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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner shoved DD this morning

128 replies

Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 20:09

My 18 m/o DD and I always sleep in bed together as she's a bad sleeper, my partner sleeps in his own bed.

Were on holiday with family at the moment in a big house so are sleeping altogether in the same room.

This morning my partner woke up in a bad mood as he'd had an awful nights sleep (as had I as I had to keep settling our dd back to sleep).

She wakes up and is all 'Dada dada' as she's excited to see him. All he says is 'Yes I've had an awful nights sleep because of you'. A few minutes later she's trying to interact with him, he tried to hug her but shes very clingy with me so moans about it. At this point he shoves her and says in a nasty tone 'go away then' or something of that jist.

He has a history of nastily shoving me in the past, before she was born. This has shocked me as I never thought he could show this kind of behaviour towards our daughter. She is my world and I just can't look at him, thinking he could be like that with her.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this him just grumpy dad behaviour or would you say this is unkind and out of order to be like this towards a child?

OP posts:
Tactica · 11/04/2023 20:42

ILikePizzas · 11/04/2023 20:37

Sorry, I now realise that I said something in the middle of a Mumsnet pile on. Carry on.

Grow up. It's not a pile on. It's a group of individuals being pretty horrified at what the OP has said.

You obviously don't get why people are horrified, which is something I cannot understand. This is a fairly unambiguous situation, one would have thought - abusive partner shoves toddler.

But no. There's always a couple of people willing to stick up for abusive shits and minimise it all away.

nomoredriving · 11/04/2023 20:43

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Sleep deprivation.... one nights poor sleep!

Fuck me, I hope he never gets menopause symptoms, because he commit murder!

Marynotsocontrary · 11/04/2023 20:43

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Jagoda · 11/04/2023 20:43

Whose family are you with? Do you have support?

I am shocked anyone thinks it’s ok for a grown man to shove a baby around.

You need to make plans to get safely away from him.

Boringcookingquestion · 11/04/2023 20:43

I was up most of last night with a fussy baby. Both him and my two year old have spent the day clinging to me and jostling for the best spot on my knee (and/or head).

I’m tired but at no point did I consider shoving them or speaking to them the way your partner did. He’s an arse and needs to be told it’s 100% unacceptable.

PaigeMatthews · 11/04/2023 20:45

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Yes that is definitely victim blaming. You
blamed her for him shoving her. What else is it other than victim blaming?!

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 11/04/2023 20:45

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I’m sorry, but this. The writing was on the wall. Do you have support now to get away and protect yourself and you daughter?

Melbourne12 · 11/04/2023 20:46

Boringcookingquestion · 11/04/2023 20:43

I was up most of last night with a fussy baby. Both him and my two year old have spent the day clinging to me and jostling for the best spot on my knee (and/or head).

I’m tired but at no point did I consider shoving them or speaking to them the way your partner did. He’s an arse and needs to be told it’s 100% unacceptable.

This!

My 16m old is a terror and has bruised every inch of me whilst kicking in his sleep. Last night it was a foot to my face. Hair pulls, knees in my back, hands across my face…

It comes with the territory of having a kid. 🤕

RedSmartie · 11/04/2023 20:46

He would have been gone when he shoved me, let alone the kids.
Does he shove his boss when he's tired? No? I wonder why that is.

Snugglemonkey · 11/04/2023 20:46

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He has not been banished far enough! Anyone shoving my child would find themselves shoved out the door.

givingupchocolatemonday · 11/04/2023 20:55

This would really worry me. No matter how grouchy you get with sleepless nights, you wouldn't shove them. You know that yourself hence the worried post

Mariposista · 11/04/2023 20:58

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piedbeauty · 11/04/2023 20:59

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nomoredriving · 11/04/2023 21:00

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Slower clap fir the victim blaming!

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2023 21:00

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Two victims of violence and that's your response.

I'd get banned if I told you what I thought of you right now.

Marynotsocontrary · 11/04/2023 21:02

PaigeMatthews · 11/04/2023 20:45

Yes that is definitely victim blaming. You
blamed her for him shoving her. What else is it other than victim blaming?!

Show quote history

But I didn't and don't blame her for him shoving her. It's his fault entirely for being violent. I did wonder why she stayed as I wouldn't have. I know it's very complicated and people don't leave these situations sometimes. But I don't think it's her fault he's violent, not at all!!

Anyway, I'm very sorry OP, sounds like a horrible situation to be in and I didn't mean to make it worse. Sorry.

RemoteControlDoobry · 11/04/2023 21:04

ILikePizzas · 11/04/2023 20:29

I'm not trying to explain or excuse anything, but haven't we all been in situations as a kid when our parents lost their rag and did something they shouldn't?

No. He’s a very selfish and pathetic man to take offence and feel rejected by the actions of a baby. We should love and care for our children unconditionally.

TiredBefuddledRose · 11/04/2023 21:07

If you stay with him there could be a day in the future where you get sick and need to stay in hospital or maybe have another baby and then he's all alone with her.
Protect your child.
If you stay with him at best she'll end up messed up from living in an abusive home and at worst, God forbid, she ends up seriously injured or dead.

It isn't normal behaviour and it isn't acceptable.
Please protect your child.

Albiboba · 11/04/2023 21:08

this him just grumpy dad behaviour

Of course it isn’t, and you know that.

GCAcademic · 11/04/2023 21:10

ILikePizzas · 11/04/2023 20:29

I'm not trying to explain or excuse anything, but haven't we all been in situations as a kid when our parents lost their rag and did something they shouldn't?

Yes, I have. Repeatedly. I’m nearly 50 now and still fucked up by my mother’s inability to control her temper and hands around me when I was a child.

Cherrysherbet · 11/04/2023 21:12

He’s disgusting.

RememberingGoodTimes · 11/04/2023 21:17

I'm so sorry this has happened. It sounds like you were hoping he had changed. You've now seen that he hasn't. He won't.

I would strongly suggest leaving before your daughter knows any different. She doesn't deserve that, poor little mite and it'll likely get worse as she becomes bigger and more challenging. What will he do when she tantrums? Throws her food? Creeps downstairs after bedtime?

Bbq1 · 11/04/2023 21:24

Hairymaery · 11/04/2023 20:09

My 18 m/o DD and I always sleep in bed together as she's a bad sleeper, my partner sleeps in his own bed.

Were on holiday with family at the moment in a big house so are sleeping altogether in the same room.

This morning my partner woke up in a bad mood as he'd had an awful nights sleep (as had I as I had to keep settling our dd back to sleep).

She wakes up and is all 'Dada dada' as she's excited to see him. All he says is 'Yes I've had an awful nights sleep because of you'. A few minutes later she's trying to interact with him, he tried to hug her but shes very clingy with me so moans about it. At this point he shoves her and says in a nasty tone 'go away then' or something of that jist.

He has a history of nastily shoving me in the past, before she was born. This has shocked me as I never thought he could show this kind of behaviour towards our daughter. She is my world and I just can't look at him, thinking he could be like that with her.

Am I being unreasonable? Is this him just grumpy dad behaviour or would you say this is unkind and out of order to be like this towards a child?

You really need to ask? Yes he violent and abusive and will only get worse as she ages. Get out now - although I very much doubt that you will.

Crayfishforyou · 11/04/2023 21:29

If he’s shoved you he will shove her.
He won’t stop.
how is he going to react to tantrums, the terrible 2s, over tiredness etc?

Bbq1 · 11/04/2023 21:31

If you stay, you're facilitating his abusive behaviour towards your child.

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