Husband doesn't buy me gifts

[ChattyIntrovert]

Hi all, my husband pays for all the bills and children's costly tuition fees and medical insurance (we don't live in the UK). We also have a nanny/housekeeper who he also pays for. I also have a job that pays quite well (not as much as him) but he doesn't ever expect me to spend my money on the house or children.

He is a good dad and husband, so AIBU in saying that I'm hurt he never buys me gifts. He will take me out on dates and holidays and when I'm with him I don't spend a dime.

The problem is he doesn't buy me any gifts, especially since I started working he's completely stopped and I've been very vocal about it, his response is always OK, but he makes sure to throw in he pays for everything and my salary should cover what I want. Which is fair but besides the point, because I work I won't get gifts from my husband? AIBU for being upset about this. Please share your thoughts.

The totally-real-and-not-at-all-on-the-wind-up OP became extremely unpleasant to posters. I wouldn’t bother defending that if I were you.

Run husband, run!!!

So he pays for EVERYTHING, even holidays, which are an amazing GIFT, and everything ON holidays, and you're upset he doesn't considerately buy you even more things???

Many people would kill for a man like you describe, and you're just sucking him dry.

And you say he doesn't want you to pay for bills etc... I bet that's not something you really pushed... I'd imagine more of a "do you want me to pay for x?"... "no, that's ok"... never-asks-again lol.

Anyway, sounds like OP has abandoned ship because of the justifiably negative feedback.

You used to “help out” with household costs? 🙄

Does he give you gifts for your birthday, Christmas etc?

Do you mean gifts outside of birthdays and Christmas? Doesn’t bother me, but then I’m not particularly interested in material things for their own sake. DP wouldn’t appreciate it either if I just bought him random things for no occasion. We’re affectionate, spend time together, enjoy date nights etc so I’m not sure that gifts would enhance that in any way. And I’m sure he’d be a bit miffed if he was paying the majority of household expenses and yet was expected to buy additional gifts to somehow express his love. Surely love is providing for you all and spending time etc?

Really surprised to read the first few responses and you getting such a hard time.

Gift giving is completely separate from providing financially. It's about showing love and appreciation. I'd find this really difficult if I was in your position.

The most meaningful gifts I've got from partners are things that cost next to nothing where they tried to make something or remembered me saying I liked or needed something.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you discuss love languages. You appreciate gift giving because you would also appreciate receiving gifts. There's nothing wrong with that. You express your love for him and want him to know that on a daily basis you think about things that he might like and show your appreciation.
He is also entitled to his own love language and his is to provide for everything so that you have the freedom and flexibility to spend your money as he recognised you like to buy things, whether for yourself or others.
Neither is wrong. My DP is exactly the same but he actively hates stuff and really doesn't like me buying him anything as he just doesn't value material things. He does however enjoy food and travel so that is how I express my love for him by finding restaurants I know he would love. Making food that I know he enjoys.
Would I like to receive the odd gift from him? Of course I would but that's because it what I see as showing love. Nobody is wrong.

Stop buying him expensive tat he isn't bothered about and respect his choice not to want to get involved in frivolous gift buying.

Stop being reliant on gifts to validate needy feelings.

If my husband offered me the gift of never paying the bills it would be the best gift ever.

You do sound like a brat. A very childish spoilt one. And there was nothing in Breviloquentbastards post that would give any indication whatsoever of how happy or miserable they are.

Reading through this thread reminded me of this lovely poem:

There is a kind of love called maintenance
Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it;
Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget
The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;
Which answers letters; which knows the way
The money goes; which deals with dentists
And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains,
And postcards to the lonely; which upholds
The permanently rickety elaborate
Structures of living, which is Atlas.
And maintenance is the sensible side of love,
Which knows what time and weather are doing
To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;
Laughs at my dryrotten jokes; remembers
My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps
My suspect edifice upright in air,
As Atlas did the sky.

UA Fanthorpe, from Safe as Houses (Peterloo Poets, 1995)

Don't give to receive

Do you get anything for birthdays?

I do, but can't remember when I last got flowers 'just because' and I wouldn't thank you for a handwritten note - not my thing at all

What about birthday, Christmas and anniversary? What does he do?

Oh dear, people don't agree with you and your response is to call them cunts.

Not a good look OP.

All I’m reading here is money, money, money. That’s the only way you’re judging your relationship and his attitude towards you in your post: working out what he pays for and what he doesn’t buy. It’s materialistic, old fashioned and not very nice.

You had me going for a minute there OP, until you started calling people miserable cunts! Not appropriate language for a princess like yourself surely

Easy solution.
You pay more on bills so he pays less than he does now and then he can buy you gifts instead

Modern times. Princesses can swear😁

Wow. Why is everybody responding so horribly. They just sound Jealous tbh. OP said they don’t live in the UK, so it’s probs a cultural normal for the husband to willingly be the financial provider. I don’t think it means she’s entitled for her post. A gift doesn’t have to be super costly, even something small of value, just to add romance, rather than the intention of trying to constantly spend his money. I’m sure OP is very appreciative of her set-up. I can also see that maybe her husband thinks, now she works - she can freely buy herself whatever she wants, whilst he focuses on other provision. I don’t think this is a big issue at all, and I’m sure they’ll solve it between them easily. Both seem to be happily into each other regardless.

Her husband sounds like a very generous guy, and equally, she seems grateful - I’m sure he’ll understand.

Yeah but you’re the poster who started a thread saying men should pay for women so they can stay at home and be homemakers. So you’re probably not really a voice of reason here.

Giving gifts is a Love Language.. done people value that more than others, the only reason @ChattyIntrovert is getting so much sh!t is clearly because people got jealous once she said her husband pays all the bills..
everyone has a different love language and she did say small gifts count too, it’s not the value but the thought and what a gift given represents to her!!

I get you, OP. My husband has a mental block about b’days and Christmas. I truly would be happy with a £10-£15 gift that he bought, thought about and wrapped. I’d like a box of chocolates and a book from Oxfam. It doesn’t have to be big, but it has to show me that someone has considered me and thought about me, especially on those days.