Page 4 | To ask if anyone regrets having number 3?

safetyfreak · 15/04/2023 08:13

We have decided to stop at 2 but yes, I still think what if...but I know we would struggle mentally and financially with a third extra mouth to feed etc. They get more expensive as they get older!

GetYourActTogether1 · 15/04/2023 08:21

I think a big factor is the age you were you had your last DC, I had my 3rd when I was 31 and didn’t find it at all difficult. By the time I was late 40’s I had 2 DC at uni and one DC had permanently left home and was working. Now I’m mid 50’s and there’s nothing I enjoy more than having my whole ‘gang’ over for Sunday lunch.

SylvanianFrenemies · 15/04/2023 08:30

I regret trying for a third. 4 losses in a row including a tfmr and a missed miscarriage was hard going. We left it too late - I was 40 when we started trying. I would consider potential impact of age.

We are happy with our 2 now.

teacakesforbreakfast · 15/04/2023 08:34

"Regrets" isn't quite the right word, but DH sees some serious downsides to his parents having decided to have a third. He is 7 years older than that sibling and found it really changed the family dynamic/relationships and still affects them now.

tvbed · 15/04/2023 08:49

I wouldn't say regret because I absolutely adore no3.
However I know if I knew what life was going to be like I wouldn't have had a third. It turns out all 3 are very high maintenance. Life is much harder than it would have been with 2. I have less time and energy to devote to them. I have less money and less earning potential. There's more washing, more worry and more expense. I love my family and obviously wouldn't ever want to be without no3 but I wouldn't recommend 3 to someone else. When/if my children have babies I hope they don't decide to have 3!

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 15/04/2023 08:52

Mine are 5, nearly 8 and 1, so similar to you.

Never ever regret our 3rd, she is heaven and a delight and the older ones utterly adore her. So nice having the whole week with just her while the boys are at school.

School holidays have been mad and it’s a conscious priority to make sure everyone gets enough attention.

And ‘all’ feels much more than ‘both’. All the kids are ill, all the kids are grumpy, all the kids need to be in different places, for example.

I found 2 kids very easy and fun and calm but I had that visceral NEED for a 3rd. So I’d say don’t do it unless you have that need.

The ‘complete’ feeling is lovely and the vasectomy is booked in!

mistermagpie · 15/04/2023 08:54

I have three and no regrets!

Mine are 3, 6 and 7 and to be honest we wouldn't have gone for a third of the gap was going to be much bigger. I just wouldn't have wanted to revisit the baby stage once the oldest two were at school. None of mine were at school when the youngest was born (and it was lockdown) so that bit was tough, but I'm glad we went for it.

I didn't find age was a factor, I was 39 when my third was born, but health and fitness probably is. I'm a lot fitter than I was in my 20s, so running around after three children is fine for me whereas I have friends in their 40s who find young children a struggle.

The major downside is holidays. We don't go abroad anyway, but even in the uk so many places are set up for families of four and it can be quite costly to get a balance big enough for five. Honestly, that's my only complaint though!

QueenOfDuisburg · 15/04/2023 08:58

Everyone will have a different experience. My third really was the perfect final piece to our family. Easiest pregnancy and birth, older two siblings adored her from day 1 (only a 5 and 3 year age gap but they have always instinctively thought it their role to help look after and protect her).

Things are pricier but there are often ways around this. Holidays, we avoid packages and book flights and accommodation separately and always find much cheaper options. Hotels are hard but rooms for 5 do exist, or we book two cheap rooms and split up for the night. More bedrooms needed but we rearranged the layout of our existing house to make that work.

If we hadn't had a third we would definitely have spent the rest of our lives regretting it - I'm not sure the urge would have gone away!

Copasetic · 15/04/2023 09:03

Definitely not planned but def no regrets. My eldest two are DD28 and DD20 (at uni) and not living at home and our lives are so much more full and fun having DS12 at home and totally different to how our lives would have been without him.

KinderCat · 15/04/2023 09:15

Like others a different take as I don't think many parents who have 3 will say they regret it. So coming at this speaking a one of three with nearly identical age differences to yours (please disregard if too far removed to feel relevant to you!) I love my brothers but wish my mum had not had all 3 of us. My little brother is great, but was poorly as a baby/child and that ate into my parents time a lot. Even as a child I could pick up that we saw much less of them and that created unfair resentment that children can't really grasp. Likewise, time was spread very thin and as one sibling did GCSEs the other was being investigated for SEN needs in primary which meant lots of little things for the the third slipping through the cracks as both parents also had to work as well. I just wanted to give a little balance to this.

RedHelenB · 15/04/2023 09:18

everlastinghope · 14/04/2023 18:33

We have 2 dc 5 and 7 obviously things have got easier now they are in school.
We've been thinking a lot about having a 3rd for a while but I'm really undecided.
Is it much harder?
How does your body cope with a 3rd pregnancy?

If you're undecided I personally wouldn't.

AutumnColours9 · 15/04/2023 09:19

No regrets at all. However no 3 turned out to be twins! Massive change from 2 to 4

reaty · 15/04/2023 09:36

I have 3, they are 7,5 & 2. I don’t have any regrets as I really really wanted another boy. I want another girl too but I won’t be having another. I have 2 boys and 1 girl. Anyway, I obviously don’t regret my choice. But the needs of the 2 years old is very different to the other two and sometimes that can be hard to navigate. It will get easier as they grow older but at the moment though.

glasslightly · 15/04/2023 12:07

Really interesting to read this, as I said earlier we have three but there is only two years difference. Reading the above (whilst recognising everyone is different) it seems you either need a short gap or older kids whose age and family dynamic mean they will site on the younger. We are balancing two parties and a play date this afternoon, all in different locations. I think it massively helped us that we never left the baby/ high needs stage before we had the next one. You also need to be secure financially.

