To be annoyed that private school parents are demonised?

[Imsorryyoufeelthatway]

Starting this threat to vent and as an antidote to the Closing all private schools would benefit state schools thread. In short, I'm a bit fed up with private school parents being bashed for buying a better education for their children, while parents who 'don't believe in private education' and spend a fortune on homes/second homes/rental properties in catchment areas for 'good' state schools then another fortune on tutors seem to get off scot free.

I'm also fed up with private school parents all being lumped in the same category. We're not all selfish, mega-wealthy, Bullingdon Club (or female equivalent, if there was one...) alumni; many of us are ordinary people (I'm a working class lass from a council estate whose parents worked as cleaners and in warehouses) who've worked bloody hard to be able to afford a better start in life for our children than we had. We were the first people in our families to go to university (on full grants, when they existed), the first to have careers not just jobs, and the first to own our own homes. No-one has ever handed us a penny – my DH got the train to university with £4.50 in his pocket and had to get a job straight away to buy food. No bank account, no trust fund, no-one paying his rent. We've managed to achieve social mobility against the odds, yet we're not allowed to celebrate this because we've chosen to invest in our children's future rather than over-priced property in 'good' state school catchment areas.

Yes, we all know that private schools are a major cause of inequality. Parents like us have literally lived and breathed that inequality our whole lives and we'd do anything to prevent our children having to do the same. We think that all children should have access to high quality education in safe, inspirational environments where they can achieve their potential, not just ours. But most state schools in the UK just cannot meet this requirement. We also know that if catchment areas for state schools were mixed-up, and the schools in deprived areas had an influx of children from more affluent areas and vice versa, then this would likely make things more equal over time. But our children are not part of a social experiment. In short, if those of us who had difficult starts in life and went to terrible schools choose to work our arses off so our children don't have to, can't we be given some credit?

So please, the next time you're tempted to lump a private school parents into the same category and give them a bashing, take a moment to consider their reasons and background. Rant over.

The problem comes because only if James' parents have the resources, does he get help. The fact of people buying the help makes them less likely to pressure the government to provide that help for all children. It's not simple; I'd get help for James if I were his mother, but it does feed into an unhelpful situation.

You actually said I may have made a “bad choice”! As it happens I made excellent choices with the tools I was provided - council estate kid, grew up in neglect - not that I want applause or whatever. I am just aware that for some folk, private school is out of reach because they can’t make good choices (for whatever the reason may be).

My kids went to private school because I was badly bullied in my large comprehensive. I knew the local private school had a great reputation for pastoral care and luckily it was affordable (their father (ex) paid the fees). It was a no-brainer for me. It had nothing to do with networking or extra curricular or any of those type of things. It was all down to my own school trauma.

In some ways I agree with the OP. Criticise the system not those who use it. And I accept that the wife beater's son who went to Eton and treats women like dirt, should not tar all private schools or children who went to one.

It’s Mumsnet! In real life I don’t know anyone who can make 47 meals out of one chicken, or who resents other parents for using private school, or who screeches “read the room” if someone else mentions buying a house/car/handbag/holiday/anything more than £6, but all that is a regular occurrence on here. Don’t let it bother you.

@Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase it’s nonsense

and as I say many parents have smaller houses, don’t fly abroad but then send their kids to a prep

My 2DC will be attending private schools when they are of age.

My parents had money. I went to a secondary school with people who carried knives. It wasn't 'cool' to do well and the disruption to learning in general was outrageous.

And yet my siblings want their children to go to the same primary and secondary schools. Because they know them.

Utterly blows my mind. I'd take up an evening job if I had to, to ensure my children didn't have such a shit education. I want them to do much better than me and DH.

Perhaps my heads been in the sand re bashing parents of private school children on mumsnet.

What would they do if the tables were turned and we jumped on them for not trying hard enough?

Perhaps reply to this comment to tell me how terrible I am to cover their own inadequacies 🤭

Apologies … “wrong choice”.

So you lived through inequality and now you’re just going to perpetuate that? No, doesn’t cut it with me. I was also from a council estate as was my husband and we’ve done very for ourselves. Still goes against our values to put our kids into a fee paying school. No thanks.

We collectively need to pressure our politicians to get their act together and sort this out. I am very worried for the future of this country and all our DCs.

Because politicians made such a good job of education when they scrapped the Grammar schools for the majority of the country. They were too successful for the Left so had to go, no-one suggested that maybe if the other two branches of the tripartite system were improved, the Secondary Modern schools stopped trying to ape the Grammar schools and the Technical Colleges were given a chance, so now we mostly have a 'comprehensive', ie one size fits all system which is failing.

