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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents' evening at nursery...

142 replies

User154871 · 11/04/2023 22:39

It's a tick box and a fairly unhinged one at that.

At the last one, I was told my ten month old had a 'target' of walking. I shrugged that sentence off because the rest of it was good and they are a nice nursery with lovely staff and activities.

This time, they said the 17 month old likes playing with others but 'we can tell she's an only child because she can't share'.

I don't know whether I'm being oversensitive because I has a MC in Nov and I hated the phrasing (they knew at the time but I don't expect them to remember)... but I thought that struggling with sharing was normal at 17 months?

The other target is to talk more as she only says five words clearly although she understands a lot more than that.

OP posts:
Bellaphant · 12/04/2023 15:17

Mine get reports every six months, although a lot of it is just copied from eyfs. With grades. A memorable recent target for my three year old was about noticing the differences between him and his friends??

AnneWeber · 12/04/2023 15:20

I think that's a bit of a rude comment. I'd be amazed if 17 month olds with siblings are all expert sharers. I doubt mine were at that age.

Supergirl1958 · 12/04/2023 15:21

Jivens · 11/04/2023 22:42

We keep getting emails about the learning objectives my 3.5 year old has hit. I feel sorry for the staff having to do this admin. She’s happy, I’m confident the care she is getting is well structured, I really don’t need to know that she is becoming adept at holding a crayon etc

There’s no legal obligation either :(

@User154871 that’s pretty standard child behaviour tbf my 3 year old is only just getting better at sharing.

OP i held off for so long putting him in a Nursery, he went to a childminder who has just left the profession, so I’ve had to find a private nursery for his last term before he starts school in September. He’s done his first couple of days and I’m not overly impressed.

I work with an experienced NNEB who told me that nurseries encourage this kind of behaviour (not sharing) by their very nature, ratios etc don’t help this!

I wouldn’t be too disheartened, they ‘have to say something’ but parents evenings are a complete waste of time at this age!!

danblack87 · 12/04/2023 15:21

I think the whole thing is bat shit unless you have a child (SEN) who has been given a proper diagnosis by a Dr and a child specifically needs monitoring on a higher level. The system is designed to protect those who do not get the learning tools at home required; however, to make any mother/father inadequate and worrying their child/ch children are not achieving the same as others at such a young age is ridiculous. I certainly would not have attended such meetings unless I felt that me/my/child/children required extra input.

crimsonpeak · 12/04/2023 15:27

My DH went to the last one for our DC. The following morning the staff said they were still laughing at how brief his chat with them was. We have zero concerns about our DC a he took the paperwork they had regarding her development, said thanks and left! I would have stayed to have a chat but I do think they are a bit pointless. Far better for them to keep their own records and to ask you to come in if there are any glaring concerns imho.

ShippingForecastMeditator · 12/04/2023 15:40

Dear oh dear. This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time. Absolute waste of everyone's time.

Whichnumbers · 12/04/2023 15:47

we can tell she's an only child because she can't share'.

children don't understand the concept of sharing until they are around 3 years old, regardless of whether they have siblings or not its not going to happen at 17 months

Morningcoffeeview · 12/04/2023 15:47

danblack87 · 12/04/2023 15:21

I think the whole thing is bat shit unless you have a child (SEN) who has been given a proper diagnosis by a Dr and a child specifically needs monitoring on a higher level. The system is designed to protect those who do not get the learning tools at home required; however, to make any mother/father inadequate and worrying their child/ch children are not achieving the same as others at such a young age is ridiculous. I certainly would not have attended such meetings unless I felt that me/my/child/children required extra input.

… and how do you think SEN is identified? Some children will be the result of a perfectly healthy pregnancy with brain abnormalities (amongst other things) that weren’t identified during the course of pregnancy and will go on to be diagnosed. Those children might not be recognised as having SEN and these tools help to recognise when they’re not meeting their milestones and when further investigation is required.

You absolutely shouldn’t be worried without cause, I don’t think the areas OP’s nursery have identified are a cause for concern. They’ve just had to put something.

ouchmyteeth · 12/04/2023 15:48

Maybe play with some mini figures or dolls - picnics where food is shared out and the figures all play nicely together. Model more sharing at home too.

For a one-year-old??? Really :/

Sartre · 12/04/2023 15:51

Completely ridiculous. Was told my 2 year old is behind on targets because he doesn’t talk as much as his keyworker would expect. I shrugged it off because my eldest (who is now 13) didn’t say a word until he was three and he’s absolutely fine so I’m not arsed.

A first time parent would probably have been stressed out by it, she tried to make out like he was very far behind and it was an issue but I have 5 DC and he’s the youngest so I know they just develop at their own rate. Fwiw, his speech is developing rapidly now a few months on as I expected.

diddl · 12/04/2023 15:57

'we can tell she's an only child because she can't share'.

Sounds a bit like someone trying to be clever & impress.

I mean she might be an only but she obviously goes to nursery, could spend all her weekend with friends/relatives for all they know!

