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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Baffled by friends' behaviour in WhatsApp group

92 replies

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 16:32

Regular but NCed. First time I have posted here and will probably have to leave the thread in tears if people are really mean, but am really baffled by this situation. Changed a few details.

Will try not to dripfeed, so this may be long. I am part of a group of six friends, all around the same age and roughly in the same financial circumstances. We are all scattered across the UK and a couple overseas as well, so we keep in touch by WhatsApp. The group is busy- or it used to be- and we post a few times a week. Nothing heavy, just fun stuff like TV shows we are watching, trips we are taking or books we are reading, but also a few updates about our families: DD got into X uni, DH got a new job and so on...

Anyway, last year was quite a tough one for me with some health issues in the family and DH in a stressful job/study thing. In December, I posted something like " Gosh, what a year. I am dying for a cheap sun and sand holiday in X or Y place, but we can't go away this year as DH is studying and needs to finish his course". That was it. Suddenly the "mood" in the WhatsApp group turned very strange. One friend said holidays in X or Y are no longer cheap what with inflation and CoL, another friend overseas began to argue that things are much worse where she is, with a takeaway costing ££££.. You know how tone is lost on WhatsApp groups and also how posts fly back and forth. Before I knew it, the general mood of the group changed to " Well, it's all right for you, isn't it, but some of us can't afford a decent holiday any more." Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them, the rest were ok but didn't stick up for me.

I didn't know what to say, so I just kept mum and said something like " Yes, things are so expensive now everywhere across the world." But I felt completely attacked in what I thought was a safe space. Since then, I have barely posted in the group, except to answer questions. I did go away on holiday in February, but kept it quiet ( in the past I might have shared pix). I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

Recently the most aggressive friend who complained most about not being able to afford a holiday has gone on a very luxurious holiday in a far away destination and posted lots of updates. So has another friend. Everybody has said "Wonderful" and asked for details ( as any normal person would).

I feel hurt by the different standards but maybe I am missing something. I should also say that when I went quiet, so did everybody more or less, and the group is quite quiet now. Posts maybe once in ten days. I miss the old group but the atmosphere has changed for me.

OP posts:
MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:05

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/04/2023 17:01

I agree with those saying that you have taken offence where none was intended - I would put it behind you and join in the chat again.

This is entirely possible. Also possible that I am too online post pandemic. That's what DH says. Though to be honest, he has no friends!

I am meeting some of these friends in person shortly and will catch up properly soon.

OP posts:
Qbish · 14/04/2023 17:06

Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them

So you moaning about your situation is completely OK, but other people moaning about theirs are being "loud"?!

TBH, you sound like a sensitive insensitive person.

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:06

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 17:05

It just sounds like something about your comment on wanting a holiday touched a nerve with one or two people at that time.

You low-key avoided the group as you felt very sensitive.

Now, months later, one of those people has been able to go on holiday.

It all sounds fairly OK, really?

Also possible!

OP posts:
NBLarsen · 14/04/2023 17:08

There's nothing in your post that suggests an attack on you. You said you fancied a cheap holiday but couldn't go, someone else has said that holiday isn't cheap anymore because of CoL increase (not your fault), someone else has agreed that CoL has increased where they are too (also not your fault).
You say the general "mood" changed to "it's alright for you", is that your interpretation of the mood or is that what someone has said? Seems odd they would say it's alright for you planning a holiday if they subsequently planned a luxurious holiday themselves.
Unless you've left out some significant details I wonder if you've been over sensitive and added a tone to the messages that wasn't intended.

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:09

Qbish · 14/04/2023 17:06

Two of the posters were very loud about how tough things were for them

So you moaning about your situation is completely OK, but other people moaning about theirs are being "loud"?!

TBH, you sound like a sensitive insensitive person.

I think you have missed that the people saying I was lucky to be able to afford a holiday at all, went away on much more luxurious holidays themselves. And as these are all old friends, we are in the same financial circumstances, more or less. I know none of them are skint.

I just don't like to justify what I am earning or have to apologise for it. Just to clarify, DH is earning and working at the same time. Not a young student.

OP posts:
LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 14/04/2023 17:10

I suspect your overseas friends thought you were fishing for an invitation.

KrisAkabusi · 14/04/2023 17:11

You said two people were loud and the rest didn't stick up for you. I honestly can't see anything that would require them to stick up for you. I really think you're reading too much into this.

SixPurpleChairs · 14/04/2023 17:11

Are you a SAHM or part-time? Could they be feeling hard done by?

I think there is a bit of a race to the bottom post covid and society is becoming a bit bitter and cynical. I have a friend who never fails to make a dig about my career as she feels hard done by.

I'd hang in there but keep it light. Maybe intro discussion about a film or something.

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:15

Just to clarify, DH is earning and working at the same time.

I meant, studying and working! Sorry.

I also work full time. It is possible I am being oversensitive, but also I think things have got a bit weird/intense after Covid. Yes, I now plan to keep all convos light.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 14/04/2023 17:15

I would've had to say something like bloody hell, you made me feel really awful when I said I wanted a holiday. You said that you had no money at all. Now you're going on a big fancy holiday! I only wanted a cheap holiday!

Qbish · 14/04/2023 17:16

KrisAkabusi · 14/04/2023 17:11

You said two people were loud and the rest didn't stick up for you. I honestly can't see anything that would require them to stick up for you. I really think you're reading too much into this.

Yes, OP seems to think that the Whatsapp group is all about her.

