Not to tell my family that I am terminally ill?

[FelicityFlops]

Just that, really. Not a big deal for me, but I am a childless widow, so the only other people are my siblings. There is more than enough cash in the bak to pay for a funeral with some left over. I would ensure that family jerellerey and other things have, are sorted out in a will.

For now, you could organise your affairs to facilitate a dignified exit and write a note saying whatever you feel you want to say to those who love you and whom you love. Then you get on with doing all the things you know for sure that you want to do now. You might change your mind with regard to talking to your family, you might not, it's not important. Write the note then that's done, you don't need to exert energy wondering about things you're not clear on. You focus on you. You do what feels good to you.

I think this is very insightful and thought provoking. The key question is ‘What will make your life easier?’. I recently had (non life threatening) surgery and spent half my time comforting people who were worried about me. I didn’t even tell some people close to me because I just couldn’t face the drama and having to talk about it all the time. If you have one or two strong, reliable, discreet people you wish to confide and you can rely on them then you may wish to talk to them in case your circumstances change quickly and you need practical and emotional support, but otherwise, in your shoes, I wouldn’t tell anyone until I had to.

I am sorry you have had such bad news, and I wish you nothing but the best x

Hi Felicity

I’m with you on this. Once people know they put their own feelings and experiences on you. You can always tell them nearer the time, or leave a letter with your will saying goodbye.

I had cancer diagnosis and treatment for several months last year, and told only my daughters, no friends or extended family.

I told people (but still not family) after end of treatment, reactions of horror and/or concern made me glad I just kept my head down and got on with it.

No right or wrong answer but wouldn’t you like to see them in person one last time?

Surely it's not the job of a terminally ill person to spend energy helping others to process their death?

This is all entirely up to you, and what you feel is best.

My father didn’t have a terminal illness, but did have a condition that was affecting him. He would spend some time in intensive care, get cleared up and come back out.
We didn’t know how bad it really was, and he had had enough. Unknown to us he had a plan to close off what he wanted to do, get everything in order and when ready at his next hospitalisation would refuse treatments and let things take their natural course.

We come from Orkney but live in the south.
My gran on my mothers side died and we all headed up for the funeral
I had lost my best friend, and took advantage of the time away but unaware of my fathers plans.

On our last day I declined the option of an early morning ferry ride to his island and many whiskeys - bearing in mind that we drove up as doesn’t like planes and I was also facing a couple of days driving back (which he also had scheduled with some stops along the way with friends - more of his plan)

Once we got back home that probably would have been it and he would have been ready for his next final hospital stay.
But his plan was scuppered by a phone call the day after we got home. One of his original army buddies had got back in touch after over 40 years (in fact he had only just decided to get in touch, looked up the Orkney phone book as my father had always said he would go back to the island, and without the right name called the first matching surname to be told by my uncle “You’ve just missed him, he’s on his way home” but then told he’ll be on the road for a few days

This brought in a new lease of life for a few months for them to reunite
(They first decided to meet at the next regimental reunion, then that they wouldn’t wait that long and arranged a meet, we had storms which postponed a few weeks until they got together)

He didn’t make it long enough until the regimental reunion, but they did both meet up and it wasn’t too long afterwards that he was next ill and then told us about his plans

Do what is right for you, include thinking of your family but it’s entirely up to you on how you manage that

Hi OP, hope you are OK.

You absolutely should do whatever you like.

As a sister, I would like to know if one of my siblings was terminally ill.

I would definitely want to come and visit them to chat and laugh, drink wine /coffee - do whatever - before they died. However, if they didn't want that to happen that's also ok, we could zoom.
I would just like to know.

But you know your family and how they would react and if that would be a comfort to you in the final stages of your life.

You just do what you want

It isn't, but I imagine that most people don't want to cause their loved ones unnecessary grief.

That doesn't mean OP has to tell them, but as several people have suggested, leaving a letter behind that explains the decision and expresses love and tells them not to have any regrets, would go a long way.

I'm getting old, have already lost my husband to a terminal condition, and have had a recent health scare. So my death is something that I think about more than I used to. And the only thing I dread about it, is what my death will do to my youngish adult children. I want to make it as 'easy' for them as I can.

I get that it's probably not such an instinctive worry when the closest relatives are siblings. But it's still not an unusual thing to be concerned about those we leave behind.

It's your life and your ending . Do what you feel necessary. I'm so sorry to hear this and I hope your passing is not painful x

Firstly, I wish you all the best during this time. There are no correct or incorrect decisions, just decisions.

