To be annoyed that private school parents are demonised?

[Imsorryyoufeelthatway]

Starting this threat to vent and as an antidote to the Closing all private schools would benefit state schools thread. In short, I'm a bit fed up with private school parents being bashed for buying a better education for their children, while parents who 'don't believe in private education' and spend a fortune on homes/second homes/rental properties in catchment areas for 'good' state schools then another fortune on tutors seem to get off scot free.

I'm also fed up with private school parents all being lumped in the same category. We're not all selfish, mega-wealthy, Bullingdon Club (or female equivalent, if there was one...) alumni; many of us are ordinary people (I'm a working class lass from a council estate whose parents worked as cleaners and in warehouses) who've worked bloody hard to be able to afford a better start in life for our children than we had. We were the first people in our families to go to university (on full grants, when they existed), the first to have careers not just jobs, and the first to own our own homes. No-one has ever handed us a penny – my DH got the train to university with £4.50 in his pocket and had to get a job straight away to buy food. No bank account, no trust fund, no-one paying his rent. We've managed to achieve social mobility against the odds, yet we're not allowed to celebrate this because we've chosen to invest in our children's future rather than over-priced property in 'good' state school catchment areas.

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same. We think that all children should have access to high quality education in safe, inspirational environments where they can achieve their potential, not just ours. But most state schools in the UK just cannot meet this requirement. We also know that if catchment areas for state schools were mixed-up, and the schools in deprived areas had an influx of children from more affluent areas and vice versa, then this would likely make things more equal over time. But our children are not part of a social experiment. In short, if those of us who had difficult starts in life and went to terrible schools choose to work our arses off so our children don't have to, can't we be given some credit?

So please, the next time you're tempted to lump a private school parents into the same category and give them a bashing, take a moment to consider their reasons and background. Rant over.

Yes but you can feed into the injustice and still realise it unfair and want to change it. I live in the SW London and I am very aware how much better many things like the transport system is in London.. you could argue by using the tube I am feeding into the injustice felt by Northerns who have expensive poor transport by comparison. I honestly don't demonised parents who make the choice to send their children private but the system is unfair and there is no denying that.

Private schools might be good for your kids but they are bad for society

Really ?

Oh and the school I went to was truly horrific. We regularly had students bringing in knives, drug problems were rife, teachers being assaulted was commonplace and teen pregnancies were par for the course. Not all state schools are equal.

I think you'll find that the many states schools like the above ( and yes, there are many like it ) are far more of a danger to society that the high level of education and discipline offered in the Independent sector.

Two friends of my sons lost both parents in a road accident.
Both boys were at private school.
Both boys were given scholarships to the end of their Alevels.

They were supported by the school. They were also allowed to board which they hadn’t been before.

A lot of schools will support unforeseen circumstances.

So true. 😂

Perfect. It's great that the school did that. I'm sorry about your son's friends.

It probably demonstrates a good reason to have life insurance as well.

I wouldn't demonise anyone for doing what they think is best for their dc. Most of us probably do that to the best of our ability. And yes, it sucks that some people can afford choices and others can't, but that isn't the fault of individual parents.

I do think in the vast majority of cases that you're wasting your money on private schools fees, but that's entirely your prerogative.

And I would like to see VAT added to private school fees, with the exception of schools that cater exclusively for the needs of children with SEN.

*Best not to make that decision in the first place then unless one is confident they will be able to see it through to the end.

@Jonei*

Do you think the same of people with kids who fall on hard times and claim benefits?

My apologies if I am misunderstanding.
I « fully agree » with the OP that private school and parents choosing to send their children there should not be demonized.
The state schools are failing our children, dire t your anger at them, not at the private schools!

OP to need to stop caring about what other people think. You've made decisions about how to spend your income in ways you feel best benefit your children (as most people do whether that means private education or other stuff). So just do it. What other people think and say about it is just noise.

I used to care more about this sort of stuff but I've come to realise there will always be inequality and what can you do? Rail against an imperfect world where nothing much changes, or use your resources to do the best you can for your own children. My daughter is currently state educated but 11+ tutored and if she doesn't get into the local grammar then we will look at private. (For the record eldest was SEN and wholly state educated because that option was best supported for him.) I don't think it's fair that she'll get a better education than some other children but if I don't send her, those children won't be any better off. Similarly we live in a house bigger than we "need". We could have stayed crammed into our 3 bed terrace with one bathroom but we wanted more space and could afford it so we moved.

I know we're lucky and I appreciate it but I'm not going to deprive my family of "luck" because others have less.

