Am I wrong to cut contact with parents?

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As the title says I have cut contact with my parents.

I don’t want to drip feed but this is a long story so I will try to keep it short.

As a child I was neglected, left to fend for myself, my parents were emotionally and mentally abusive towards me, my father went from job to job so we barely had any money, no food, no gas or electricity in the house. We often ate in the dark or by candlelight. As a child I often felt unloved and would act out to get some sort of attention.

I admit I was an unruly teenager, there was no consequences for my behaviour, I was told I would learn from my own mistakes. There was no push for me to go to school, to get a good job or try and better myself. As a result of no consequences I fell in with a bad crowd, got pregnant as a young teen and couldn’t afford to leave my parents home. So I felt stuck for years.

In recent years I pushed myself to get a better education and I’m now in my final year of my degree, I went to night classes and got a well paying job. I saved every penny I had and moved out. My working hours were odd, I relied on them for childcare so I could start work at 7.30am. I would often have discussions with them about not letting my child do what she wanted, the exact same behaviour as I was child. She would be placed in front of the tv for hours on end and fed McDonald’s, chocolate and just general rubbish. This often fell on deaf ears and they would tell me they could do what they liked.

I found a new job, one that allows me to work from home and around my daughters school hours so no longer rely on them for childcare. This is when I decided to go low contact, see them once or twice a month for around 30/45 minutes. During this time I done some soul searching, I slowly realised that my upbringing and family life wasn’t “normal” and that I needed time to heal. So yes I wouldn’t see them for weeks on end and neither would my child.

Since moving out my child is much better behaved, our relationship has improved greatly and I feel like I can finally be the mother I have always wanted to be. I want her to have a better life, better food and travel the world.

There have been small incidents that I have not paid much attention to, just added to my long list of problems. However, in the last couple of days they have accused my partner of being abusive and controlling. They think he is the one taking me away which is so far from the truth, he has been the one to listen to me, to support me and love me the way I deserve to be loved. He adores my dd and she adores him.

I had a final conversation and told them straight that he is not the source of my problems but they were, it was me that made this decision and that I just wanted peace and happiness. I want a loving family and that was it. Since then I have blocked them on everything and cut all contact. Other family members have since reached out and think I’m wrong as my parents have claimed that time doing this has made them depressed and they feel sad all the time.

Was I wrong? Or did I do the right thing?

Also making the comment for the parents who are insisting they a good parents. Their kids might have a different perspective in 10 years.

@ThinWomansBrain I would say keeping the DC away from her parents is protecting them, they don't sound like they've been very good at looking after her and don't listen to OP regarding how she wants to raise her DC - re read the original post.

I am sure there's a reason your neighbour is estranged from her DGC, no one goes NC for no good reason.

@dottypotter but it is ok to cut off contact from anyone who abuses you? Can you see how that is a good thing to teach - boundaries and self respect? This promotes good self esteem, whereas keeping damaging and toxic relatives around is the opposite and only causes more trauma.

I am pretty sure my children won't do it to me because I am not abusing them or neglecting them, I shower my children in unconditional love everyday, quite the opposite to how I was raised.

It's absolutely true that a family can be in poverty but still love their children and do their best for them. However this is not the case with the OP and social services would have stepped in, eg a small baby being fed and changed by a sibling, plus mental / emotional abuse and neglect, basic needs not being provided for, no support / encouragement or guidance. It's inexcusable.

@Somanycats do you think it's ok to abuse and neglect your children then? Sometimes it takes decades to unravel that mentally.

OP I am glad you got what you needed from them to get yourself out of the situation.

For the first 25 years of my life I was definitely in survival mode, so I understand this.