Sceptre86 · 12/04/2023 15:59

Ours did it. I actually found it a nice relaxed evening. We got to speak to her keyworker and I got to see some of the stuff she had done. As I very rarely did drop offs and never did pick ups it was nice to meet the people who cared for my dd and hear them talk about her. As she was our first I didn't have any kids her age to compare her to. They were supportive when I felt her gross motor skills were behind other kids (they felt so too) and that helped spur us to get physio intervention sooner. Ours didn't have any daft targets and if they did I would have ignored them.

BotterMon · 12/04/2023 16:03

As batshit as nursery graduation days (in fact all graduations/proms unless it's from university).

I honestly wouldn't waste my time attending.

GenderCriticalTrumpets · 12/04/2023 16:12

Someone I know who massively gets on my baps put a FB post up recently saying

"Amazing parents evening for DD, so proud 😁"

And her child is 7 months old 😂 Like she had got good GCSE results? Absolute madness.

SouthLondonMum22 · 12/04/2023 16:25

Ours is next week and DS is 4 months so it should be....interesting. 😂

sjxoxo · 12/04/2023 17:01

Wow I’m in France and they would never ever ever do a parents evening at nursery!!! Fucking insane. You can ask all the Q’s you want but you don’t need a parents evening or any type of objectives for children who aren’t even at school!! Mad. I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t want any emails with objectives.

OhmygodDont · 12/04/2023 17:10

I think all parents evenings are rather pointless. I know teachers say there shouldn’t be surprises aT parents evening which means really short of looking at my children’s work it’s all pointless.

Just open up one evening once every 7 months or whatever to look at work.

Mumof3girks · 12/04/2023 17:20

I was still buying 2 sets of the same toys for each of my daughters aged 5 and 4 as they couldn't share. Eldest walked at 19 months middle walked at 13. 11 months 5 days between them in age. Now they are 19 and 20 they share 😂

Dobby123456 · 12/04/2023 17:27

User154871 · 11/04/2023 22:39

It's a tick box and a fairly unhinged one at that.

At the last one, I was told my ten month old had a 'target' of walking. I shrugged that sentence off because the rest of it was good and they are a nice nursery with lovely staff and activities.

This time, they said the 17 month old likes playing with others but 'we can tell she's an only child because she can't share'.

I don't know whether I'm being oversensitive because I has a MC in Nov and I hated the phrasing (they knew at the time but I don't expect them to remember)... but I thought that struggling with sharing was normal at 17 months?

The other target is to talk more as she only says five words clearly although she understands a lot more than that.

Neither of the nurseries I've used has parents' evenings. How impractical! Do they empect you to get a babysitter? We had the 2 1/2 year review with the health visitor - during the day! And they sent home weekly updates about what thf group had been up to. When we moved on to school we got the progress file to pass on to the Nursery teacher.

Hardbackwriter · 12/04/2023 19:01

Dobby123456 · 12/04/2023 17:27

Neither of the nurseries I've used has parents' evenings. How impractical! Do they empect you to get a babysitter? We had the 2 1/2 year review with the health visitor - during the day! And they sent home weekly updates about what thf group had been up to. When we moved on to school we got the progress file to pass on to the Nursery teacher.

Show quote history

During the day is only so much more practical if you don't work...

OuiLaLa · 12/04/2023 20:22

This is interesting as my nursery has good parents evenings which are basically a chat about how happy your child is and some observations and anything they want to discuss in depth (I have a dd in a friendship group of three and it causes them a lot of headaches - sorry nursery!!!!). If they have objectives they keep them to themselves/just have them for the nursery.

so it’s all quite sensible.

they are rated as ‘outstanding’ by ofsted for the last 3 inspections in a row so must be ok there too.

I think telling you what you need to work on with your kid is absurd if it’s as basic as ‘walking’ and ‘sharing’

Dobby123456 · 13/04/2023 10:15

Hardbackwriter · 12/04/2023 19:01

During the day is only so much more practical if you don't work...

Show quote history

My work would allow me to come in late if my child had an important mile stone assessment with the health visitor. A bit like a doctor's appointment. I assumed most workplaces would be flexible on this, if you gave them notice and it didn't clash with any important meetings.

catsandkid · 13/04/2023 10:44

Ours do parents evenings too... whilst I love the nursery workers and they do a great job, I really don't see the point until the child is preschool age (2.5/3) where there is more to actually discuss - e.g., potty training, strategies for tantrums etc.

The last 2 I've attended (DS2 was 12 months, and 17 months) I was told that DS2 needed to work on 'regulating his emotions'. I completely agree.... as a baby, and now a young toddler he is indeed an emotional mess! But, really!?!? My DS1 7YO is still learning about how to self-regulate his emotions ffs! I'm not really convinced it's something to 'work on' for DS2 at this stage!

angela99999 · 13/04/2023 19:37

watcherintherye · 11/04/2023 22:43

Of all the batshit things I’ve come across on MN, this must be one of the most batshit!

Yes, they have no remit to discuss her in this way surely, any problems there are addressed by HV and GP.
Talking can be at one year or after three. The age at which a child walks is also very variable.
You see the staff every day, surely they raise real issues as they arise? Completely unnecessary.

Sillyname63 · 13/04/2023 19:57

Unfortunately nurseries have to meet Ofsted standards too.
As others have said don't make a big thing of it. Not every child can have a sibling immediately unless they are one of twins.