit his mother, he can go but your kids are busy. Start getting them involved in weekend clubs and activities and societies that will keep them busy (and of course you'll have to bring them to and from these activities so that rules you out too).

If my MIL ever dared day anything to me like that she'd be told in no uncertain terms that I decide what MY children get and who they have a relationship with and any further comments like that and she'd be out on her arse and I'd mean it too, but I'm a cow 🤷

She is an absolute cunt. What a horror. How she behaved to you after your dd died was just vile.

I wouldn't see her again.

💐

Good god have just read the rest of it. Honestly I'd go no contact with this awful woman. I didn't see my MIL 😔 once for a whole year before she apologised for a whole lot less than this! It was wonderful not seeing them and now when we do they're very very careful as they know they could be cut off at any point.

Your MIL sounds unhinged. How dreadful for you.
You are generous to allow your children to have a relationship with her.
Good for you to only have limited visits for set times.
Why doesn't your husband intervene?
Is she a woman who is truly immune to hearing truth?
I hope that your spouse upholds you in private and appreciates your efforts.

Why is your DH not speaking to her about this and telling her she must stop?

YABU for continuing to let her into your home.
IF you wish for your children to have a relationship with her, then only visit her with your DH.
Value your own well being & no longer let her visit you.
Sorry for the loss of your first baby 💐

OP,

So your husband is well aware that she is an awful woman yet you think your children have needed this abusive woman in their lives?

How bizarre.

No child needs ever know a vicious person, family or otherwise.

I think you should explore this with a therapist.

You have felt it necessary for this poisonous woman to be be in all of your lives for many years.

I genuinely find that so strange.

Anyone with a poisonous personality is not someone most people would want near their children, particularly someone you have acknowledged can turn it on and off and saves it for when your husband isn't around.

I mean it kindly, but I think you should have a look at your own part in allowing this poison to be a regular part of your family's life.

Your children are not being well served by your actions IMO.

Next time she says something hurtful or offensive say that's it you've had enough and cut your ties with her and don't back down is what I hope you do xx

She sounds absolutely awful. How you aren’t NC with her I will never know.

My MiL is one of the most selfish people I have ever come across. She used to make nasty digs to me (not as bad as your MiL) and also as they were getting older, my dds. Now neither of them want anything to do with her. They really dislike her and don’t go to see her now. I honestly think your DC will be the same and make up their own minds.