Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Terrible 2s - is this normal?!

130 replies

notanotherdayofthisshit · 12/04/2023 09:03

My DD turns 2 next week. I am honestly pulling my hair out with the tantrums. How normal is this? Here are some examples:

  • trying to dress her is generally a physical struggle - I have to restrain her so I can change a nappy / get her dressed. She just screams.
  • shower / bath time - she used to love these. Now it's just another thing that triggers screaming. Again, undressing her for the bath / shower is what sets off the screaming.
  • taking her away from anything she is doing if it's time to leave - eg. Taking her away from the tv for a bath or or to leave the house etc. not always but often this results in screaming.
  • if I won't give in to her demands for "jelly" for her breakfast

The list goes on...... are these repeated tantrums normal? I have an older child (in their teens) and I honestly do not recall things being this bad.

Please tell me whether my child is normal or not? 😩

OP posts:
thebaneofmylifeisacat · 12/04/2023 23:31

She's not unhappy op she's perfectly normal :)

shadowchancesassy · 12/04/2023 23:35

If you think 2s hard you ain't seen nothing yet!

Wait til you hit 3 Confused my sister in that hell atm and is struggling hard.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 12/04/2023 23:37

And what sunnySaturdayMorning says

Remember you are in control op you are the adult. Kids do like adults to be in charge it makes them feel secure

Milkand2sugarsplease · 12/04/2023 23:59

I'm with you. Getting dressed/undressed and changing nappies are guaranteed to cause rage in DS. He bloody hates it, and always has. I had hoped he'd improve as he grew and understood the process a bit more but, alas, nearly 2 and he still hates it just as much - along with the car seat, the pram, not being able to bring outdoor sodden wet through toys in the house.....

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 10:35

shadowchancesassy · 12/04/2023 23:35

If you think 2s hard you ain't seen nothing yet!

Wait til you hit 3 Confused my sister in that hell atm and is struggling hard.

Oh no, please don't say this

People keep telling me it gets easier when they can communicate in full sentences properly? I was hoping 3 onwards would be easier as she'll be more able to tell me in words what she's feeling instead of just lashing out at me.

OP posts:
notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 10:39

SunnySaturdayMorning · 12/04/2023 23:02

This is all developmentally normal behaviour. The problem is that you don’t know how to deal with it effectively and are exacerbating the problem and then blaming her.

If it’s time for an activity to end, you don’t
just take her away. You need to prepare her so she knows what’s happening eg. “Okay we’ll have one more go on the slide before we leave the park”.

You need to give her age appropriate choices. Toddlers love control, and if they feel as if they get enough control they won’t rub against your boundaries so hard.

So “do you want to wear the pink hat or the blue hat? Do you want to walk or go in the pram?” If they refuse to choose, try to take both or want a third option a simple “I can see you’re having a hard time choosing so mummy will pick.”

You need to have firm, fair, consistent boundaries. If you have said no, you mustn’t give in because all that does is let her known that if she pushes hard enough, mummy will eventually cave. She just needs to find that point.

It’s okay for her to cry. It’s okay for her to be sad she isn’t getting what she wants. Our job as parents is not to fix everything.

You need to name her feeling, validate it and move on. Don’t linger. Coregulate when she needs you to. It’s important you stay calm and in control because if you don’t it will set off her internal alarm system and she won’t be able to calm down as you aren’t in control yourself.

I do a lot of these things already. I give countdowns to things ending, eg, "five more minutes and we need to say goodbye to the slide / nursery rhymes", whatever it is.... I don't think she's old enough yet to grasp the concept of what five more minutes means though so i imagine it still appears to come out of the blue for her when it ends.

I do give choices but again she isn't quite old enough to understand either/or options so she takes both. So I end up in a battle anyway as I'm then removing the 2nd option when she wants them both.

I'm interested in your comment that I don't know how to deal with it and am exacerbating it. Could you please explain how you think I'm making it worse? I am honestly genuinely doing my absolute best here but I am totally worn into the ground and out of ideas. I have nothing left.

OP posts:
notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 10:41

Littlebummybums · 12/04/2023 22:54

Ditch the bath. How dirty Cana toddler get. 👀

I'm not sure if this is a serious comment or not, but she gets absolutely filthy at nursery most days. I wouldn't feel totally comfortable not bathing or showering her. But I will start maybe skipping out the odd one to save my sanity and just do a flannel wash as another person suggested.

