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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner who is not son’s dad.

100 replies

Ifyoucloseyoureyes32 · 10/04/2023 09:34

I have 1 DS who is 5. His dad and I separated when he was 2 just before lockdown and we have shared custody (3 on/ 4 off and then 4 on and 3 off). I have been with my partner DP for almost 3 years and we have lived together for a little over 18 months and we own a house together.

DP and I’s relationship isn’t the best at the moment but he has always maintained a good relationship with DS. However, every weekend and now we are off (bank holiday weekend + week off for half term), it’s always me who is up with DS at 6 o’clock everyday. DS is very helpful and helps me do the dishwasher and washing etc then we get ready for day, at which DP gets up usually around 3-4 hours later, gets himself ready, doesn’t say good morning. Generally he’s miserable in the morning because he isn’t ‘a morning person’ but I am starting to feel super resentful. Then usually me and DS have plans which I have made because DP doesn’t have any interest in doing things together. Yesterday we went to a family Easter thing which DP did attend and DP was just miserable. Then he has the audacity to get annoyed when I’m asleep by 10 on the sofa and can’t finish a film or show because I’m up so early and I get all the passive aggressive ‘well shall I turn it off then’. He does occasionally (perhaps once a month) read DS a story before bed but obviously the rest of the time I have DS I’m doing all the bedtime routine etc. I work 40 hours a week so it’s full on when DS has school and I’ve collected him from nan/grandad/Aunty and we spent some time together before bed/getting ready for school the next day.

AIBU to feel really upset by this? At the moment I feel like I can’t even talk to DP because every time we do it ends up on conflict.

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 10/04/2023 10:49

What is it like on the half of the week without your DS?

I’m struggling with the timeline, he is 5 you split when he was 2 just before lockdown.

So how fast did you meet, introduce and move in with this current partner with a pandemic in the mix? Buying a house takes time and planning too.

Do you even know him?

Westfacing · 10/04/2023 10:50

Your son's welfare aside, just know that grumpy lazy men don't get any less grumpier and lazier as time goes on.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 10/04/2023 10:54

You only have your son half of the time yet you’re expecting someone who isn’t your son’s parent to be getting up early with him? I agree he sounds miserable but you sound unreasonable too.

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 10:55

He shouldn’t be doing anything for your child.

Your child sees his dad so it’s not like you are exhausted from being a single parent with no help.

YABU to expect him to act like a parent or be resentful that he gets to lie in whilst you get up with your own child.

However, YANBU to be annoyed that he is miserable.

These are 2 separate issues and I would not be with someone who was a miserable sod all of the time.

It sounds like whatever he thought this relationship would be is now wearing off and he’s starting to see the reality that being in a relationship with a mum isn’t as good as he thought it was.

It also seems that you got into a relationship so you wouldn’t have to be a single parent and that they would share the load and now you are resentful that this isn’t the case.

Of course he would have been more attentive in the beginning because he wanted a relationship with you and to move in.
This is his true self.

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:00

maddening · 10/04/2023 10:32

What is it like the 3 or 4 days each week that ds is not there?

I was wondering the same.

Aprilx · 10/04/2023 11:01

BessieSurtees · 10/04/2023 10:49

What is it like on the half of the week without your DS?

I’m struggling with the timeline, he is 5 you split when he was 2 just before lockdown.

So how fast did you meet, introduce and move in with this current partner with a pandemic in the mix? Buying a house takes time and planning too.

Do you even know him?

That is a good point. Nearly three years ago we were in full blown lockdown and couldn’t mix with other households. Yet somehow OP managed to conduct a new relationship to such a point that they actually started to live together after a very short time.

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:01

DHsPoorBack · 10/04/2023 10:48

You only have to look after your own child for half the time. Every other week, he's only there for 3 days! And 4 days the other.

You literally don't have to parent your child for 50% of his life, plus, the weekdays you have him, he's at school anyway.

And you're whining that someone who is neither of his parents won't reduce that further for you.

Christ on a fucking bike.

Yeah. Sorry, OP, but I did think similar.

BessieSurtees · 10/04/2023 11:04

I think OP is wrong to moan about him not getting up with her child but not about him being miserable or not helping in the house or joining in with days out.

He took a family on so needs to take some responsibility but seems to be taking her for granted instead.

Skybluepinky · 10/04/2023 11:13

U r being unreasonable to expect him to act like yr child’s parent, he isn’t that’s his dads job.
Sounds like he is checking out of yr relationship, if u want to remain a couple u will both need to put in a lot of hard work.