I faced a somewhat similar situation not that long ago. I found out I needed urgent and emergency surgery. The surgery had 20% survival rate. Not having the surgery was 0% survival rate. My plan was not have the surgery, leave letters saying I needed to start over and would be back in contact when life felt more manageable (knowing life would never be manageable and my days were numbered in the weeks without the surgery), and just disappear. I was 39 years old with no real family, just a few friends who would maybe miss me (or that’s what it felt like). It seemed easiest and in some ways the kindest thing to do.

I then had a friend who asked me what was wrong. Everything came spilling out. They told me they supported whatever decision I made - surgery or not. They then said the only advice they would give me was to ask myself what I would advise the person I love the most in the world. That helped me make one of the hardest decisions ever. It helped me get a little peace. I am extremely lucky that my surgery was successful and I am recovering well. But the morning of the surgery I felt peace knowing I was treating myself as my most loved one.

So my advice, treat yourself as your most loved one.

mate you'll be gone - you dont have to worry about how others feel 😂

but honestly, my heart breaks for you & if your close to your siblings have a conversation with them not necessarily about your health but about plans in general, 'what would everyone want for themselves' sort of thing so they heard it from you that these are your wishes

deffo make a will & sort through/chuck out anything you dont want found or given away once your gone ❤ Sending my thoughts to you & your late husband.

Whatever feels right to you. And that might change later and that's fine too.

Don't be alone. Let your siblings comfort you and grieve for your passing. Hopefully you will enjoy more time spent with them, as any past differences are usually put aside when we know that someone has sad news which will prematurely end the family ties.
I send you warm good wishes and hope you find and receive comfort to carry you on your journey. 💐♥️

I've only read your posts, op, not all the replies you've had...

Firstly, I'm so sorry you've had such dreadful news.

Second, of course you can deal with this any way you want and no, you don't have to tell your family. You say you get on very well with them, though, which implies closeness and so you may want to consider the impact on them if you keep it from them the whole time.

Your needs come first, of course, but I'd give some thought to denying them the chance to say goodbye,that's all.

I totally get your desire to maintain dignity and control over your remaining time and that having to deal with the grief of loved ones may be too much. And that's fine, it just doesn't have to be an either /or.

Ultimately, you must do what is best for you and absolutely no judgement whatever that is. I think in your shoes I'd feel much the same, tbh. If you decide to keep it to yourself, it might be a nice idea to write a letter explaining what you've decided so they're not left with heavy unanswered questions.

I am so very sorry you've been given this diagnosis and wish you strength and peace on the time you have left x

You must do what you believe is best for you, op. I am a great one for wanting to cope alone if I become ill and make sure I have sufficient funds to be cared for at home, in private, if necessary but nobody really knows how they will feel unless it happens.

I hope your illness is not too painful and that you are still able to enjoy life. You sound like a very brave woman.

It's your call.
If it were my sibling and I found out after their death that they hadn't told me about their illness I'd be really upset about it.

Im so sorry this is happening to you, OP. live in a different country to my sibling, but I would certainly want to know if they were terminally ill and I would definitely be coming to visit and help out in whatever way I could.

I understand that a diagnosis like this can be really scary and shocking though, and I know of people who didn’t tell relatives and friends about things like this. Sometimes it was to do with the somewhat intimate location of the illness, sometimes to do with a kind of pride or not wanting people to look at them differently, or pity them, sometimes it was a kind of denial. Some were afraid of upsetting others and that seeing their pain would make everything harder. Some were afraid that others wouldn’t show as much emotion as they expected, and that it would be hurtful to see that they weren’t more upset.

I wonder whether it might be helpful to ask yourself very honestly why you feel that you don’t want to tell them and to explore the possibilities of each course of action.

OP: I too am sorry to hear that you have recieved a terminal diagnosis. You must, 100%, do what is best for you, but it will be a terrible shock for those who love you. They will have had no time to prepare for their loss of you. Their processing isn't of course your responsibility but it might be a kindness to leave some sort of letter.

YANBU, it is completely your decision. My dad did this. He passed away less than a week after being diagnosed with aggressive cancer 2 years ago. 💐

Do our obligations to consider the feelings of others suddenly cease when we know we are going to die?
If that's the case, then none of us ever have any obligation to anyone to do anything.

If you were my sibling I'd absolutely respect your right to do that, but I would love it if you left a note or letter explaining why. So I didn't think it was because you didn't trust me or something....

Make sure you have the right support for you. Everything else doesn’t matter.

I think so too. A little shocked by the response tbh.