On a more charitable note, OP, maybe try and put yourself in their shoes? "OP is moaning about not being able to go on a "cheap" holiday, I wish I could even afford a thing!" is maybe how they were feeling. And now you are still criticising them, for, um, going on holiday?

GreenHorses · 14/04/2023 17:20

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. You are a bit sensitive that’s all.

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:21

Qbish · 14/04/2023 17:16

Yes, OP seems to think that the Whatsapp group is all about her.

On a more charitable note, OP, maybe try and put yourself in their shoes? "OP is moaning about not being able to go on a "cheap" holiday, I wish I could even afford a thing!" is maybe how they were feeling. And now you are still criticising them, for, um, going on holiday?

I don't get this? I am criticising them not for going on holiday, but for making me feel bad that when I was contemplating one? When actually they can afford it. Is that not clear?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 14/04/2023 17:21

You seem to have taken it very personally. Seems like they were just having a general moan about how expensive holidays have become. Why do you feel it was aggressive? You can't read the tone of voice on WhatsApp. Even if someone wrote "Well I can't afford a bloody holiday!!!" or something it doesn't mean they were being aggressive - could have been said in a lighthearted way but you just misread the tone.

Allthingsbrightandbeautifulx · 14/04/2023 17:22

PuppyMonkey · 14/04/2023 16:55

I would have been very tempted to post a “glad you were able to get away somewhere lovely after all” after the aggressive friend’s holiday posts.Grin

This 😂

suburbophobe · 14/04/2023 17:23

Are you sure you are not being over sensitive?

Nothing wrong with being over sensitive!

It's a problem when people are "over sensitive" and make it all about "me me me".

I would be going low-key on this group OP if it just stresses you out.

Questions97 · 14/04/2023 17:24

I think you were being oversensitive. It's easy to misconstrue the tone of texts. You do refer to one of them in not a nice way though so may be you have grown apart? Try to share some nice pictures of what you have been up to recently and see if you can reconnect with the group.

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:24

SallyWD · 14/04/2023 17:21

You seem to have taken it very personally. Seems like they were just having a general moan about how expensive holidays have become. Why do you feel it was aggressive? You can't read the tone of voice on WhatsApp. Even if someone wrote "Well I can't afford a bloody holiday!!!" or something it doesn't mean they were being aggressive - could have been said in a lighthearted way but you just misread the tone.

Again, definitely possible.

OP posts:
swimlyn · 14/04/2023 17:24

It sounds to me like they are not true friends at all. Do you think they are?

Do you want to keep it going “like it was”?

It’s easy to walk away from this, OR you try and rescue the situation.

We’ve had many a friend (or neighbour) start in on us for no reason. Some being extremely offensive and gossiping about us. They behave like school kids sometimes. (sorry that’s rude to school kids!)

Only you can decide whether any or all of them are worth your time.

Dibbydoos · 14/04/2023 17:24

The current economic situation has caused rifts everywhere. Those eho are funding tge pinch are hitting out at others, it looks like that's what's happened here, but the person who complained most then zips off on a lux holiday clear is a just jumping on tge brand wagon wtf.

I'd ignore her and post something about the weekend and weather eg I'm looking forward to the bit of summer we're being promised this month, arent you?. If it's dry this weekend I'm going to ... what are you doing?

Qbish · 14/04/2023 17:27

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:21

I don't get this? I am criticising them not for going on holiday, but for making me feel bad that when I was contemplating one? When actually they can afford it. Is that not clear?

You have decided that they were actively trying to "make you feel bad". Some of us are saying that that may have not been the case.

ThanksItHasPockets · 14/04/2023 17:27

I don’t want to be obtuse or unkind as you are obviously feeling fragile @MabelleSainsburySeale but I have read your OP twice and I don’t understand what the friends have actually done wrong.

MabelleSainsburySeale · 14/04/2023 17:31

ThanksItHasPockets · 14/04/2023 17:27

I don’t want to be obtuse or unkind as you are obviously feeling fragile @MabelleSainsburySeale but I have read your OP twice and I don’t understand what the friends have actually done wrong.

Not at all unkind:) Hard to express the "mood" as posts were flying fast, but this is exactly why I should stay off WhatsApp.

What I have gathered from this vent:

I am being oversensitive: definitely possible.
They were not trying to make me feel bad: also possible.
Social media is awful for friendships and tone is often lost: Definitely true.

Solution: try to meet people in person. Also, it is possible that I do not know all their circumstances.

OP posts:
Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 17:32

Qbish · 14/04/2023 17:16

Yes, OP seems to think that the Whatsapp group is all about her.

On a more charitable note, OP, maybe try and put yourself in their shoes? "OP is moaning about not being able to go on a "cheap" holiday, I wish I could even afford a thing!" is maybe how they were feeling. And now you are still criticising them, for, um, going on holiday?

Do you not see the irony in the fact that the person who attacked op about being able to afford a cheap holiday was the one that just a few months later went on an expensive holiday!! How the hell do you get the impression that op thinks the WhatsApp group is about her! Reading comprehension really is at an all time low mumsnet.

MatildaTheCat · 14/04/2023 17:35

I think December is a month when many people feel especially hard up and last year much more so. Christmas, food prices, exorbitant fuel prices… it’s easy how someone at the point might think, ‘bloody hell, how can they afford to be think about sun and sand?’

CoL hasn’t got better but we are pretty quick to get used to things and obviously holidays are still being booked. In huge quantities according to a news report yesterday.

So I think you just commented at one moment in time that was tricky for a few. Move on and post a couple of appalling jokes.

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