Retrain12345 · 15/04/2023 12:14

I have 3. Pregnancy was the easiest of them all, no morning sickness like the other two. Labour was also very easy and short, baby practically fell out!
My body is still okay, the odd extra stretch mark but no drastic changes from last time.
DC3 has slotted in easily but I do have a large and a tiny age gap so was already in the nappy stage with DC2 plus DC1 is relatively independent.
It’s hard to spread my time between the things the older one wants to do and the younger ones, plus we have had to get bigger cars etc.

Mine are still very young (newborn and 17m) so I’m not sure how it will be in a few years time but I don’t regret any of them so far 😄

UnctuousUnicorns · 15/04/2023 12:25

My third was born when I was a fortnight shy of 39. Our other two DC were 10 and 9. I sailed through the pregnancy with barely any sickness; labour was a doddle, three and three quarter hours long with only G & A, no stitches. She's 13 now, turning 14 in August (the older two are 24 and nearly 23). No regrets here.

Flatandhappy · 15/04/2023 12:32

My third was an “oops” baby, brothers 5 and 10 years older. She is the light of my life tbh and has brought nothing but joy to everyone in the family. I cried for three days when I found out I was pregnant, now I can’t imagine our family without her (all adults now).

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 15/04/2023 12:41

We pondered having a third and it didn't happen. Now I'm glad that we stuck at two. I do not miss the baby era and my two have a lovely relationship.

tsmainsqueeze · 15/04/2023 12:46

None whatsoever she is the icing on the cake .

mistermagpie · 15/04/2023 13:10

KinderCat · 15/04/2023 09:15

Like others a different take as I don't think many parents who have 3 will say they regret it. So coming at this speaking a one of three with nearly identical age differences to yours (please disregard if too far removed to feel relevant to you!) I love my brothers but wish my mum had not had all 3 of us. My little brother is great, but was poorly as a baby/child and that ate into my parents time a lot. Even as a child I could pick up that we saw much less of them and that created unfair resentment that children can't really grasp. Likewise, time was spread very thin and as one sibling did GCSEs the other was being investigated for SEN needs in primary which meant lots of little things for the the third slipping through the cracks as both parents also had to work as well. I just wanted to give a little balance to this.

This is a very important point and actually maybe the question shouldn't be 'did you regret it' but 'do your kids regret it'

I have said that I don't regret my third, but I recognise that my eldest (there are approx two years between each child) has spent his whole life compromising for 'the baby'. He's a lovely boy but his behaviour has been incredibly challenging and I will never know if this was because his early life was spent having a new baby thrown at him every couple of years. He has no special needs but the kind of personality that I can see would probably be happy as an only child (he's very similar to me actually and that's how I feel), although I should say he adores his siblings. I will admit he doesn't get enough one on one time and I feel huge guilt about that. The other two children have very different personalities to him btw and just seem more resilient.

I don't know if things would be better or worse with a bigger gap, but it's definitely something to consider.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 15/04/2023 13:14

I don't have three, I had a long while of wanting one and now I'm extremely glad I did not have the third and have two. Life threw us some challenges that were awful anyway, but at least I didn't have a small baby and toddler around to manage as well as two older ones, I've found they need a lot of attention in the teen years. My capacity was two and I had two, so am grateful.

Meandfour · 15/04/2023 13:18

mistermagpie · 15/04/2023 13:10

This is a very important point and actually maybe the question shouldn't be 'did you regret it' but 'do your kids regret it'

I have said that I don't regret my third, but I recognise that my eldest (there are approx two years between each child) has spent his whole life compromising for 'the baby'. He's a lovely boy but his behaviour has been incredibly challenging and I will never know if this was because his early life was spent having a new baby thrown at him every couple of years. He has no special needs but the kind of personality that I can see would probably be happy as an only child (he's very similar to me actually and that's how I feel), although I should say he adores his siblings. I will admit he doesn't get enough one on one time and I feel huge guilt about that. The other two children have very different personalities to him btw and just seem more resilient.

I don't know if things would be better or worse with a bigger gap, but it's definitely something to consider.

Show quote history

So much comes down to the individual family for that though. I’m one of 4 and had an amazing childhood. Never felt like money, time or attention was spread to thin, never felt like my parents didn’t have enough quality time with us all, never felt it was too much or that they were exhausted. We all did clubs, had holidays, had our own bedrooms etc
Yet there are many posts on here from children who grew up as 1 of 4 who had completely different experiences from mine. Rather tellingly; my siblings and I have all gone on to have at least 3 children.

Takenoprisoner · 15/04/2023 13:24

I'm interested in age gap children as would love to have the chance to have more, so this thread has been an eye opener.

@Rosula just out of curiosity, how's your relationship like now with your mother?

GetYourActTogether1 · 15/04/2023 13:38

I have a massive age gap and a tiny one and it’s work out really well, my now adult DC get on really well. My wider family have lots of large age gaps, my two aunts are best friends despite a year age gap. It’s a similar story with my cousins.

GodSaveTheClean · 15/04/2023 14:23

I’m happy we stopped at 2. I do miss the newborn stage, but the thought of going back to night wakings and nappies brings me back to reality!

Our DC are 6 and 9. I love our unit of 4 and family trips etc are easier now they are older. The impact on our DC was a big reason for not having a third.