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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to cut contact with parents?

84 replies

Usernamenoavailable · 09/04/2023 17:25

As the title says I have cut contact with my parents.

I don’t want to drip feed but this is a long story so I will try to keep it short.

As a child I was neglected, left to fend for myself, my parents were emotionally and mentally abusive towards me, my father went from job to job so we barely had any money, no food, no gas or electricity in the house. We often ate in the dark or by candlelight. As a child I often felt unloved and would act out to get some sort of attention.

I admit I was an unruly teenager, there was no consequences for my behaviour, I was told I would learn from my own mistakes. There was no push for me to go to school, to get a good job or try and better myself. As a result of no consequences I fell in with a bad crowd, got pregnant as a young teen and couldn’t afford to leave my parents home. So I felt stuck for years.

In recent years I pushed myself to get a better education and I’m now in my final year of my degree, I went to night classes and got a well paying job. I saved every penny I had and moved out. My working hours were odd, I relied on them for childcare so I could start work at 7.30am. I would often have discussions with them about not letting my child do what she wanted, the exact same behaviour as I was child. She would be placed in front of the tv for hours on end and fed McDonald’s, chocolate and just general rubbish. This often fell on deaf ears and they would tell me they could do what they liked.

I found a new job, one that allows me to work from home and around my daughters school hours so no longer rely on them for childcare. This is when I decided to go low contact, see them once or twice a month for around 30/45 minutes. During this time I done some soul searching, I slowly realised that my upbringing and family life wasn’t “normal” and that I needed time to heal. So yes I wouldn’t see them for weeks on end and neither would my child.

Since moving out my child is much better behaved, our relationship has improved greatly and I feel like I can finally be the mother I have always wanted to be. I want her to have a better life, better food and travel the world.

There have been small incidents that I have not paid much attention to, just added to my long list of problems. However, in the last couple of days they have accused my partner of being abusive and controlling. They think he is the one taking me away which is so far from the truth, he has been the one to listen to me, to support me and love me the way I deserve to be loved. He adores my dd and she adores him.

I had a final conversation and told them straight that he is not the source of my problems but they were, it was me that made this decision and that I just wanted peace and happiness. I want a loving family and that was it. Since then I have blocked them on everything and cut all contact. Other family members have since reached out and think I’m wrong as my parents have claimed that time doing this has made them depressed and they feel sad all the time.

Was I wrong? Or did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Usernamenoavailable · 09/04/2023 23:27

It has taken me a really long time to realise that what my parents did to me wasn’t right. I swayed for a really long time and I was convinced that my upbringing was a “normal” thing, that everyone experienced what I experienced.

I know I wasn’t a perfect child, I explained that in my original post. But I realise now that I was yearning for their love, guidance and support. Something that I never received.

I don’t want my child to think that just because they are family, you have to stick by them. If this was an abusive partner or friend then yes I would do the same thing. Just because they are family does not mean that I should have to put with it.

I am trying to give my dd a better life.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 23:29

@Usernamenoavailable Thats incredibly common. Especially after you have children of your own.

The stately homes thread is really good on here. People understand on there.

Good therapy is also worth considering, it took me a long time to unpick my childhood but I’m glad I did.

Doing right by your DD is spot on

Somanycats · 09/04/2023 23:45

This reply has been deleted

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NaturalBae · 09/04/2023 23:48

You did the best thing for your child, including breaking the cycle of abuse.

I’m NC with my Father, so I understand.

I don’t believe you used your parents for childcare, as I’m sure your indifference to your parents was gradual and has culminated in you deciding to go NC now. Ignore the posters who are berating you for going NC. They’ll never understand, especially if they’ve never had abusive parents.

Well done for going to Uni as an adult and with a young child. I did the same. None of my last two DC have met my Father.

outofthefog.website/

Moomoola · 09/04/2023 23:59

As a mum whose daughter is being persuaded to cut contact, id suggest talking to your parents. It might be difficult but there might be misunderstandings and stuff that can be resolved. It’s not fair to just suddenly cut them off without the respect of an explanation. I can tell you it’s the most devastating thing to think your child dislikes you so much but doesn’t have the basic humanity to explain so you are left hanging and not understanding what she is thinking, not getting chance to explain/ resolve and going over everything in your head day after day. It’s really really devastating.

