To not leave my child alone while she is eating.

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We are due to go out in 40 minutes. DP has had a shower then likes to plonk on the bed for ages in his towel looking at his phone before he finishes getting ready. I have just asked if he can come down and watch DD (4) as she is still only halfway through breakfast so that I can get ready. He has shouted down and asked what she is eating and said she has ate that loads of times she will be fine. She choked on cake about 6 months ago and it was so scary trying to get her to cough it up.

AIBU would you leave a 4 year old eating downstairs by herself while you got a shower?

For the pps wondering how single parents manage, 'm a single parent and I wouldn't have left my son eating at 4 while I had a shower as I wouldn't have been able to hear him. I'd shower before I fed him, or when he was finished. I didn't 'hover constantly', and would have popped into the kitchen to get something, but I wouldn't have left him to eat a meal alone.

I hope you either got your partner to go downstairs or brought your daughter up to eat her breakfast on daddy's wet tummy.

He's really not pulling his weight- 40 mins scrolling on his phone in the morning is not something the parent of a 4 year old generally has time to do.

I always tailored my do's and don'ts towards my own kids because every kid is on their own, slightly different, developmental timeline. Kid (older than a toddler) that generally eats without choking = would let them eat while I get things done. Kid that almost choked on something only a few months ago = I stay nearby while they eat.

Or, as in my case, you have a kid who can eat without choking but the minute you turn your back they are trying to climb on the stove, pile chairs up so they can unlock the front doors and escape, etc. So, for my kids, they were basically under direct supervision at all moments from wakeup till bedtime until they were about 6 years old.

It’s sad when children have to eat alone.
I understand your fear about choking given your recent experience.
Your DH appears uncaring.

I wouldn't leave a 4 year old to eat by themselves. It's a a small inconvenience to avoid a potential deadly consequence.

YANBU.

I would have taken child and breakfast upstairs to sit with daddy.

I'm really surprised at these responses, I often leave my 20m this is the only time I can get things done as he's strapped into his high chair. I'm usually close by and do keep checking on him, but for the most part he's alone.

The fact that he would rather laze about on the bed than look after his child speaks volumes.
I have personal experience of a toddler and a 6 year old choking to death while eating unsupervised. One was the child of a colleague and the other a classmate of a friend's child.
When it happens it is silent.

I'm a single parent of 2 and I didn't leave my kids alone to eat at that age other than to nip in and out of the room. But I always usually eat with them, to model good eating habits. Definitely not to have a shower. My DS is now 7 and I shower while he eats breakfast alone because his sister (11) leaves for school early, previously they would sit and eat together over the last couple of years.

Just because he likes lying on the bed after a shower does not make him an idiot. I get why OP feels the way she does about her 4 year old eating alone and he could be more supportive of OPs feelings and just sit with the daughter but it does not make him an idiot. What a weird thing to say.

That's very sad, I've a 20 month old and I don't get much done with her around except when asleep but leaving a young toddler at prime choking age alone to eat is not very sensible, also not great for them socially.

@SalaDaeng when she choked last time this is what surprised me the most that she wasn't coughing as I expected she was silent aside from a few tiny sounds. I actually had gone into a different room when it happened but luckily came straight back.

It was DP who had to come in and hit her back and then perform the heimlich manovere twice on her so you think that would be etched on his brain. Anyway he did come down to watch her after moaning for a bit and I reminded him of this.

Really? A completely unsupervised 5 year old? Eating with no awake adult in the house. If your daughter HAD choked, how do you think that would have ended?

Proper choking is silent. I recently attended an infant first aid course and I assumed they’d be coughing and making noise so it is important to keep visuals on them and not just listen.

A month ago I would've said it's not ideal but probably fine. However, since then one of my kids has choked on a quartered strawberry... Not exactly your typical choking hazard and we'd done everything right in the sense that it was cut into smaller pieces etc Luckily my husband walked into the room when he did and we eventually dislodged it. Child was proper panicking as couldn't breathe. So now we're back to all eating taking place while we're in the room with them. It's just not worth the risk.

For me there’s something sad about someone sitting and eating alone. Even if it’s an adult, and choking risks aside.

At my parents’ house my dad always eats at the table but my mum eats in front of the TV. It works for them like that, but I just don’t like to see my dad go off to the dining room on his own and so I always go and sit with him, and interestingly then so do the rest of the family, and it turns the meal into a social thing rather than a lonely experience.

Reading this is making me feel like a terrible parent.
I leave my almost 6 year old downstairs whilst I take the younger one to nursery and her 17 year old sister is asleep upstairs (Only in the school holidays 2 days a week)

My youngest 2 eat breakfast everyday whilst I shower, they either eat in front of the TV or in front of their tablets.

I think people are being a bit ridiculous about 'it's so sad to eat alone'. If a child eats all their meals alone then that seems a bit sad, yes. That doesn't mean all three meals a day every day have to be social occasions. In lots of families breakfast isn't a meal that's a social occasion - it's more a case of people getting food into them as they need to so they can get to where they need to be. Children need to eat socially regularly, not absolutely always; they won't suffer from eating a bowl of cereal without practicing their social repartee at the same time.

I don’t think its a big deal really, I think there’s two issues here, the first is that you want your husband to be present and helping share the load when he’s up and out of bed, and second the choking issue. I have a 4 year old and we usually start eating breakfast together but then I go and get ready while he takes another half hour over it 😂 so I do leave him alone to eat regularly, the only thing I’m cautious of is apples, my dad nearly died choking on a piece of apple a few years ago so I can understand your unease.

My 4yo (ASD/sensory issues/ARFID) eats breakfast in bed every morning without us. He takes a little while to get going in the mornings and can’t eat under pressure so letting him have a bagel in bed avoids a meltdown.

Nope. I would never leave a 4 year old to eat on their own and even with older children, im still within earshot. Grown adults need to be able to organise their life enough to have a shower and be around for kids having breakfast. Im up early dressed and ready for work before my kids wake up for breakfast every day. I’d rather not take the risk. They are not left to eat alone at pre school/school (adults regularly check on them), so at least a parent should be nearby in my opinion.

DS choked very badly at 10 months old on a segment of clementine. It was completely silent and he went grey. I am still traumatized by it and struggle to leave him alone in the house when eating. He is 13 years old though so I have to let him. Can you get therapy before you get to where I am?

Just to say if someone is chocking on something they often are unable to make any noise.
I keep a close eye on my 2 year old for this reason.

Hi Op

He can stay with her whilst she is eating,
Beneficial for socialisation

Exactly. And shes not with an older sibling either (who you hope would scream if that happened but cant guarantee it). On school mornings, it makes no difference to stay with my children around where they are eating. I have a shower before breakfast then do the jobs around the kitchen (dishwasher, put washing on, sort packed lunch, school bags etc and have breakfast myself whilst they are eating). I think most parents can organise their lives to be around for 10-15 minutes in the morning whilst their children eat. Get up 15 minutes earlier if you cant.