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Original poster

A HUGE angry rant

105 replies

Westpoint · 16/04/2023 01:23

Apologies for this. I've had the shittest day and this just poured out of me:

I’m ANGRY

I’m mainly sad, I think being sad fuels my anger. WTF should should I be made to feel sad??

I’m sad because:

I seem to responsible for EVERYTHING
Lizzie is dying and I am the only one who looks after her. I don’t want to think of helping her to sleep but I have to because you are being spineless. She is YOUR DOG!

I still can’t forgive you for not being there when Daphne died without us because your FUCKING STUPID WORK CALL WAS MORE IMPORTANT. I will never forgive you for that.

I HAVE FIBROIDS

My husband who works SO FUCKING HARD can’t seem to find time to do anything other than look after himself - think 2 hour massages, going the golf club (the game that he wants me to learn, ostensibly to be part of HIS FUCKING choices, nothing to do with me) OR WATCH FUCKING TV

I am on my OWN ALL THE FUCKING TIME

I have no job anymore. And my ‘husband’ thought it funny to joke at dinner last night with friends that if I didn’t like it then maybe he should give up work and I should go out and provide for us. To be clear here, we moved from the UK to the USA for my husband’s work so I am the embodiment of the trailing spouse.

Er, yeah, like fuck you fucking prick. I AM HERE BECAUSE OF YOU. I AM LITERALLY MAKING YOUR LIFE POSSIBLE. TRUST ME, I WOULD LOOOOOOOOOOOVE TO HAVE MY OWN FUCKING LIFE!

He was pissed off because he was rubbing his eyes like a baby at 9:30pm and I told him that the rest of us had been up for longer than him, His excuse was he got up at 4:30am LAS time. Err, yes dear hubby of mine, that was 7:30am here, much later than any of us got up?! He couldn’t get the fucking time difference.

STOP BUYING FUCKING DOGS (I love my dogs, I just am tied to them)

STOP RUINING MY LIFE

Today you texted me in my only down time getting my nails done to say that Lizzie had wet her nappy. Well, my first thought was that you should have taken her out. But never mind, accidents happen (hence the nappy). Then this evening I go upstairs to an almighty stink because you had just put her piss soaked nappy in the sink for me to deal with.

I asked why you hadn’t taken her out and you lied that you had. YOU FUCKING HADN’T.

FUCK YOU

SHE IS DYING IN FRONT OF YOUR FUCKING EYES AND YOU STILL WANT ME TO DEAL WITH IT FOR YOU LIKE A FUCKING CHILD.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2023 09:11

Come back to your great career and friends and family. Once you’re here you can work on getting the dogs back.

but don’t use the dogs as an excuse to do nothing.

Fraaahnces · 16/04/2023 09:11

@Scalottia - of course not! I’m a very independent and observant person. He lucked out with a “peak” career job very young and it went to his head. Since we’ve been home he hasn’t been so lucky and he’s found it very tough accepting this. He has other issues though, like romanticizing the past and rewriting history to suit the narrative. I’d say our marriage is dead in the water for other reasons. I’m getting myself organised to bail.

Tessabelle74 · 16/04/2023 09:18

Just move home to the UK. You clearly hate him and the US, why are you staying?

MagiMagic · 16/04/2023 09:21

Have you posted before about him? Sorry if you have already said.

Lostthefairytale · 16/04/2023 09:21

It sounds like you are really struggling with losing your own identity since moving abroad. This is what screams out of your post to me. It's great that you have been able to make some friends and prioritising developing these is a good way to work on reestablishing yourself independent to husband. If your career was a bit part of your identity you need to find something to fill that void.

There is no point in anyone making a judgement on your relationship with your husband based on what you admit is a rant when you are grieving, emotional and in pain. However this is something that you need to reflect on yourself when you have the emotional headspace to do it.

Original poster
Westpoint · 16/04/2023 09:28

Lostthefairytale · 16/04/2023 09:21

It sounds like you are really struggling with losing your own identity since moving abroad. This is what screams out of your post to me. It's great that you have been able to make some friends and prioritising developing these is a good way to work on reestablishing yourself independent to husband. If your career was a bit part of your identity you need to find something to fill that void.

There is no point in anyone making a judgement on your relationship with your husband based on what you admit is a rant when you are grieving, emotional and in pain. However this is something that you need to reflect on yourself when you have the emotional headspace to do it.

Thank you so much. The most sensible post I have ever seen on MN.

Really, thank yoiu.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/04/2023 09:42

Only you can decide whether you want to stay in this marriage and make living in the US with him work. Clearly you have all the skills, since you are making friends and have found work, albeit not the kind of work you want.

But make no mistake, your husband is failing you. You need to address this with him, else the resentment will just grow and fester. You've given up a lot for him and he doesn't just get to go his own selfish way all the time.

I am so very sorry about your senior dogs. I have 4 cats who are all aged between 18 months and 5 years, so I have this to look forward to and I know it's going to be hard. Pets love unconditionally, which makes the loss hurt so much more.

Original poster
Westpoint · 16/04/2023 09:49

pointythings · 16/04/2023 09:42

Only you can decide whether you want to stay in this marriage and make living in the US with him work. Clearly you have all the skills, since you are making friends and have found work, albeit not the kind of work you want.

But make no mistake, your husband is failing you. You need to address this with him, else the resentment will just grow and fester. You've given up a lot for him and he doesn't just get to go his own selfish way all the time.

I am so very sorry about your senior dogs. I have 4 cats who are all aged between 18 months and 5 years, so I have this to look forward to and I know it's going to be hard. Pets love unconditionally, which makes the loss hurt so much more.

