Not to pay for my dad's losses?

[DaughterLaFontaine]

NC, as this is potentially outing:

My father and I have not been close since my parents got divorced (I was around 12). I do know he loves me on some level - but he's a grand master in being hurtful and dismissive above all.

Some years, he will remember my birthday or call on Christmas. Most, he won't.

So imagine my surprise when he rings out of the blue. I assumed some relative must have died or something!

As it turns out, no! Dad has always been into new-age woowoo stuff and conspiracy theories - turns out the latest and greatest one, something or other all banking is about to collapse, was, in fact a crypto scam.

My dad is in his 60s and about to retire. He will now do so without any savings. And because I'm a high-earner he was hoping his losses of around 50k might be affordable for me to cover ...

What I HAVE offered: you retain my personal solicitor and we try to see if there's any chance of success if you sue. I pay any legal fees upfront but want my money back if you do win.

What I have said I wouldn't do: give 50k to my father so he has some savings. Let the scammers keep his original money.

I feel like a horrible human being for saying no to a father who wouldn't even pay child support for me! But: this is not his first major loss. If I do, he'll just think he has a full guarantee from the "Bank of Daughter" and may lose it all again.

AIBU not to give him the money?

Make sure you are very clear with your solicitors that you are not funding any action unless the chances of success AND actually recovering the money are very good. I suspect even if you get a judgment it will be near-impossible to enforce.

Treat him as he's treated you, and give him nothing, and that includes not paying for legal advice. Surely if he can get caught up in cryptocurrency, he's computer literate enough to google the info he needs.

The only communication I would have is to tell him to report it to the police, to apply for pension, benefits, etc. Don't answer the phone, but keep him at arm's length by texting or whatever.

And well done on going for therapy and realising that you needed second opinions on this.

No to giving him the money. He is the scammer. He scammed you and your mother out of child maintenance when you were a child, and he’s trying to scam you now.

He doesn’t show any love or affection towards you- you are just a cash cow to him. Funding his gambling now won’t alter the fact he abandoned you as a child.

Don’t fall down the rabbit hole of offering to pay legal fees , that could absolutely spiral out of control. I would offer support in terms of help with reporting to police/ bank fraud department, but I suspect he doesn’t want that.

I wouldn't cover him or pay any legal fees unless I was mega rich or a lottery winner or something. You are not mean at all. If you find it too hard to say no outright then say everything's tied up for many years so you can't.

I would actually see the former as enabling him to continue to make poor decisions with your hard earned funds and he won't learn anything ( have bitter experience with in laws trying to make big bucks fast).

If you are able to talk to him about what his financial position is then I might help him to get advice about his finances and potentially any benefits he may be entitled to receive.

You need to make sure he is accessing any benefits hd is now eligible for or downsize to make his living expenses more affordable.

He’s not a child. The OP does not need to make sure a man old enough to be considering retirement is claiming benefits or has made good housing choices. Especially given how little he care about her when she was a child!

He can go to CAB and sort himself out. The OP owes him nothing at all.

Is your mum still alive ? Is she looking to retire at the relatively young age of 60?

Yes he may have to work an extra couple of years but that’s life

I’d also be wary that he is telling the truth. You don’t have a close relationship and have no way of knowing if what he is saying is true. Don’t give him the opportunity to disappoint you again.

I wouldn't offer the legal fees, not even to assess the chances of a case. These scammers nearly always operate outside the UK and the chances of even finding them are virtually zero, less alone successfully suing. As others have said, that money is long gone. You must have watched enough TV programmes on scams to know they are virtually untraceable even by police forces and financial institions with lots of specialist resources to use that the average person doesn't have access to. You will just be throwing good money after bad.

Your father is weak and greedy (he was looking for easy money - there is no such thing). Don't feel sorry for him or give in to his 'woe is me' story of his retirement as that's your vulnerable spot and he will exploit it. Accept him for who he is and get on with your life. Remember that anyone can father a child no matter how inadequate a human being they are. All children deserve love, unfortunately not all of us get parents capable of it, which is on them not the child.

You are absolutely right to say no OP but I'd be thinking again about legal fees. There's a very good chance that it will be nearly impossible to find someone to actually sue. If they've given a company name amd it's actually registered at Companies House the director is likely an innocent pensioner in Bogner Regis who had no idea they are now the registered director of 18 companies run by conmen in China. Either way they won't have given their own name and the money will have been spirited far far away by now.

