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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend, No to pretty much everything

96 replies

user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 08:07

AIBU to think I always seem to make friends with the same type of people. Back story, I have few friends, (& at my age its difficult to make new friends, ive tried clubs etc). Over the years I've asked friends to go to theatre, spa days/weekends, breaks aboard for 3, 5 or 7 days. The answers are normally, I don't like spas, I can't leave my partner for that long, it wouldn't be fair. My DH is fine with me going & their partners seem as if they would be as well.

Got to admit it becomes abit tiresome, always getting pushbacks. You do begin to wonder if it's worth the effort.

One friend has a big event coming up soon, where they will expect their friends to show up, (won't be cheap & will involve being away from home), I can already imagine the comments if I say, no sorry, can't make it, (petty I know).

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 10:10

ImAvingOops · 09/04/2023 09:47

It's quite a big ask to want people to give up annual leave or a whole weekend unless for something big, like a wedding.

Maybe start smaller with an evening out ?

We do evening things, I just fancied something different

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 10:11

YukoandHiro · 09/04/2023 09:43

These are all very expensive suggestions. Can you suggest much more low key meet ups and see what happens?

We do low keys meet ups, just fancied something further afield

OP posts:
Drywhitefruitycidergin · 09/04/2023 10:11

It depends on their circumstances.
A weekend at a spa is very different from pizza in town on a friday night or a Sunday afternoon walk in the woods.
Maybe they can't afford it, maybe they're not comfortable leaving partner that long, maybe they have full on lives and don't want to commit to extra things.

If you want to go to their event it would be silly to say no out of principle/in retaliation for something that they don't even realise is an issue.

JamonEverybody · 09/04/2023 10:13

I'd say no to those things too, because they're very expensive.

In theory I could afford it, but it would impact me not being able to afford other things that I'd prefer to do.

Baldieheid · 09/04/2023 10:14

Is it that you want to go to these particular places and don't want to go solo? if so, there's loads of holiday companies that put together trips for groups of solo travellers.

If you just want to go somewhere, anywhere, with these particular friends, then you'll have to accept their limits.

WelshNerd · 09/04/2023 10:15

My longest standing friends are all married homebody types and I know there's no chance in hell I'll get them to agree to a night away. So we meet up at children's activities or, sometimes, I can coax them out to the shit pub that's 5 minutes from their house. We always enjoy each others company.

I think you've just got to accept that people have different priorities and there's no right or wrong.

Bunnichick · 09/04/2023 10:16

If you're good friends why don't you know what the enjoy ie I know which of my friends would enjoy the theatre, spa breaks etc.

pollykitty · 09/04/2023 10:16

I’ll go with you OP!

SquigglyGum · 09/04/2023 10:21

I don't like going away with mates so much anymore, I get so little time with dh and kids and I don't love finding out about things that niggle which inevitably happen when you're with a friend for 36 hours. No need for that stuff at my age (40s). Maybe your friends are like me!

Hercisback · 09/04/2023 10:23

I'd say no, those things are expensive.

How do you know she can afford them?

She may want to save for something, holiday, house etc.

Bunnyhair · 09/04/2023 10:43

I don’t get how you feel used by a friend not coming in holidays and spa breaks with you. This is bizarre.

I also would not be keen to go away with someone who felt entitled to my company on activities of their choosing because ‘friends are for life’. 😳 That would feel really suffocating to me.

LlynTegid · 09/04/2023 10:45

Painful as it can be, some long term friendships can reduce, end, or just become different. This could be one.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/04/2023 10:48

I love my friends but couldn't go on holiday with any of them. After a few hours, I've had enough and want a break from them. Nothing personal, most people are irritating after a while, myself included, and I can only holiday/spa break with people where unconditional love comes into play (i.e. DH/family) and I can be myself 24/7. I stopped going away with friends after my 20s, and we're definitely all a lot more irritating/irritable now we're older. Meet-ups for coffee/chats are ideal. We do go to shows/films but it is expensive these days so can understand others cutting back on those things. I've even ended up paying for friends' dinners sometimes as they can't afford a nice meal out now.

MrsDukeOfHastings · 09/04/2023 10:53

I have a friend like this and tbh it's kind of put me off.
When we first met we had a similar situation in that we were in a new area and wanted to get out and Socialise more, we would make plans and she would cancel. At first I could put it all down to unexpected pop ups etc but now, a year later, I find there's always an excuse.

I've really stopped asking as much and it's a bit exhausting when you want to just get out and do something and the other person makes all the noises and then it doesn't happen. Even small things like going for a walk etc......

I don't get it personally and it used to annoy me but now it is what it is, I just know plans with her are unlikely to happen.

slashlover · 09/04/2023 11:14

A lot of my friends are married with young kids and can't go away for the weekend etc. We do one night out with a stay in a Premier Inn (love a PI) maybe twice per year and we have lunches or nights out/in but I know there's no way they'd want to go away for 3 or more days. If they're going on holiday then it's obviously going to be with their family.

I'm planning to go away by myself this year, can't wait.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:18

I’m not sure I could ever be mates with such saps who infantilise their DHs. I remember going on a work trip for 3 nights and some women were fucking batch cooking for their Nigel’s. Pathetic.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:19

slashlover · 09/04/2023 11:14

A lot of my friends are married with young kids and can't go away for the weekend etc. We do one night out with a stay in a Premier Inn (love a PI) maybe twice per year and we have lunches or nights out/in but I know there's no way they'd want to go away for 3 or more days. If they're going on holiday then it's obviously going to be with their family.

I'm planning to go away by myself this year, can't wait.

Are they all single mums?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:20

Sorry just seen you said married so obviously aren’t single mums 🤦🏼‍♀️ well then they CAN go away. The reality is their lazy DHs don’t want to look after the kids solely for too long so don’t ‘let’ them.

borntobequiet · 09/04/2023 11:21

Just go by yourself.

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 11:23

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:20

Sorry just seen you said married so obviously aren’t single mums 🤦🏼‍♀️ well then they CAN go away. The reality is their lazy DHs don’t want to look after the kids solely for too long so don’t ‘let’ them.

Or they don't want to leave their families or spend money on breaks that could be better used treating their families?

slashlover · 09/04/2023 11:23

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:20

Sorry just seen you said married so obviously aren’t single mums 🤦🏼‍♀️ well then they CAN go away. The reality is their lazy DHs don’t want to look after the kids solely for too long so don’t ‘let’ them.

They can but they'd rather spend their time off from work/money with their family rather than their friends. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Shocking, I know. The last time we went to a concert it was one of their lazy DHs who suggested we stay rather than travel back and then paid for the room but ok.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:24

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 11:23

Or they don't want to leave their families or spend money on breaks that could be better used treating their families?

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Well it’s a shame they don’t value treating themselves. I bet their DHs go on plenty of lads weekends

BellePeppa · 09/04/2023 11:28

Unless you’re young with no commitments you’re asking what I’d consider really big things that take money and organisation. I normally just do a cuppa round mine (or their’s), one friend likes to go for a walk. In the future when it’s only me I need to think about I’d probably be a lot more open to doing the bigger stuff.

slashlover · 09/04/2023 11:29

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:24

Well it’s a shame they don’t value treating themselves. I bet their DHs go on plenty of lads weekends

Show quote history

Nope. Why are you so insistent that their DHs must be abusive?

readbooksdrinktea · 09/04/2023 11:33

JamonEverybody · 09/04/2023 10:13

I'd say no to those things too, because they're very expensive.

In theory I could afford it, but it would impact me not being able to afford other things that I'd prefer to do.

Exactly this. I wouldn't want to spend all that money either.