Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling Triggered with MIL visits

97 replies

MelThomas1 · 16/04/2023 09:24

Hi everyone,

Just wanted some input and advice from you guys.

My mother in law has been round more often during the Easter holidays. I can't really pinpoint a direct comment or act that is a big deal but I find her so triggering to the point this Friday I was in tears after she left. She came on Friday and bought lots of toys for the kids, even though she never buys them anything (aside from Christmas where she gives money usually). I said in a polite way, aww thank you for the gifts but you shouldn't have, they've got so many, they have so many toys as it is. I reminded my children to say thank you to her for the toys as she was leaving, and she made a comment saying, "What I buy my grandchildren is between me and them, nothing to do with you. Don't get involved with me and my grandchildren!" I just find her so bizarre. All I was doing is teaching my children to be polite and say thank you. She's always making passive agressive comments. My first DD died a day after she was born, and she wasn't very supportive, in fact she was the opposite, it was like she was pleased I didn't have a baby. She didn't hug me or say anything comforting. In fact, she called me two days after burying my baby to "share the good news" with me that her nephew in America has had a beautiful baby girl two days prior and how excited she is for them and she is going to buy clothes and toys for them. Then about three or four weeks after burying my baby, she brought the neighbours round with their six month old baby and took the baby and placed him on my lap and said how cute is he, here you go, hold him. And she just had this intense stare like she was looking for me to be upset. And when I did finally cry, she smiled and said I'll take him, if you want.

She also would say how it's not a big deal my baby died and I'm being impatient by crying all the time as many others have gone through much worse than I have and they have handled it better than me and how I actually didn't know my baby or raise her up so how can I be so upset. And then she said I raised my son up for 26 years and gave him to you, look at me do I complain about that. I lost my son to you. I never understood why she was so horrible to me considering I went out of my way to involve her in my pregnancy, took her shopping to help choose baby stuff like clothes, buggy, baby swing, blankets and so on. I made a lot of effort because I knew she would be feeling insecure and jealous and wanted to abate that and let her know she is a part of our lives.

There's lots of these horrible comments that have been said over 15 years and after my other children were born, I always felt triggered when she held my children. She even made comments about how ugly my rainbow DD was compared to the next door's baby who was born a week earlier. She would say my DD isn't as cute but she might grow into her nose and comments like that. Thankfully, we had enough money to move out just after my rainbow DD turned one and since then I've kept a distance, short weekly or fortnightly visits for 2-3 hours. She's even said when my rainbow DD was little that she should call her mama, and how my children would be more attached to her than me (this was when I was living with her). I find it so triggering when she keeps saying to my children, you're my sweetheart, etc, after calling them ugly as babies. She hugs them rarely but when she does she stares at me as she is hugging them and says, look they're hugging me, look she wants to play with me, etc. And when my children were toddlers and they would call out to me saying Mama or Mummy, she would run and say yes, I'm here.

I just squirm when I'm around her, and I feel so triggered when she is there. I honestly have to prep myself before I see her, have a pep talk with myself. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it considering I am in my thirties and have a teenage daughter. This feeling only happens with her. My father in law and his wife are fine, I love inviting them regulalry and going to theirs.

My children saw me upset on Friday and they asked why, and I was so close to telling the older ones (8-13 years) about the real reason I was upset and how their granny has been horrible but I just left it. They're only kids, they won't understand and I don't want them to be affected.

AIBU for being upset or uncomfortable around her?

OP posts:
LaLoba · 16/04/2023 10:36

mainsfed · 16/04/2023 10:26

I never say this, but she truly sounds evil, OP.

Tell DH that you never want to see her again. He can take DC to her for a couple of hours of supervised contact every fortnight but you must never be exposed to her again and she must never be left alone with your dc.

I don’t know why you feel so obliged and defeated that you have to pep yourself up to withstand her presence, is this coming from your DH? Does he tell you it’s all in your head and that she means well? Because she doesn’t mean well, she hates you.

I’d agree with every word of this. Your mil sounds very like my mother, who I haven’t had any contact with for years now. She means to hurt you, OP, and any attempt to talk to her about it will result in outraged denial. And then she’ll use the things you’ve told her (weaknesses in her mind)to hurt you more.

I spent years believing I was the fuck up, and it’s only since cutting that abuse out of my life that I’ve found peace. It’s not you, it’s her, and whatever’s wrong with her she won’t fix.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/04/2023 10:38

I agree with the pp, it’s not you being ‘triggered’, it is a perfectly normal response to her saying vile things.

