Terrible 2s - is this normal?!

[notanotherdayofthisshit]

My DD turns 2 next week. I am honestly pulling my hair out with the tantrums. How normal is this? Here are some examples:

• trying to dress her is generally a physical struggle - I have to restrain her so I can change a nappy / get her dressed. She just screams.

• shower / bath time - she used to love these. Now it's just another thing that triggers screaming. Again, undressing her for the bath / shower is what sets off the screaming.

• taking her away from anything she is doing if it's time to leave - eg. Taking her away from the tv for a bath or or to leave the house etc. not always but often this results in screaming.

• if I won't give in to her demands for "jelly" for her breakfast

The list goes on...... are these repeated tantrums normal? I have an older child (in their teens) and I honestly do not recall things being this bad.

Please tell me whether my child is normal or not? 😩

Honestly, that sounds really hard going. My partner doesn’t work away but does very long hours so the whole morning and night time routine etc was always down to me and it can be SO tough. When I stopped trying to do it all and stick so rigidly to routines it was like a weight had been lifted. Please don’t feel like a shit mum for having no patience either - it can be so infuriating when you’re on a timescale trying to get yourself ready, them ready, make sure they have everything they need etc and then on top of it it’s a battle to get dressed etc day in day out. Hopefully you can take some tips from this thread that will make your lives easier while she goes through this phase. In the evenings take the pressure off and maybe you could spend the time you would spend doing the bath, for snuggles on the sofa instead to connect after long days for both of you ♥️

I got myself a T shirt that said 'my child dressed themself this morning' and wore that whenever I had to go out with said child - who was usually wearing a sparkly glitter top of her sister's, so seven sizes too big, a tutu and wellingtons. I got SO MUCH motherly solidarity and it meant I cared less about what she had chosen to wear!

I sympathise!
Have you tried the usual toddler distraction techniques?
Silly sing song voice "little army going through the hole! Where has your army gooooone?? THERE IT IS! WOOP WOOP! Little leggy through the hole, where's your leggy gone?? There it issss! Oooh little toes wiggle wiggle! Hee hee hee!!! Count the toes! 1 2 3 6 9, is that right???"

That's what I do. Also "oh my goodness did you see that birdy flying past the window?"

Stuff like that.

With regards food, I would just ignore completely and make a big fuss about how yummy her breakfast is.

No exaggeration, from about 12m to 3y was the most awful years of my life for both of my children. I was absolutely miserable. Turns out they were both autistic which goes some way to explaining the meltdowns and how difficult they found… everything really.

Not saying your child is autistic of course, but I always felt that my childrens’ behaviour was much more difficult than most toddlers, and it was weirdly reassuring to look back, years later, and realise I was right.

This is all normal. Mine isn’t even 2 yet and it can very much be like this.
I know they have limited understanding compared to an adult but you need to give her more credit. I find talking her through things much more effective.
If I just grab her and lie her down to change her nappy she was scream and try to get away. If I explain we need to change her nappy so we can get ready to go out, or get ready into our pjs to read books it goes so much easier.
I think a lot of toddler tantrums are ultimately around control.

The bath used to always be a favourite for us but sometimes I know after a day of nursery it’s just too late and she’s too tired so I skip it.
In general I find doing something like lining up all the bath toys on the side and making a game of hitting them into the water a good strategy. Then she’s already thinking the bath is fun and I ask ‘do you want to get in?’ And she’s says yeah.

Just try to build in extra time for getting dressed. Again I find them picking the clothes helps. The wanting to do it themselves can be painful but it’s worth pandering to it a bit because they more they try the quicker they will learn and I’m already finding the more my toddler can communicate and do things for herself the calmer she is overall.

All normal. It's a tough stage. At age 3 and half we're still going though it but it has gotten much better.

Thank you - this made me smile as I do this sometimes (when I've got the patience for it🤣). And it works quite well actually. You've just reminded me to try this more often!

This made me properly laugh 🤣
Thank you for the solidarity

@Anonymoususe

Thank you for your lovely replies and support, it's helped a lot 💕

I agree that sometimes you have just to let things go. I rarely bath DS on a nursery night because he's exhausted and I'm stressed out. Unless he's been doing something really filthy, he doesn't need a bath every night (plus has a tendency to eczema)

We had about 6 months of bath refusal at this age. I just lowered my standards and had the fight on a weekend once a week when we had more time. Flannel the other days is fine at that age.

Solidarity here! Mine turns 3 in June and he is slightly better than he was.

I agree with the choices thing. Toddlers crave control.

Thanks everyone! I guess it really is just a case of riding it out until it's easier then 😬

Sympathies - DD 21months I just starting this.

She's also too young for choices I've realised but 'bribery' does seem to work. Not with food but things I know she loves like riding her scooter (a godsend to get us out of the door to nursery!), An episode of Mr Tumble, or reading her favorite book.

