Hi everyone,
Just wanted some input and advice from you guys.
My mother in law has been round more often during the Easter holidays. I can't really pinpoint a direct comment or act that is a big deal but I find her so triggering to the point this Friday I was in tears after she left. She came on Friday and bought lots of toys for the kids, even though she never buys them anything (aside from Christmas where she gives money usually). I said in a polite way, aww thank you for the gifts but you shouldn't have, they've got so many, they have so many toys as it is. I reminded my children to say thank you to her for the toys as she was leaving, and she made a comment saying, "What I buy my grandchildren is between me and them, nothing to do with you. Don't get involved with me and my grandchildren!" I just find her so bizarre. All I was doing is teaching my children to be polite and say thank you. She's always making passive agressive comments. My first DD died a day after she was born, and she wasn't very supportive, in fact she was the opposite, it was like she was pleased I didn't have a baby. She didn't hug me or say anything comforting. In fact, she called me two days after burying my baby to "share the good news" with me that her nephew in America has had a beautiful baby girl two days prior and how excited she is for them and she is going to buy clothes and toys for them. Then about three or four weeks after burying my baby, she brought the neighbours round with their six month old baby and took the baby and placed him on my lap and said how cute is he, here you go, hold him. And she just had this intense stare like she was looking for me to be upset. And when I did finally cry, she smiled and said I'll take him, if you want.
She also would say how it's not a big deal my baby died and I'm being impatient by crying all the time as many others have gone through much worse than I have and they have handled it better than me and how I actually didn't know my baby or raise her up so how can I be so upset. And then she said I raised my son up for 26 years and gave him to you, look at me do I complain about that. I lost my son to you. I never understood why she was so horrible to me considering I went out of my way to involve her in my pregnancy, took her shopping to help choose baby stuff like clothes, buggy, baby swing, blankets and so on. I made a lot of effort because I knew she would be feeling insecure and jealous and wanted to abate that and let her know she is a part of our lives.
There's lots of these horrible comments that have been said over 15 years and after my other children were born, I always felt triggered when she held my children. She even made comments about how ugly my rainbow DD was compared to the next door's baby who was born a week earlier. She would say my DD isn't as cute but she might grow into her nose and comments like that. Thankfully, we had enough money to move out just after my rainbow DD turned one and since then I've kept a distance, short weekly or fortnightly visits for 2-3 hours. She's even said when my rainbow DD was little that she should call her mama, and how my children would be more attached to her than me (this was when I was living with her). I find it so triggering when she keeps saying to my children, you're my sweetheart, etc, after calling them ugly as babies. She hugs them rarely but when she does she stares at me as she is hugging them and says, look they're hugging me, look she wants to play with me, etc. And when my children were toddlers and they would call out to me saying Mama or Mummy, she would run and say yes, I'm here.
I just squirm when I'm around her, and I feel so triggered when she is there. I honestly have to prep myself before I see her, have a pep talk with myself. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it considering I am in my thirties and have a teenage daughter. This feeling only happens with her. My father in law and his wife are fine, I love inviting them regulalry and going to theirs.
My children saw me upset on Friday and they asked why, and I was so close to telling the older ones (8-13 years) about the real reason I was upset and how their granny has been horrible but I just left it. They're only kids, they won't understand and I don't want them to be affected.
AIBU for being upset or uncomfortable around her?