How long did you live with her?

AlexiaR · 16/04/2023 10:40

She is being very abusive towards you, and very soon she will start being abusive towards your children. The fact that your husband has not intervened and told to back right off, is puzzling to me.

Why do we have to accept such horrific behaviour from individuals just because they are family? That’s a very a dated and dangerous notion.

Sunshineismyfriend · 16/04/2023 10:42

This is awful. I can’t believe someone would say those things. I wouldn’t have had any more to do with her as soon as she placed that baby on your lap so soon after loosing your own. I can’t believe you maintain a relationship with her. There is no way I would.

ChaToilLeam · 16/04/2023 10:47

She is a horrible woman. You would be absolutely justified in having nothing more to do with her.

What does your DH have to say about this? I can’t imagine she was a stellar mother.

Jagoda · 16/04/2023 10:52

I can’t understand why you see her at all?

What does DH say about her behaviour?

Maybe you have the strength now to say no more, you’re done?

Farmgirl12 · 16/04/2023 10:56

Wow

what a disgusting lady!
no one deserves to be treated this way.
and to behave in such a way after losing your precious baby.

you are a stronger lady than me, I’d have chucked her out of my house and told her never to return.

why would your husband allow such treatment?

id sit her down and ask her right out what her problem is.

take care and don’t take the way she treats you in anyway personal it’s about her and nothing to do with the way you are x

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 16/04/2023 11:02

That evil woman would never ever darken my door again. And if her son turned out to be a spineless twat, refusing to see what she was doing or worse, defending it, he would be gone, too.

Plingston · 16/04/2023 11:04

Well, she sounds completely insane. You're not 'triggered', you're reacting completely normally to a disgusting person abusing you and revelling on seeing you upset.

You need to cut her out, really. Her behaviour is so far beyond normal that I can't see anything else. By doing all the things you've been doing to make her feel included, you've just told her that you're a doormat and she can treat you however she likes and you'll take it. And having to take her shopping because you think she'd be jealous is not normal! I've never come across a grandparent being jealous of a grandchild being born! What does your husband say about all of this?

Want2beme · 16/04/2023 11:13

Bloody hell, she is seriously deranged. Don't put yourself through it with her. Put her in her place. She's their grandmother not their parent. She has no right of access to them and you need to make this clear to her. Where is your partner in all of this? I would not tolerate her. Life's too short to entertain destructive people like her.

AHugeTinyMistake · 16/04/2023 11:17

I read your story open-mouthed OP. I have never heard anything so vile as how she treated you when your first child died.

You must be an extraordinarily strong person to be able to be civil to such an evil woman.

Heroicallyfound · 16/04/2023 11:19

Cut all contact. She’s hurting you and she’s not the kind of person you can work with to improve your relationship. Your DH should absolutely back you up on that and if he doesn’t I’d be reconsidering your relationship with him too.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/04/2023 11:22

I would never ever speak to her again. She is truly awful.

Ithoughtsummerwascoming · 16/04/2023 11:22

@AlexiaR. Quite.

I think people are raised too, be the door mat peacekeeper, don't rock the boat.

Women usually slide into the gift buyer role which is great if the dh appreciates this and the giftee does also.

We are afraid of rocking the boat and making a fuss and the fall out.
I've got on going horrendous issues with dh family.

RandomSunday · 16/04/2023 11:23

I usually support the MIL when DIL posts petty grievances against their MIL.

But dear God your MIL is something else 😳 This is a case where you going NC would be perfectly justified.

If your DC have a good relationship with her then suggest your DH take them to her for contact. You don’t need to have anything to do with this rude, unfeeling, abusive woman 💐

AriannasGuitarCase · 16/04/2023 11:26

I can't really pinpoint a direct comment or act that is a big deal

Every single thing in your OP is a big deal. She's nasty and abusive and there's no way I would be having any contact with her and I wouldn't want my children to either

I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby 💐

Jl2014 · 16/04/2023 11:27

You need to cut this woman out of your life completely. She is nothing but toxic and is no good to have around your children either.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/04/2023 11:28

Does she say these in front of your DH because if does you have a massive problem with him too. I suspect your horrible MIL says all this when he's not there to hear. I'd go NC and tell him exactly why

airmaxJJeanii · 16/04/2023 11:30

I would have Zero contact with her ever again and not allowed in the house no way !