Another really sensible and thoughtful post. Thank you.

OP posts:
TheHoover · 16/04/2023 10:08

It’s fairly well known that uk expats in the US can have a hard time settling. You are clearly v lonely.

try and get yourself some friends as soon as you can - there will be others in your situation so look out for online groups. And yes, keep considering your future in the US and with your DH

SpacePotato · 16/04/2023 13:22

Why so many dogs?
You said he keeps getting them, but why?
Do YOU actually want any dogs.

I'm asking because if it's all him, despite him not doing the shit work, then I see that as a form of control. Taking up your time and keeping you occupied or stuck at home.

Fraaahnces · 16/04/2023 15:59

Why so many dogs? This is why? He gets to be a hero when he shows photos of all “his” rescues around the office. “This one was Daphne.” pause for dramatic sniff and tear-wipe. “She was my first rescue when I came here, you know. She was a lot of hard work at the end. This is her in her nappy.” (wan smile) “She had to be destroyed recently. It nearly killed me when I took her to the vet’s, but it was just cruel when she had no quality of life. Of course, looking after all the other fur babies keeps me busy.” (*smiles bravely.)
Never mentioning that it is @Westpoint who is picking up the piles of dogshit, the steaming nappies he’s left for her (resentfully and deliberately) in the sink), washing, grooming, exercising, cleaning, disciplining, shopping for, feeding, medicating, vaccinating and vet-schlepping the bloody dogs, oh, and doing all the vacuuming, etc.

AliceOlive · 16/04/2023 16:09

OP I imagine the care for 5 dogs is overwhelming. And even if you wanted to leave, which I don’t get the impression you do, leaving them would be heartbreaking.

Odd question, but do you sew? The sewing community is full of brilliant women. I’ve found classes to attend with people at all skills and it’s just so much fun. Anything like that that interests you might be a good way to unwind and meet people. It’s not a huge time commitment, either.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 16/04/2023 16:46

Just here to give you a hug and wish you well and sorry about the doggies as know how much they mean to you. He sounds like an ass. Look after yourself and take up your own hobby and feck him and his golf.

Original poster
Westpoint · 22/04/2023 04:12

A small update. We are taking Lizzie to be PTS tomorrow. She's got an awful lot worse in terms of mobility and is soiling herself unpredictably.

I'm just so bloody sad.

OP posts:
Gofaster2023 · 22/04/2023 04:24

I have no advice or words of wisdom, but I'm thinking of you OP.

Original poster
Westpoint · 22/04/2023 04:29

Gofaster2023 · 22/04/2023 04:24

I have no advice or words of wisdom, but I'm thinking of you OP.

Thank you

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 22/04/2023 04:29

Oh I’m so very sorry. Poor Lizzie. I’m so happy she had you caring for her. I hope your heart heals and that he can be sensitive during this time. Biggest hugs.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 22/04/2023 04:31

I'm sorry OP, losing a beloved pet is so hard. I still miss my little girl (dog) so much 5 years on. Thinking of you and your Lizzie.

JustMoved123 · 22/04/2023 04:56

Thinking of you and wishing you the strength to get through tomorrow

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/04/2023 05:26

Sending love to you and Lizzie 💐

Quidigiturinquam · 22/04/2023 06:19

Westpoint · 22/04/2023 04:12

A small update. We are taking Lizzie to be PTS tomorrow. She's got an awful lot worse in terms of mobility and is soiling herself unpredictably.

I'm just so bloody sad.

I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible. I have done just this with a beloved pet and it is as bitter-sweet as anything possibly can be. You know you are doing the right thing, yet seeing the light go out in Professor Moriarty's eyes [yes, I know, silly name, especially as he wasn't the sharpest knife in the box] is one of the saddest things that every happened to me. Lizzie will always be with you. You will dream of her, as I dream of the cats and dogs I've loved and lost. 💐

I'm another ex-pat in the US. It took me a loooong time to adjust. I hated it here for about the first, oh, 5-7 years. Now, after 20 years, it's home, and we may retire here. Without a loving and supportive husband as well as work I enjoy, however, it would have been intolerable, and I can understand why people here are advising you to go back to Blighty. You are clearly dissatisfied with the job you have, which must be way below your pay grade. Would you be able to get re-launch your career back home?

On a different note: why does your husband keep bringing dogs home? What is going on there?

Katherine1985 · 22/04/2023 07:16

So sorry to read your update . Thinking of you today 💐

Oilyoilyoilgob · 22/04/2023 07:16

I’m so sorry about Daphne, and sending you a big virtual hug to you and Lizzie. She would honestly thank you for you helping her leave her tired body in a safe, controlled and loved way. I’ve done it twice, and it is just heartbreaking-but thank god we get to share a little bit of our lives with them.

Reading your posts, you sound so angry, frustrated and upset-it’s good in a way as your body is telling you changes need to be made. You really deserve to live a good life-healthy (I hope your fibroids get sorted asap), happy and fulfilled in the ways YOU want, not just living as a secondary person to your husband.

I’m not going to comment on him, but for you I honestly wish you well-looking after let’s until the end of their lives, with operations for them is really stressful but shows you have a lot of love and patience. I hope you and your dogs start enjoying the best of life and things that make you happy, be that where you are or if you come home xx

Mezmer · 22/04/2023 07:20

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pickledandpuzzled · 22/04/2023 07:27

Ah, I hope today goes smoothly and that you get to grieve as you need.

Wishing you strength for the coming days, and the conversations/decisions you make.