OP posts:
notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 10:46

WashableVelvet · 12/04/2023 21:47

😂 at wanting jelly for breakfast. Mine wanted ‘eggy’ today, which obvs means the chocolate kind not the healthy kind. And that was after she’d calmed down from her first tantrum about being cold but not wanting clothes 🤦‍♀️

😂

"Eggy" made me laugh.

I'm so glad I'm alone with this.

My personal "favourite" in terms of her unreasonable tantrums was when she ripped a piece of toast and jam in half, then looked at it in a puzzled way, handed it to me and requested "mummy help?". I said sweetheart I can't put the toast back together, but now you have two! Isn't that exciting?

"NOO!!!!" Dramatic tears and toast went flying on the floor. "MUMMY HELP!!!!"

I just sat in despair. Do I laugh or cry? What is this level of unreasonableness? And how the hell can I fix the god damn toast back together for her before we both have a breakdown??!! 🤷‍♀️🤣

OP posts:
Endofmytetherfinally · 13/04/2023 11:17

Again. I think it's so individual. My brother and sister both said 2-3 was hardest and that from 3 things improved (even with a new sibling in one case).

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 11:38

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 10:39

I do a lot of these things already. I give countdowns to things ending, eg, "five more minutes and we need to say goodbye to the slide / nursery rhymes", whatever it is.... I don't think she's old enough yet to grasp the concept of what five more minutes means though so i imagine it still appears to come out of the blue for her when it ends.

I do give choices but again she isn't quite old enough to understand either/or options so she takes both. So I end up in a battle anyway as I'm then removing the 2nd option when she wants them both.

I'm interested in your comment that I don't know how to deal with it and am exacerbating it. Could you please explain how you think I'm making it worse? I am honestly genuinely doing my absolute best here but I am totally worn into the ground and out of ideas. I have nothing left.

“Five minutes” isn’t going to cut it - you need to give her a metric that she understands. She doesn’t understand time.

So you can do it in terms of turns, like one/two/three more turns on the slide. Or you can use a visual colour system on a keyring - green, amber, red. So when it’s green we’re playing, when we switch to amber that means it’s going to end soon, and when we turn it to red that’s the end.

Or if your little one knows more numbers than colours you can do the same but 3, 2, 1 instead.

Again, choices, it doesn’t need to be a battle. Don’t allow it to be one. It’s okay if she wants both choices, but that doesn’t mean she can have both, and if she can’t pick then a simple “Okay, you’re having a hard time choosing so mummy will help and pick the pink top today.”

If she cries or tantrums, that’s okay. A simple “I know it’s frustrating when we struggle to make a choice, isn’t it? It makes me feel frustrated too.” And move on.

If you try and stop her crying, cajole her, try to fix it, reason with her etc that’s just going to exacerbate it as you’re lingering on it.

It doesn’t matter if she screams
all the way round the supermarket because she wanted to be carried instead of walking (been there, never happened since). It doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks - you’re not parenting nosey Bob and Barbara in the corner who aren’t going to be there days, months, years down the line. You’re parenting your child.

I know you’re trying, and it is hard when their language isn’t up to scratch, but it is important to do the research into child development and emotional development, because when we don’t, that’s when we make the problem unintentionally worse.

I recommend Laura Amies/Nanny Amies and Big Little Feelings as great free resources on this topic.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 11:42

“NOO!!!!" Dramatic tears and toast went flying on the floor. "MUMMY HELP!!!!"

See in that situation I would make sure she knew I understood what she wanted, explain why that wasn’t possible and move on.

”Do you want me to put the toast back together?”

”Yes mummy..”

”Unfortunately we can’t always put things back together when they break so mummy cannot fix the toast.”

Then distract and move on. Don’t get stressed, don’t roll your eyes or make it a big deal. Don’t mention the toast again.

“Oh can you see that bird outside? Looks like he’s flying. Where do you think he’s flying to?”

It’s important your body language and tone convey one of calmness.

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 12:51

@SunnySaturdayMorning

She's not even 2 yet, she doesn't understand the complexity of those sentences. At all. "Oh look a bird!", yes, but the rest of it she wouldn't understand. She doesn't have full sentences yet, just single words. So me saying "do you want me to put that together?", she doesn't understand that. "Mummy help" is what she says for everything from putting toast back together to taking a lid of a bottle to opening a door, whatever it is.

OP posts:
KylieKangaroo · 13/04/2023 12:55

Totally normal I gave mine ice cream for dinner yesterday, and then she didn't even eat it 😅 I think she just wanted the control. My eldest got better age 5 I'm praying it's not that long with this one!

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 12:58

You’re totally missing the point. She turns 2 next week, and this can absolutely be done from a year old - their understanding is far better than their speech. Don’t do her a disservice, you’re letting her down if you do.

