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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner who is not son’s dad.

100 replies

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:34

I have 1 DS who is 5. His dad and I separated when he was 2 just before lockdown and we have shared custody (3 on/ 4 off and then 4 on and 3 off). I have been with my partner DP for almost 3 years and we have lived together for a little over 18 months and we own a house together.

DP and I’s relationship isn’t the best at the moment but he has always maintained a good relationship with DS. However, every weekend and now we are off (bank holiday weekend + week off for half term), it’s always me who is up with DS at 6 o’clock everyday. DS is very helpful and helps me do the dishwasher and washing etc then we get ready for day, at which DP gets up usually around 3-4 hours later, gets himself ready, doesn’t say good morning. Generally he’s miserable in the morning because he isn’t ‘a morning person’ but I am starting to feel super resentful. Then usually me and DS have plans which I have made because DP doesn’t have any interest in doing things together. Yesterday we went to a family Easter thing which DP did attend and DP was just miserable. Then he has the audacity to get annoyed when I’m asleep by 10 on the sofa and can’t finish a film or show because I’m up so early and I get all the passive aggressive ‘well shall I turn it off then’. He does occasionally (perhaps once a month) read DS a story before bed but obviously the rest of the time I have DS I’m doing all the bedtime routine etc. I work 40 hours a week so it’s full on when DS has school and I’ve collected him from nan/grandad/Aunty and we spent some time together before bed/getting ready for school the next day.

AIBU to feel really upset by this? At the moment I feel like I can’t even talk to DP because every time we do it ends up on conflict.

OP posts:
JMSA · 10/04/2023 09:58

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:54

It’s not so much the getting up, it’s more I’ve spent hours doing all the stuff round the house and I’m met with misery both ends of the day!

Life's too short. I wouldn't have put up with this from my children's biological father, let alone someone who isn't even connected by blood.

LaaaDaaaDeee · 10/04/2023 09:58

Doesn't sound pleasant. You don't need to deal with his misery as well as all the other stuff you have to deal with.

Unfortunately as with so many situations on this site, you either put up with it or you introduce changes.

Sadly, this is why I don't think I want a relationship. I've got my own stuff to deal with, I don't need to be dealing with other people's $hit too. I would just concentrate on you and your son.

Does he pay rent, food, bills, clean, cook???

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:58

AllOfThemWitches · 10/04/2023 09:55

Seems like OP wants to play happy families but he's not interested. In that case, he shouldn't have moved in with a child but maybe OP should have waited longer before making introductions..

Show quote history

It very much used to be that.

We dated for 6 or 7 months before I introduced him to DP, then waited another 9-10 months before he moved in.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 10/04/2023 09:59

I think you are being unreasonable regarding your son and getting up, you only have him 50% of the time, of course you should be getting up. And 6am is a perfectly normal getting up time for many adults anyway, I would say I have been managing that for 35 years and have never ended the day exhausted.

But that said, your partner sounds awful and the relationship utterly joyless. It is a shame you rushed to buy a house with him, but all you can do now is start to untangle the mess.

JMSA · 10/04/2023 09:59

ittakes2 · 10/04/2023 09:56

my lovely brother'n'law spends more time with his stepson than his own mum does - completely adores him. find someone who wants to be a parent.

Or not!

(your BIL does sound fab though Smile)

SkaterBrained · 10/04/2023 10:00

The future with him has only two options, if you are even thinking of having children with him:

  1. He continues to check out and leaves everything to you - but 100% of the time, rather than the 50% you have DS, so you're more exhausted
  1. He treats his own DCs better than your DS

If this is a recent change and he has good points, then he needs to sort out his own life a bit, instead of relying on you to be his entertainment. He can go out with friends in the evening or do something during the day, like cycling, rather than following you around to family things griping about it.

thegrain · 10/04/2023 10:00

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:54

It’s not so much the getting up, it’s more I’ve spent hours doing all the stuff round the house and I’m met with misery both ends of the day!

