To be annoyed that private school parents are demonised?

[Imsorryyoufeelthatway]

Starting this threat to vent and as an antidote to the Closing all private schools would benefit state schools thread. In short, I'm a bit fed up with private school parents being bashed for buying a better education for their children, while parents who 'don't believe in private education' and spend a fortune on homes/second homes/rental properties in catchment areas for 'good' state schools then another fortune on tutors seem to get off scot free.

I'm also fed up with private school parents all being lumped in the same category. We're not all selfish, mega-wealthy, Bullingdon Club (or female equivalent, if there was one...) alumni; many of us are ordinary people (I'm a working class lass from a council estate whose parents worked as cleaners and in warehouses) who've worked bloody hard to be able to afford a better start in life for our children than we had. We were the first people in our families to go to university (on full grants, when they existed), the first to have careers not just jobs, and the first to own our own homes. No-one has ever handed us a penny – my DH got the train to university with £4.50 in his pocket and had to get a job straight away to buy food. No bank account, no trust fund, no-one paying his rent. We've managed to achieve social mobility against the odds, yet we're not allowed to celebrate this because we've chosen to invest in our children's future rather than over-priced property in 'good' state school catchment areas.

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same. We think that all children should have access to high quality education in safe, inspirational environments where they can achieve their potential, not just ours. But most state schools in the UK just cannot meet this requirement. We also know that if catchment areas for state schools were mixed-up, and the schools in deprived areas had an influx of children from more affluent areas and vice versa, then this would likely make things more equal over time. But our children are not part of a social experiment. In short, if those of us who had difficult starts in life and went to terrible schools choose to work our arses off so our children don't have to, can't we be given some credit?

So please, the next time you're tempted to lump a private school parents into the same category and give them a bashing, take a moment to consider their reasons and background. Rant over.

Well obviously this isn't possible but that isn't an argument to do nothing about the lack of fairness.

You say you've never been handed anything on a plate - other than you and your other half receiving full grants to go to university.

I think it is more ethical to pay to send your kids to private school than to go to church to enable them to go to a faith school.

I resent every penny of public money that goes to funding these institutions. Most of our local state primary schools are either Roman Catholic or Church of England. There is no way we would want our kids to attend these places and be brainwashed by the absolute fucking crap they spout.

ME too on the church schools- how anyone that bangs on about ethics can use them is beyond me.

@AutomaticRepliesTurnedOff I think many do have the same feelings regarding health care. This is possibly why the government hasn't quite yet managed to totally privatise the health system in the UK yet...

Any thread on teaching strikes would make me want to choose private if I could and had young kids. The reports of dwindling resources and poor behaviour are so alien to anything my kids have experienced. It’s a depressing read and a rubbish situation for the education in our country.

On strike threads, it’s all about the leaking roofs, teachers buying glue sticks, staff being assaulted, insufficient supply teachers, a system not for for purpose. But on private school threads, the state is a great default, offering a well-rounded education and preparing bright kids for the real world and should be the first choice for all. An interesting contradiction.

I think it’s a bit unfair to say that my dad was a hypocrite for eventually choosing to send me to a private school. It was more that he was anti private school but changed his mind when the state school I went to was dire and I was desperately unhappy there. He didn’t continue to think that no one else should send their children to private school. I’m not sure many parents would continue sending their child to a school which was making them mentally ill when they had another option just to make a political point. I’m not saying that all state schools are dire - but my experience was dire due to bullying and behaviour issues and violence at the school which the school didn’t do much to address. If my parents had had the option to move me to another state school they probably would have done that but that wasn’t an option (as is often the case).

And I actually wrote to the private school in question myself and asked for a scholarship so my parents’ hand was somewhat forced. If they had said no to me taking up a place they would have basically have been telling me that they thought I should endure years of bullying etc. in order that other people’s children weren’t potentially disadvantaged by me going to a private school.

I was lucky to have the opportunity of getting out of a system which really wasn’t working for me. I recognise that not everyone does.

I think the private sector provides a useful role as being an alternative for some children who are really struggling in the state sector for whatever reason.

Yep, that's what the op said.

Along with acknowledging how much of a leg up private school is and how much easier it is.

@thing47

I'm a primary school teacher and really appreciated your comments. I'm lucky to work with amazing colleagues too.

