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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner shoved DD this morning

128 replies

Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 20:09

My 18 m/o DD and I always sleep in bed together as she's a bad sleeper, my partner sleeps in his own bed.

Were on holiday with family at the moment in a big house so are sleeping altogether in the same room.

This morning my partner woke up in a bad mood as he'd had an awful nights sleep (as had I as I had to keep settling our dd back to sleep).

She wakes up and is all 'Dada dada' as she's excited to see him. All he says is 'Yes I've had an awful nights sleep because of you'. A few minutes later she's trying to interact with him, he tried to hug her but shes very clingy with me so moans about it. At this point he shoves her and says in a nasty tone 'go away then' or something of that jist.

He has a history of nastily shoving me in the past, before she was born. This has shocked me as I never thought he could show this kind of behaviour towards our daughter. She is my world and I just can't look at him, thinking he could be like that with her.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this him just grumpy dad behaviour or would you say this is unkind and out of order to be like this towards a child?

OP posts:
nigelthornberry69 · 12/04/2023 00:46

Nah, this is abusive. He might never escalate, but you shouldn't have to live with the constant fear that he will. Life is complex but if you can leave him you probably should. That's like...a basic line that if someone crosses you can't really trust they won't cross other lines.

Also, what fucking planet does he live on where he gets to be annoyed that you were up and down with kiddo all night?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2023 01:01

Good for you OP. All power to your arm.

airofkfoeksowlwomfo · 12/04/2023 01:23

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 11/04/2023 20:29

I would have left when he shoved me. No way would I let him do that to a child.

This comment is unhelpful at best and at ots worst id victim blaming as it shames women who stay in abusive situations into thinking it’s their fault as others would have left.

And besides OP can’t exactly go back in time and leave.

Leaving isn’t that simple. Less so when you have kids and the most dangerous time is when you leave an abusive relationship.

Abusive men often target women who they perceive to be vulnerable in some way - whether that’s down to low self-esteem or other issues.

I can only assume you are fortunate to ever have been in an abusive relationship so as to not understand.

OP - I’ve been in your situation. Document and log everything if you can do so safely. Plan to leave asap - Women’s Aid helped me tremendously.

Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 01:38

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Tactica · 12/04/2023 01:47

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Co-sleeping is not dysfunctional. Other than that, what's the point of your post? You know full well it doesn't help the OP, and you're basically sticking the boot into a woman in a crap situation, when she's reaching out for help.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 12/04/2023 06:18

Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 23:44

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate the support and to those who think I condone this or will allow it to continue, I won't. My daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me and we have such a close bond, I will never let anything bad happen to her. I guess I posted this to give me that final push to leave. My daughter won't see this life, she's the most precious thing who smiles at everything, loves the great outdoors, animals, books, cuddles, nice food.. I won't ever expose her to harm. She will never have to be alone with him. I am leaving him.

You made the right decision, OP.

Stay strong and get some support from family and friends if you can.

All the best to you and your little one Flowers

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 12/04/2023 07:01

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Does that excuse his behaviour?

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 07:01

He has a history of nastily shoving me in the past, before she was born

And now the nasty, angry shit is starting on his 18 month old daughter.

Do not normalise this. This isn’t ‘grumpy dad’ stuff. It’s abusive behaviour.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 12/04/2023 07:02

Well done op, you are doing the right thing.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 12/04/2023 07:02

I missed the update. I’m bloody glad.

Melbourne12 · 12/04/2023 08:30

Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 23:44

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate the support and to those who think I condone this or will allow it to continue, I won't. My daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me and we have such a close bond, I will never let anything bad happen to her. I guess I posted this to give me that final push to leave. My daughter won't see this life, she's the most precious thing who smiles at everything, loves the great outdoors, animals, books, cuddles, nice food.. I won't ever expose her to harm. She will never have to be alone with him. I am leaving him.