Ask your father for details of who to sue becaise without that information you won't get far.

In the meantime encourage him to go to the police.

But please don't give him £50k

OP, just a thought, but can you have him assessed for dementia? It means that his bank could be liable for the £50k.
My husband sees a lot of patients who are just on the cusp of dementia - they still have full control over finances and are bloody stubborn about that, but are beginning to lose capacity in subtle ways and so are particularly vulnerable to scams like this.

This is an ongoing theme through his life. Not something new. This time it just has real life implications.

I've voted YABU for offering him any help at all!!! Why does he deserve your money and your emotional labour?

YANBU and I wouldn't help with legal fees upfront either.

He's NOT a real father. He never will be. He's just another self absorbed cunt who only loves himself.

Withdraw the offer of paying legal fees.

You won’t win. You’ll barely find someone to sue. It will cost an absolute fortune if you do try. I know why you offered that; you couldn’t say no outright and felt like this was your way of controlling this rather than bending over and doing what he asked because you know he doesn’t deserve it, but it was misguided because it will cost you more money and you won’t get anything back as you won’t win this.

Just withdraw the offer and do not give him your solicitors information as he will run up a bill with constant queries even if told there is no chance.

I also think you should refuse all help. And his reaction to you saying no will be all you need to know about this man and how he feels about you x

Well done for being a higher earner despite your circumstances. You have my blessing to tell him to roundly eff off.

Also OP he isn’t your father. He’s a sperm donor. You owe him nothing.
He made his bed, he has to lie in it.

There is an article on the BBC today about the organisations that target (often older) people for crypto and investment scams. Once on a list as a mark, they go back to them to defraud again. Any money you give will be lost again. Not that I think you should give any in the first place, but should you be tempted from emotional blackmail.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-65038949

YANBU, he's not your father he's nothing but a sperm donor. I would repeat to him what he said to your mother about child maintenance.

in my head I am just a little girl still who just wants her dad to love her back

That doesnt sound stupid at all, but if he loved you he wouldnt have even asked.

If there is no chance of him getting the money back I might book him one session with a solicitor to be told this.

That said if there's a possibility of getting drawn in further I'd do nothing at all.

WTF! He is beyond cheeky.I am amazed at the gall of some people.He has not been an attentive father ,but even if he had ,50k to ask your DC for is breathtaking.I would just say NO (Thats a complete sentence after all) I would be careful about the legal fees as well.Just because you earn well doesnt mean you have to pay him!

You don't owe him a thing, but I suppose you could send him a 'sorry for your loss' card with a £1 coin sellotaped inside.

OP, I have a few friends whose parents lost everything as victims in various ‘big crashes’ from the 80s onwards. Lost businesses and houses, investments, one (a more reckless type) had a father who put his entire savings and house sale proceeds into a boat to live on around the world. Within months it was smashed to pieces in a natural disaster not covered by insurance.

NONE of these friends had their parents show up asking for financial hand outs.

If you give him money it won’t make him happy. It won’t make him love you. He will just feel it is his right, in an unjust world (from your struggling single mother to crypto scamsters) that is trying to get him.

Has he reached his 60s with no private / work pension?

Anyway plenty of people have to live on state pension. He can take a small part time job on the side!

Be careful with solicitors bills. I bet a small handful of crypto coins that he won’t accept the solicitors advice and His next claim will be that they are incompetent/ part of The System etc.

Hold your boundary, OP.

You can see how he does and make decisions on your terms as you choose and see fit. By him a new computer for birthday / Christmas if he can’t afford one. Even consider putting your money into a small property owned by you that he could pay bills on and live in (NB he wouldn’t be able to claim benefits for rent for a property owned by a relative). IF you found it a useful way to use your money, which you probably wouldn’t at the moment. But throw money down the bottomless pit of his hubris and entitlement? No way.

"Sorry Dad, I would love to help but sadly as everything has gone up in price, I just don't have the money" Leave him to it.

You've already offered more than he deserves. Please don't even be tempted to offer the £50k. Apart from anything else he'll never stop asking for more if you do. He wasn't a good Dad when you were a kid and needed him, he won't be any better now and is unlikely to change. It would just bring more heartache to you.