Not to tell my family that I am terminally ill?

[FelicityFlops]

Just that, really. Not a big deal for me, but I am a childless widow, so the only other people are my siblings. There is more than enough cash in the bak to pay for a funeral with some left over. I would ensure that family jerellerey and other things have, are sorted out in a will.

"get on incredibly well with my siblings and other family members.
Sadly, I do not live very near any of them, so no chance of support or visits.
I am in Europe and they are in the prison that is the UK."

The UK is not a prison. We can visit Europe

Do whatever feels right for you.
But please get support from MacMillan or Marie Curie for yourself.

I am sorry that you are in this position.

All good wishes to you.

I think you do whatever brings you peace and comfort

Would you want your siblings to be notified of your death and have you made funeral arrangements?

That sounds a little as if you are considering "sparing them the trouble". I wouldn't not tell them for that reason. Travel is a pain at the moment but not impossible at all. I would think about what you would like from them in an ideal world: do you want to see them? Do you want to talk about the situation with them? I'd tell them in these cases. Or I might travel to see them. Think through different options.

It's entirely your decision there is no right or wrong way but make your wishes very clear. Eg do you want to be buried in uk or where you are etc Have you drawn up a will and they know where to find it so your wishes are respected particularly as you are in a different country.

It's all about kindness to yourself and also them.
They might want the opportunity to say goodbye To you.

Perhaps you could fly back for a weekend for a family meal so you have some happy times for you all to take away They don't need to know if you don't want them to

Just give them some nice hugs but most importantly be kind to yourself. Whatever feels right is right

Why do you say the UK is a prison?

Obviously you have to do what is right for you- but perhaps your siblings may want to spend some quality time with you?

Of course it’s your decision and you have to do what feels right. It may be very difficult for your family afterwards, a close relative of mine did not tell us he was ill and we only found out after he died. I was devastated and wished he had been able to tell me so I could’ve been there for him and spent more time together.

It depends what you want to leave behind you, really.

If I got on incredibly well with my siblings, alongside how I wanted my last years, months or weeks to be for me, I'd also want to consider what emotions I'd be leaving my loved ones to deal with.

I'm (as far as I know) fit and well. But I've already written a letter to my daughters for them to read when I'm gone.
In your situation, and knowing that in addition to grief, my siblings would be feeling confusion, hurt, deep sadness that they weren't able to support you, and possibly anger that you kept it from them, I'd be especially careful to leave them with some kind and explanatory words that might relieve just a little bit of the pain and confusion.

The OP owes nobody anything! Wow!

A friend of my MIL we called auntie did this. She was organised went into a nursing home at the end. I visited her. Although she couldn't speak she was lucid mentally. I knew it was nearing the end so moved a picture of her late son from the other end of the room next to her and spoke of him. She passed away that night. We were executors so sorted out that side of things for her.

I would suggest that you nominate executors.

I’m with you OP.
I would only want my close family (close family is subjective) to know if I was terminally ill. For various reasons, but more that I don’t want the ‘show’ that ultimately follows these types of announcements.
I actually don’t want a funeral. I’m thinking a vague Facebook post that states that I’ve passed and thank you for your thoughts.
But then again, I’m a cold bitch 🤷‍♀️

I am sorry to hear your news. I think it must still be very raw and you are very upset because I cannot fathom the cognitive dissonance of someone who gets on well with their family yet wouldn't share this news with them.

Why do you say the UK is a prison? We can spend three months of every six in Europe. Plenty of scope for visits and support.

Have you talked to anyone IRL about the situation OP?

So sorry to hear this, and ywnbu for doing whatever you feel you need to

On a practical note, given that you are in different countries, how often do you see each other? Are any visits due? Would they wonder why not happening?

They may be left confused as to why you would not tell them, so might be worth leaving them a letter explaining.
Personally I would be absolutely devastated if my sister did not tell me something like this so I could try to make the best of the time she had left - but I can't say, as I haven't walked in your shoes

Do you want to say goodbye?

For you, is there anything you want to do, place you want to go?
Do you know how long you have left and what you will have to go through?

Am not asking any of this to be nosy and you don't even have to answer! Just questions to ask yourself as you make decisions (& change your mind as often as you need to)

So sorry about your diagnosis OP. You should do whatever you feel is right for you, that is of course absolutely the most important thing. However I can offer a little perspective as my husband's family recently went through this, although of course every family is different. None of the family knew until the last few hours (when it was too late to call or do anything). It was the most terrible shock to the adult siblings, it made them question so much about how much they really knew their sister, and left them wondering if she know how much they really cared. There were so many things they never got to say. It left the family reeling and there were so many regrets. Please consider letting them know, or at least leaving them a letter explaining your decision and reassuring those who love you that is was best for you and why. That would have made do much difference to my husband's family.

I would find this incredibly say and hurtful if my sibling did this but I recognise your situation may be different.

It is absolutely your decision to make.
However, they may be quite hurt that you didn't tell them and give them time to prepare?
Sorry you are going through this OP.

Why do you say Britain is a prison?
I would maybe reconsider telling them so that you can appoint one as a power of attorney for you to make decisions on your behalf if you are no longer able too?
Sorry you are going through this op.

This.

Could you make a last visit to your siblings? You don't need to tell them why. I do think it's important if you get on well with them that you and your siblings get the chance to say goodbye, even if they don't know its goodbye

If you get in well with them then I think it would be a shame for them not to have the opportunity to visit and support you.

So sorry to hear that OP. Of course you should do what feels right for you. I'm a very private person and hate discussing anything health-related with my family or anyone, so I totally understand where you're coming from. But on the other hand, you say you are close to your siblings - and I'm sure if I was in your situation then my sisters at least would be devastated if I hadn't shared my diagnosis with them. Not through any 'right to know' but because they'd want to be there for me.

All families are different so only you know the best way forward. Maybe keep quiet now and share nearer the time? Sending lots of love and . xx

My Mil had terminal cancer. She told no one until she was hospitalised and fell into a coma. That's when her children found out. It broke their hearts and she died a few days later. They felt betrayed. No right or wrong answer I suppose but can be difficult on those left to grieve.

YANBU - it's entirely your choice.

However the UK is not a prison and travel to Europe is easy. Would they want to come and visit?