Baffled by friends' behaviour in WhatsApp group

[MabelleSainsburySeale]

Regular but NCed. First time I have posted here and will probably have to leave the thread in tears if people are really mean, but am really baffled by this situation. Changed a few details.

Will try not to dripfeed, so this may be long. I am part of a group of six friends, all around the same age and roughly in the same financial circumstances. We are all scattered across the UK and a couple overseas as well, so we keep in touch by WhatsApp. The group is busy- or it used to be- and we post a few times a week. Nothing heavy, just fun stuff like TV shows we are watching, trips we are taking or books we are reading, but also a few updates about our families: DD got into X uni, DH got a new job and so on...

Anyway, last year was quite a tough one for me with some health issues in the family and DH in a stressful job/study thing. In December, I posted something like " Gosh, what a year. I am dying for a cheap sun and sand holiday in X or Y place, but we can't go away this year as DH is studying and needs to finish his course". That was it. Suddenly the "mood" in the WhatsApp group turned very strange. One friend said holidays in X or Y are no longer cheap what with inflation and CoL, another friend overseas began to argue that things are much worse where she is, with a takeaway costing ££££.. You know how tone is lost on WhatsApp groups and also how posts fly back and forth. Before I knew it, the general mood of the group changed to " Well, it's all right for you, isn't it, but some of us can't afford a decent holiday any more." Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them, the rest were ok but didn't stick up for me.

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept mum and said something like " Yes, things are so expensive now everywhere across the world." But I felt completely attacked in what I thought was a safe space. Since then, I have barely posted in the group, except to answer questions. I did go away on holiday in February, but kept it quiet ( in the past I might have shared pix). I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

Recently the most aggressive friend who complained most about not being able to afford a holiday has gone on a very luxurious holiday in a far away destination and posted lots of updates. So has another friend. Everybody has said "Wonderful" and asked for details ( as any normal person would).

I feel hurt by the different standards but maybe I am missing something. I should also say that when I went quiet, so did everybody more or less, and the group is quite quiet now. Posts maybe once in ten days. I miss the old group but the atmosphere has changed for me.

Someone was probably feeling a bit grumpy or hard done to that day but no need for that to cause a fall out or the end of the group. I wouldn't revisit it. Just let it go. At most comment on the friends facebook post of holiday saying "Have a great time!" Being passive aggressive will get you nowhere.

My mum is paying for us to go on a resort holiday this year. It is costing 10 X what we could afford to spend on a holiday. The last time we had a holiday of this type was 8 years ago and we put it on a credit card then because we couldn't afford it.

I have already asked my husband if we can not post about it on social media. It is not a secret at all but a lot of people are having a hard time at the moment and many facebook "friends" would know very little of our circumstances and I have no wish to add to the "other people can afford a holiday" feelings of any one struggling.

I expect someone was just feeling sensitive. Maybe their family paid for their holiday or they decided to put it on credit etc.

OP said she would have loved to go on a cheap holiday but DP was studying.

Friends got a nark on and it turned into “well it’s all right for you, some of us can’t even afford to go on hol.”

OP didn’t say anything but felt this was a dig at what she had written and went quiet on group for a bit.

Now most aggressive friend is posting pix of a super luxury holiday and other friends are saying “wow, amazing”.

OP feels this is a bit unfair/double standards.

I’ve been in situations on WhatsApp groups - busy and previously very active ones - where as soon as there has been any hint of a “disagreement”, however minor, between a couple of people it basically immediately goes silent and fizzles out. Even if the people involved flounced, which they did do in the cases I’m thinking of. Can’t really explain it, I think maybe just everyone feeling a lingering sense of awkwardness?

sounds like one of them is very jealous of you all doing so well, I hope you get away somewhere gorgeous and sunny x

I agree with a PP that it's probably use of the word cheap. It got peoples backs up that OP called something which has become fairly unaffordable for an average family 'cheap'. The other person did something luxurious but owned it as being so. I still think it's been a massive overreaction, but I would guess that's the route of the issue.

I think it sounds like this.

Do any of you actually meet up in real life? I find it impossible to sustain idle chit chat with long term friends that I never see.

I think you need to read it again.

I agree with MatildaTheCat and Winter2020, unless these friends are normally people who go around being passive aggressive or flat out aggressive you probably got them on a bad day. Being in December, when money may have been a bit short and the cost of living crisis was being drummed into us on an hourly basis via the news and social media didn't help. I expect when you meet them in person they have all forgotten about it and would feel really bad to think taking out their bad mood on you had caused long term upset.

Yes I think this is a real possibility. Why don’t you try posting the sort of stuff you used to before and see if you get the vibe of the group back.

I think a lot of women friendship groups go this way eventually. There will more often than not be one person in a group of three or more that will find an issue with something. Others will back off as they don’t want then conflict, or join in, if they’re that way inclined - and then the group disintegrates. It’s almost a pattern. There’s usually a lovebombing stage at the beginning where everyone thinks it’s the best thing ever. There’ll be an initial falling out that blows over and then the eventual one.

Same. I’m part of a WhatsApp that is an old group of friends who have dispersed around the country and I find it really hard to join in at times - it feels really forced to me.