Catsmere · 10/04/2023 00:00

Totally reasonable. I cut my father off completely for much less than this.

goodnessgraciousmeagain · 10/04/2023 00:03

It's a very difficult situation but I would be willing to bet that if your parents neglected you, chances are that's the environment they grew up in too. That's not an excuse but maybe an explanation. It seems though that you're the one to break the cycle and that's a good thing!

However personally I'd not go NC as you may well be punishing them for something which although wrong, is a cycle they got caught up in too. However I would limit my contact and have some very firm boundaries in place. NC (for me) is really something that's for the absolute worst of the worst. But that's just me! Everyone is different.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/04/2023 00:05

I think it's ok to cut contact if that's what you want but I don't think it was ok to use them for childcare knowing that they will neglect the child.

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 00:10

A lot of teens seem to be given a lot of leeway to do whatever they want. At least, that was how it seemed to me being ruled with an iron fist as a teen! Everyone else could go out and do things. I was the only one that had to be home by 9, no matter how inconvenient that was for the rest of the group. I think perhaps parents can be held responsible for lack of guidance but choices are the teens own.

I can't say if you are right or wrong to cut off your parents, though I support that sometimes it is the right thing to do. Your parents must have lived very difficult years as well. No-one really wants to live by candlelight, and in such poor circumstances, do they? Changing jobs might not have been a choice. There may be issues going on with your parents you aren't or weren't aware of. They have helped you to get ahead by allowing you at home with your child and helping you position yourself better.

I can't say if you're right or wrong. I don't know the nuances of the situation, but you do have the right to make that choice. They will have their feelings about it. Wouldn't you if your child did the same? I'm no contact with some people, so appreciate why it can be necessary. I've become more forgiving of my parents over the years and I hope my children forgive me my failings. We all have them. Maybe some counselling will help you work through some of your feelings around this issue?

monsteramunch · 10/04/2023 00:18

So, your parents who were poor brought you up even though you were an arsey teenager.

So you don't think their neglectful treatment of her before her teen years is relevant?

She wasn't born a mardy 13 year old.

Angebot · 10/04/2023 00:19

I was dragged up, similar to you. I left and didn't look back; 27 yrs ago.
I've missed having support but other than that glad I didn't bring my kids up around them.
Blood is not always thicker ...

Throwncrumbs · 10/04/2023 00:22

Hopefully one day all you people who think the op has made the right decision by just hearing one side of the story has a child who does this to you.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/04/2023 00:26

Throwncrumbs · 10/04/2023 00:22

Hopefully one day all you people who think the op has made the right decision by just hearing one side of the story has a child who does this to you.

And hopefully all of you who minimise abuse never actually realise how bad it is because I’d never wish it on my worst enemy

NaturalBae · 10/04/2023 00:26

Throwncrumbs · 10/04/2023 00:22

Hopefully one day all you people who think the op has made the right decision by just hearing one side of the story has a child who does this to you.

I’m sure our kids won’t have any need to cut us off, if we’re good parents to them.

Throwncrumbs · 10/04/2023 00:27

Moomoola · 09/04/2023 23:59

As a mum whose daughter is being persuaded to cut contact, id suggest talking to your parents. It might be difficult but there might be misunderstandings and stuff that can be resolved. It’s not fair to just suddenly cut them off without the respect of an explanation. I can tell you it’s the most devastating thing to think your child dislikes you so much but doesn’t have the basic humanity to explain so you are left hanging and not understanding what she is thinking, not getting chance to explain/ resolve and going over everything in your head day after day. It’s really really devastating.

I’m in the same boat, we both worked hard to bring up our kids, they never went without. My son has cold shouldered me since Nov because I called him and his partner out on a horrible comment that was made regarding our side of the family. It is devastating. It’s made me ill.

monsteramunch · 10/04/2023 00:36

@Throwncrumbs

I'm sorry you're going through that.

