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Original poster

Am I wrong to cut contact with parents?

84 replies

Usernamenoavailable · 09/04/2023 17:25

As the title says I have cut contact with my parents.

I don’t want to drip feed but this is a long story so I will try to keep it short.

As a child I was neglected, left to fend for myself, my parents were emotionally and mentally abusive towards me, my father went from job to job so we barely had any money, no food, no gas or electricity in the house. We often ate in the dark or by candlelight. As a child I often felt unloved and would act out to get some sort of attention.

I admit I was an unruly teenager, there was no consequences for my behaviour, I was told I would learn from my own mistakes. There was no push for me to go to school, to get a good job or try and better myself. As a result of no consequences I fell in with a bad crowd, got pregnant as a young teen and couldn’t afford to leave my parents home. So I felt stuck for years.

In recent years I pushed myself to get a better education and I’m now in my final year of my degree, I went to night classes and got a well paying job. I saved every penny I had and moved out. My working hours were odd, I relied on them for childcare so I could start work at 7.30am. I would often have discussions with them about not letting my child do what she wanted, the exact same behaviour as I was child. She would be placed in front of the tv for hours on end and fed McDonald’s, chocolate and just general rubbish. This often fell on deaf ears and they would tell me they could do what they liked.

I found a new job, one that allows me to work from home and around my daughters school hours so no longer rely on them for childcare. This is when I decided to go low contact, see them once or twice a month for around 30/45 minutes. During this time I done some soul searching, I slowly realised that my upbringing and family life wasn’t “normal” and that I needed time to heal. So yes I wouldn’t see them for weeks on end and neither would my child.

Since moving out my child is much better behaved, our relationship has improved greatly and I feel like I can finally be the mother I have always wanted to be. I want her to have a better life, better food and travel the world.

There have been small incidents that I have not paid much attention to, just added to my long list of problems. However, in the last couple of days they have accused my partner of being abusive and controlling. They think he is the one taking me away which is so far from the truth, he has been the one to listen to me, to support me and love me the way I deserve to be loved. He adores my dd and she adores him.

I had a final conversation and told them straight that he is not the source of my problems but they were, it was me that made this decision and that I just wanted peace and happiness. I want a loving family and that was it. Since then I have blocked them on everything and cut all contact. Other family members have since reached out and think I’m wrong as my parents have claimed that time doing this has made them depressed and they feel sad all the time.

Was I wrong? Or did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
letsgotothebeachyay · 09/04/2023 17:38

The best thing you can do if someone or some people are causing you harm is create distance between yourself and them. You have to do what is best for yourself and family. To make it easier why don’t you just decide not to make any contact for a year for example? Then see how that makes you feel. Just because your parents are family does not give them the right to be in your life, some parents can cause more harm than good.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 09/04/2023 17:42

You've done the right thing. It sounds as though you're realising that the way you were brought up isn't the best, and you're wanting to break the cycle so your own child doesn't experience the same neglect from their grandparents. The stately homes thread might be helpful reading.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 09/04/2023 17:44

Have you spoken to them about your childhood and feeling unloved? Perhaps going from job to job wasn't a choice - you were poor and they may be able to shed some light on that? When you say neglected what do you mean?

From what you've said, I think talking to them about how you felt in childhood may be the first step and if you still feel the same way then NC. It is a drastic (and sometimes absolutely justified) step and if no communication has happened of course your parents will feel depressed and probably confused by it

Goodread1 · 09/04/2023 17:55

Hi Op
@Usernamenoavailable
You have definitely done the right thing, be proud of yourself,
As you had No blue print,

No Good role models on how to show what a good enough can be,

Not a perfect Parent,
which is not possible for anybody to be,

Don't feel guilty about doing this,

You have to protect yourself and your child's emotional well being,

Shows you are a good enough mother,

Miles better than what you unfortunately experienced as a child,

Your rest of your family relatives are just looking out for themselves

They don't really care about you,

Only about the fact they have to now think look at themselves what's created this family rift in the first Place,

Don't be Emotionally Manipulative (Emotionally black mailed into Accepting your Crap Parents back into your life,

Like in the way you did before,

It's ofshoot of Gaslightening behaviour mindset
Your relatives Attitudes are Toxic really...

Coyoacan · 09/04/2023 17:58

Were they off leading the high life while neglecting you?

Original poster
Usernamenoavailable · 09/04/2023 17:58

When I say neglected I mean that they would not take care of my basic needs. My father would not wash me, feed me or change me as a baby. My sister would be the one to wake up during the night to feed me and the one night she slept through instead of waking up to feed me, my dad got angry and upset at her. Often it would fall on my sister to make sure I was ok. She is a lot older than me.

OP posts:
DancingDrunk · 09/04/2023 18:04

I think you have made the right decision. You can’t move on with life when the people that have done so much damage are still in your life IMO.

