Partner who is not son’s dad.

[Ifyoucloseyoureyes32]

I have 1 DS who is 5. His dad and I separated when he was 2 just before lockdown and we have shared custody (3 on/ 4 off and then 4 on and 3 off). I have been with my partner DP for almost 3 years and we have lived together for a little over 18 months and we own a house together.

DP and I’s relationship isn’t the best at the moment but he has always maintained a good relationship with DS. However, every weekend and now we are off (bank holiday weekend + week off for half term), it’s always me who is up with DS at 6 o’clock everyday. DS is very helpful and helps me do the dishwasher and washing etc then we get ready for day, at which DP gets up usually around 3-4 hours later, gets himself ready, doesn’t say good morning. Generally he’s miserable in the morning because he isn’t ‘a morning person’ but I am starting to feel super resentful. Then usually me and DS have plans which I have made because DP doesn’t have any interest in doing things together. Yesterday we went to a family Easter thing which DP did attend and DP was just miserable. Then he has the audacity to get annoyed when I’m asleep by 10 on the sofa and can’t finish a film or show because I’m up so early and I get all the passive aggressive ‘well shall I turn it off then’. He does occasionally (perhaps once a month) read DS a story before bed but obviously the rest of the time I have DS I’m doing all the bedtime routine etc. I work 40 hours a week so it’s full on when DS has school and I’ve collected him from nan/grandad/Aunty and we spent some time together before bed/getting ready for school the next day.

AIBU to feel really upset by this? At the moment I feel like I can’t even talk to DP because every time we do it ends up on conflict.

As pp said, novelty has worn off.

Well, no, it's not his child so I wouldn't be expecting him to get up with him to give you a lie in, especially when he is at his Dad's half the time anyway so you can lie in then?

Having said that, he doesn't seem interested in family time so don't have a child with him.

Have you asked him why it has changed?

THANK YOU. This is exactly what I’m getting at. DS is my responsibility and I get that but I end up doing everything then can’t make it past 10 and DP gets the hump. Today he’s been up since 9.30 and has done absolutely nothing except sit down on his phone - there is washing to be hung up etc and none gets done because he’s still ‘waking up’

Have you asked him why things have changed?
Had something happened between you, such as a fall-out over how something was handled with your son, or a difference in parenting styles? This could have caused him to back off a bit, I don't know.
I don't mean to sound judgey, but your wee boy already has so much to-ing and fro-ing in his life. A settled home life with you really is a must.
I would guess that your partner is feeling trapped and that bringing up someone else's child isn't all it was cracked up to be. He needs to be honest with you about what is going on for him. If he has mentally checked-out, then you kind of need to know about it!
Good luck.

What is it like the 3 or 4 days each week that ds is not there?

to be honest I’m too afraid to ask. I think he’s on the verge of leaving anyway. DS goes back to his dad tonight and I just know if I bring it up he’ll absolutely flip out

Typically 3, his dad and I have a pretty good arrangement as I work a 9-5 and he works weekends and evenings

But what is your relationship like with dp on the 3 or 4 days that ds is not there?

to be honest I’m too afraid to ask. I think he’s on the verge of leaving anyway. DS goes back to his dad tonight and I just know if I bring it up he’ll absolutely flip out

Oh OP, come on.

You owe it to yourself and your son to have that conversation. Don't be a passive participant in a one-sided relationship.

Imaging life where you just have to deal with you and your son.

As I mentioned before. Does he pull his weight in all other areas?

I know what resentment feels like and it not dealt with and a long term resolution found it will just build and build and build.

If you can't talk about things and resolve things then I am afraid you are $uck$ed.

Yep - and you'll have the younger child 7 days a week rather than the 50% you currently have your son

Honestly, just split up.

His idea of how a step family works isn’t yours.

Why would you have baby with him? He will either step and do more with his own child, meaning your ds would grow up seeing how his step dad treats him differently and is half siblings gets to live with both parents, yet he doesn’t and his step dad can’t treat them fairly.

Or he won’t do anything at all.

I know you don’t want to hear this. But in 3 years your son has gone through the split of his family, to meeting and living with mums new boyfriend. And is likely to now experience the disappearance of his ‘step dad’ and having to move home, yet again, due to relationship breakdowns. While that’s better for your son in the long run, it’s a lot for a small child. Your ds needs some stability.

My kids Dad, really messed them up going straight from our marriage to living with a woman, then splitting and moving and then doing it again. My kids are a little older. The 18 year old stopped seeing her dad after the 2nd. The younger stopped about a year later. They preferred living with me because I gave them some stability. It was a really difficult few years for them.

When you have kids moving in after 18 months IS fast.

Why on earth would you want a child with this man!!!!
You need to leave and then start again!!!!!
That would be a ridiculous situation!

Yes you’re right I do

Put your son first. Obviously dump the boyfriend you’re scared will ‘flip out’, keep trash blokes away from your poor kid. The only thing to sort is selling the house or buying the other out. No need for handwringing or ‘but whyyyy’, just dump him. Carefully consider if it’s in your sons best internet have a future boyfriend inflicted on him.

The DP sounds like a misery who isn't adding anything to your life, so best to get rid on that basis, but expecting him to parent your child on the few days you have him seems a bit strange to me. You only have your child half the week, so why is that too much for you? You don't need to do all tasks because you're the one up first, you could be playing instead / going out for activities / having a friend over for him to play with etc. You never need to wait more than 4 days to catch up again on laundry and scrubbing the toilet. As I said though, not seeing any reasons to keep the DP regardless.

Good that makes it easier to end it.

In your position I would end it. It's not fair to your son to be stuck with someone miserable, it's not fair to you either, and step dad stuff aside it doesn't sound like he's doing a fair share of housework?

Honestly move on and create a home for you and your son that works for both of you

Your bond and attachment with the child is the MOST important thing. Navigating a reasonably new relationship with a man at the same time as raising a small child is a clash of priorities. Your schedules and expectations of how the days should be are different. You are resentful of his lack of effort. He is resentful of the fact your attention (quite rightly) is on your child. I just don't see how a relationship can grow under these circumstances. Why tolerate a grown man's moods when you have a little child to care for? You have enough to do.

If I ever split up with my DD's father I think I'd really relish and enjoy the autonomy I'd have over what we did each day, and the time I could spend alone in the evenings doing exactly what I wanted, without taking someone else into consideration. Put all your energy into your child and into self-care. It reads as if he is just adding stress to your life.

The relationship has run its course.

You don't need a conversation, you just need to tell him its done.

I think you want to move on, for good reason.

You only have to look after your own child for half the time. Every other week, he's only there for 3 days! And 4 days the other.

You literally don't have to parent your child for 50% of his life, plus, the weekdays you have him, he's at school anyway.

And you're whining that someone who is neither of his parents won't reduce that further for you.

Christ on a fucking bike.

I don't know why you're getting annoyed at DP for not getting up early with a child who isn't his. Though you split with the child's dad about 3 years ago, then I assume were already with or met DP immediately after this, then had bought a house and moved in together 18 months later? Might have helped to delay it a bit with a young child involved.