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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner shoved DD this morning

128 replies

Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 20:09

My 18 m/o DD and I always sleep in bed together as she's a bad sleeper, my partner sleeps in his own bed.

Were on holiday with family at the moment in a big house so are sleeping altogether in the same room.

This morning my partner woke up in a bad mood as he'd had an awful nights sleep (as had I as I had to keep settling our dd back to sleep).

She wakes up and is all 'Dada dada' as she's excited to see him. All he says is 'Yes I've had an awful nights sleep because of you'. A few minutes later she's trying to interact with him, he tried to hug her but shes very clingy with me so moans about it. At this point he shoves her and says in a nasty tone 'go away then' or something of that jist.

He has a history of nastily shoving me in the past, before she was born. This has shocked me as I never thought he could show this kind of behaviour towards our daughter. She is my world and I just can't look at him, thinking he could be like that with her.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this him just grumpy dad behaviour or would you say this is unkind and out of order to be like this towards a child?

OP posts:
VestaTilley · 11/04/2023 21:37

Break up with him. He’s abusive, and a crap father. For the love of God, don’t risk your daughter’s safety like this. If she grows up thinking abuse is normal she will be in abusive relationships all of her life.

samqueens · 11/04/2023 21:50

Please (discreetly) read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Dors He Do That? (You can download on kindle app).it’s compassionate and insightful.

don’t leave your daughter in harm’s way - she’s just a baby

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 21:56

Why on earth did you continue to stay with a man who physically abuses you?

SheikYerboutiii · 11/04/2023 21:57

You knew he was an abusive man and you chose to have a child with him. That’s on you. You need to step up and protect your child now.

Tactica · 11/04/2023 22:00

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 21:56

Why on earth did you continue to stay with a man who physically abuses you?

Victim blaming.

Tactica · 11/04/2023 22:01

SheikYerboutiii · 11/04/2023 21:57

You knew he was an abusive man and you chose to have a child with him. That’s on you. You need to step up and protect your child now.

Also victim blaming.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/04/2023 22:03

I'm going to spell this out loud and clear. If you stay with this man you are condoning child abuse.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2023 22:04

This reply has been deleted

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Wavescrashingonthebeach · 11/04/2023 22:04

@Tactica

I dont agree with victim blaming either, but once you have a baby your job is to protect them. It's awful what this scum man has done to OP but now she now has to make the choice not to put her daughter through it.

Sceptre86 · 11/04/2023 22:05

I have a dd the same she as yours and she has slept with us on numerous nights when she has been ill or teething. My dh has never reacted like that towards her or any of our other children. Both our older 2 didn't sleep through until they were 2 neither of us ever got angry at them. This is not OK. He's a danger to her and you need to speak to your hv for advice, family or friends that will support you but you can't let him continue to be around her. I'd contact womens aid and the police if you fear for your safety. A good dad wouldn't do this.

Shakirasma · 11/04/2023 22:09

Shes just a baby! What sort of bastard shoves a baby?

I suppose the most important question though, is what are you going to do about it OP?

Tactica · 11/04/2023 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You asked why the OP would stay with someone who abused her. By asking that question and blaming the OP for this event - the 'consequences of her mother's choices' - you are victim blaming and also apparently have absolutely NO understanding whatsoever of the horrific nature of abusive relationships.

How on earth does your comment help the OP in any way? Did you just come to stick the boot in?

Staffielove23 · 11/04/2023 22:20

You know this is wrong. I’m sorry.

Climbles · 11/04/2023 22:30

No one is expecting him to like being woken up. I’m a total knob if I don’t get enough sleep but Ive never physically assaulted a baby. The fact that you haven’t left this man immediately says everything. Why on earth do you think this is okay?

Museya15 · 11/04/2023 22:44

Hope you don't leave her alone with him

WesterChick · 11/04/2023 22:45

I haven't read whole thread but enough.

Please, please please leave him as soon as you can. Get your ducks in a row, you're in a properly abusive situation. Take your DD and go somewhere safe. Worry about the details later.

You love uour DD and she loves you. You are her world and you owe her safety.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/04/2023 22:45

He crossed a line when he shoved you. Which he was prepared to do again. He crossed another line when he physically assaulted a baby and taught her that sometimes hands hurt rather than hug. There is literally no excuse for this, ever, anywhere. I hope you can get away from him, Womens Aid may be a good place to start with advice.

WeAllFellIntoThePit · 11/04/2023 22:49

Erm no this is not okay. My little boy is a mummy's boy right now and sometimes moans if DH tries to give him a cuddle. He has never shoved him or told him to go away! She's a child! A very small one at that! She isn't doing it to upset him.

I'm not a perfect parent by any means, I have shouted more than I'd like on occasion but I wouldn't shove my child like this.

SilverCatStripes · 11/04/2023 23:20

What do you think your mum would say to you OP if she saw your DD’s dad behave like that ?

I hate it when people are abusive to children and their partners and use ‘having a temper’ as an excuse. It isn’t an excuse at all, it’s just being a nasty bully to people you know won’t be able to retaliate. I have a temper (especially if hungry or tired) and can be a right grumpy arsehole sometimes, but it’s never ever directed at my kids because I would never direct my bad temper at someone I love.

TheShellBeach · 11/04/2023 23:21

ILikePizzas · 11/04/2023 20:29

I'm not trying to explain or excuse anything, but haven't we all been in situations as a kid when our parents lost their rag and did something they shouldn't?

Not to a baby, no.

Original poster
Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 23:44

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate the support and to those who think I condone this or will allow it to continue, I won't. My daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me and we have such a close bond, I will never let anything bad happen to her. I guess I posted this to give me that final push to leave. My daughter won't see this life, she's the most precious thing who smiles at everything, loves the great outdoors, animals, books, cuddles, nice food.. I won't ever expose her to harm. She will never have to be alone with him. I am leaving him.

OP posts:
Spammage · 11/04/2023 23:56

If (when) you start to justify his behaviour in your head or downplay it, think about what could have happened if she fell off the bed or if he shoves her a bit to hard and a table is in the way.
I grew up in a house like this. Never massive abuse but just enough pushing, shoving smacking and slaps to make me flinch anytime someone gets angry or moves to fast.
I wish my mum had left 😔

Shhhquirrel · 12/04/2023 00:10

StylishM · 11/04/2023 20:15

He's dangerous and abusive, you need to leave to keep your DC safe. At the very least, he needs anger management courses to avoid any physical interactions with you or your child again

At ‘the very least’ he needs to leave, he’s an abuser.

Bbq1 · 12/04/2023 00:34

Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 23:44

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate the support and to those who think I condone this or will allow it to continue, I won't. My daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me and we have such a close bond, I will never let anything bad happen to her. I guess I posted this to give me that final push to leave. My daughter won't see this life, she's the most precious thing who smiles at everything, loves the great outdoors, animals, books, cuddles, nice food.. I won't ever expose her to harm. She will never have to be alone with him. I am leaving him.

You are making thr right decision, Op. Well done, stay brave and stay strong. Your daughter will thank you for this decision in later life.

Murdoch1949 · 12/04/2023 00:40

Well done for being prepared to act so swiftly for your child and yourself. Good luck.