But the dynamic you describe bears zero resemblance to that of OP, who was brought up in a neglectful environment.

Surely you see the difference?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/04/2023 00:37

My son has cold shouldered me since Nov because I called him and his partner out on a horrible comment that was made regarding our side of the family. It is devastating. It’s made me ill.

And how is that remotely comparable to the OPs situation?

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 00:42

NaturalBae · 10/04/2023 00:26

I’m sure our kids won’t have any need to cut us off, if we’re good parents to them.

Show quote history

That's a bit subjective though. What we can see as good parenting might be resented by our children. Or might not be such good parenting or what our children needed after all. We all just do our best. My parents were good parents on the whole but boy were there some deficits that are not insignificant things. I've tried to do better and my children are very positive about their upbringing, but no way have I got it right every time.

MysteryBelle · 10/04/2023 00:46

Not sure about this one. You should distance yourself from them if you feel the relationship is unsalvageable. At the same time, it might be worth trying to reconcile IF they are willing to listen, apologize, and change their behavior. If you know they won’t ever do that, then ok, cut contact. Most families are nowhere close to perfect and parents make mistakes. Sometimes those ‘mistakes’ are heinous and deliberate physical and sexual abuse, evil.

Your parents were neglectful and everything you mentioned but could come back from that IF they made real efforts now. Sorry you’re going through this, it’s tough because as you say, you only want to have a decent and normal and happy family, as we all do ❤️

MysteryBelle · 10/04/2023 00:53

Meant to add, in the case of heinous physical and sexual abuse and cruel and malicious emotional abuse, then of course cut all contact.

I don’t think any of that applies to your case, so I think I’d try one more time with your parents before cutting them off. You may have already tried so many times. Maybe a letter that says how you feel without blaming them (only because almost every person, unless they have a lot of integrity, when confronted with their behavior will turn on you in self preservation to not admit wrongdoing) and making clear you want a good relationship, could be your last resort before taking that final step.

NaturalBae · 10/04/2023 00:54

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 00:42

That's a bit subjective though. What we can see as good parenting might be resented by our children. Or might not be such good parenting or what our children needed after all. We all just do our best. My parents were good parents on the whole but boy were there some deficits that are not insignificant things. I've tried to do better and my children are very positive about their upbringing, but no way have I got it right every time.

Show quote history

What we’re taking about here is a different level, not what different people would consider good parenting or not.

We’re talking about Emotional, Physical and/or Sexual Abuse that would have children removed from their parents care or at the very least have their child/children put on a Child Protection Plan or Child in Need Plan, if Social Services were aware of the abuse taking place.

NaturalBae · 10/04/2023 00:55

*Including Neglect, which is what the OP has described.

Gregorylass · 10/04/2023 00:57

no food, no gas or electricity in the house.
To be honest, you must be exaggerating. If there was truly no food then you wouldn't be here at all.

Emotionalstorm · 10/04/2023 01:32

I'm very sorry you had such a tough childhood. I don't think you should get hung up on whether it is right or wrong, but whether it is a suitable course of action for you. I'm sure that this wasn't an easy decision and you had your reasons. At the end of the day if the relationship brings out the worst in you and your daughter then it would be appropriate to go NC. Remember to be kind to yourself.

And no I response to a comment above, your children are unlikely to do the same to you if you do right by them.

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 02:27

NaturalBae · 10/04/2023 00:54

What we’re taking about here is a different level, not what different people would consider good parenting or not.

We’re talking about Emotional, Physical and/or Sexual Abuse that would have children removed from their parents care or at the very least have their child/children put on a Child Protection Plan or Child in Need Plan, if Social Services were aware of the abuse taking place.

Show quote history

Yes, have experienced abuse and neglect. Still, was able to take the perspective later that the one parent was unable to do more due to their own mental health issues. This situation would require a lot more analysis. No-one lives this way by choice without some compounding factor. That doesn't mean OP has to forgive, but it might help her understand more. I know, from experience, that can be helpful in releasing some of the hurt.