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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not to pay for my dad's losses?

106 replies

DaughterLaFontaine · 12/04/2023 06:50

NC, as this is potentially outing:

My father and I have not been close since my parents got divorced (I was around 12). I do know he loves me on some level - but he's a grand master in being hurtful and dismissive above all.

Some years, he will remember my birthday or call on Christmas. Most, he won't.

So imagine my surprise when he rings out of the blue. I assumed some relative must have died or something!

As it turns out, no! Dad has always been into new-age woowoo stuff and conspiracy theories - turns out the latest and greatest one, something or other all banking is about to collapse, was, in fact a crypto scam.

My dad is in his 60s and about to retire. He will now do so without any savings. And because I'm a high-earner he was hoping his losses of around 50k might be affordable for me to cover ...

What I HAVE offered: you retain my personal solicitor and we try to see if there's any chance of success if you sue. I pay any legal fees upfront but want my money back if you do win.

What I have said I wouldn't do: give 50k to my father so he has some savings. Let the scammers keep his original money.

I feel like a horrible human being for saying no to a father who wouldn't even pay child support for me! But: this is not his first major loss. If I do, he'll just think he has a full guarantee from the "Bank of Daughter" and may lose it all again.

AIBU not to give him the money?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 12/04/2023 07:24

My dad is in his 60s and about to retire. He will now do so without any savings. And because I'm a high-earner he was hoping his losses of around 50k might be affordable for me to cover ...

He sounds like a right cunt, a totally deluded one at that.

Having an extremely sub-par father myself (also a stranger to child maintenance and out-of-contact for years when I was a teenager), I sympathise. It's bad when there's a level to which I can't imagine my rotten father stooping and this is one of them.

I wouldn't give him a penny and I would seriously considering going no-contact (not something I often suggest). It's hard to believe such a person brings anything positive to your life.

Bhyr358 · 12/04/2023 07:25

From what I remember, it was the classical "woe me, of course I don't mind paying for my children - but this is my ex trying to rob me of my last penny!" I know how crazy it is, but I do think he genuinely believed that. Don't be a mug OP, and don't try to buy his love. That money would be better spent on therapy for you to address your understandable abandonment issues. Don't let him fritter away your money as well as his own. Your offer of legal help is more than generous.

secretskillrelationships · 12/04/2023 07:26

I do understand that pull. One of the ways children deal with rejection is to assume it’s their fault, they must be bad in some way. It gives a sense of control and a way of staying attached to a poor parent. Here’s an obviously way to be a good girl and thus gain your father’s love. But it’s very black and white - if I’m a good girl my daddy will love me. This shows that the thinking is very young, magical thinking. But as an adult, is there any evidence that he will love you? Have you ever been good enough? Sit with the idea of giving him the money and see what happens. There’s part of you that wants to believe he’ll love you for it, but what other thoughts and feelings come up.

You may want to look at this with the help of a skilled therapist.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 12/04/2023 07:35

You must not give your father any money. The scammers will get it from him, they or their friends will convince him that he can get his money back by "investing" your 50k. The scammers don't care whose money they are stealing, his or yours, it's all the same to them. Keep your money and if he becomes truly destitute later in life you can use it to support him then.

As for the legal fees - certainly a waste of money. These scams operate across countries and outside the law. A legal firm wont be able to do anything. Talk to the police for free and they will explain it to you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2023 07:36

If he wants to recoup the 50k he’ll have to rethink retirement. Don’t give it another thought. He definitely didn’t with your mum when she was scrimping and saving to give you a decent childhood.

SquidwardBound · 12/04/2023 07:37

All this guilt and worry you’re feeling… that’s classic FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. It’s what happens when you’ve grown up with an abusive parent (and you have).

You don’t need to save him from his own problems. Nor should you feel bad about it.

SquidwardBound · 12/04/2023 07:39

Look at it this was: he’s been an idiot and fallen for a scam.

Rather than taking responsibility for that, or seeking legal redress, he’s decided that he’ll just try to scam you out of the money. And his style of grifting is to guilt you into it and manipulate you into ‘being a good girl’.