I cut my parents out years ago when I saw they were damaging my children like they had damaged me. My only regret is not going it sooner. Don’t let anyone make you doubt your decisions.

winningeasy · 09/04/2023 18:22

OP, you have absolutely made the right decision and don't let anyone undermine what you went through. What you are describing is severe neglect that had social services known you and your siblings no doubt would have been taken into care. I have a similar experience but not as bad with the physical neglect, and I am NC with my whole family.
Like you my family never offered support, guidance or any direction, they didn't care if i failed, in fact I think they would have preferred if I did, so they could keep me small and keep me close, under their control like they have with my brother.
But I broke free, and have my own family now, and thankfully live a long way away from them.
I really recommend the Stately Homes thread for a support group in navigating all of this, I regularly post there, you will not be judged.
Well done for working so hard to make your life better and keep at it. Breaking the cycle of inter generational trauma and poverty is the hardest, but most rewarding work you'll ever do. Thankfully you are giving your daughter a childhood she will not have to recover from. Keep her away from your toxic parents. Don't give them an explanation, it will only be used against you.

Original poster
Usernamenoavailable · 09/04/2023 21:12

Yes this is exactly how I feel. The fact that I’m now changing mines and my dds life for the better they do not like it. I live in a nicer area, we’re planning on buying our own property and just living a better life. They want to keep me nearby and living in a poor environment or surroundings and I don’t want that, think it’s ridiculous.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 09/04/2023 21:26

Usernamenoavailable · 09/04/2023 17:25

As the title says I have cut contact with my parents.

I don’t want to drip feed but this is a long story so I will try to keep it short.

As a child I was neglected, left to fend for myself, my parents were emotionally and mentally abusive towards me, my father went from job to job so we barely had any money, no food, no gas or electricity in the house. We often ate in the dark or by candlelight. As a child I often felt unloved and would act out to get some sort of attention.

I admit I was an unruly teenager, there was no consequences for my behaviour, I was told I would learn from my own mistakes. There was no push for me to go to school, to get a good job or try and better myself. As a result of no consequences I fell in with a bad crowd, got pregnant as a young teen and couldn’t afford to leave my parents home. So I felt stuck for years.

In recent years I pushed myself to get a better education and I’m now in my final year of my degree, I went to night classes and got a well paying job. I saved every penny I had and moved out. My working hours were odd, I relied on them for childcare so I could start work at 7.30am. I would often have discussions with them about not letting my child do what she wanted, the exact same behaviour as I was child. She would be placed in front of the tv for hours on end and fed McDonald’s, chocolate and just general rubbish. This often fell on deaf ears and they would tell me they could do what they liked.

I found a new job, one that allows me to work from home and around my daughters school hours so no longer rely on them for childcare. This is when I decided to go low contact, see them once or twice a month for around 30/45 minutes. During this time I done some soul searching, I slowly realised that my upbringing and family life wasn’t “normal” and that I needed time to heal. So yes I wouldn’t see them for weeks on end and neither would my child.

Since moving out my child is much better behaved, our relationship has improved greatly and I feel like I can finally be the mother I have always wanted to be. I want her to have a better life, better food and travel the world.

There have been small incidents that I have not paid much attention to, just added to my long list of problems. However, in the last couple of days they have accused my partner of being abusive and controlling. They think he is the one taking me away which is so far from the truth, he has been the one to listen to me, to support me and love me the way I deserve to be loved. He adores my dd and she adores him.

I had a final conversation and told them straight that he is not the source of my problems but they were, it was me that made this decision and that I just wanted peace and happiness. I want a loving family and that was it. Since then I have blocked them on everything and cut all contact. Other family members have since reached out and think I’m wrong as my parents have claimed that time doing this has made them depressed and they feel sad all the time.

Was I wrong? Or did I do the right thing?

Nobody has a perfect upbringing. Everyone just does their best there is no manual.
No such thing as a perfect upbringing.

How would you like your daughter to cut you off when she's older because that is what your teaching her.
Unnecessary and selfish imo. Just go low contact if you want but don't cut them off.

anyolddinosaur · 09/04/2023 21:33

Well done for studying and getting a better job. Not good to blame all the mistakes of your teenage years on your parents, make use of them for childcare for years and cut them off as soon as you dont need them. You may not have liked their childminding but they helped you out.

It's very ungrateful of you. You can give your child a better life without cutting all contact.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 21:37

People won’t understand you doing it. They never do. I still get grief for cutting line off even though the level of neglect and abuse was so bad we were removed to live with our grandparents.

Theres a general feeling that “you only get one mum/dad” or that you should be grateful for any of the good bits and ignore the neglect.

Do what is right for you.

And do consider proper therapy - when you start unravelling childhood neglect it can be really really difficult.

Iwasafool · 09/04/2023 21:40

I don't think it is wrong to go NC with people if that is what you need. I do think it seems quite calculating to use them for childcare and then when child is at school and you don't need them to start cutting yourself off. That seems like something a user would do. It also seems off to leave a vulnerable child with people you deem so unsuitable. I suppose I'm a bit on the fence.