BeachHat · 16/04/2023 11:30

Sorry for your loss op.

Your mil sounds awful & unhinged. Definitely not normal behaviour - no wonder you feel triggered by her around you, I think anyone would.
Tbh, I would not want her anywhere near my children - grandparent or not, she doesn’t have an automatic right to have a relationship with your children.

What does your dh say about it?

Couldyounot · 16/04/2023 11:30

She sounds like an absolute bloody shitter quite frankly

HandbagsAtDawns · 16/04/2023 11:33

My friend had this , the MIL ended up losing her son as he he stood up for his wife. She doesn't even see her GC. They saw through her too
I'd ban her from my home and not want to hear a word about her

Ponoka7 · 16/04/2023 11:35

You should have went NC. She has abused you and what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 11:45

MelThomas1 · 16/04/2023 09:24

Hi everyone,

Just wanted some input and advice from you guys.

My mother in law has been round more often during the Easter holidays. I can't really pinpoint a direct comment or act that is a big deal but I find her so triggering to the point this Friday I was in tears after she left. She came on Friday and bought lots of toys for the kids, even though she never buys them anything (aside from Christmas where she gives money usually). I said in a polite way, aww thank you for the gifts but you shouldn't have, they've got so many, they have so many toys as it is. I reminded my children to say thank you to her for the toys as she was leaving, and she made a comment saying, "What I buy my grandchildren is between me and them, nothing to do with you. Don't get involved with me and my grandchildren!" I just find her so bizarre. All I was doing is teaching my children to be polite and say thank you. She's always making passive agressive comments. My first DD died a day after she was born, and she wasn't very supportive, in fact she was the opposite, it was like she was pleased I didn't have a baby. She didn't hug me or say anything comforting. In fact, she called me two days after burying my baby to "share the good news" with me that her nephew in America has had a beautiful baby girl two days prior and how excited she is for them and she is going to buy clothes and toys for them. Then about three or four weeks after burying my baby, she brought the neighbours round with their six month old baby and took the baby and placed him on my lap and said how cute is he, here you go, hold him. And she just had this intense stare like she was looking for me to be upset. And when I did finally cry, she smiled and said I'll take him, if you want.

She also would say how it's not a big deal my baby died and I'm being impatient by crying all the time as many others have gone through much worse than I have and they have handled it better than me and how I actually didn't know my baby or raise her up so how can I be so upset. And then she said I raised my son up for 26 years and gave him to you, look at me do I complain about that. I lost my son to you. I never understood why she was so horrible to me considering I went out of my way to involve her in my pregnancy, took her shopping to help choose baby stuff like clothes, buggy, baby swing, blankets and so on. I made a lot of effort because I knew she would be feeling insecure and jealous and wanted to abate that and let her know she is a part of our lives.

There's lots of these horrible comments that have been said over 15 years and after my other children were born, I always felt triggered when she held my children. She even made comments about how ugly my rainbow DD was compared to the next door's baby who was born a week earlier. She would say my DD isn't as cute but she might grow into her nose and comments like that. Thankfully, we had enough money to move out just after my rainbow DD turned one and since then I've kept a distance, short weekly or fortnightly visits for 2-3 hours. She's even said when my rainbow DD was little that she should call her mama, and how my children would be more attached to her than me (this was when I was living with her). I find it so triggering when she keeps saying to my children, you're my sweetheart, etc, after calling them ugly as babies. She hugs them rarely but when she does she stares at me as she is hugging them and says, look they're hugging me, look she wants to play with me, etc. And when my children were toddlers and they would call out to me saying Mama or Mummy, she would run and say yes, I'm here.

I just squirm when I'm around her, and I feel so triggered when she is there. I honestly have to prep myself before I see her, have a pep talk with myself. It sounds so ridiculous, doesn't it considering I am in my thirties and have a teenage daughter. This feeling only happens with her. My father in law and his wife are fine, I love inviting them regulalry and going to theirs.

My children saw me upset on Friday and they asked why, and I was so close to telling the older ones (8-13 years) about the real reason I was upset and how their granny has been horrible but I just left it. They're only kids, they won't understand and I don't want them to be affected.

AIBU for being upset or uncomfortable around her?

What does your DH say about her?

Nanny0gg · 16/04/2023 11:45

Sorry! Did not mean to repost all that (before I get told off)