People might well demonise me in their view but so what.

I want better state schools. I am however not happy to continue sending my DC in a school that is not meeting their needs when there is an alternative just because not everybody can have this alternative. Would you?
Do you genuinely think that people should sacrifice their DC’s education in the hope that it will make things change for future generations?

What a post OP.

Surely you spend a little too much time overthinking all of this?

Here is why self sufficiency comes top above any muting you may buy your kids:
Wealth only lasts about 2-3 generations before the 3rd generation loses the plot. There because it came too easy and they were not hungry enough to preserve or get it themselves.

When you consider the importance of having your kids around certain self selecting groups remember that preserving and being hungry is actually of greater importance to your children’s success.

I think for those with SEN who don’t get help in classes or statements (so moderate/mild SEN) then the other solution is small classes.

So at a state school my son would have had zero help. If they had more provision to recognise dyslexia and gave him more support he wouldn’t need the smaller classes. For what it’s worth the private school doesn’t give him any help either! So it’s purely down to class size - he gets slightly more attention/help.

You are being unreasonable in saying you “worked bloody hard” for your money. A lot of people work hard for their money and can’t afford to send their kids to private schools!

Can I just clarify that I started that thread in response to the constant moaning and bewailing on MN from private school parents who do not want to pay VAT on their bills and seem to think they are somehow selflessly sacrificing themselves to save the state education system, and without the terrible burden that they have chosen the shoulder to protect it, the sated education system would disintegrate.

I am not advocating closing all private schools, I am simply pointing out there would be huge advantages to the state system if it happened.

Out of interest, what about if that wasn’t the case? If you weren’t privileged enough to have a good state school available to you, would you go private? Or use the money to move house instead? I ask genuinely because I think it’s easy to choose something that aligns with your principles if it doesn’t mean sending your child somewhere they are more likely to get stabbed than pass any GCSEs.

Can anyone on here honestly say hand on heart that they sent their child to an inadequate rated school with poor results, when they could have afforded private? Because anyone I’ve ever come across in that situation has used their money to move to access a better state school which is basically the same as sending that money directly to a private school. I struggle to believe that there is anyone out there whose principles have been strong enough for them to choose an awful state school when they had other options. It’s just that people feel better about using their money indirectly via a house move as they can still tell themselves they’re acting within their principles and not perpetuating inequality.

The only thing that will level up a schools is when little lord farquois is going to the same school as the council estate kids, and that won’t happen whether you outlaw private schools or not.

I’m as sick of the private school parent bashing as I am of the “people who earn X shouldn’t complain because I earn Y and would be so grateful if I earned X” posts. I’m even less tolerant of it when it comes from Tory voters who were more concerned about brexit than the state of our schools.

I don’t demonise parents who do it, but I do raise my eyebrows when they (you) say things like “buying a better education”. I went to a state school and went to Cambridge. With no extra tuition nor additional help. I also have a few friends from private schools who did crap in exams and now have equally crap jobs (but posh networks, tbf).

Point being, don’t assume you’ve paid for something better, and that the “free” kids come from parents who’ve decided on something worse. It’s equally judgemental, and a bit naive.

I stopped reading as soon as you said you are buying your kids a better education 🙄 who on earth do you think you are? The state education my kids get at secondary is of the best schools in the areas, outperforming the private options. My kids are happy, well grounded and are predicted 7-9 in GCSEs. They run lots of after school clubs in everything from sports to music. Buying your kids a better education, get over yourself.

🎻

Should also add that many people buy a selective education for their kids by paying the premium to live in the catchment area of a good school. A private education costs about £250k which is less than the premium to live in the best school catchment areas where I am.

RJ57
(Keir Starmer's parents got him into private school through a bursary)

Reigate School was a Grammar School when KS got there ie he took the 11+. He didn't go with a bursary. His Mum was a nurse. His Dad was a tool maker in a factory. It went independent when he was 14 and existing pupils like him were allowed to continue until 18 (under the previous regime as it were.)

Did the OP ever come back?

Probably best to have that cash up front and earmarked for private school then.

Or make sure you have specialist school insurance in place to ensure school fees are covered when falling on hard times and switching to claiming benefits.

my DH got the train to university with £4.50 in his pocket

I can't be arsed to read this boring, goady thread. Did anyone ask the OP how she knows exactly how much money her 'DH' had in his pocket when he went to university?!

No sympathy from me! You've posted this at the absolute worst time for most people! Oh poor wealthy private school parents who don't even have to look at their energy bills, oh poor them 🎻