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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell my family that I am terminally ill?

123 replies

FelicityFlops · 12/04/2023 21:26

Just that, really. Not a big deal for me, but I am a childless widow, so the only other people are my siblings. There is more than enough cash in the bak to pay for a funeral with some left over. I would ensure that family jerellerey and other things have, are sorted out in a will.

OP posts:
StopFeckingFaffing · 12/04/2023 21:56

Have you got friends who can provide a listening ear and any practical support you may need when your health deteriorates?

It is entirely up to you whether you wish to let your siblings know and I can understand why you might not want to if you are not particularly close

Just do what feels right and you can always let them know further down the line if your feelings change

Oftenaddled · 12/04/2023 21:56

I'd do what I preferred. Any of us could be run over by a bus tomorrow. Then family would have no warning. You could wait and tell them later. You could leave a letter or letters explaining your decision. I have always vaguely thought I might prefer to deal with something like this on my own, but so much depends on practical needs. Take it slowly, talk to professionals if it helps, and don't feel guilty whatever you decide. Good luck to you.

Mummapenguin20 · 12/04/2023 21:57

Do what is right for you

Escapetofrance · 12/04/2023 21:57

I’m so sorry that you are unwell. Do what is right for you. Know that you can always change your mind if you choose not to tell your family now.
I do hope that there are people who are caring for you.

Georgie8 · 12/04/2023 22:00

You ask about siblings and, I feel, many take this to assume “everyone” in your life.
If you’re not close to your siblings but have a lot of close friends then, perhaps, you’d like to tell close friends and not siblings.
In the end, it’s up to you.
However, having watched five people go through this in the last 18 months, I think they’d all wish they’d shared with everyone close sooner rather than later.

PersonaNonGarter · 12/04/2023 22:00

YANBU - your news, to share as you see fit.

Maybe give them some of your time if you can though. You don’t always know exactly what other people are going through, or even how much we mean to each other. Let them have fun with you.

Sending all the good vibes to you x

Awrite · 12/04/2023 22:01

My brother never told us he was terminal. We knew though. Well, I did.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 12/04/2023 22:02

If you were my sibling I would like to know. Knowing there is not much time left changes perspective a lot, things that appeared to be important or serious no longer are, things that are menial become important and valuable.

Having said that, you are the only one who knows what the circumstances are so you need to do what works better for you, but if you want to keep quiet about your illness to save them the suffering, please don’t, they may cherish this time to make the best of the time you have left.

CuteCillian · 12/04/2023 22:02

A good friend of mine died in January. He had known he had an incurable cancer and chose not to tell anyone, including his DW, who, despite being together for 19 years, he only married in September. Now, of course, we all know why he suggested they got married as previously they both agreed they didn't need a piece of paper to confirm how committed they were.
There were no DC involved. Obviously his widow is his next of kin.
It was a huge shock, he was only hospitalised for 6 days, but everyone agrees he had a free will to do what he wanted and would have hated any fuss had we known he was ill.
You must do what you feel is right for you. Flowers

romdowa · 12/04/2023 22:02

Yanbu .... you do what ever you feel is best.

Kaibashira · 12/04/2023 22:03

I think do what you want to do.
But leave yourself the option to change your mind.
Who knows how you will feel later on in your journey?
Wishing you all good wishes.

JudgeRudy · 12/04/2023 22:03

StaceySolomonSwash · 12/04/2023 21:29

I'm sorry to hear your news. Do you think your siblings would rather find out once you've gone or would they prefer to support you and say their goodbyes?

If I knew i had limited time left I would want to spend my last days living for me, not other people

OldFan · 12/04/2023 22:06

Unless you're no contact/have a poor relationship with them @FelicityFlops then I think YABU.

I mean because you are worthy of support and if they're ok people they'll want to support you in whatever ways they can.

AnotherDayAnotherView · 12/04/2023 22:07

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afairoutcome · 12/04/2023 22:09

I am sorry about your diagnosis, @FelicityFlops.

If I were to receive a similar diagnosis, I wouldn't tell my siblings, either (although I like them all). Or my friends. I would prefer to get on with it, and would make sure that any loose ends were tied up so I didn't leave any problems.

You are the one facing this, and you are the one who knows what works best for you. Flowers

Dinopawus · 12/04/2023 22:10

I'm so sorry Flowers and of course it is completely and utterly up to you how you handle this.

What I would suggest is that you perhaps talk through how you think things will pan out with someone - McMillan and Marie Curie are good as are other charities, or perhaps you have friends to talk to.

People often think they want to close out their lives in a particular way and often stick to their plan, but it's OK too for plans to change. It's hard to plan for the unpredictable, so focus on what matters but be flexible enough to adapt your plans if you need to to stay comfortable.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 12/04/2023 22:13

Sorry to read this. Your decision, but if you speak to your family, they may be able to help and support you and they may have things they want/need to share with you and vice versa.

Sugargliderwombat · 12/04/2023 22:13

You can so whatever you want - you could always write them a letter and leave jt with your solicitor ?

Stopsnowing · 12/04/2023 22:15

Up to you if you tell them or not. But the shock may compound their grief. It might be an idea to prepay your funeral and leave your wishes with someone you trust.

weirdoboelady · 12/04/2023 22:16

Absolutely your choice, and YANBU. If you are close to your sibs, though, or at least not estranged from them, you might think about how to make things easier for them when they realise what you went through alone. It might be kind to leave them a letter explaining why you chose not to tell them about your diagnosis, and letting them know any wishes you have for how you would like to be remembered. A very few lines would make a tremendous difference if I were the one left behind.

Slimjimtobe · 12/04/2023 22:17

Sorry you are going through this. I strongly feel you should do what feels right for yourself as long as you have what’s in place care wise but I’m sure you do as you seem very strong.

I hope you have some support in terms of someone to offload to

Original poster
FelicityFlops · 12/04/2023 22:17

I get on incredibly well with my siblings and other family members.
Sadly, I do not live very near any of them, so no chance of support or visits.
I am in Europe and they are in the prison that is the UK.

OP posts:
Bluebells1970 · 12/04/2023 22:18

Absolutely your decision to make.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and hope you have good care support.

Original poster
FelicityFlops · 12/04/2023 22:20

@Slimjimtobe
Why would I need to "offload"?
Nobody can help me or restore me.
I would prefer to retain my dignity, or is that a concept you do not understand?

OP posts:
ClaudiaCustard · 12/04/2023 22:21

I think @Slimjimtobe was making a very kind comment to you