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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend, No to pretty much everything

96 replies

user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 08:07

AIBU to think I always seem to make friends with the same type of people. Back story, I have few friends, (& at my age its difficult to make new friends, ive tried clubs etc). Over the years I've asked friends to go to theatre, spa days/weekends, breaks aboard for 3, 5 or 7 days. The answers are normally, I don't like spas, I can't leave my partner for that long, it wouldn't be fair. My DH is fine with me going & their partners seem as if they would be as well.

Got to admit it becomes abit tiresome, always getting pushbacks. You do begin to wonder if it's worth the effort.

One friend has a big event coming up soon, where they will expect their friends to show up, (won't be cheap & will involve being away from home), I can already imagine the comments if I say, no sorry, can't make it, (petty I know).

OP posts:
Inthesamesinkingboat · 09/04/2023 09:40

Sorry, just to be clear. You want to do stuff, but they never do. They now want to do something so you are going to say no?

EmmaEmerald · 09/04/2023 09:41

Is it always saying no at their end? I agree, compromise has to kick in somewhere.

do you want to go to this event?

YukoandHiro · 09/04/2023 09:43

These are all very expensive suggestions. Can you suggest much more low key meet ups and see what happens?

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/04/2023 09:45

How old are you? Tbh, at my age I’d rather do those things with my husband. After decades of raising family, we’re finally getting us time again. Could it be the same for your friends? (I’d say no thanks to spas, too).

Aprilx · 09/04/2023 09:46

I think you should try suggesting, lunch or drinks rather than spa breaks. I also think you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you turn the invitation down.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 09/04/2023 09:46

YukoandHiro · 09/04/2023 09:43

These are all very expensive suggestions. Can you suggest much more low key meet ups and see what happens?

This.

If I was asked to go on a holiday, I would want to say yes, but there's no way I could afford it. It's usually the same with a hood theatre show.

AppleCrumbleIceCreamDream · 09/04/2023 09:46

If a friend invited me to do any of what you've suggested my first thought would be the financial hit of it.
What happens if you suggest dinner or a local night out etc?

I had a friend once ask me if I wanted to see Beyonce that night, it was only £100 each, I was very 🙄 and it made me realise she was so in her own bubble without a thought for my circumstances and the friendship fizzled out. I was a single mother on an extremely low income, I couldn't rustle up £100 + travel and a babysitter in 4 hours.

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2023 09:47

It's quite a big ask to want people to give up annual leave or a whole weekend unless for something big, like a wedding.

Maybe start smaller with an evening out ?

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 09:47

Inthesamesinkingboat · 09/04/2023 09:40

Sorry, just to be clear. You want to do stuff, but they never do. They now want to do something so you are going to say no?

No she's saying the other friends will all say no

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/04/2023 09:48

I have friends, but I meet them for coffee, go for walks, out for pizza. Some old friends we stay for a couple of days at each others houses. We stay in touch by message and phone calls. Basically, free or cheap stuff, little and often. I wouldn’t be pissed off if my non-gardening friends didn't want to come on gardening events with me. What do your friends want to do?

herewego9 · 09/04/2023 09:48

People are different. I simply would not holiday without my husband and children - plenty do which is fine obvs but sounds like your friends are more like me.

PrinceHaz · 09/04/2023 09:50

The only thing I ever suggest is breakfast or a walk, unless we’re really close friends.
Breakfast because it’s cheaper and gives them the rest of the day for their day off.

SlashBeef · 09/04/2023 09:50

Do you also suggest low key local things? I wouldn't go away for weekends or spas with friends I wasn't particularly close to.

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 09:51

SlashBeef · 09/04/2023 09:50

Do you also suggest low key local things? I wouldn't go away for weekends or spas with friends I wasn't particularly close to.

This is a good point. You've got to do the small stuff and build up a relationship before you do the big stuff.

Baldieheid · 09/04/2023 09:51

I'd say no because of the cost. A special event is different and I'd try to scrape funds together, but just a random trip for no other reason than fun is, sadly, out of my reach.

I'd meet for a meal, a day exploring art galleries or museums, or a class of some description. Something that didn't involve night's away from home.

3luckystars · 09/04/2023 09:56

Ao you only want friends that go on holidays with you?
I don’t go on holidays with my friends, I go with my family and would have no interest in going away for a night (or more) with a friend. Ever.

if you just want company on holidays then that’s different, and not a friends job to do that with you.

Fleabea · 09/04/2023 09:59

In addition to the cost of going away, it is also the cost of using up annual leave. If they have partners and children then their annual leave is probably already earmarked for their holidays or childcare etc.

Suggest lunch or a drink

shakeitoffsis · 09/04/2023 10:00

Don't spite yourself by missing out.

Sodd · 09/04/2023 10:02

I love going away with friends but we do it on the cheap and for shorter periods

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 10:05

Hmm I’m not sure. It really depends.

People saying no to expensive or long events that they don’t ask you to do is perfectly acceptable.

However, if the same people say no to things you suggest, but they then get huffy if you don’t do with them they are being unfair.

Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 10:07

AppleCrumbleIceCreamDream · 09/04/2023 09:46

If a friend invited me to do any of what you've suggested my first thought would be the financial hit of it.
What happens if you suggest dinner or a local night out etc?

I had a friend once ask me if I wanted to see Beyonce that night, it was only £100 each, I was very 🙄 and it made me realise she was so in her own bubble without a thought for my circumstances and the friendship fizzled out. I was a single mother on an extremely low income, I couldn't rustle up £100 + travel and a babysitter in 4 hours.

We can both afford it & the friend would go if they were single, but when new BF is on scene, it becomes no, no, no. I get then it's a love thing, but a friend should be for life, not just when single. And yes I understand the BF becomes more important and rightly so. Its more about the feeling of being used.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 10:08

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2023 09:47

It's quite a big ask to want people to give up annual leave or a whole weekend unless for something big, like a wedding.

Maybe start smaller with an evening out ?

We already do those sort of things.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2023 10:09

I agree that the things you are asking to do are expensive, and require a lot of time spent together. Why not just do lunch, dinner and drinks, theatre or comedy show, a walk and coffee, a food fair or local event? These things take less effort and are easy to say yes to.

Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 10:09

Yes, we do low keys things, we are Best friends

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2023 10:09

We already do those sort of things.

Well then they aren't saying no to "pretty much everything" at all.