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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doesn't buy me gifts

98 replies

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:01

Hi all, my husband pays for all the bills and children's costly tuition fees and medical insurance (we don't live in the UK). We also have a nanny/housekeeper who he also pays for. I also have a job that pays quite well (not as much as him) but he doesn't ever expect me to spend my money on the house or children.

He is a good dad and husband, so AIBU in saying that I'm hurt he never buys me gifts. He will take me out on dates and holidays and when I'm with him I don't spend a dime.

The problem is he doesn't buy me any gifts, especially since I started working he's completely stopped and I've been very vocal about it, his response is always OK, but he makes sure to throw in he pays for everything and my salary should cover what I want. Which is fair but besides the point, because I work I won't get gifts from my husband? AIBU for being upset about this. Please share your thoughts.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:42

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 16/04/2023 00:38

I’m not sure gifts is what you want. Do you want tokens of affection or a feeling you are appreciated? You sound to be having such a great life I suspect many here will lack sympathy for you.
Think about what it is you really want and need, be mindful your need may not be satisfied by money. Ask your husband for what you really want.

Yes definitely, to live such a lifestyle it's apparent my husband works very hard. He's works a demanding job in a very high position and I'm very proud of him as nothing was ever handed to him.

But this comes with not spending as much time with him as I want, I totally understand that and I often just cuddle up next to him whilst he's on a work call or in his laptop.

I guess a gift in my mind means "I'm thinking of you".

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/04/2023 00:43

Was it morning when you woke up?

MumsyMalone · 16/04/2023 00:43

I have a slightly different take- why does he get to dictate what you contribute to the family? I think part of the issue here might be the way you are each approaching your partnership. If you want to pay towards some of the bills, then do it. You don't need his permission. Because at the moment it sounds like you aren't really being treated as an equal.

passthegingordon · 16/04/2023 00:43

He is a good dad and husband, so AIBU in saying that I'm hurt he never buys me gifts. He will take me out on dates and holidays and when I'm with him I don't spend a dime.

This is the language of a spoilt brat.

Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:44

This reply has been deleted

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I sound like a brat? You sound MISERABLE

OP posts:
SqueakyDinosaur · 16/04/2023 00:46

I often just cuddle up next to him whilst he's on a work call or in his laptop.

I would kill with fire anyone who did this to me.

BreviloquentBastard · 16/04/2023 00:46

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Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:46

Okay thanks everyone, I can conclude I have my answer... I'm going to kiss my wonderful husband on the forehead and say many prayers thanking God I'm not married to most of you miserable c*nts on here. TA RA :)

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/04/2023 00:47

SqueakyDinosaur · 16/04/2023 00:46

I often just cuddle up next to him whilst he's on a work call or in his laptop.

I would kill with fire anyone who did this to me.

Maybe OP is a cat.

gillefc82 · 16/04/2023 00:48

So whilst I appreciate gifts from my DH, and over the years together he has bought me a few designer handbags etc, but for me (and I think the point you’re trying to make) it is more about knowing they have thought of you whilst out and about and the gesture that comes from that, rather than the actual item.

Chocs and flowers are wasted on me as I don’t really like either and I view them as predictable and ‘lazy’ gifts, but if he comes home with a bag of jellytots (UK sweets, pic for reference) and particularly if he has spent time separating out so all the green and yellow ones (my faves) then he knows he’s getting lucky 😂

It’s the amount of thoughtfulness of the gesture that means the most, not the cost of the gift. Maybe just really directly and straightforwardly explain this to DH?

Husband doesn't buy me gifts
Original poster
ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:48

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Ur user name says it all love, enjoy your gifts while u pay ur bills. Really put it all into perspective for me :)

OP posts:
Neverhappyalwayshopeful · 16/04/2023 00:48

I totally get it. It's not the value of gifts, it's the thought and feeling it brings. I get the feeling you'd be happy with him bringing home your favourite chocolates or something relatively inexpensive. You're not saying he doesn't spend on you, you would just like a gift once in a while and that's perfectly valid. X

Shropshirepie · 16/04/2023 00:49

For me, buying gifts for one another, regardless of the value, is about effort and communication. Gift-giving between anyone is a way of showing you’ve thought about that person and is a way of strengthening communications. Think how good it makes you feel when a friend buys you a gift, no matter how big or small. I’d feel the same OP if DH never bought me a gift.

pookiedoodlepuppy · 16/04/2023 00:50

Hmm No grown Woman who has been married ten years with a comfortable lifestyle and her own wages , and a Husband who works long hours would be whining about gifts . 💩

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 16/04/2023 00:50

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:38

He doesn't want me to contribute towards the bills, I would in a heartbeat if he did. We are both generous in general and specially to each other.