Lovely.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2023 07:44

Actually just another thought. Give 50k (or however much you want) to your mum if she needs it / you want to. I would be tempted to tell him you are happy to help with his money woes but have decided in order to do that, you will deduct all the back payments of child support he owes your mum first. Then a couple of weeks later, declare this sorted and offer him the remainder £1 or something derisory.

You will never please this man because he doesn’t really care about you in ways it matters. He didn’t even care enough to check you had food in your belly and clothes in your back.

SkyandSurf · 12/04/2023 07:46

DaughterLaFontaine · 12/04/2023 07:03

The child support thing: for obvious reasons I would have been a child, teen at best, when that happened. From what I remember, it was the classical "woe me, of course I don't mind paying for my children - but this is my ex trying to rob me of my last penny!". I know how crazy it is, but I do think he genuinely believed that.

On some level, and I know how stupid this sounds, in my head I am just a little girl still who just wants her dad to love her back. I'm not really that dumb. I know it doesn't work that way. But it sure does feel emotionally tempting to try being a good girl and make daddy happy!

Spend a fraction of that £50k on therapy to love yourself so much that you let his approval go. You deserve so much better, and so did the child that you were.

If he's that gullible and greedy then he is sure to lose the £50k again anyway.

Well done on your success. Enjoy it and share it with the people who were cheering you on the whole time.

Original poster
DaughterLaFontaine · 12/04/2023 07:48

Thanks to all the posters who are telling me I'm not a downright horrible person for refusing to just hand over the money! You may not realise this, but it does genuinely help me stay the course!

As for everyone who has, quite correctly so, pointed out that I do suffer from some kind of childhood trauma: I am aware and truly grateful I took the decision to seek therapy for it. A decade ago, I would have just wired him 50 grand! Even getting to the point of recognising the unhealthy pull and resisting the knee-jerk reaction has been major progress for me!

OP posts:
sandalsinthebin · 12/04/2023 07:49

Please don't give him a penny, and don't waste money on legal fees. He can go himself to the police or citizens advice for free. He has proven by his past behaviour that he doesn't deserve your money.
Keep YOUR money for YOU, you are worth it, he isn't.

ChaToilLeam · 12/04/2023 07:50

Let him reap what he has sown.

ChubbyMorticia · 12/04/2023 07:53

Tell him to take it out of the child support arrears.

Mindymomo · 12/04/2023 07:56

Not many people can afford to retire at 60, unfortunately it looks like your father will be one of them.

Fraaahnces · 12/04/2023 07:57

I think you are being very generous offering to foot the bill for the solicitor. If he doesn’t want to go there, that’s his choice.

SquidwardBound · 12/04/2023 07:58

Just a thought… but are you even sure that he’s been the victim of a scam?

The police exist to deal with this stuff. But, instead, he’s gone straight to you and doesn’t want you to help him seek legal redress. He just wants you to give him money.

Given the history, it’s worth being very skeptical. It doesn’t sound like he’d have any qualms about trying to scam you out of money.

Comtesse · 12/04/2023 07:58

You have zero obligation to bail him out now, I would say. He’s a CF of the highest order.

Marchforward · 12/04/2023 08:00

Save your money for counselling for yourself.

Novatherova · 12/04/2023 08:13

You are an alot nicer person than me.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/04/2023 08:14

Do not leave your self short for this feckless idiot. Offering to pay legal fees is very risky as they can rack up quickly. Your solicitor won't be a specialist in this area. Give your dad help to find a decent no win no fee firm specialising in crypto recovery. And save your money.

SkyandSurf · 12/04/2023 08:14

Susan Forward's books have been great for my husband who has also had to come to terms with disappointing parents.

SpilltheTea · 12/04/2023 08:15

He wouldn't see a penny from me.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 12/04/2023 08:16

I think you're being more than generous to pay for a solicitor for him, chances are he won't win and you will be out of pocket. There's no way I'd give him 50k

DDivaStar · 12/04/2023 08:16

By a means get your solicitor investigate but I wouldn't be paying unending bills for this. I also wouldn't be giving dad money to cover his loses, is that debt or loss of savings ?

You need to make sure he is accessing any benefits hd is now eligible for or downsize to make his living expenses more affordable. If you bsil him out he'll never realise his whims have consequences.

Ktime · 12/04/2023 08:17

Yanbu, let us know his response.