But if you’re just going to say “no that won’t work” and not do any research into child development or how to bring up your child then of course you’re going to have these problems because you aren’t dealing with the situation in a developmentally appropriate way.

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 13:00

It’s important your body language and tone convey one of calmness.

Which is great in theory and works for the first 1, 2, 3 or even 4th tantrum of the morning.

When you have to be out the door to work on time in an hour's window and you've had really poor sleep, and you've got nothing left to give, and it's already the 5th screaming tantrum since you opened your eyes, and you've been solo parenting for several days whilst juggling work.... and you know you're going to be late AGAIN. Well, It's extremely hard to be this serene calm person. Or maybe I'm just utterly shit, because I find it exceptionally hard.

I wish all the lovely communication worked. "Mummy can't fix that I'm sorry, I know it's upsetting for you". That's fantastic in theory and so easy to do. Does it work? Absolutely not! Because she has no clue what I'm saying or what I mean. All she sees is I'm not doing what she wants me to, and so it escalates. Distraction might work to a degree. But there's limited time for that in the hour window before I need to leave the house for work, so that's more helpful on an evening.

Honestly I can't even express how utterly draining and hard it is, I have to fight with her for the most basic of things. Every single thing is a fight. I've got nothing left.

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 13/04/2023 13:01

Normal. Pick your battles and try give her some control back by letting her make choices. Give her warnings of what is going to happen next. Big Little Feelings on instagram have lots of advice on how to manage this sort of toddler stuff.

You DD is still lovely even though she's not a compliant little baby anymore.

LadyJ2023 · 13/04/2023 13:01

Yep very normal we got it with our 2 2 year olds haha

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 13:02

@SunnySaturdayMorning

I'm finding you in incredibly patronising at this point.

Research into child development? I've read everything! (fyi I also have PhD in psychology!)

Does it help me in the moment? Does it stop the screaming or my stress levels? No, it doesn't.

OP posts:
notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 13:03

I also didn't ask for advice in my OP. I asked if this is normal or not. I'm looking for reassurance that my child is normal and that I'm not losing the plot here. I've been reassured by many posters that it's normal.

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 13:06

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 13:03

I also didn't ask for advice in my OP. I asked if this is normal or not. I'm looking for reassurance that my child is normal and that I'm not losing the plot here. I've been reassured by many posters that it's normal.

Of course it’s normal Confused

But there are ways of dealing with it so you get very few tantrums at all.

If you’re not interested in that and are happy to put up with years of this behaviour (you indicated that was not the case in your posts) then be as belligerent as you want 🤷‍♀️

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 13:07

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 13:02

@SunnySaturdayMorning

I'm finding you in incredibly patronising at this point.

Research into child development? I've read everything! (fyi I also have PhD in psychology!)

Does it help me in the moment? Does it stop the screaming or my stress levels? No, it doesn't.

Then you need to work on yourself.

Being stressed out is going to make your entire situation a whole lot worse, because it will set off her internal alarm bells as mummy isn’t in control of herself.

Shootingstar11 · 13/04/2023 13:09

Hi, just about the bath thing, my LO is about a month younger than her “baby friends” who are around your LO’s age and they have all started to hate a bath! I’m just waiting it on now… 🤣

notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 13:11

@SunnySaturdayMorning

This is my last post to you as you are draining what little energy I have left.

I have not once said that I am not "in control". You've totally made that up. I've asked if my child's behaviour is normal, for solidarity and reassurance.

And once again, suggesting i need to "work on myself" is massively unhelpful and patronising. I'm an exhausted mother of a very developmentally normal toddler, reaching out for support to other mothers who get this. Don't pathologise me or invent your own narrative about me being "not in control". You're making huge leaps and it's entirety unfair and unhelpful.

OP posts:
notanotherdayofthisshit · 13/04/2023 13:13

But there are ways of dealing with it so you get very few tantrums at all.

🙄 sure. So all the mums who've posted here in solidarity that they're having similar behaviour just need to deal with it differently and all will be well? They'll have perfectly well behaved 2 year olds. Righto.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 13/04/2023 13:14

The toddler years are apparently training for when they are teenagers, according to my friend who has two daughters. They develop so much over that time and the boundary pushing is part of that. It is exhausting, and I think this is why it’s easy for it to overtake everything else and to lose yourself and it puts relationships under pressure. It’s worth thinking about how to get through it so that it’s not as hard. I feel like my son had a personality transplant on his second birthday, he’s a lovely caring 10 year old now (I hope he doesn’t lose that when he gets to teenage years).