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 11:15

I have 1 DS who is 5. His dad and I separated when he was 2 just before lockdown and we have shared custody (3 on/ 4 off and then 4 on and 3 off). I have been with my partner DP for almost 3 years and we have lived together for a little over 18 months and we own a house together.

So you broke up with your ex and met your new DP very quickly.

You then dated him during a pandemic which as a PP said lockdown would have made it much more difficult to date.

Then you moved in together after quite a short amount of time.
(Considering you dated during a pandemic and your ex had only moved out 18 months prior to this).

Without sounding too harsh I think you got with him soon after your ex moved out because you didn’t want to be on your own/ a single parent.

Where was he living before he moved in with you?
It would t surprise me if he moved in so he could have sex in tap and someone to cook and clean for him.

I think you’ve both rushed into this and it’s only now that the pandemic is over, are you both seeing the realities and realising that you too aren’t that compatible.

I don’t think you have any right to be resentful of him not waking up early with your son.
But you don’t have to stay in a relationship that you aren’t happy in.

I think he needs to move out and then decide where you want to go from there.

Snoken · 10/04/2023 11:17

Aprilx · 10/04/2023 11:01

That is a good point. Nearly three years ago we were in full blown lockdown and couldn’t mix with other households. Yet somehow OP managed to conduct a new relationship to such a point that they actually started to live together after a very short time.

Show quote history

I know! The first 6-7 months he didn’t meet the son, and only 10 months after the son had been introduced they had bought a house together. Poor son first dealing with his parents split (it’s confusing even if you’re only 2), hopping between the parents different homes every few days and then having to live with a miserable man at his mum’s. It won’t be long until he doesn’t want to go and stay with the OP given the tense atmosphere in the house.

Jibo · 10/04/2023 11:17

Lockdown started March 2020 and you split from DS' dad just before that yet you've been with your current DP almost 3 years? Jesus. Put your son first.

Crazay · 10/04/2023 11:18

Well I think YABU to think he should be getting up with your son or putting him to bed. I appreciate it's tough with a long working week and looking after a child but he is your child. I was childless when I met DH and sorry but no I wouldn't have worked all week myself and then got up early on a weekend to entertain DSC whilst he slept in, he had children, I didn't and you do get half the week without your son too so more time than a lot of parents do who have their children full time.

Anyway, that part being said, he sounds like a twat with the rest of it and honestly it just sounds like your relationship is coming to an end. I couldn't be with someone who miserable all the time.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 10/04/2023 11:20

Crazay · 10/04/2023 11:18

Well I think YABU to think he should be getting up with your son or putting him to bed. I appreciate it's tough with a long working week and looking after a child but he is your child. I was childless when I met DH and sorry but no I wouldn't have worked all week myself and then got up early on a weekend to entertain DSC whilst he slept in, he had children, I didn't and you do get half the week without your son too so more time than a lot of parents do who have their children full time.

Anyway, that part being said, he sounds like a twat with the rest of it and honestly it just sounds like your relationship is coming to an end. I couldn't be with someone who miserable all the time.

I agree, and she only has the poor child half the week.

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:22

I appreciate it's tough with a long working week and looking after a child but he is your child

She only does half the week as well. I work full time with a toddler 100% of the time! I genuinely can't imagine complaining that a man who isn't my child's father won't get up with my child when I'm in the enviable position of having half the time off from parenting.

Tomkirkman · 10/04/2023 11:24

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 11:15

I have 1 DS who is 5. His dad and I separated when he was 2 just before lockdown and we have shared custody (3 on/ 4 off and then 4 on and 3 off). I have been with my partner DP for almost 3 years and we have lived together for a little over 18 months and we own a house together.

So you broke up with your ex and met your new DP very quickly.

You then dated him during a pandemic which as a PP said lockdown would have made it much more difficult to date.

Then you moved in together after quite a short amount of time.
(Considering you dated during a pandemic and your ex had only moved out 18 months prior to this).

Without sounding too harsh I think you got with him soon after your ex moved out because you didn’t want to be on your own/ a single parent.

Where was he living before he moved in with you?
It would t surprise me if he moved in so he could have sex in tap and someone to cook and clean for him.

I think you’ve both rushed into this and it’s only now that the pandemic is over, are you both seeing the realities and realising that you too aren’t that compatible.

I don’t think you have any right to be resentful of him not waking up early with your son.
But you don’t have to stay in a relationship that you aren’t happy in.

I think he needs to move out and then decide where you want to go from there.

This a good point.

I know loads of couples that got together just before or during the early stages of the pandemic, where lockdowns kept hitting and real life kept getting paused or disrupted, that have split in the last year.

