Not to tell my family that I am terminally ill?

[FelicityFlops]

Just that, really. Not a big deal for me, but I am a childless widow, so the only other people are my siblings. There is more than enough cash in the bak to pay for a funeral with some left over. I would ensure that family jerellerey and other things have, are sorted out in a will.

I'm really sorry to hear your news. It's entirely your choice but it would help them process your passing if they know about it beforehand. Xx

My only point would be that, whether you care or not, once you've gone, they are likely to wonder what they did wrong.

The act of not telling them is not neutral, it is still an active decision, and if you choose not to tell them, most people would think they had failed you.

Your dignity is important, but I wonder why you think that them knowing, and being sad/alarmed/ wanting to support you, is undignified?

Depending on how long you have to think about it, I wonder if there is room to tell them, but be very clear they should not try and"rescue" you, or come over as often as possible.

If you feel they can observe your own plan or rules, you may have a better few weeks, months, with opportunities to connect with them. That doesn't mean they need to be around for the end, or involved in your care.

You would not be unreasonable to keep it secret, if you truly think you would prefer it, but, given you've asked the question, I'd be interested to know what you think might happen if you let them in, and what you would have to deal with.

I'm very sorry, it's a hard situation.

I'm not going to vote, as - like most - it is your choice to make but I would be interested to hear how you've come to make this decision.

If you've not told anyone, how will people know what your wishes are regarding your funeral or whatever, or even where the will is that expresses your wishes.
What is it that makes you want them not to know, when you say you get on well and all like one another ?

It’s your decision, but I think it would be a shame for them not to know so they can offer you support and say proper goodbyes. You’ll be leaving them with a lot of sadness, guilt and mixed emotions afterwards.

I’m very sorry about your diagnosis; I hope you have friends and family around you.

Prison that is the UK? 🙄

they are in the prison that is the UK

?????

Dear friends mother did exactly that. It was incredibly hard when she passed, so many questions so much left unsaid - please don’t do that to those who love you.

Give them chance to prepare and talk.

Agree with others that if you don't tell, it can be really distressing to those you leave behind. Some reassurance in a note to say that you loved them and knew they loved you with your reasoning for not telling them is likely to help.

I'm not sure if you'll take this well, but I do think that a session of counselling, just about this issue, might help you find the right balance between preserving your privacy and dignity, and avoiding causing more hurt then necessary to those you leave behind.

I don't know what's available to you where you live, but when my late DH was terminal, he was offered counselling both by Macmillan and by the hospice that supported us to keep him at home.

Are you concerned at how they might treat you? Differently?

I'm sorry you have to face this

I’m sorry to hear that. If you don’t tell them won’t it be a terrible shock for them though when it happens?

I don’t understand the reference to the UK being a prison?

I am sorry that you are going through this.
I would make the same decision as you. Half my family I am very close to would be stressed and miserable and it would be awful for them, and for me, having been the cause of it.
Others would be unendurably overbearing.
I have always preferred to get on with illness and pain by myself. I would leave letters explaining my decision though.

Someone close to me did this and would say don’t do it if you have any care for them. It’s such a shock. As you’re not in the same country it’s not as if they can come round and give you concern you don’t want.

I do not live very near any of them, so no chance of support or visits.

You can still chat to them or message them @FelicityFlops . That can make a big difference.

Maybe they could somehow visit x

My dad did this. He did not even tell my mum. It was only after he died we found out he had cancer - a big tumour in his lung. We thought he had been admitted to hospital with breathing difficulties. My mum found out he had died on the bus to the hospital as she had no idea he was terminally ill.

We had to deal with this after. None of us said a proper good bye; but then that is maybe what he wanted… no fuss, no goodbyes. We all knew we were loved and it would break our hearts to lose him.

I think similarly to the above.

Only you know the reason you are reluctant/unwilling to tell them. It could be they won't make it any easier or could even make it harder, or it could be that you wish to live out the remainder of your days without having to rake over the past or have conversations you'd rather not have.

One of my family members did not tell anyone he was dying. We were not a close family and he lived in a different country. He was unmarried, without children. We were informed when a member of the clergy arrived at the door. I'm not sure how he found out but presumably some arrangement was in place for him to be contacted when the death had occurred. I don't think our family thought it was unusual not to have been told beforehand. As I said, we were not close. It didn't make the funeral easier or more difficult. It was sad to think he died on his own but in reality if we had known beforehand, I'm not sure anyone would have flown to see him. Perhaps a phonecall would have been made but maybe not.

Families are complicated. Only you know the answer but I suspect you are alone and feeling alone if you have posted on a forum about it.

If you don't want to tell them because you think that will be easier for you then that's your choice, but I don't think this is a good approach if you are thinking it will protect them, think the shock and hurt when they do find out will be worse.

Much love to you.

I'd want to know if I was your family, so I could let you know how much I loved you and try to support you in any way you'd allow me. We are all unfortunately busy and wrapped up in our own lives, news like this brings fresh perspective. Life is hard, wishing you all the best xx

I'm sorry and you must do what you feel is best for you.

I (single) get on incredibly well with my (one) sibling and my (remaining) parent. I also have a potentially terminal diagnosis (ovarian cancer, currently in remission, so nowhere near as urgent as yours, @FelicityFlops ).

I would definitely tell my sibling, who has family around to support and who would be very hurt if not able to at least offer to help (and genuinely would help). I really don't know about elderly parent, but if it ended up in a race as to who would attend whose funeral, I know it would be extremely hurtful to them not to have known. As I don't have any pressing historical reasons (cruelty, distance, etc) not to tell, I would tell them if it looked seriously like they would outlive me.

(pressed send too soon)

Your decision is 100% your own, and the only important thing is that you are comfortable with it. For some people that involves other people, and for others it doesn't. Both are OK.

So so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, god love you. Please please tell anyone who you think might be the slighest support to you xx

We are all unfortunately busy and wrapped up in our own lives, news like this brings fresh perspective.

This is so true. You might want to consider giving your family the opportunity to visit, it might make it easier for them later knowing they had had time with you. It might bring some comfort to you too.

That said, It's absolutely your choice to make.

💐