The anonymity of the internet has allowed people to be their real self. Now you know what people really think behind their masks. There's a lot of very bitter people on here and want to pull down anyone else who happens to have some comfort.

I've never heard or seen 'read the room' anywhere but on MN!

Or... they call whatever you say as boastful.

This has to be my favourite comment on here - I'm laughing hysterically. Thanks made my afternoon.

This.

Yet again another thread is degenerated into slagging people off. I'm not seeing any advocates of private schools doing so, but I am seeing a lot of those against them making personal attacks on people who are.

I was badly bullied at a state grammar school when I was younger and I'd do anything to avoid my kids going through that.

Anyway, I'm done with this thread (second one today). Time to do some work.

But a lot of parents don’t have that wriggle room in their finances no matter how much they cut back and regardless as to how hard they work or how many hours they put in. So it isn’t fair. So what what you are saying is nonsense.

@Boringcookingquestion so your DH needed to fight against the odds for his success

its a personal choice isn’t it - I would rather my kids had it easier than I did. Rather than them needing to fight the same difficult odds

obviously you feel differently - which is fine. It’s just about priorities and different POVs - hence no reason for this judgement or demonisation

I am someone strongly against private schools and I don't think I have done that once. Well certainly not intentionally

Again, I don’t think it’s the issue with private schools per se - just the superior attitude of “we made better choices than x”. That may be well and true in some circles but discounts the families who also want what is best for the children but can not make “sacrifices” such as live in a 500k house compared to a 900k (mentioned upthread) and forgo holidays.

its the attitude posters are taking umbrage with.

Why do you feel like you're being demonised OP? What has actually happened to you/been said to you, to make you feel like you're being treated unfairly, just for sending your kids to private school? Other than on this thread of course. You must have felt demonised before today, or you wouldn't have started the thread.

Life isn’t fair though

as I say - many people send their kids to private but compromise in lots of other ways

on mumsnet there are threads galore about doing house refurbs, taking lush holidays, buying expensive handbags. There’s no anger at those posters..

I would never buy an expensive handbag or take an expensive holiday if it means I can’t pay for my kids school. That’s my priority. Doesn’t mean I’m any worse or better than others

different strokes different folks.

im not wanting to get taxed twice for state education though!

A lot of the kids are in smaller private schools because they can’t cope with large mainstream schools. I don’t know what we’d have done without them.

I get frustrated at the snarky comments make to me about sending my daughter to a private school. She is autistic and has many struggles but is academically bright. There’s a private school near us that is very small and nurturing, and she’s absolutely thriving there - for us it’s not about buying an advantage, but about trying to give her a chance to succeed in her own way and to protect her mental health. I realise we’re very lucky to have that choice - but we’ve made it happen by living in a small, modest house, working hard to pay off the mortgage, and saving like crazy. Me and my partner are in average jobs, we are not rich. We haven’t been abroad for many years, and summer holidays are camping. We have a cheap car. A mum from my daughter’s primary class had a bit of a rant about ‘it’s alright for some, I wish we could afford private school’ - but the year before they’d bought a huge house worth four times ours, had loads of work done on it, have two expensive cars and a couple of foreign holidays every year. We are lucky but no more than most, we’re just prioritising what we spend on differently. I wish there were state options that would work for my daughter, but near here there really aren’t and I thank my lucky stars we can send her to the school she goes to.

on mumsnet there are threads galore about doing house refurbs, taking lush holidays, buying expensive handbags. There’s no anger at those posters..

Not true at all! Some posters absolutely lose their minds when they stumble across a thread on Style & Beauty about designer handbags.

If sending ones own child to a state school would actually fight inequality, and the child would not suffer thereby (and certainly a lot of bright, capable and neurotypical kids without any additional difficulties would not suffer thereby) then sure, that's the right thing to do.

But if the child would suffer - because due to their particular circumstances they wouldn't thrive in the state sector - and the inequality would be perpetuated anyway because the private sector still exists, then any parent who had access to the means would do whatever they can to prevent that suffering. The only way you stop that is by making sure that no parents have access to the means (by having a blood-filled revolution and exterminating the rich, probably), combined with draconian policies to force all children into a state school place with no choice for home schooling or any other individual arrangements, one-size-fits-all only. And the children suffer.

Freedom of choice is always going to include the freedom to seek a better deal than the cards life initially hands you. Economic freedom means that there will always be richer people and poorer. Some of the richer people will always want to spend their additional money on a better educational outcome for their children. Stopping that from happening at all will only be possible if you remove a hell of a lot of freedom. I don't want to live in that world.