Well done, you’re very brave. ❤️

iamjustwinginglife · 12/04/2023 09:35

Stay strong. You're making the right decision and your child will be stronger and happier brought up by one reliable, loving parent than two parents, one of which is abusive. Well done.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 12/04/2023 10:16

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Erm no its not? Its super normal for bedsharing for the second adult to sleep in another room. Dont twist and excuse this!

Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 10:24

Seasonofthewitch83 · 12/04/2023 10:16

Erm no its not? Its super normal for bedsharing for the second adult to sleep in another room. Dont twist and excuse this!

Show quote history

It's not super normal for a toddler to not have their own room and own bed, and it's not super normal for couples to have separate rooms as if they're housemates. The child should be in their own bed, they're not a newborn. It's what a cot is for. Should be in the cot the day they came home from hospital. I am not excusing anything, just saying the OP's set up is not normal or healthy. The child is running their life and needs to be put into their bed.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 12/04/2023 10:35

Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 10:24

It's not super normal for a toddler to not have their own room and own bed, and it's not super normal for couples to have separate rooms as if they're housemates. The child should be in their own bed, they're not a newborn. It's what a cot is for. Should be in the cot the day they came home from hospital. I am not excusing anything, just saying the OP's set up is not normal or healthy. The child is running their life and needs to be put into their bed.

Show quote history

Am I in a timewarp? Have I managed to travel back to 1970?

How the OP is bedsharing with her child has absolutely FUCK ALL to do with her partner being an abusive piece of shit.

Shame on you.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 12/04/2023 10:36

Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 10:24

It's not super normal for a toddler to not have their own room and own bed, and it's not super normal for couples to have separate rooms as if they're housemates. The child should be in their own bed, they're not a newborn. It's what a cot is for. Should be in the cot the day they came home from hospital. I am not excusing anything, just saying the OP's set up is not normal or healthy. The child is running their life and needs to be put into their bed.

Show quote history

Please also point out where the OP states the toddler doesnt have their own room?

Hmmmm?

Oh wait, she doesnt.

Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 10:44

Seasonofthewitch83 · 12/04/2023 10:35

Am I in a timewarp? Have I managed to travel back to 1970?

How the OP is bedsharing with her child has absolutely FUCK ALL to do with her partner being an abusive piece of shit.

Shame on you.

Show quote history

I never said it did. I simply spoke to her sleeping arrangements. That's all.

Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 10:45

Seasonofthewitch83 · 12/04/2023 10:36

Please also point out where the OP states the toddler doesnt have their own room?

Hmmmm?

Oh wait, she doesnt.

Show quote history

If the toddler had their own room, they'd be sleeping in their own room.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 12/04/2023 10:47

Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 10:45

If the toddler had their own room, they'd be sleeping in their own room.

Show quote history

She doesnt say shes not sleeping in her room? She says shes sleeping with her toddler.

Where the child sleeps is so totally irrelevant, not sure why you are being such a twat about it?

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/04/2023 10:48

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · Yesterday 20:29
I would have left when he shoved me. No way would I let him do that to a child”

Quite. Why do so many women tolerate this?

BurbageBrook · 12/04/2023 10:51

He's an abuser, OP, he's abusing your child just like he abuses you. You need to leave.

zingally · 12/04/2023 10:56

Only you can decide this OP. If you think it was a shove, then it was a shove.

I can honestly say I've never shoved either of my children (infant school age) on purpose - but there have been a few accidental bumps, like when I've turned around and they've been RIGHT behind me, and then fallen down.

UnderPressureLikeACustomerInALushStore · 12/04/2023 14:13

GiltEdges · 11/04/2023 20:31

What possessed you to have a child with this man when he'd already displayed abusive behaviour to you?

Be prepared to leave now, or be forever complicit in his abuse of your poor DC. It will only escalate from here.

I agree!

LucifersLight · 12/04/2023 14:49

OMG this man’s behaviour is making me feel physically sick.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 12/04/2023 21:29

@Mangogirl12

I co slept with my son from 6 months to 2 years. Lots of people co sleep. Totally irrelevant to this subject. The partner has had a chance to get a better night's sleep and he's still kicked off.