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/04/2023 21:47

No one here can tell if its right or wrong .

As someone who has no contact with my parents i will say its never simple or the easy option.

I still for many years craved my parents love. I still sometimes find fb with love you mum posts evoke that wanting from my own parents.

I can't tell if you have ever challenged , ever tried to find acway to be because if you can do low contact it is sometimes easier.

But you know what is right x

sweeneytoddsrazor · 09/04/2023 21:49

Where was your mother in all of this?

dottypotter · 09/04/2023 21:51

What if your children do it too you?
If you wouldn't like it then there's your answer?

winningeasy · 09/04/2023 22:50

@girlfriend44 how dare you minimise what OP has been through!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 22:53

dottypotter · 09/04/2023 21:51

What if your children do it too you?
If you wouldn't like it then there's your answer?

That’s such a load of nonsense.

I’d be absolutely devastated if my DC went NC with me. Then again since I’ve never neglected or abused them it wouldn’t be remotely comparable to me doing it to my parents.

Unless the OP treats her children in the way her parents treated her and her siblings theres no simple comparison

WhiteBobbin · 09/04/2023 22:56

Huge well done on turning your life around. You’ve done the right thing and owe them nothing. You need to protect your child.

winningeasy · 09/04/2023 22:57

Op, the posters on this thread are not being helpful, look up FOG and post on Stately Homes.

Accepting abuse just because someone biologically parented you only perpetuates a cycle of abuse and neglect, it's ok because 'well you know you only get one Mum/Dad.'

You didn't ask to be born, you can't chose your parents and unfortunately like some of us got dealt a shit hand. Maybe they also had a shit childhood themselves, it explains why they treated you as they did but it doesn't excuse it. Everyone has a choice.

winningeasy · 09/04/2023 23:01

@dottypotter if they didn't abuse her she wouldn't be cutting her off, consequences have actions.

OP has made the necessary self enquiry and is creating a different life for her child, therefore very unlikely her child will cut her off.

It's very simple; don't abuse and neglect your child. If you do, expect to be cut off at some point. Sometimes it takes decades to conclude you were abused.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/04/2023 23:02

so you sponged off your parents by living there as an adult with your child, and relied on them for free childcare - and now you've decided to go NC?
One of my neighbours took early retirement and looked after grandson 12-14 hours a day from a baby until he started school, and the all contact cut immediately by the parents who live about ten minutes walk away (in a home largely funded by the parents). The child must be about twelve now, and the GM still breaks down in tears about it whenever I speak to her.
So you didn't have the perfect parents - who did? I can see that you don't want as much contact, and there is no reason to rely on them for childcare - but to cut off all contact is harch - and what about the relationship with GPs who to date have been a large part of her life?

HappyMe6 · 09/04/2023 23:09

Well done you! You have turned your life around which must have been really difficult at times, you have done the right thing, wishing you every happiness

dottypotter · 09/04/2023 23:11

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 22:53

That’s such a load of nonsense.

I’d be absolutely devastated if my DC went NC with me. Then again since I’ve never neglected or abused them it wouldn’t be remotely comparable to me doing it to my parents.

Unless the OP treats her children in the way her parents treated her and her siblings theres no simple comparison

Show quote history

It's teaching your children that it's OK to cut family off.
They might do it you, sometimes people don't even need much of a reason.
You waited until they had looked after your children to so you could work.
If they were a bad parent just pity them. They did the best with what they had at the time.
Just love them warts and all as the saying goes.

My parents had their faults. I pitied them they didn't know any different. I loved them though and now they are passed away I missed them. To cut them off would have caused so much upset it wouldnt have been worth it.
You can still want people in your life even if they cooked up.

I doubt we were perfect children either.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 23:16

dottypotter · 09/04/2023 23:11

It's teaching your children that it's OK to cut family off.
They might do it you, sometimes people don't even need much of a reason.
You waited until they had looked after your children to so you could work.
If they were a bad parent just pity them. They did the best with what they had at the time.
Just love them warts and all as the saying goes.

My parents had their faults. I pitied them they didn't know any different. I loved them though and now they are passed away I missed them. To cut them off would have caused so much upset it wouldnt have been worth it.
You can still want people in your life even if they cooked up.

I doubt we were perfect children either.

Show quote history

I’m not the op..,

my parents were neglectful and abusive. It sounds like the OPs were too. It’s not an easy realisation so doesn’t always happen right away - in fact it’s very common for people to realise after they gave children themselves that “hang on, that’s not right…”

And in my case I’m happy if my children realise that if people abuse you you don’t have to stay in touch with them because they’re related.

Neglecting and abusing children is not “cocking” up and people who downplay and minimise it really need to wind their necks in and accept that you just don’t get it.

Walking away is teaching your children the valuable lesson of breaking the cycle of abuse.