OP - I suspect (given the way I would feel in a similar situation) that it is a combination of you being a bit over sensitive in your reading of what was said, plus your friends being the sort of people who like to be all drama about something (COL in this case) but having selective memory when it comes to things they want to do later (I have a couple of friends exactly this - in Jan they were all handwringing about not being able to afford to do anything - they are now all away at Easter).

From what you've posted, it does sound like maybe you interpreted your friend's moaning about CoL as an attack on you - but it isn't clear that any of it was meant that way.

Have to say I can't see anything your friends did wrong from what you wrote in your OP. Your friends comments don't read as snarky or aggressive to me. They also don't seem directed towards you particularly.
In the kindest way, if anything you've maybe been a bit unintendedly pass agg in your response to the perceived issue by distancing yourself and not saying anything about why.
I mean this gently - are you someone prone to anxiety/overthinking/self-criticism/feeling judged. Just that would make sense why you'd understandably read a situation (which as other said is so hard in text form) through that lens.

Definitely catch up in person and I wouldn't bring it up. I wonder if people have even noticed you've been quiet as everyone is busily caught up in their own lives. and if they have noticed, they probably just think you're busy. I'm sure they'd be surprised to hear how you've been feeling and I think it would make it awkward to bring it up unless there's an obvious issue (I don't think there will be). Hope you feel better about it soon!

It’s very hard to read the tone of a WhatsApp message, most communication is non verbal.
Are you very good friends with all that’s people?
I’m in WhatsApp groups with sone people I’m not that close to and I’m careful with what I post.
In general I tend to be far more unreserved when I am talking in person to someone as not everyone will get my humour.
I think pointing out holidays are no longer cheap is fine. It doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is saying you are ungrateful or mean blah blah it’s just stating a fact.
However there is always the possibility that they don’t like your dh, could that be it?

I'd think this also. I wouldn't think they were getting at you. Rather just discussing the price of everything. I know it's hard to tell sometimes.

Your so called friends are frankly being jealous and petty, your comment about your partner studying and working seems to have hit a nerve,the comment specifically about this and wanting a cheap holiday ,elicited the pile on. They say “ it’s ok for you” that’s because they see the future you have ahead that they don’t. You say right now you are in the same financial situation, yes right now, but your partner is taking steps for a better future. I don’t know if your friends are single or dissatisfied with their lives and relationships , but women can be exceptionally jealous and competitive when it comes to partners and have a tendency to equate their own value, with the success of their other half. You cannot do anything about their reaction and certainly have nothing to apologise for, you simply need to decide if you want to spend time with those who are begrudging of a “friends” personal happiness and partner’s ambition ,real friends are happy for you. Keep it light but don’t let them bother you,after all youre just “ WhatsApp “ pals,real friends won’t leave you feeling this way or continually snipe at you.

Was your ‘cheap holiday’ comment regarding a destination where one of them currently lives?

I think generally you need tougher skin if you can’t handle WhatsApp groups and think you’ll end up leaving an internet thread in tears. Maybe take this year to work on yourself and your emotions, that’ll do you a lot more good than a holiday.

RE your WhatsApp group though, sounds like they all had a race to the bottom type argument that didn’t actually involve you but was sparked by the suggestion of cheap holidays.

Blimey.

Before I knew it, the general mood of the group changed to " Well, it's all right for you, isn't it, but some of us can't afford a decent holiday any more." Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them, the rest were ok but didn't stick up for me

I’m interested in how you can work out “the mood” from a series of words exchanged back and forth? Unless someone actually typed “well it’s alright for you isn’t it? Unlike you we can’t afford it and you’re insensitive” then it is all guess work and mind reading on your part with a layer of interpretation on top and then actually creating your own hurt from that. I’m not being harsh, but I think you have upset yourself for no reason. You said nothing wrong and I don’t think the responses were an attack. No one defended you because there was nothing to defend you from.

Imagine being face to face and mentioning your tough year and needing a cheap holiday and getting the same sort of verbal response that holidays were impossible for them right now. You’d all have the extra visual clues about tone, you’d have an easier dialogue and you’d probably have said something that made your intention clear, and been able to see the true nature of what your friends said. It’s why I loathe friendships run online, because the possibilities for misunderstanding are so great.

I know it’s not easy but try and catch up in person regularly and avoid the need to keep the WhatsApp back and forth alive; good but distant friendships have always survived a gap in communications traditionally (when calls and letters were the only option) and it’s still possible now! Just chip in occasionally with a “hope you’re all well” and join in to plan face to face meet ups and leave it at that. Don’t torture yourself!

Is it possible that those who live abroad thought you were angling for a free/cheap stay with them? Hence the reaction to what they may have interpreted as cheeky fuckery?

Blimey indeed @Qbish! This is where assumption, guess work, interpretation and mind reading about others’ words and intentions can take you!

I think you are probably right and also, I got them at a bad time and a bad day.

Sorry, can't reply to everyone, but yes, we do meet in person, though as not much as we would like. I agree online friendships are tough, but I just got used to it in the pandemic, and I like to hold on to my friends. To pp who asked if I am especially anxious or sensitive, definitely not anxious. Not sure if I am overly sensitive. Maybe.

To pp who said they probably haven't noticed that I have gone quiet, absolutely true!😁We all have busy lives so I wouldn't either.

And now time to leave this thread. Thanks all!

You have taken in good part, OP. Doesn't happen often in AIBU!