Page 21 | AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

GroundFogDay · 2023-04-14T09:50:48+00:00

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous. We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some). It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility. He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect *me* to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs). I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said? YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same. YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 14/04/2023 20:35

It's a conversation you really should have had before you got married. It'd be one of the key things to consider especially as you were already planning children of your own.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:37

I was just clarifying. I think that makes a very significant difference. In the op's situation she is raising the siblings of these children whose care is being discussed. That is a really important blood tie, especially in cases where the parents are no longer alive.

The sibling tie is irrelevant - they're not OP's children and it's not her job to step in and raise them.

She's said she'd be perfectly happy to facilitate a sibling relationship - she just doesn't want to be responsible for raising children that aren't hers to raise.

Taking on someone else's children is a huge huge ask - it's not something anyone should do unless they're absolutely certain that they're able to do so.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:38

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2023 20:33

The sibling tie is irrelevant tbh. OP has said she’d be willing to maintain a sibling relationship between them. -and she doesn’t need to house them in order to do that.

The only people responsible for children are the parents. Not stepparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins.

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That is a very hardline and restrictive view that you have of care for children in general.

I don't have stepchildren, but I feel responsibility to some extent for lots of children I know - close friends' children mainly.

I could not see e.g.my best friend's two children go into care. I'd have to take them if no one else could. I am not a particularly maternal person but I feel like we all have some responsibility towards children we know and care for.

I think most people would expect the op to at the very least think about it and discuss it, rather than just a flat-out no.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:39

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:37

I was just clarifying. I think that makes a very significant difference. In the op's situation she is raising the siblings of these children whose care is being discussed. That is a really important blood tie, especially in cases where the parents are no longer alive.

The sibling tie is irrelevant - they're not OP's children and it's not her job to step in and raise them.

She's said she'd be perfectly happy to facilitate a sibling relationship - she just doesn't want to be responsible for raising children that aren't hers to raise.

Taking on someone else's children is a huge huge ask - it's not something anyone should do unless they're absolutely certain that they're able to do so.

Were you absolutely certain you'd be able to look after your own children before you had them? Amazing if so. I certainly wasn't.
No one can ever be absolutely certain about these things. But op seems absolutely certain that she wouldn't even consider it.

I think it's not hard to understand why that has shaken her husband to hear

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:40

I think most people would expect the op to at the very least think about it and discuss it, rather than just a flat-out no.

She doesn't need to discuss it.

She doesn't want to do it - that's it. Done.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:41

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:40

I think most people would expect the op to at the very least think about it and discuss it, rather than just a flat-out no.

She doesn't need to discuss it.

She doesn't want to do it - that's it. Done.

Ok. She started the thread asking if her husband was unreasonable to be upset. I think his response is completely natural and I am surprised that she was so surprised by it.

Yes, no one can make her do it. But it's naive to think it won't affect their relationship now it's been said.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:43

@Bamboux

Every single parent I know has back-up plans in place in the event of their death or if they become incapacitated.

In my case, my mums' sister would have taken me in. If she was unable to do so, my godmother was next "in line" and after that, it was my dad's sister.

My parents had those plans in place from the day I was born, with the written agreement of everyone involved.

What they didn't do is leave it all to chance then get pissed off because someone they'd never asked said no.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:44

@Bamboux he has no right to be upset - he never had the discussion with her.

He's foolish for assuming she'd be willing to raise his children and an even bigger fool for not making arrangements with their mother in case of their deaths.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 20:45

@Bamboux OP is willing to discuss it, she said so herself. It's her husband that won't, hell he isn't talking to her at all at the moment.

And it wasn't a flat out no, it was a no based on her (frankly reasonable) assumption that they would go to relatives on their mother's side with whom they have a very close relationship with. Closer than with OP.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:45

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 20:18

But maybe they’re saying that because they wouldn’t be able to cope too? Which is why I think you’re coming down too hard on people. It might not be as simple as “not my responsibility” - there’s normally a list of reasons to add to that statement why it wouldn’t work for them and why they would struggle.

And even if it is just “not my job”, well as a non parent… they’re right.

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Not everything is life is 'work to rule', though. Especially when it comes to people we love. 'Not my job' could cover 99% of what most of us do every day.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:47

Not everything is life is 'work to rule', though. Especially when it comes to people we love.

Love doesn't mean we give up our own lives and choices for other people.

OP doesn't want to raise someone else's children. That should be respected.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:47

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:43

@Bamboux

Every single parent I know has back-up plans in place in the event of their death or if they become incapacitated.

In my case, my mums' sister would have taken me in. If she was unable to do so, my godmother was next "in line" and after that, it was my dad's sister.

My parents had those plans in place from the day I was born, with the written agreement of everyone involved.

What they didn't do is leave it all to chance then get pissed off because someone they'd never asked said no.

Yes, I understood that when you said earlier

And as I said, we were lucky to be able to come up with one reasonable option. Your parents were luckier to come from more functional families and to have more choices.

It sounds like op's husband is behaving like a sulky child. Not nice. On the other hand he's just realised that she feels v differently about their family than he does. It sounds pretty grim all round.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:49

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 20:45

@Bamboux OP is willing to discuss it, she said so herself. It's her husband that won't, hell he isn't talking to her at all at the moment.

And it wasn't a flat out no, it was a no based on her (frankly reasonable) assumption that they would go to relatives on their mother's side with whom they have a very close relationship with. Closer than with OP.

I've just reread the op and it sounds like a pretty firm no to me.

i agree he was stupid to have assumed she would be willing to do it, and they were both stupid not to have discussed it a lot earlier.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:49

It sounds pretty grim all round.

