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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baffled by friends' behaviour in WhatsApp group

92 replies

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:32

Regular but NCed. First time I have posted here and will probably have to leave the thread in tears if people are really mean, but am really baffled by this situation. Changed a few details.

Will try not to dripfeed, so this may be long. I am part of a group of six friends, all around the same age and roughly in the same financial circumstances. We are all scattered across the UK and a couple overseas as well, so we keep in touch by WhatsApp. The group is busy- or it used to be- and we post a few times a week. Nothing heavy, just fun stuff like TV shows we are watching, trips we are taking or books we are reading, but also a few updates about our families: DD got into X uni, DH got a new job and so on...

Anyway, last year was quite a tough one for me with some health issues in the family and DH in a stressful job/study thing. In December, I posted something like " Gosh, what a year. I am dying for a cheap sun and sand holiday in X or Y place, but we can't go away this year as DH is studying and needs to finish his course". That was it. Suddenly the "mood" in the WhatsApp group turned very strange. One friend said holidays in X or Y are no longer cheap what with inflation and CoL, another friend overseas began to argue that things are much worse where she is, with a takeaway costing ££££.. You know how tone is lost on WhatsApp groups and also how posts fly back and forth. Before I knew it, the general mood of the group changed to " Well, it's all right for you, isn't it, but some of us can't afford a decent holiday any more." Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them, the rest were ok but didn't stick up for me.

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept mum and said something like " Yes, things are so expensive now everywhere across the world." But I felt completely attacked in what I thought was a safe space. Since then, I have barely posted in the group, except to answer questions. I did go away on holiday in February, but kept it quiet ( in the past I might have shared pix). I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

Recently the most aggressive friend who complained most about not being able to afford a holiday has gone on a very luxurious holiday in a far away destination and posted lots of updates. So has another friend. Everybody has said "Wonderful" and asked for details ( as any normal person would).

I feel hurt by the different standards but maybe I am missing something. I should also say that when I went quiet, so did everybody more or less, and the group is quite quiet now. Posts maybe once in ten days. I miss the old group but the atmosphere has changed for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 18:47

YouOKHun · 14/04/2023 18:36

Before I knew it, the general mood of the group changed to " Well, it's all right for you, isn't it, but some of us can't afford a decent holiday any more." Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them, the rest were ok but didn't stick up for me

I’m interested in how you can work out “the mood” from a series of words exchanged back and forth? Unless someone actually typed “well it’s alright for you isn’t it? Unlike you we can’t afford it and you’re insensitive” then it is all guess work and mind reading on your part with a layer of interpretation on top and then actually creating your own hurt from that. I’m not being harsh, but I think you have upset yourself for no reason. You said nothing wrong and I don’t think the responses were an attack. No one defended you because there was nothing to defend you from.

Imagine being face to face and mentioning your tough year and needing a cheap holiday and getting the same sort of verbal response that holidays were impossible for them right now. You’d all have the extra visual clues about tone, you’d have an easier dialogue and you’d probably have said something that made your intention clear, and been able to see the true nature of what your friends said. It’s why I loathe friendships run online, because the possibilities for misunderstanding are so great.

I know it’s not easy but try and catch up in person regularly and avoid the need to keep the WhatsApp back and forth alive; good but distant friendships have always survived a gap in communications traditionally (when calls and letters were the only option) and it’s still possible now! Just chip in occasionally with a “hope you’re all well” and join in to plan face to face meet ups and leave it at that. Don’t torture yourself!

Really good and thoughtful post. I can see what you mean.

Btw, suddenly a discussion about trans rights rose in the group- quite unusual- and I stayed well away!:)

Ok, just had to clarify that the cheap holiday destinations were not where any of them stayed. I never stay with friends these days because we are all in our 40s and busy with DC, elderly parents, dying pets etc etc.

OP posts:

GreekDogRescue · 14/04/2023 18:50

Large WhatsApp groups are pretty pointless and usually wither on the vine.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 14/04/2023 18:57

I am wondering if it was the timing of your post being Decemner it’s is a month of lots of financial pressure affording everything ,
plus multiple interest rate rises for
mortgages happening in a short
space of time. They may have been feeling very squeezed at that
time?