Also agree with the 'why are you saying no' or as I say 'what hill are we willing to die on'! Obviously getting dressed and bathing are non negotiables, but DD loves her coat and her hat. DP will get into battles with her about taking them off, I dont care if she eats dinner wearing them as long as she eats her dinner!

My daughter is exactly like this. She's 2 and 2 months and has been like it since c. 20 months. She has gotten better as her language has evolved bit everything is hard some days. Like you she does long days at nursery with quite a drive at either end and like you my DP is away a lot so it's all on me. I just try to not argue with her about things that don't matter but to make sure I'm clear on boundaries (I.e. once I've said no I make sure I follow through). I do many of the things others have said e.g. distraction, silly voices etc. But it's still hard!

Re the bath she was exactly the same, what seems to have converted her is she saw her 4yo cousin having a bath and loving it, lying down in the water and splashing. Before that for the last few weeks she would just stand in the water and cry, as of a couple of days ago she copied her cousin and lay down splashing which she enjoyed. Not sure if getting your DC to see another child having fun in the bath is an option but perhaps that could work, to see there's nothing to be scared of and the bath can be fun?

😂 at wanting jelly for breakfast. Mine wanted ‘eggy’ today, which obvs means the chocolate kind not the healthy kind. And that was after she’d calmed down from her first tantrum about being cold but not wanting clothes 🤦‍♀️

I definitely found it was little girls that fight for independence more than boys
I never forget when my dd was 2 and potty training she always had to empty the potty herself. Once when granny was looking after her, granny emptied it and so she sat on it and refused to get off until she had done another one ages later. Granny got so exasperated with her but you just get used to what works for an easier life! Unfortunately we had tantrums for a very long time. You do your best but it can be hard to know sometimes what is the best way to handle them.

Yeah, pushing boundaries is generally a huge part of toddler years.
I personally love this phase so much more than babyhood

My DD started this at 20MO. Honestly I must hear no 50 times a day. It's infuriating. She also started refusing naps. Honestly you do have to ride it out. We spent as much time as possible outside, give her choices (this appears to work for other people but made no diff for us, she just said no to both), try not to say no unless what they're doing is actively dangerous.

For my own sanity I also had a limit on how many times I'd ask her to do something independently (put a jumper on) before I'd do it for her. She would still scream but if it had to be done this at least gave me a light at the end of the tunnel as she'd happily debate with you all day.

This demand for independence is maddening when you are stressed/in a rush. "My do it" yelled at top volume was frequent in our house.
I would suggest setting a timer for when you want an activity to end, tell your DD that she has 5 more minutes and set an alarm on your phone and then when the noise goes it's time for whatever you want to happen next. It helped for mine so hopefully it will help with your DD 🤞
Can you hide all clothes apart from the ones that she can manage on nursery days? Maybe even take her to nursery in PJs?
Also, lie about the jelly. Tell her it's all gone!
Finally, agree with PP, don't bother with bath time on your busy days.

Ditch the bath. How dirty Cana toddler get. 👀

This is all developmentally normal behaviour. The problem is that you don’t know how to deal with it effectively and are exacerbating the problem and then blaming her.

If it’s time for an activity to end, you don’t
just take her away. You need to prepare her so she knows what’s happening eg. “Okay we’ll have one more go on the slide before we leave the park”.

You need to give her age appropriate choices. Toddlers love control, and if they feel as if they get enough control they won’t rub against your boundaries so hard.

So “do you want to wear the pink hat or the blue hat? Do you want to walk or go in the pram?” If they refuse to choose, try to take both or want a third option a simple “I can see you’re having a hard time choosing so mummy will pick.”

You need to have firm, fair, consistent boundaries. If you have said no, you mustn’t give in because all that does is let her known that if she pushes hard enough, mummy will eventually cave. She just needs to find that point.

It’s okay for her to cry. It’s okay for her to be sad she isn’t getting what she wants. Our job as parents is not to fix everything.

You need to name her feeling, validate it and move on. Don’t linger. Coregulate when she needs you to. It’s important you stay calm and in control because if you don’t it will set off her internal alarm system and she won’t be able to calm down as you aren’t in control yourself.

Yup, normal! Mine is 2y2m and threw himself to the floor when we were collecting his big brother from preschool today. The reason? I'd given him one yo-yo snack, which he rammed into his mouth whole, but wouldn't immediately give him the second, which wouldn't have fit into his mouth anyway. His tantrums are so fierce I genuinely worry he will badly hurt himself one day from flailing around. I often just stick him on the floor because at least then he isn't going to fall or smack his head off the walls🙄

There's an amazing poem by AA Milne called Rice pudding again. I daresay the subject was 2 years old...!

A very eloquent description of a two year old...

Mine is so wilful. Took her to the fair the other day. We ended up paying for six goes on the same merry go round as she refused to go on anything else. Going through a stage of throwing everything food, toys, cups… Won’t eat meals but wants to forage in all the cupboards. Good job she’s cute.