If that's not stuff for your child then this is very much a him issue. He should be doing housework

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 10:01

thegrain · 10/04/2023 09:57

Have you spoken to him about it? It is a big adjustment to go to living with someone else's kid.

Show quote history

We’ve lived together for almost 18 months now. We’ve been together for nearly 3 years. He’s called himself step dad previously but acts like he doesn’t want to be here mostly in the last few months. I would think maybe after the first 12 months you’d have a pretty good idea of what’s going on living with a child that isn’t yours? I might have that wrong though because I’m the parent in this situation

OP posts:
MoreSleepPleasee · 10/04/2023 10:02

Yes yabu he's your son and his dad has his practically 50/50. Your ex is not his dad howether much you want him to play daddy.

MoreSleepPleasee · 10/04/2023 10:03

Oops. I meant your partner is not his dad.

MaryJean87 · 10/04/2023 10:04

My husband is the father to only the youngest of my 4 kids but he treats them all the same. He's been in their lives since they were all very young and they call him dad and he refers to them as his kids. When you live together in a committed relationship, you become a family unit.
I wouldn't be with him if he treated them differently. He knew I had young kids when we got together and that we came as a package and he was coming into a ready made family, not just me as an individual. If you were to have more kids together with this man, you risk having your elder son pushed out. I'd reconsider my future with him if things don't change.

DustyLee123 · 10/04/2023 10:04

Prioritise your son, don’t get pregnant, and move on.

Mirabai · 10/04/2023 10:05

What does he bring to your life other than sleeping late and grumpiness?

It’s unfair to inflict this on DS. You’d have a much nicer time just the two of you.

AllOfThemWitches · 10/04/2023 10:07

I think going from having both parents together to having a stepdad figure in the space of less than a year is a lot though. Maybe sack the guy off and enjoy being single. He sounds a bit shit in general.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 10/04/2023 10:08

I think you moved him in too soon

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 10:08

Mirabai · 10/04/2023 10:05

What does he bring to your life other than sleeping late and grumpiness?

It’s unfair to inflict this on DS. You’d have a much nicer time just the two of you.

A house

Zanatdy · 10/04/2023 10:09

I don’t think he needs to get up with your child but I do agree I’m not having children with him. That said he might be prepared to do his share with his own child. But he might not.

Mirabai · 10/04/2023 10:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 10:08

A house

Show quote history

Part of a house.

OP’s priority should be her son. It’s not worth compromising life this much for a bigger house.

Collisionofus77 · 10/04/2023 10:13

Why should he? That’s not his son so the responsibility is entirely yours when he’s with you. I feel sorry for him actually because you’re expecting him to behave as his parent & resent him when he doesn’t. Bet you wouldn’t be ok with it if it was reversed

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 10:14

Mirabai · 10/04/2023 10:12

Part of a house.

OP’s priority should be her son. It’s not worth compromising life this much for a bigger house.

Show quote history

It’s a 2 bed house!!!! I lived in a 2 bed house before we met!

OP posts:
Mirabai · 10/04/2023 10:15

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 10:14

It’s a 2 bed house!!!! I lived in a 2 bed house before we met!

Show quote history

Excellent. So there’s nothing in this for you at all. Only downsides.

Lefteyetwitch · 10/04/2023 10:16

You moved in way way to fast!
The novelty has now worn off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 10:17

Did he used to get up with DS until 6 months ago?

Original poster
Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 10:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2023 10:17

Did he used to get up with DS until 6 months ago?

Yes he used to and it wasn’t my suggestion! He used to offer sometimes to get up and I then would usually get up at 8 on those mornings. I think more than anything I’m just wondering why things have changed!

OP posts:
Whatisthisanyidea · 10/04/2023 10:26

I think people are too quick to judge the getting up part - that was an explanation not a complaint.

OP gets up - does all the housework and then is tired in the evenings - DP IS THEN COMPLAINING SHES TIRED.

This is a miserable way to live - he can’t have it both ways - a lie in and then expecting you to still be lively later on!!

You are in comparable and should leave.