Thank you for this!! My daughter starts private school next week after a horrendous 3 years in infants at the local school and I’ve been feeling quite attacked for it. You’re quite right I don’t need to justify it and I won’t worry about other people’s opinions

Quite. As a teacher in a state college this is one of the depressing things I find here too. I would guess that the vast majority who support private schools have children in private schools so they have an interest in telling everyone that it is fair and it is all about choice and the state sector is fine etc etc etc.

As I said previously I have no issue with parents making this 'choice' but to pretend the state system is ok.. is not ok. I am not demonising these parents but the system it stinks

@Glo1988 good luck to your daughter. You've done your best for her and that's all that matters.

So many accurately pointing out that private school doesn’t always equal better education. There are some crap privates out there and some great states. I’m wondering where the inequality comes into it in that respect. Parents can spend money how they choose on their children - education aside, if they’re paying for broader extracurriculars / opportunities outside the classroom, that’s their prerogative.

And what about the inequality in almost every other aspect of our lives we face? For example, intellectual capability? Even if someone has the ability to choose any career they wish, people base those life choices on so many different (and personal) factors. Some people are more attracted to lucrative industries. Should those people also be demonised for making certain choices to work towards securing a high salary role? Let’s not make everything a race to the bottom.

Some of the worst outcomes are for children in the care system who are extremely disadvantaged compared to those raised by their parents.

Since the state is so terrible at raising children perhaps we should remove all children from their parents at birth and put them in care, thus ensuring absolute equality.

What an utterly repugnant thing to say. There is a lot more to it than your reductive and ignorant statement suggests.

It seems you're particularly ignorant about how care works. Children who end up in care overwhelmingly report that they are happier than they were in the dreadful situations that led them there. The bad outcomes for them are established in the households from which they come. Of course the entitled elites who pay to have boarding schools care for their abandoned children are famously well-adjusted types.

I send my DD to private school. I’m extremely lucky to be able to (just about) afford it. I do so because the state schools in our LA are not good and my DD has particular mental health vulnerabilities which made her struggle in primary school.

I don’t beat myself up about it but neither do I feel great about it if I’m honest. I do think selective education perpetuates inequality. This makes me a hypocrite, I cheerfully admit, but for me the imperative is worth the guilt and I am not prepared to sacrifice my child to an ideological ideal when I have the means to avoid doing so. I imagine many parents who have made this choice feel as I do.

But if people judge me and think worse of me for doing this I honestly don’t blame them and I am prepared to take this on the chin. It’s just something I have to live with and I don’t seek to jump through hoops to justify my decision.

Our backgrounds sound similar and we could afford to send our kids private but don't. I don't know why you can't see that most parents that opt for private schools are not from the same background, most private school is paid for my grandparents or because parents have benefited from other passed down wealth i.e inheritance, lower mortgage etc. I don't have a problem with parents who chose private school, but they're not doing anyone a favour so don't know why they want people to say so.

We are surrounded by private schools in our area and we have not once been allowed to use any of their pools. Private schools take the piss in pretending to be charities . No one is fooled by this. Nice try though ….

They are not all charities

@Hobbi
I have personal and professional experience of the care system. I'd stand my the statement that the state fails children in the system and that that is part of the reason for the poor outcomes for those children (though of course better that the children currently in the system are there than with their parents in most cases). I don't think that's even controversial - the reason care is a last resort after leaving a child with less than ideal parents or adoption is that being in care is recognised as being so damaging for the child in itself.

I was just making the point that if the state is not doing very well at something maybe we shouldn't be pushing for it to do more of it.

I also have professional experience in this area. Strangely I manage not to disparage the work done there and the children involved.

I’m not a private school parent. But I did pay a lot of money for a house in the catchment of an outstanding state school. That seems equally unfair to me - more unfair actually.

Is private healthcare just as frowned upon as private school?

For most people, it's jealousy. My DC go to state schools, and I admit I am jealous. I can't afford private, and as a doctor will likely never be able to afford it, without a career change.

If state schools were well resourced it would negate the need for private school. Currently however, my kids have missed out on a huge chunk of their schooling this year due to strikes. The school is having to make redundancies due to funding cuts, meaning the curriculum is being cut. Class sizes are often over 30, and the building is in a poor state of repair. Finally, the provision for SEND is pretty much non -existent. I can understand why people pay for private if they can afford it.