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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Baffled by friends' behaviour in WhatsApp group

92 replies

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:32

Regular but NCed. First time I have posted here and will probably have to leave the thread in tears if people are really mean, but am really baffled by this situation. Changed a few details.

Will try not to dripfeed, so this may be long. I am part of a group of six friends, all around the same age and roughly in the same financial circumstances. We are all scattered across the UK and a couple overseas as well, so we keep in touch by WhatsApp. The group is busy- or it used to be- and we post a few times a week. Nothing heavy, just fun stuff like TV shows we are watching, trips we are taking or books we are reading, but also a few updates about our families: DD got into X uni, DH got a new job and so on...

Anyway, last year was quite a tough one for me with some health issues in the family and DH in a stressful job/study thing. In December, I posted something like " Gosh, what a year. I am dying for a cheap sun and sand holiday in X or Y place, but we can't go away this year as DH is studying and needs to finish his course". That was it. Suddenly the "mood" in the WhatsApp group turned very strange. One friend said holidays in X or Y are no longer cheap what with inflation and CoL, another friend overseas began to argue that things are much worse where she is, with a takeaway costing ££££.. You know how tone is lost on WhatsApp groups and also how posts fly back and forth. Before I knew it, the general mood of the group changed to " Well, it's all right for you, isn't it, but some of us can't afford a decent holiday any more." Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them, the rest were ok but didn't stick up for me.

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept mum and said something like " Yes, things are so expensive now everywhere across the world." But I felt completely attacked in what I thought was a safe space. Since then, I have barely posted in the group, except to answer questions. I did go away on holiday in February, but kept it quiet ( in the past I might have shared pix). I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

Recently the most aggressive friend who complained most about not being able to afford a holiday has gone on a very luxurious holiday in a far away destination and posted lots of updates. So has another friend. Everybody has said "Wonderful" and asked for details ( as any normal person would).

I feel hurt by the different standards but maybe I am missing something. I should also say that when I went quiet, so did everybody more or less, and the group is quite quiet now. Posts maybe once in ten days. I miss the old group but the atmosphere has changed for me.

OP posts:
PuffinsRocks · 14/04/2023 16:38

Sounds like you misread the room but if they were truly good friends they would have let it go instead of turning it into a race to the bottom.

Agitatethebumcrack · 14/04/2023 16:39

Did you maybe post a lot about your health issues and DH studying ? Or were there maybe other people who have had health issues that you’ve glossed over and so they are miffed you didn’t sympathise with them but are now posting about your own?

Maybe you posting about health and stress, when it had previously been light hearted about TV shows etc and an escape for people, changed the tone of the message thread?

Have you tried posting that you miss the old group? I imagine they all do too. It might break the ice a bit and start a thaw.

Trisolaris · 14/04/2023 16:42

Are you sure they were trying to dig at you? I would have read that as almost saying not to get too hung up on your husbands course because everything’s so expensive anyway so it might not have made the difference?

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:43

I didn't post about my health issues and Dh's work more than once, in response to questions. After Covid, nobody wants to hear about any health issues, am I right?

OP posts:
TookTheBook · 14/04/2023 16:45

I think you've misread their tone/discussion and taken something personally that was just idle chatter.

Tandora · 14/04/2023 16:46

Are you sure you are not being over sensitive? Sounds like you posted about being financially short and other people posted and shared they were also struggling? These subjects can def feel tense but I’m not sure you needed to assume it was all about you and take it so personally/ feel attacked?

Linio · 14/04/2023 16:48

I honestly don’t think it was an attack on you but you have interpreted it that way. You are probably now super sensitive about what you post as a result, but I imagine if you ask the others, they will have no idea why you feel the way you do.

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:48

Oh I am not financially short. I am quite frugal though.

It is possible I have misread the discussion, but unlikely. I do find everything is a race to the bottom these days. Not sure if I am alone in this.

OP posts:
Fatkittythinkitty · 14/04/2023 16:49

I don't understand. Although you brought up the subject of holidays it sounds like your friends were sort of bickering between them about cost of living and holidays and you weren't actually involved? Or have I misread it? Did anyone actually direct any of those comments to you?

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:51

Sorry, to be so vague, but can't remember the exact messages and also, perhaps this isn't a good place to post them in case any of them see it.

Yes, the comments were directed at me. I remember one passive aggressive comment " Well, Maybelle, I am glad you can still find nice holidays in your budget, but I can't." I usually stay in Premier Inn type of places btw, or v cheap AirBNBs.

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 14/04/2023 16:53

Could the word 'cheap' in 'dying for a cheap sun and sand holiday' been the problem, OP?

I guess most people would interpret any kind of foreign beach holiday as no longer cheap so perhaps the word was out of place?

ShadowPuppets · 14/04/2023 16:53

Tandora · 14/04/2023 16:46

Are you sure you are not being over sensitive? Sounds like you posted about being financially short and other people posted and shared they were also struggling? These subjects can def feel tense but I’m not sure you needed to assume it was all about you and take it so personally/ feel attacked?

