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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to pay for my dad's losses?

106 replies

DaughterLaFontaine · 12/04/2023 06:50

NC, as this is potentially outing:

My father and I have not been close since my parents got divorced (I was around 12). I do know he loves me on some level - but he's a grand master in being hurtful and dismissive above all.

Some years, he will remember my birthday or call on Christmas. Most, he won't.

So imagine my surprise when he rings out of the blue. I assumed some relative must have died or something!

As it turns out, no! Dad has always been into new-age woowoo stuff and conspiracy theories - turns out the latest and greatest one, something or other all banking is about to collapse, was, in fact a crypto scam.

My dad is in his 60s and about to retire. He will now do so without any savings. And because I'm a high-earner he was hoping his losses of around 50k might be affordable for me to cover ...

What I HAVE offered: you retain my personal solicitor and we try to see if there's any chance of success if you sue. I pay any legal fees upfront but want my money back if you do win.

What I have said I wouldn't do: give 50k to my father so he has some savings. Let the scammers keep his original money.

I feel like a horrible human being for saying no to a father who wouldn't even pay child support for me! But: this is not his first major loss. If I do, he'll just think he has a full guarantee from the "Bank of Daughter" and may lose it all again.

AIBU not to give him the money?

OP posts:

PolkaDotMankini · 12/04/2023 06:53

YANBU. Quite apart from the fact you don't owe him anything and he sounds horrible, it's like giving money to any other addict: ultimately unhelpful. Your offer of legal support is very generous.

Haus1234 · 12/04/2023 06:53

Don’t give him the money. What a dick he is for even asking!

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/04/2023 06:53

I wouldn't give him the money, but I certainly wouldn't be paying for legal fees either. That could cost an absolute fortune. And I wouldn't feel any responsibility for him. He was a rubbish father to you and he's only in touch with you now for money. Really sorry you didn't have a better father.

SkyandSurf · 12/04/2023 06:56

I wouldn't give him anything.

Didn't even pay your child support? Disgraceful. How could he ask for a penny from you.

Twiglets1 · 12/04/2023 06:56

I was feeling some sympathy for him until I read the bit about him not paying child support. That’s disgraceful so I wouldn’t financially help him at this point either ( beyond what you have already offered, legal help).

GoodChat · 12/04/2023 06:59

You owe him nothing. You're already being more generous than I would be in your position.

Sunnysunbun · 12/04/2023 07:02

No no no. Don't give him the money and don't feel bad about it. His stupid mistake and his alone.

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/04/2023 07:02

The problem with offering to pay legal fees is that they are unlimited aren't they? He could run out quite a bill that way. It wouldn't be his money so why would he hold back?

Original poster

DaughterLaFontaine · 12/04/2023 07:03

The child support thing: for obvious reasons I would have been a child, teen at best, when that happened. From what I remember, it was the classical "woe me, of course I don't mind paying for my children - but this is my ex trying to rob me of my last penny!". I know how crazy it is, but I do think he genuinely believed that.

On some level, and I know how stupid this sounds, in my head I am just a little girl still who just wants her dad to love her back. I'm not really that dumb. I know it doesn't work that way. But it sure does feel emotionally tempting to try being a good girl and make daddy happy!

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 12/04/2023 07:04

Thinking about this again, I can't imagine anyone ever gets money back from a scammer. That money will have been bounced all over the world by now.

Original poster

DaughterLaFontaine · 12/04/2023 07:05

As for legal fees: offer obviously contingent on a decent chance of success and P/L analysis. I do happen to have a brilliant solicitor who can help assess.

OP posts:

rwalker · 12/04/2023 07:05

Your a better person than me

that said it’s easy to be black and white about these thing when your behind a keyboard

it’s a generous offer of legal support but it should be an offer of that or nothing

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 12/04/2023 07:07

I doubt money can be recovered via suing somebody- I think that would be throwing good money after bad.

