Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner who is not son’s dad.

100 replies

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:34

I have 1 DS who is 5. His dad and I separated when he was 2 just before lockdown and we have shared custody (3 on/ 4 off and then 4 on and 3 off). I have been with my partner DP for almost 3 years and we have lived together for a little over 18 months and we own a house together.

DP and I’s relationship isn’t the best at the moment but he has always maintained a good relationship with DS. However, every weekend and now we are off (bank holiday weekend + week off for half term), it’s always me who is up with DS at 6 o’clock everyday. DS is very helpful and helps me do the dishwasher and washing etc then we get ready for day, at which DP gets up usually around 3-4 hours later, gets himself ready, doesn’t say good morning. Generally he’s miserable in the morning because he isn’t ‘a morning person’ but I am starting to feel super resentful. Then usually me and DS have plans which I have made because DP doesn’t have any interest in doing things together. Yesterday we went to a family Easter thing which DP did attend and DP was just miserable. Then he has the audacity to get annoyed when I’m asleep by 10 on the sofa and can’t finish a film or show because I’m up so early and I get all the passive aggressive ‘well shall I turn it off then’. He does occasionally (perhaps once a month) read DS a story before bed but obviously the rest of the time I have DS I’m doing all the bedtime routine etc. I work 40 hours a week so it’s full on when DS has school and I’ve collected him from nan/grandad/Aunty and we spent some time together before bed/getting ready for school the next day.

AIBU to feel really upset by this? At the moment I feel like I can’t even talk to DP because every time we do it ends up on conflict.

OP posts:
SunnySaturdayMorning · 10/04/2023 09:37

Well I can see why he wouldn’t get up with DS as he isn’t his dad.

But I absolutely would not have children with this man.

JMSA · 10/04/2023 09:39

Get rid and focus on your son. He has never known what life looks like with just the two of you.

AutisticLegoLover · 10/04/2023 09:39

Well your ds isn't his son. He sounds like a miserable sod though and I would t be subjecting my little boy to his moods. You both deserve better. It sounds like you jumped straight from one relationship to another with no time to heal from the first one. Easily done. This man is not the step dad you obviously want for your ds. Time to separate instead of you all living in misery.

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:40

This is what I’m thinking about…I am afraid that if we get to that point (which I want to have another child) that I’ll doing everything with 2 children

OP posts:
Eggseggseverywhere · 10/04/2023 09:42

I had 3 small dc when I met now dh. We had a dc. He is there equally for all 4..
Or he wouldn't be here.

AutisticLegoLover · 10/04/2023 09:42

Don't have a child with him fgs.

SorePaw · 10/04/2023 09:44

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:40

This is what I’m thinking about…I am afraid that if we get to that point (which I want to have another child) that I’ll doing everything with 2 children

@Ifyoucloseyoureyes32

you need to think about other things before that.

primarily your DS. Why have/would you subject your DS to this miserable prick? It's even less understandable when you're not even happy/blinded by love. DS can't be happy living with a man who isn't interested in him & who hadn't taken on a 'daddy' role when DS was only a toddler.

you're clearly not happy.

what's the housing situation?

thegrain · 10/04/2023 09:44

Are you expecting him to be up with your son in the mornings? Do you expect him to be a "dad" figure? Really all this should have been ironed out before you bought a house together.

Lottieoxo · 10/04/2023 09:44

It sounds like there was 3 minutes between your relationships, maybe slow down a bit and concentrate on you and your DS. I dont think you can resent your DS for everything as he's not his Dad.

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:46

It wasn’t always like this. I feel like it’s become this over the last 6 months or so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:47

We dated for around 14-16 months before we moved in together and had time to build a relationship with DS before we all moved in together

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 09:47

You have your son half the week, why would your boyfriend be getting up with him instead of you?

If he’s miserable and dragging you down then dump him and sell the house and move on. But your example about having to parent your own child is ridiculous.