This. I think a lot of people are empathetic in a ‘oh god yea me too’ way but if you’re very sensitive it can feel like an attack. It’s really not. When I WhatsApp my mates about exhaustion with my babies and they reply ‘oh mate that sounds rough. I’m shattered too, work has been a total bitch this week…’ I don’t take that as ‘oh it’s ok for you with babies, I’ve got an actual career’ - I take it as ‘oh my god I feel completely the same, solidarity - albeit for different reasons!’

I’m not trying to say it’s in your head and it’s clear the mood has changed if the frequency of messaging has gone down but there’s a chance they’ve gone quiet because they think you’re miffed. Have you tried sparking some more conversations in the group? On things that are non contentious?

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/04/2023 16:54

I honestly can't see from your post any comments that I would interpret as "Well it's alright for you, isn't it?" or an attack. Is there anything worse that you missed out?

Maybe they thought your post meant "we can't afford it this year as DH is studying" and they were commiserating about the cost? Or just a general commiseration about not being able to go away?

If I were you I'd reread the messages very carefully, preferably with a neutral friend, and see whether you jumped to conclusions.

Tandora · 14/04/2023 16:54

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:48

Oh I am not financially short. I am quite frugal though.

It is possible I have misread the discussion, but unlikely. I do find everything is a race to the bottom these days. Not sure if I am alone in this.

Oh well then maybe other people are financially short , and found it triggering/ insensitive that you were complaining about money, just cos you are tight (despite being well off) ?

PuppyMonkey · 14/04/2023 16:55

I would have been very tempted to post a “glad you were able to get away somewhere lovely after all” after the aggressive friend’s holiday posts.Grin

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:56

Tandora · 14/04/2023 16:54

Oh well then maybe other people are financially short , and found it triggering/ insensitive that you were complaining about money, just cos you are tight (despite being well off) ?

I think you have misread my post @Tandora. I didn't complain about money. I just said I could use a holiday.

Also, the people who were "triggered" have just gone away on very expensive holidays themselves.

OP posts:
summerhillgang · 14/04/2023 16:56

I think you should ask to catch up with 1-2 of them personally on the phone - not specifically about that but just to catch up properly - and ask them about what happened, be honest and say it's weirded you out. Even if it's just to reignite the lines of communication and clear the air. I think relying on WhatsApp to keep relationships alive when friends are not close geographically can lead to stuff like this. I know from personal experience it's good to pick up the phone x

PuppyMonkey · 14/04/2023 16:59

Tandora · 14/04/2023 16:46

Are you sure you are not being over sensitive? Sounds like you posted about being financially short and other people posted and shared they were also struggling? These subjects can def feel tense but I’m not sure you needed to assume it was all about you and take it so personally/ feel attacked?

OP said she couldn’t go away because her DP was finishing his studies, not because she had no cash. Other friends then said “well some of us can’t afford to go away…” etc.

Tandora · 14/04/2023 16:59

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:56

I think you have misread my post @Tandora. I didn't complain about money. I just said I could use a holiday.

Also, the people who were "triggered" have just gone away on very expensive holidays themselves.

Ohhh sorry I misunderstood, I thought you meant you couldn’t go away because DH was studying (and therefore not earning), so you couldn’t afford..

Screwballs · 14/04/2023 17:00

I think maybe you suggested one or two locations and called them cheap, when the other women possibly really like those places and took you to be snotty/judgy?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/04/2023 17:01

I agree with those saying that you have taken offence where none was intended - I would put it behind you and join in the chat again.

JudgeRudy · 14/04/2023 17:03

PuffinsRocks · 14/04/2023 16:38

Sounds like you misread the room but if they were truly good friends they would have let it go instead of turning it into a race to the bottom.

I'd go along with that. Someone saying "if you think you've got it bad, listen to this/my life" isn't an attack. Its the sort of thing any friends might discuss. Now if someone said "Are you for real Mabelle? That's really insensitive after I've just told you I've just had my home repossessed " that would be different, even then l wouldn't call it an attack.
Texting is always open to misinterpreting. Word like "Oh OK" can be so loaded if there's no tone or body language to complement the words.
Just carry on as usual and if you would have normally liked or commented on the pics do so.

UWhatNow · 14/04/2023 17:03

Tandora · 14/04/2023 16:54

Oh well then maybe other people are financially short , and found it triggering/ insensitive that you were complaining about money, just cos you are tight (despite being well off) ?

Yes - nothing worse than well off folks pleading poverty just because they’re tight. The ‘need of a cheap sun and sand holiday’ could be interpreted as that. Tightness is very annoying.

Albiboba · 14/04/2023 17:04

You complain about the friend who ranted about the cost of living going on holiday but you complained about not being able to go on holiday the whole year only in December but went away in February so I don’t see how it’s massively different.
Sounds like you may have birth over sensitive.

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 17:05

It just sounds like something about your comment on wanting a holiday touched a nerve with one or two people at that time.

You low-key avoided the group as you felt very sensitive.

Now, months later, one of those people has been able to go on holiday.

It all sounds fairly OK, really?