Friend, No to pretty much everything

[user1485851222]

AIBU to think I always seem to make friends with the same type of people. Back story, I have few friends, (& at my age its difficult to make new friends, ive tried clubs etc). Over the years I've asked friends to go to theatre, spa days/weekends, breaks aboard for 3, 5 or 7 days. The answers are normally, I don't like spas, I can't leave my partner for that long, it wouldn't be fair. My DH is fine with me going & their partners seem as if they would be as well.

Got to admit it becomes abit tiresome, always getting pushbacks. You do begin to wonder if it's worth the effort.

One friend has a big event coming up soon, where they will expect their friends to show up, (won't be cheap & will involve being away from home), I can already imagine the comments if I say, no sorry, can't make it, (petty I know).

I wouldn't want to go away for a long period of time even with a close friend. I'd find it exhausting being with the same person for a week, apart from my husband or child.

Oblomov23... I'm realising that, lol. Seems I might be weird or expecting to much to want a girlie weekend etc... it doesn't seem weird to me & my point was, they are up for it when single, but not when in a relationship.. I don't see why you can't do both, if we can afford it, which we can... enjoy your breaks

They are up for it when single as they don't have a partner to go away with. If they don't go away with friends when single, they would wind up never going away. When they have partners, they do all their hols/concerts etc with their partner, so they have no need for friends.

If they did both, hols with friends and again with partner it would cost a lot in terms of time, leave etc. They are prioritising their relationships and don't want to be away from their house/partner for long. It sounds like they are 'using' their friends for going places when they have no partner. IME a lot of women are like that and it is easier to accepr them and reduce expectations of them.

This sort of things are an occasion thing I think? So yup I’ve been away with friends to a spa/ girls trip but it’ll be for a big birthday/ hen do / wedding etc . I couldn’t afford or warrant the time off work (trying to cover 14 weeks school holidays with 7/8 weeks a/o is just tricky) very often. I’ve been away 3 x with friends/ family without my children / husband in 10 years. That was with really old friends/ with my mum and sister. So like others say these are expensive things you do with people you really know well……. Pre children/ marriage maybe a different story 🤷‍♀️ And yup with friends I tend to go for a meal/ drink/ food in etc

I think you maybe need to suggest more budget friendly or family friendly options as alternatives for a compromise. You can still see your friends and they don’t have to leave the kids for extended times

You are even lucky to get your friends to go out for an evening. I have friends of 30 years. Mainly we keep in contact by meeting for lunch in town on a work day or coffee at 6pm after work. We live 10 miles outside town in different directions. Dinner out is an earlybird a few times a year and home at 9pm. I am satisfied with this as I wotk fulltime, early 50s and have tweens.

One friend has a big event coming up soon, where they will expect their friends to show up, (won't be cheap & will involve being away from home), I can already imagine the comments if I say, no sorry, can't make it, (petty I know).

OP, it sounds like you are going to say yes to their event? It wouldn’t be petty to say no.

Why do you treat them like a priority and allow them to treat you as an option?

Take back some power and say you can’t go as it wouldn’t be fair to leave DH on his own.

I am a friend who always says no to these things. I don’t have a partner but my idea of hell is a spa weekend and I just don’t want to go away with friends when I can barely afford to take my kids away.

I like meeting for coffee out and at each others houses and sometimes an evening out, that’s the kind of friendship dates I like.

@Divorcedalongtime but would you also expect your friends to say yes to things you arrange?

YABU. These are all (very) expensive suggestions, and you say that your friends are okay with low key outings, so that seems fine to me. I'm sorry, but 3 days abroad, never mind 7, is going to cost a lot, and if I'm spending that kind of money I'd want it to be on my terms. I wouldn't be quite so blunt with a friend, though, so I'd go for an excuse like your friends seem to be doing. However, there shouldn't be pressure put on you to attend their expensive outings.

I didn't realise before this thread that I am a friend who says no a lot.

A walk, lunch, couple of drinks, local comedy club, coffee and cake, an afternoon shopping perhaps tend to be a yes, but whole weekends, holidays, even days out and overnights really, I probably routinely would say no to.

Concerts and theatre etc will depend on the price and nearness.

Just as I wouldn't have a dessert if there was nothing on the menu I was really excited about, I wouldn't go to see something I didn't care about just to be companionable.

If I thought about spending £100 to go and see P!nk plus travel and food etc I'd immediately think that that kind of money could pay for a nice day out for the whole family.

I think I view it as taking time and money away from my husband and children.

Sorry quoted wrong post!

Same.

I do it for the big events, the weddings, the really big birthdays, I did all the bloody hellish hen weekends.

But I don't want to just do it all the time.

I don't have the spare money or the spare time.

(And if I do I want to spend it with my husband (and/or kids)

Like others have said, once you have a family holiday and try and cover some of the school holidays to save on childcare who has any annual leave left?!

It may also be a factor that my husband is away a lot for work so when he's home I don't want to be a passing ship in the hallway going out with my suitcase as he walks in with his.

I'm also an introvert who needs downtime away from people.

None of this feels particularly unreasonable...

Perhaps you need to make friends with single women, women with no children, golf widows, wives of football season ticket holders, or wives of men who travel for their hobbies who might see things more like you do? @user1485851222

To clarify... all children on both sides, grown up & have left home. They may seem like expensive suggestions, but I have previously stated, that they suggest trips like this when they are single, or their partner has planned something with their mates. Hence me feeling abit used.... I equally suggest, walks, coffee etc..... I'm not demanding permanently 1-on-1 time, or anything they wouldn't suggest if single.

If they want to do them when their partner is busy but never say yes when anyone else suggests it then it is rude.

I think weekends away and spa breaks are a fairly big ask even if you have the money and a supportive and capable DH/DP. I earn good money by national standards and my DD is 12 and I have done this only a handful of times. It’s not only the money it’s the logistics, the time away from children, the incursion into annual leave, managing the cost alongside other expenditure.

Reasonable to propose as an aspiration and plan for, fine to suggest, not reasonable to expect friends to do this at the drop of a hat and get the hump if they can’t.

You feel used because you are being used.

Don't be guilt tripped into attending their expensive event, that would be madness.

I agree with you OP! However, some people are like that. My mum (she's only late 50s) has NEVER been anywhere without my dad and never will. I worry about her if she outlives my dad, her circle is so small. They have a great relationship but entirely codependent. Actually, now I think about it, dad has never been anywhere without her either.