No - he just made a silly assumption and is now pissed off that he has to actually think about things and make some proper arrangements.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 14/04/2023 20:50

BertieBotts · 14/04/2023 19:53

I think the thing is, it's not a realistic scenario because what could possibly happen to kill both DH and DHEW both at the exact same time? Some kind of freak physical accident maybe - but when are they together, but without the DC being present too? Probably never?

So in reality, if the EW died then the children would likely come to live with OP and DH. If the DH then died months/years later, the children would be used to living with OP, OP would probably see all the children as equal and therefore presumably wouldn't turf them out onto the street in that scenario.

Or, if DH died, then the DC would probably reduce their contact with OP, still seeing her DC hopefully, but she wouldn't be their stepmother any more really would she? Therefore if DHEW subsequently died she probably wouldn't be a major figure in their lives and she wouldn't be expected to care for them.

She has already said that she wouldn’t let them live with her in the situation described in your middle paragraph, which is what I find hard to accept. Scenarios 1 and 3 are more understandable.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:51

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:49

It sounds pretty grim all round.

No - he just made a silly assumption and is now pissed off that he has to actually think about things and make some proper arrangements.

No, it is actually grim. He's an idiot, a sulky grumpy manchild, and an irresponsible father.

And she doesn't really care for his children, her children's siblings, who live with her for half of their lives. That's horrible for him to know for certain, and also horrible that the children will have picked up on that feeling.

So yeah. Grim all round.

Ktime · 14/04/2023 20:51

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:47

Yes, I understood that when you said earlier

And as I said, we were lucky to be able to come up with one reasonable option. Your parents were luckier to come from more functional families and to have more choices.

It sounds like op's husband is behaving like a sulky child. Not nice. On the other hand he's just realised that she feels v differently about their family than he does. It sounds pretty grim all round.

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I think he should appreciate his wife being honest.

Surely it would be worse if she blithely agreed on the premise of it being such an unlikely event, and he fails to make other arrangements for his DC?

Ktime · 14/04/2023 20:53

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:51

No, it is actually grim. He's an idiot, a sulky grumpy manchild, and an irresponsible father.

And she doesn't really care for his children, her children's siblings, who live with her for half of their lives. That's horrible for him to know for certain, and also horrible that the children will have picked up on that feeling.

So yeah. Grim all round.

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It’s not grim for children to be attached to their own parents.

Why would his dc look for a mum figure in OP if they have a perfectly good mum already?

Sounds like both households are pretty even.

Olive19741205 · 14/04/2023 20:55

OoooohMatron · 14/04/2023 11:15

YABU. It baffles me why people who think like this choose to get together with someone who already has children.

😂😆Don't be so ridiculous. What a dramatic statement.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 20:56

He's an idiot, a sulky grumpy manchild, and an irresponsible father.

No arguments there.

And she doesn't really care for his children, her children's siblings, who live with her for half of their lives. That's horrible for him to know for certain, and also horrible that the children will have picked up on that feeling.

She doesn't say she doesn't care for them, she just doesn't want to become their full time parent 🙄

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:56

Ktime · 14/04/2023 20:53

It’s not grim for children to be attached to their own parents.

Why would his dc look for a mum figure in OP if they have a perfectly good mum already?

Sounds like both households are pretty even.

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It's not very nice for children to feel unwanted and unloved in their home(s). Whether by stepfathers or stepmothers or indeed their own parents. Having to live with an adult who would rather you weren't there isn't a good way to grow up.

GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2023 20:58

@GroundFogDay
no he doesn't have life insurance or a will (another thread, I've told him before he needs to be better with stuff like this but he's lazy with things like this, I have both life insurance and a will, one policy pays out to DH and the other goes into trust for my children when they turn 18).

This I think is key. He is mentally lazy. You were supposed to sort this out for him. Step into the breach. Sort it out and make the problem go away.

He doesnt want to have to do the necessary mental lifting. He doesnt want to have a proper discussion with ex wife. He doesnt want to sort out a will, life insurance. He wanted you to say 'yes dear, I'll take them in' so that he doesnt have to bother about any of it.

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2023 21:02

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:38

That is a very hardline and restrictive view that you have of care for children in general.

I don't have stepchildren, but I feel responsibility to some extent for lots of children I know - close friends' children mainly.

I could not see e.g.my best friend's two children go into care. I'd have to take them if no one else could. I am not a particularly maternal person but I feel like we all have some responsibility towards children we know and care for.

I think most people would expect the op to at the very least think about it and discuss it, rather than just a flat-out no.

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So? I’m fully entitled to be hardline about choices I make for my own life. Anyway, it’s a statement of fact. That you feel responsible for the children of others doesn’t mean that you in fact are. If you choose to be, that’s on you. It doesn’t mean that anyone else is required to share the same viewpoint.

OP doesn’t need to think about it or discuss it. The only thing she needs to be is clear, and she has been. He needs to talk to their mother and sort out a plan with her.

Ktime · 14/04/2023 21:03

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:56

It's not very nice for children to feel unwanted and unloved in their home(s). Whether by stepfathers or stepmothers or indeed their own parents. Having to live with an adult who would rather you weren't there isn't a good way to grow up.

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Nothing indicates to me OP doesn’t them there.

Bit she married DH on the basis that he is responsible for his own children. If he dies, that basis is no longer valid.

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 21:04

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 20:56

It's not very nice for children to feel unwanted and unloved in their home(s). Whether by stepfathers or stepmothers or indeed their own parents. Having to live with an adult who would rather you weren't there isn't a good way to grow up.

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But how do you know OP is making them feel that way? She’s given no indication that they are unwanted or unloved. She’s not wishing them away. She might make them feel very welcome and happy for all you know. She doesn’t have to be a mum figure to do that.