@Throwncrumbs hopefully everyone on this thread remembers not to be abusive and neglectful to their children

Ask for some boundaries and no contact for 6 months. Then write them a letter explaining everything to them. See if they have the ability to understand why you feel the way you do and respect you and your child now and how you want to live your life. They have to respect your partner too. I have gone BC with one of my siblings it’s hard and I still love them but ultimately if maintaining a relationship is still damaging to you then NC is the only way to protect yourself. Out of interest and being nosey so you don’t need to answer me what degree did you do and what WFH job do you do now? Only asking because I am at a career changing junction in my life and you’ve lived it and are doing so well. If it is too outing no bother though. Hope it all works out for you 👌

BC is NC

But she did try to do "the right" thing? She spoke to her parents and put boundaries in place regarding her DC with explanations which they trounced all over. She then saved up and moved out, and went LC, trying to have boundaries in place and noticed a massive improvement in her DC's behaviour and her relationship with them.

ONLY AFTER all of that did she go no contact.

Op, we'll done. With no guidance or support you managed to pull yourself out of the life that your parents' neglect put you into. That is all you - and your DSis. I do hope the flying monkey isn't your DSis!

If it's anyone else, ask them where THEY were when you were being neglected. Ask them where THEY were when you were sat at home in the dark with next to no food. Ask them where THEY were when you dropped out of school because of no support or boundaries. Tell them that that is exactly where you are now - nowhere to be seen.

Speaking from not identical experience but similar I am now back in contact with my dad having been 20yrs NC. My mother, is on a whole other level !

It appears to me OP that you are in a challenging transitional phase and are really unpicking the neglect, but equally, if not more importantly to your current phase of life, the impact this has had on you as an adult. You are also learning "new ways" in which to parent your own child, whilst trying to heal. You are absolutely correct to maintain boundaries, and no doubt you probably struggle with this having not had them Yourself? LC and taking things slowly and at your pace, is absolutely the right thing, even if that veers close to NC. I felt I had to "reducate" my mother on the areas that were important to me with regards to my children's upbringing that were different to how I had been parented. Sometimes she would scoff at this, telling me that " you can't lead their (kids) life by a book" ( my background was in child /family work!) Other times she was OK, though I struggled myself having her in the mix for extended periods of time! It was like parenting her as well. I do find it slightly amusing these days that I am held up by both parents as some sort of paradym of parenting 😅 as all my children are "well brought up!!" I certainly never had any praise from my father so this is a biggie for me.

My (lack of) relationship with my dad was more difficult in that my children would question me. It was difficult to give reasons, which would allow them to make their own conclusions, as it would still be my side of the story iyswim?

NC - do this if you feel that this is right. Though it is incredibly difficult to come back from this, if you wanted to of course. It does create drama as you have also found.

What about your sister is she not a source of support?

Good luck whatever you decide.

My sister is fully supportive of my decision and she hasn’t spoken to our father in a very long time. She is low contact with our mum. But live nearly 100 miles away. I can rely on her for everything and I would see her as more of a mother to me.

You will never know, some small upset turns into something big when there is injured parties. I never thought it would happen to me!

I wasn’t abusive and neglectful. My other children cannot understand why their sibling has done this and it has caused a rift between them as well.

@Throwncrumbs

I wasn’t abusive and neglectful. My other children cannot understand why their sibling has done this and it has caused a rift between them as well.

I'm sorry you're going through that.

But the situation you describe bears zero resemblance to that of OP, who was brought up in a neglectful environment.

If your child has cut you off unreasonably it doesn't mean that by default, children cutting off their parents is automatically unreasonable.

Your situation doesn't compare to OPs, surely you can see that?

We have only the OPs word for it that her parents were abusive and neglectful. I've known people turn on their parents for no good reason and also kids who really were abused still craving their parents love.

They may have been bad parents when she was a small child but there are always 2 sides to a story. They were there for her throughout difficult teenage years and looked after her child for her. And children who have had a bad infancy are not invariably difficult teenagers - I did and I was not. Children blame other people for their own faults, adults dont.

We have only the OPs word for it that her parents were abusive and neglectful

Its always funny how that comes out on every thread about going NC with parents.

