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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect the husband to be upset

88 replies

FeelingSoSad2 · 15/04/2023 04:01

at people who have humiliated me?

Long story short, some people in DHs circle had some frictions with me, started talking behind my back, turned other people against me and it then exploded in me being publicly humiliated at a party in front of him and our children.

Its been over a year and some could say that I should forget about it, but humiliation is hard to forget.

Well, he says that he doesnt want to think about it and his relationship with this people wont be affected by this (as they are close to his child from previous marriage).

I would be very uncomfortable with people who would do it to him, AIBU to expect the same from him? I feel that him being ok with them is adding insult to injury.

OP posts:
Dontsparethehorses · 15/04/2023 04:03

Yanbu on the surface but I think context is important- what had you done/ did they think you had done that caused them to explode at you?

Original poster
FeelingSoSad2 · 15/04/2023 04:29

The main person was his ex who plays nice with him, weve had frictions for a while, but really for stupidities (shes the type to play nice and hit you from behind and I can not support that, so when I express myself, Im being vilified). We interacted very rarely anyway.

Well, she talked to her friends, her live-in boyfriend, etc. so when I arrived to the party, there was already palpable tension which affected me, I didnt like something, and said something privately that she didnt like, so she went to talk about me to others, getting them more upset, then another of her friends made a mean comment, I replied, she started talking about me while I was 2 m away, I confronted her on that, she started yelling and I got expulsed by the ex wifes live-in boyfriend and basically the whole group. I guess some alcohol was involved as it was totally crazy. My 4 year old son was right next to me, so we both got pushed to the door. Oh, we were already leaving so it was not necessary!

DH did intervene physically with the boyfriend, but now says that he would have done the same in his place seeing someone yelling in his house and removing the problem (me). He basically blames himself as he knew that me and his ex wife dont support each other, therefore, no reason to be upset with them.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 15/04/2023 04:49

The fact it's his ex is a bit of a drip feed.

If you know you didn't like each other and there was existing tension, why did you go to a party at her house?
Once at the party, you didn't like something, but you know there's tension, but you still you went to say something to her about something you didn't like.
People who've had a drink are being rude, so instead of rising above it and leaving (a party with someone you don't like and know doesn't like you), you confront her.

And you're surprised it escalated?

His ex sounds awful, but I can't blame her boyfriend for getting you to leave if you were in their house and shouting at her.

CircleofWillis · 15/04/2023 05:00

All of that context completely changes it. If I were your husband I would have swerved getting involved as well.

MayThe4th · 15/04/2023 05:10

This all sounds incredibly juvanile. I don’t blame your DH for not getting involved or the bf for throwing you out.

you’re clearly bitter that your DH is still on good terms with his ex. If anything you showed yourself up and I would have been embarrassed if I was your DH.

diddl · 15/04/2023 05:31

Sounds as if a lot of it is on you tbh.

MRex · 15/04/2023 05:40

LolaSmiles · 15/04/2023 04:49

The fact it's his ex is a bit of a drip feed.

If you know you didn't like each other and there was existing tension, why did you go to a party at her house?
Once at the party, you didn't like something, but you know there's tension, but you still you went to say something to her about something you didn't like.
People who've had a drink are being rude, so instead of rising above it and leaving (a party with someone you don't like and know doesn't like you), you confront her.

And you're surprised it escalated?

His ex sounds awful, but I can't blame her boyfriend for getting you to leave if you were in their house and shouting at her.

All of this.

You need to learn to take the high road, and stop yelling at people when you don't like things. The best approach is the same as his ex; "play nice" and keep opinions quietly just to your own close friends. Stop going to people's houses or parties if you can't stay polite to them when you are there.

Trez1510 · 15/04/2023 05:43

I'm guessing you did not 'confront' her in a reasonable, adult way?

I see you're attempting to excuse your behaviour as being due to alcohol.

Your 4yo son was present whilst this screaming match took place.

Your husband's probably still (a year later) embarrassed by your behaviour, particularly so because it happened in someone else's home where, presumably, children other than yours witnessed this debacle too.

YABU in expecting your husband to defend/support your behaviour/actions.

Probz · 15/04/2023 05:44

The whole thing sounds ridiculous, and nothing to do with your DH.

TheRealShatParp · 15/04/2023 06:05

Sounds like you arrived to that party and created a lot of drama. What was it that you didn’t like and felt the need to have a quiet word with her about? I feel like more context is needed. Why on earth did you even go?
As it stands, I think you done a good job of humiliating yourself.

Tibtilkobkob · 15/04/2023 06:12

MayThe4th · 15/04/2023 05:10

This all sounds incredibly juvanile. I don’t blame your DH for not getting involved or the bf for throwing you out.

you’re clearly bitter that your DH is still on good terms with his ex. If anything you showed yourself up and I would have been embarrassed if I was your DH.

Agree.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/04/2023 06:15

Sometimes you need to bite your tongue and let things go. Your husband has to co parent with this woman so yabu to expect him to jeopardise that Relationship over stupid drunken petty drama

MichelleScarn · 15/04/2023 06:28

. I guess some alcohol was involved as it was totally crazy.

Ah the 'whoops can really remember what happened' argument!

TrashyPanda · 15/04/2023 06:29

Did you post about this before?

it sounds familiar

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 15/04/2023 06:38

Everyone behaved poorly. Tbh you should have just ignored it at the time.

TheInterceptor · 15/04/2023 06:41

You all need to behave better in front of your children. What's the matter with you?

Toomanybooks22 · 15/04/2023 06:44

I think in future it would be wise to keep your distance from these people or at least not confront them by shouting at them in public.

Mumma · 15/04/2023 06:44

Yabu

MaroonCow · 15/04/2023 06:51

What exactly were you saying and how private was it?

This is literally "he said, she said". More details needed.

If you think of her partner as her "live in boyfriend", it's not too surprising that you don't get on.

TookTheBook · 15/04/2023 06:53

You don't have to stay with him if you feel he is unsupportive and still in thrall to his ex.

Elfandwellbeing · 15/04/2023 06:57

You sound as bad as the ex and should have never attended the party. I don’t expect my dh to support petty back stabbing that I engaged in.

DeadOrchid · 15/04/2023 07:09

Sounds like you shouldn’t have been there in the first place.

IdealisticCynic · 15/04/2023 07:23

From your account it doesn’t sound like they humiliated you, it sounds like you humiliated yourself.

I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but from your account it sounds like you instigated and then escalated the problem. As an adult you ought to know to limit your alcohol intake in potentially tricky situations so you can be more in control of your words and actions, especially if your child is present.

takealettermsjones · 15/04/2023 07:33

I've definitely read this story on here before.

I voted before your second post, which changes things imo. Still more info needed but it sounds like you got drunk and yelled at someone in their own house?

thedancingbear · 15/04/2023 07:35

Didn’t any of the teachers intervene at any point?