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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't buy me gifts

98 replies

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:01

Hi all, my husband pays for all the bills and children's costly tuition fees and medical insurance (we don't live in the UK). We also have a nanny/housekeeper who he also pays for. I also have a job that pays quite well (not as much as him) but he doesn't ever expect me to spend my money on the house or children.

He is a good dad and husband, so AIBU in saying that I'm hurt he never buys me gifts. He will take me out on dates and holidays and when I'm with him I don't spend a dime.

The problem is he doesn't buy me any gifts, especially since I started working he's completely stopped and I've been very vocal about it, his response is always OK, but he makes sure to throw in he pays for everything and my salary should cover what I want. Which is fair but besides the point, because I work I won't get gifts from my husband? AIBU for being upset about this. Please share your thoughts.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 16/04/2023 00:04

Um, sounds like he already pays more than his fair share tbh. Maybe buy him a gift to show your appreciation.

qwertykeyboards · 16/04/2023 00:04

Grow up

redbigbananafeet · 16/04/2023 00:04

What types of gifts do you buy him?

Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:04

Just to clarify I'm not expecting diamonds and gold, (I mean I wouldn't say no ofc 🤣) but even sentimental things like flowers every so often, cards and hand written notes. Anything at this point.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:06

I buy him gifts all the time, I splash out on designer belts, wallets, aftershave and most recently a designer laptop bag, he's very appreciative but always tells me not to trouble myself.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 00:09

You're bonkers.

And stop buying him gifts!

Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:12

Why?!

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 16/04/2023 00:14

He is right he lets you keep most of your disposable income to have the freedom to buy what you would like.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 16/04/2023 00:15

You sound really pathetic. Why should he buy you random gifts when he pays for absolutely everything

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 16/04/2023 00:15

If your salary only needs to cover what you want, why do you need gifts. DH and I don't tend to buy each other gifts, we both have enough money to buy what we want and I'd much rather just choose what I want anyway.

Sounds like you are looking for problems where there aren't any tbh

Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:16

Thank you for the sensible answer. I'm genuinely trying to work on myself and seek outside opinions. Noted x

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/04/2023 00:17

Would you be happier contributing more to the family/household expenses from your wages and getting a weekly duty bouquet of flowers?

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 16/04/2023 00:17

Also the gifts you buy him sound like the gifts I'd hate DH to buy me. I'd much rather choose my own perfume, purse, laptop bag etc. The fact he says you shouldn't probably means he doesn't actually want your gifts.

Selttan · 16/04/2023 00:18

The way I'm reading this is not that you want him to lavish you in expensive gifts but you just want him to think about you and would be happy with something small from the cheap shop or chocolate bar from the supermarket.
Have you explained to him why you would like an occasional gift?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 16/04/2023 00:18

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:12

Why?!

Because he doesn't need to buy you gifts to prove he loves you or cares about you.

thisuser · 16/04/2023 00:19

it seems to me his love language is not with him buying you gifts but making sure you are comfortable with the lifestyle he is providing you and the kids with. i don’t see any problem here tbh.. and i don’t think this is worth getting upset about

Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:20

@Cigarettesaftersex1 pathetic? Wonder what you get Out of calling a stranger that.

And yes my husband pays for everything because he can, we've been married for 10 years and there were times were I had to help out but now I don't. Quite frankly I go to work to make myself busy.

I'm very fortunate.

OP posts:
dutysuite · 16/04/2023 00:20

I can’t relate to how you are feeling because my husband and I agree NOT to buy each other gifts 😂 I definitely don’t need a gift from my husband to feel loved.

Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:24

@Selttan you seem to be the only one to have understood me. Yes I've explained this, he made a joke that he bought me a can of diet Coke and that's a gift, we both laughed and that was it.

Still nothing

OP posts:
Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:28

@dutysuite ive realized that gift giving is a love language of mine. Not just for dg but everyone. Also he did used to get me gifts, flowers, chocolates etc and I loved it.

I know my DH loves me, but I dint care why anyone says, if your dh walked through the door and bought u flowers, chocolates and maybe a new perfume that he would love to smell on u,.. I doubt ud turn the other way.

I find it romantic, and it's very important for me to not have a mundane marriage. I love to keep our relationship fresh.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:30

Ineedaholidaynowplease · 16/04/2023 00:15

If your salary only needs to cover what you want, why do you need gifts. DH and I don't tend to buy each other gifts, we both have enough money to buy what we want and I'd much rather just choose what I want anyway.

Sounds like you are looking for problems where there aren't any tbh

That's not really the point, I guess this is my Dh's logic.

OP posts:
fdgdfgdfgdfg · 16/04/2023 00:33

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:30

That's not really the point, I guess this is my Dh's logic.

Show quote history

Well how about you start paying for the gas and electric, and in return he can buy you a box of milk tray once a month.

You really have no idea how good you have it do you?

Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:38

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 16/04/2023 00:33

Well how about you start paying for the gas and electric, and in return he can buy you a box of milk tray once a month.

You really have no idea how good you have it do you?

Show quote history

He doesn't want me to contribute towards the bills, I would in a heartbeat if he did. We are both generous in general and specially to each other.

I do have it very good, I just wanted a it of romance. But by the looks of things, I should just focus on my blessings. Thanks

OP posts:
Lovepeaceunderstanding · 16/04/2023 00:38

I’m not sure gifts is what you want. Do you want tokens of affection or a feeling you are appreciated? You sound to be having such a great life I suspect many here will lack sympathy for you.
Think about what it is you really want and need, be mindful your need may not be satisfied by money. Ask your husband for what you really want.

BreviloquentBastard · 16/04/2023 00:39

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