Parents who are wronged and being cut off unfairly are believed, but if you cut your parents off it’s one sided/only get one mum/parenting is difficult.

And people totally fail to see that it’s one of the reasons abusive people get away with things, because getting support to walk away is often nigh on impossible.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings It's interesting you say that. What I've seen is that more children who walk away get sympathy than the parents. People wonder what they did wrong to drive their child to that.

I’ve rarely seen that. Yet the level of abuse that gets “but she’s your mum/you only get one dad” is unreal.

I’ve even had someone explain to me (I have 6 kids) how difficult parenting can be and defending my father who punished my brother by burning his hand with the iron.

Apparently everyone can snap once…

That's not something I would find forgivable. I do get it though. My husband has cut off family. I often find the outsider gets blamed. Wander over to sites with estranged parents if you want to see how often the SIL or DIL gets the blame.

I’m sorry you’re going through that with your children, but I would not compare your situation to the OP’s.

Try talk to your children to find out exactly why they are treating you this way. It sounds like there’s much more to it.

This is an anonymous forum, so you have to take an OP’s post on face value, unless it seems obvious that they may not be telling the truth.

Why would you automatically assume that people would lie about being abused?

Children blame other people for their own faults, adults dont.

That’s nonsense and complete denial of the truth. Of course some adults blame other people for their faults!

Or the “Blood is thicker than water” line is trotted out.

I had an extended family member say this about my Father until he turned on them. They are also NC with him now.

There is a massive issue with child abuse being swept under the carpet. In many cases, other adults are aware of the abuse but are actively choosing not to report it. I also work in this area.

@anyolddinosaur wow you came on here to suggest the OP is lying about her childhood? Crawl back under your rock please

Rule number one of speaking to someone who has suffered from childhood abuse or neglect; believe them, don't minimise it, don't justify it.

Intergenerational trauma can explain it but it doesn't excuse it.

Going NC is not easy, it goes against the grain, it might take years for the adult child to feel comfortable with their choice, for me, I feel like there's something wrong with me, I feel embarrassed I don't have parents, it's very awkward when anyone asks me about them, but I am getting more comfortable explaining that I am NC and for good reason. I always expect it to reflect badly on me, but I am ok with that because peace is more important to me than anything.

It took me until I was late 30s to unpick the level of childhood abuse I suffered. My dad was overtly abusive and so it easier to separate myself from him, after he ruined my wedding it was very easy to block him on every channel. For my mum it's been harder as since early twenties and separating from him, she has been softer but unfortunately since I have had kids the old toxic traits have come back and it's become obvious to me she enabled my father to abuse us all. Her whole life she has been surrounding by narcissistic/ self centred people so if she isn't herself, she certainly has very clear narc traits. I am ultra low contact with her but prob won't completely go NC, she gets bday card and Mother's Day card/flowers, some pics of her grand children she never sees every few months, but I'd never let her stay over my house again, or go to visit her. Neutral places only and very short meet ups if at all. Never speak on the phone or go out my way to contact her. She's so emotionally immature, never ever done any form of self enquiry, and I've done so much work on myself, it's been a real journey and I'm just glad I'm still alive to enjoy it.

My point is the OP was not deceitful in getting childcare or a place to stay, she just didn't have any other option (narc parents don't usually set you up to succeed trust me) and she prob wasn't self aware enough to realise that she was trapped in a dysfunctional family dynamic. It's called being enmeshed.

I think it speaks volume the other sibling is also NC / VLC and fully supportive, this often isn't the case and this shows how overt the neglect / abuse was.

You are still sending out the message that it's OK to cut family off though.
Estrangement is getting more and more common with younger people now so I'd be wary. It might come back and bite you on the bum etc.

Why is sending that message a bad thing?

I would openly tell my children that if someone is physically violent, burns them with an iron or tries to kick their front door down at 4am to cut them off.

Why would you not want your children to feel strong enough to cut off abusive people?

First step to what?

She doesn't owe them a thing and the way they also treated their grandchild shows that.