I do have it very good, I just wanted a it of romance. But by the looks of things, I should just focus on my blessings. Thanks

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The issue is that you're not seeing what he is offering as a gift. His way of showing you he loves you is by giving you security, letting you not have to worry about the roof over your head, the bills, what needs to be paid that month.

Now personally, that's not something I'd want. I'd want to be a team, to contribute equally and to do nice things for each other outside of that.

But you're telling him that you don't appreciate what he's offering now, but you want that to continue and have the chocolate and perfume and flowers on top.

If he's not speaking your love language right now, then you can tell him that, but at the same time you need to stop taking how he expresses his love for granted.

MumsyMalone · 16/04/2023 00:51

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:48

Ur user name says it all love, enjoy your gifts while u pay ur bills. Really put it all into perspective for me :)

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I really wouldn't sneer at people for having adult responsibility and exerting autonomy and independence when you are, by your own admission, treated as a house decoration.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 16/04/2023 00:51

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BreviloquentBastard · 16/04/2023 00:52

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:48

Ur user name says it all love, enjoy your gifts while u pay ur bills. Really put it all into perspective for me :)

Show quote history

Oooh I've really ruffled your feathers haven't I Veruca.

He pays the bills too, the difference is I appreciate what my husband does for me and don't cry on the internet like a brat. I understand and acknowledge how fortunate I am. Might want to try it some time.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/04/2023 01:01

I’m not sure material things should be the marker of romance really. I mean, look at footballers’s wives. They must have expensive gifts bought for them all the time but half the time their other half is out shagging someone who threw themselves at him in a night club.

Things don’t show someone how much they love you. Actions do though. Does he bring you a cup of tea in bed at the weekend? Get up with the children/offer to cook dinner when it’s not his turn because you’re not feeling 100%? Drop you off and pick you up if you go out for lunch/dinner with a friend and want to have a couple of glasses of wine? Go out to the shop if you’ve got a bad headache but you’ve run out of painkillers? If you sprain your ankle or something does he make sure you sit with your feet up and go and get you an ice pack? Buy you your favourite bar of chocolate on the way home because you’re feeling upset about something? If you and he go out on a date eg a restaurant, does he really listen to you and show an interest in what you have to say or is he too busy checking his phone all the time? Does he come over to check you’re ok if you’re at a party where you don’t know many people but he does? Does he check if your glass needs topping off?

etc etc. So many ways that someone can SHOW you they love you. Words can be as empty and meaningless as expensive gifts. It’s how someone treats you that is most important. If you’re feeling insecure and want gifts as a demonstration of his love then that’s the first thing to fix - your insecurity. If you just want gifts because, well, you just like getting STUFF. Well, I suggest that you may be try being slightly less materialistic.

Testina · 16/04/2023 01:05

What a selfish arsehole he is.
I’d at least expect him to buy you some diamond shoes now your old ones are too tight 🤷🏻‍♀️

inky1991 · 16/04/2023 01:21

It sounds like you have a good deal that most women would be very grateful for. Him buying you holidays is a gift, is it not?

I'd rather have a a holiday than a handbag.

You need a reality check

AreweCf · 16/04/2023 01:23

he has found himself a in a demanding job that doesn’t allow for a relationship with you. He could actually change that if it mattered to him. If he wont compromise on what he does for a job and you wont compromise on your lifestyle, in order to facilitate a relationship, then its a choice between one of the other

Mumsanetta · 16/04/2023 09:06

It’s sad when jealousy clouds advice.

It sounds like you and your DH show each other love in different ways. He shows you love by working hard and providing you and your family with a very comfortable life and you show him love by buying him small gifts as a way of showing affection. I don’t think either of you are wrong or unreasonable, you just have a different approach.

As this is quite a small thing in the grand scheme of things, I would personally try to put it aside and focus on my blessings.

And imo curling up to him while he works would be fine with me if it’s a way of spending time together and doesn’t affect his concentration.

PayNoAttentionToTheNastyLady · 16/04/2023 09:11

People here are struggling to pay bills and buy groceries, yet you're whining about not getting a bunch of flowers or something? You sound so very entitled

JeannieAlogy · 16/04/2023 09:13

ChattyIntrovert · 16/04/2023 00:06

I buy him gifts all the time, I splash out on designer belts, wallets, aftershave and most recently a designer laptop bag, he's very appreciative but always tells me not to trouble myself.

Stop doing that then, and spend the money on flowers for yourself.

We are not a 'random gifts' couple, never have been as we've never been particularly well-off. However, consideration is important; DH will often wake me with a cup of tea, or make me a drink/sandwich etc. when he can see I am in need of refreshments. To me, that's more important than a bunch of flowers or a necklace.