I really would just say that you won't be giving him any money. Especially as he has only got in contact when he needs something - awful behaviour.

Focus on your own financial security. You've had to grow up with an inconsistent and absent father, which has probably had an effect on you. Look after your own wellbeing.

His retirement will be different from how he planned, but he will be ok - presumably he will get a state pension, and many people won't have savings above this. Don't let him try and guilt you into thinking that you have to do something. You don't.

HappiestPenguin · 12/04/2023 07:08

No I wouldn’t give him a penny. I would say you are surprised he is asking as his actions around child support suggest he doesn’t agree with providing financial support to family members. He has proven he would not do the same if you were financially dependent.

There are solicitor firms that will try and get his money back, I heard one advertised on the radio, so he may be able to try a no win no fee firm.

senua · 12/04/2023 07:09

He's been scammed. He's trying to pass the scam on to you by pulling at heart strings. Stay strong.

RagzRebooted · 12/04/2023 07:09

Hell, no. You've already offered more than I would.

I declined to hide money for my biological father (we wanted it put in premium bonds in my name) as it sounded dodgy (and would have screwed with my benefits entitlement at the time, due to the savings limits) and was likely money laundering as his money is never legit.

But I didn't grow up with a Dad. I had him, who swanned around doing whatever he wanted and visiting once every year or two, refused to have his name on my birth certificate because he didn't want CMS to come after him and did not contribute towards my upbringing in any way. He expects respect that he never earned.

Twiglets1 · 12/04/2023 07:13

DaughterLaFontaine · 12/04/2023 07:03

He obviously is a bit out of touch with reality.
You’re the logical, intelligent one, no thanks to him.

SunshineAndFizz · 12/04/2023 07:14

No way would I give him £50k. I can't believe he asked.

No child maintenance and doesn't even bother to wish you a happy birthday...fuck that.

Goldbar · 12/04/2023 07:14

He's gone through life refusing to take responsibility for his actions and choices, hasn't he?

You have no obligation to help - divert your resources to those people and things which enrich your life and don't get sucked into supporting him. It won't just be this one time if you do. He'll come back as many times as he thinks he can get away with.

Barbecuebeans · 12/04/2023 07:15

It's a weird thing but a lot of the time it's the people with pisspoor parents who are the ones that feel guilty. I think it's something to do with filling a vacuum as the parents never seem to feel any guilt at all. 'It can't be the dad I love's fault, I'd prefer it to be mine as that hurts less'.

Really you owe this man nothing. He's let you down badly. Think how hard that must have been for your mum, having to look after the children and get no child support. He obviously twists things around to suit his narrative: firstly with the child support, convincing himself that his failure to support his own children was somehow his ex-wife's fault (she made me do it - ugh!!!). Now he's convinced himself that you owe him money because you're his flesh and blood, innit? It's really quite the mind fuck.

He won't ever appreciate your kind gesture because of his sense of entitlement. The world owes him, see. But you certainly don't.

Hedwigharlot · 12/04/2023 07:16

What? My dad paid to support me growing up and I still wouldn't give him 50 grand to cover debts that were his own fault. You'd be mad to give some asshole who didn't even support you money. He can't even be bothered to remember your birthday. What are you thinking?

Thepossibility · 12/04/2023 07:18

I would say no with no remorse.
None.
He didn't pay for you when you were a child and now is coming with his hand out?
Pathetic.

GnomeDePlume · 12/04/2023 07:19

YANBU

Do not give him cash: fools and their money. As you say this isnt his first major loss he will get scammed again. People like him are total suckers for 'get rich quick schemes'

Harsh as it seems he will never love you more or better. You will only be buying his attention for as long as you keep bankrolling him.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 12/04/2023 07:21

Good God no - he can whistle. A bloody cheek even to ask IMO.
In my world it’s parents who help dcs, not the other way around.

Mothership4two · 12/04/2023 07:22

YANBU obviously but he is probably panicking. Sounds like OP is being more than generous

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