It’s like once life started getting back to something like normality, these people weren’t compatible. But the pandemic and lockdowns masked it.

Crazay · 10/04/2023 11:26

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:22

I appreciate it's tough with a long working week and looking after a child but he is your child

She only does half the week as well. I work full time with a toddler 100% of the time! I genuinely can't imagine complaining that a man who isn't my child's father won't get up with my child when I'm in the enviable position of having half the time off from parenting.

Yes.

I mean I wouldn't necessarily call it enviable in that I wouldn't want my children to live elsewhere for half the week but it does mean OP has a lot more time to herself than other parents do so seems pretty unreasonable to them moan that she doesn't get even more time because her partner won't get up with her son on the 50% of the time she does have him.

I appreciate it's now being said that him not getting up wasn't the complaint but it certainly reads like it is.

He does generally sound like a dick though so I think OP needs to leave. She does everything anyway and he's always miserable so really what difference would it make to her life.

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:27

@Crazay

Yes I agree - enviable maybe wasn't the best choice of work. I just meant in the sense of having a regular decent break. But no, I wouldn't want my child living elsewhere half the time either as my first choice, I'd obviously want the family to remain together if possible.

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:28

*word

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:29

I appreciate it's now being said that him not getting up wasn't the complaint but it certainly reads like it is.

It reads that way to me, too, from this:

However, every weekend and now we are off (bank holiday weekend + week off for half term), it’s always me who is up with DS at 6 o’clock everyday.

"It's always me" is quite telling.

Crazay · 10/04/2023 11:32

psychDr · 10/04/2023 11:29

I appreciate it's now being said that him not getting up wasn't the complaint but it certainly reads like it is.

It reads that way to me, too, from this:

However, every weekend and now we are off (bank holiday weekend + week off for half term), it’s always me who is up with DS at 6 o’clock everyday.

"It's always me" is quite telling.

Yeah I agree. It's always OP because it should always be OP.

W0tnow · 10/04/2023 11:38

The only stepfather I know became involved with his step children when the youngest was 6. There were 3 kids altogether. He went to school plays, parent teacher interviews, took them to swim classes and drove them to and from university. And this was with a biological father who was involved in their lives. These days he babysits his step grandchildren while his step daughter works.

NEVER getting up for, or spending time with your child, step or not, is monumentally shit, and your little boy deserves more.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 10/04/2023 11:41

I think people need to read all the posts before commenting. The OP hasnt jumped into a relationship really quickly and expected her partner to act like a dad.

Her partner used to get up with her son and act a lot more involved. He is now lying about all day because he isnt a morning person, leaving the OP to do everything and then moaning when the OP doesn't have as much energy as him.

He is acting like a shit. I dont think he needs to get up with your son but he does need to get up at a reasonable time and help out if he wants to spend any quality time together and have a fair split of chores...which he doesnt seem bothered by.

At this stage I dont think you have anything to lose by speaking to him. And the fact you sound scared to because you think he will flip out should tell you something. Unless you go in with stuff like 'you never do x...' which will get someones back up. You should be able to have a calm talk and say statements like 'when you get upset that I'm tired/ leave me to do your share of the chores / get up 4 hours after us it makes me feel...' and ask questions about why his behaviour has changed, how he is feeling, and what he thinks is a fair split of chores etc without him going mad

ShowUs · 10/04/2023 12:02

I think people need to read all the posts before commenting. The OP hasnt jumped into a relationship really quickly and expected her partner to act like a dad.

I think it’s you that needs to read all of the posts tbh.

OP broke up with her ex when her DS was 2.
He’s now 5 and she’s been with her new partner for 3 years.
She got with him very soon after breaking up with her ex which is very fast.

They also met in 2020 and dated during the pandemic which consisted of lockdowns and so after only 18 months of dating they wouldn’t have actually known each other that well.

Moving in after only 18 months during a pandemic and after your ex has moved out is acting very fast when there is a child involved.

OP has said that this has been happening for about 6 months so they only lived together about a year before the cracks started showing.

As a PP said lots of people who got together during the pandemic are separating as they moved way too fast and they’re actually just not compatible.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/04/2023 12:05

YABU expecting him to get up with your DC, but considering he did up until 6 months ago means something has changed for him
Given the fact you're afraid to ask, I think he's biding his time to leave you. Which is not good for your DS
I think it's been too much too soon and the novelty has worn off.
How are finances working?
How are things between you when DS is with his Dad?
You need to put your cards on the table and tell him how you feel asap
It's not fair to your DS

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