NurseCranesRolodex · 10/04/2023 09:48

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:40

This is what I’m thinking about…I am afraid that if we get to that point (which I want to have another child) that I’ll doing everything with 2 children

You've answered your own question. I really would cut my losses now for you little ones sake. Why expose his young life to this when you're not even sure? You've got a good arrangement in place with your ex so I don't understand why you're looking for the family type set up with this man who obviously can't commit to that. Have a few years just with your DS he sounds fantastic and you'd be happier taking him out of this unhappy home, isn't that why you broke up previously. You don't need it.

AllOfThemWitches · 10/04/2023 09:49

I wouldn't be getting up with someone else's kid either! But he shouldn't have moved in with you both.

AgrathaChristie · 10/04/2023 09:51

Get rid of DP. Problem solved.

( don’t have a child with him as he’d probably prioritise his child over yours. Your poor ds would be one a second class citizen in his own family)

BadgerFacedCoo · 10/04/2023 09:52

AllOfThemWitches · 10/04/2023 09:49

I wouldn't be getting up with someone else's kid either! But he shouldn't have moved in with you both.

Especially not when they haven't even got the kid half the week or more.

MintJulia · 10/04/2023 09:53

It sounds like the relationship has run its course, and now he's checked out.

He doesn't enjoy being with you, he doesn't want to get involved with your family, he isn't happy.

There's no point in continuing like this, and it isn't healthy for either you or your ds.

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:53

We own the house together but he has a much bigger share than I do.

OP posts:
LaaaDaaaDeee · 10/04/2023 09:54

I was a step dad and I got too involved. Sounds like he is not really interested. If I could go back in time and not have my own kids, I would not live with my ex who had 2 kids.

I don't think he fully understands that whether he likes it or not he is a step dad and that comes with certain things. It looks like he is not interested in being a step dad either and at the end of the day your son is your son and your responsibility only, not his.

Have you discussed your expectations with him as it doesn't sound like you are on the same page. I became a dad to my step kids. Took them to school, cooked for them, ran them around, played with them e.t.c It doesn't sound like he is interested sadly enough and he doesn't seem to realise you are a package.

It sounds like you are not getting what you need for him and you are probably better living on your own so you don't get resentful (you can still date(. I found it easier when my partner wasn't there because I knew I had to do everything that way and not get resentful that she wasn't pulling her weight.

The morning miserableness is a different issue. Is he miserable most of the time or just in the morning?

I WILL NEVER move another person in with me and my kids, I would not want anyone to be a step parent especially to a younger child. I can raise mine without anybodies help and I would just focus on them until they are a decent age. Doesn't mean I won't date and when I was on Tinder I would say you never even have to meet my kids. I don't need any help, I don't need a substitue mum or would I want to put anyone through that.

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:54

It’s not so much the getting up, it’s more I’ve spent hours doing all the stuff round the house and I’m met with misery both ends of the day!

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 10/04/2023 09:55

BadgerFacedCoo · 10/04/2023 09:52

Especially not when they haven't even got the kid half the week or more.

Show quote history

Seems like OP wants to play happy families but he's not interested. In that case, he shouldn't have moved in with a child but maybe OP should have waited longer before making introductions..

ittakes2 · 10/04/2023 09:56

my lovely brother'n'law spends more time with his stepson than his own mum does - completely adores him. find someone who wants to be a parent.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 10/04/2023 09:56

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:40

This is what I’m thinking about…I am afraid that if we get to that point (which I want to have another child) that I’ll doing everything with 2 children

You will. So unless you’re happy with that, leave now.

Jagoda · 10/04/2023 09:56

Two separate issues to me.

  1. It's unreasonable to expect DP to act as though he is your DS parent. he isn't.
  2. DP sounds like a total knob in other respects. It's not fair to you or DS to live like this. Can one of you buy the other out?
thegrain · 10/04/2023 09:57

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:46

It wasn’t always like this. I feel like it’s become this over the last 6 months or so.

Have you spoken to him about it? It is a big adjustment to go to living with someone else's kid.

Swipe left for the next trending thread