AlwaysGinPlease · 14/04/2023 19:06

They're being silly OP. One thing I loathe is " it's alright for you because (fill in the blank). It's rude. It's also boring. We have a friend in our group. She is always saying oh it's alright for some/for you. She doesn't earn what most of us do. I can't help that. We don't rub it in her face, in fact we try not to mention things in front of her. But the oh new shoes/top/bag comments are just dull. She lost her shit when we got new cars and I wanted to tell her to shhh. But instead I just seethe silently 😂

PixiePirate · 14/04/2023 19:16

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread but I wonder if the overseas friends thought you were hinting that you wanted to visit them for a cheap holiday?

SecretSwirrel · 14/04/2023 19:19

It sounds like you could be reading a bit much into it. These are friends you rarely actually see so why get too hung up on it.

That said, it does sound like a bit of a competitive pity party. I think you’re right to hang back.

Delectable · 14/04/2023 19:24

Maybe organise a Zoom call for the group, find out how they are, what they feel about the group and say how you feel.

YouOKHun · 14/04/2023 19:24

AlwaysGinPlease · 14/04/2023 19:06

Though no one actually said “it’s alright for you …”, that was just OP’s assumption about the “mood” of the typed responses @AlwaysGinPlease

GlasgowGal82 · 14/04/2023 19:26

Your friend might have been stressed out about the CoL and overestimating the extent to which it would impact on her ability to do things like go on holiday, but when she gave herself a shake she has realised that yes she does still have choices and she is able to go on a holiday. I have a tendency overestimate the impact it has on my family for various reasons and am quite risk averse about big purchases like holidays but my OH usually manages to talk me round.

swayingpalmtree · 14/04/2023 19:34

One thing I still dont get: You imply you are annoyed that the same friend who was moaning about how costly holidays are now, then went on a luxurious holiday (which I agree is a bit hypocritical) but earlier you say YOU were moaning about the fact you needed a holiday and couldnt go but then it appears you went in February! So, how is that any different? You were also moaning about needing a holiday and not being able to have one but you literally went on holiday like, a month later!

Why is everyone in the group moaning about wanting holidays when you ALL appear to be going on them anyway??

CheshireCat1 · 14/04/2023 19:37

I’d bin them all off, it’s not worth the aggro.

Teateaandmoretea · 14/04/2023 20:16

They sound a bit weird to me.

I think it’s more likely they were looking down on you tbh. People are very snotty about holiday destinations and wasting money on the likes of Benidorm is beyond the middle class pale (I’ve been to Benidorm for a cheap beach holiday with the kids and people were horrified 😂😂). Whispers (it’s really not that bad, lovely sunny bay). But visiting Benidorm is a waste of money whereas somewhere classy isn’t.

Only you know if they are worth sticking with. Most people have their redeeming features and are a mixture of good and bad after all.

Hellybelly84 · 14/04/2023 20:18

With true friends you should be able to speak about absolutely anything at any time. Im happy if friends go on holiday even if we cant that year for a number of reasons. You should also have felt able to chat about any health issues with proper friends too. It all sounds very competitive (not you OP, but the others) as to who is worse off. Where is the support for others in the group?

I think you either draw a line under it or have a think about how much their friendship means to you if its gone quiet for months?

Tophy124 · 14/04/2023 20:26

So it’s fine for you to have a whinge, but not for others to then join in? If I was complaining about my life I wouldn’t be offended if others chipped in about their own hard circumstances. You sound a touch narcissistic OP and I’d look into it to see if there is a reason you took other peoples/comments as such a personal attack just on you. The group chat doesn’t revolve around you and your reactions after have been really dramatic like you’re waiting for them to notice you’re quiet. I’d keep messaging in the chat this wouldn’t be worth losing lifelong friends over.

awaynboilyurheid · 14/04/2023 20:27

I would just say that sounds wonderful hoping to go away myself and then you can mention if you go somewhere , but if it’s all gone competitive in that some can go and everyone’s says that’s great, with obvious favourites and yet others are made to feel bad then time to leave the groups.

Mycatisfatafatcat · 14/04/2023 20:32

If they’re real friends you want to lose them over a couple of stressed posts about money? Grow up. Why didn’t you ask them what the issue was at the time? It sounds like your sulking has ruined the group. They probably all chat on another.

cheshirecat2 · 02/06/2023 10:24

I thought that also, that the overseas friends thought you were after a cheap holiday. Also some friendships just run their course. Some last a lifetime and others just go for no good reason. Let go and move on. I had a group of friends pe covid but after covid none of them were interested. That’s life I guess :)

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