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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend, No to pretty much everything

96 replies

user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 08:07

AIBU to think I always seem to make friends with the same type of people. Back story, I have few friends, (& at my age its difficult to make new friends, ive tried clubs etc). Over the years I've asked friends to go to theatre, spa days/weekends, breaks aboard for 3, 5 or 7 days. The answers are normally, I don't like spas, I can't leave my partner for that long, it wouldn't be fair. My DH is fine with me going & their partners seem as if they would be as well.

Got to admit it becomes abit tiresome, always getting pushbacks. You do begin to wonder if it's worth the effort.

One friend has a big event coming up soon, where they will expect their friends to show up, (won't be cheap & will involve being away from home), I can already imagine the comments if I say, no sorry, can't make it, (petty I know).

OP posts:
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:36

slashlover · 09/04/2023 11:29

Nope. Why are you so insistent that their DHs must be abusive?

Show quote history

Why are you making things up? I didn’t say that. I said they’re lazy.

readbooksdrinktea · 09/04/2023 11:38

"Friends should be for life"?

Not necessarily. People change, get new priorities, etc. That's a suffocating attitude. Besides, it reads like you do plenty with them. No one is entitled to anyone else's time. Ease up expectations.

slashlover · 09/04/2023 11:38

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:36

Why are you making things up? I didn’t say that. I said they’re lazy.

Show quote history

You said this

The reality is their lazy DHs don’t want to look after the kids solely for too long so don’t ‘let’ them.

Which implies abuse and coercive control. Why are you insistent that it's on the DHs because my friends don't have the money/time to do both and prioritise their family?

GoodChat · 09/04/2023 11:40

Well it’s a shame they don’t value treating themselves.

It's not necessarily a treat if it's something that's going to make them feel guilty or cause them stress or financial struggles.

Summerfun54321 · 09/04/2023 11:43

If a best friend needs to be consistently available then that's a big ask. It's totally fair and reasonable for you not to be their priority while they have an exciting new boyfriend on the scene. It sounds like you need to widen your social circle and be less reliant on a single or couple of "best friends". I personally would hate this level of expectation from a friend.

BubziOwl · 09/04/2023 12:11

I could afford those things you suggested OP, but I simply prefer to prioritise my money towards my family 🤷‍♀️

For a big event I may feel inclined to scrape the money together. But I'm not going away on random spa days or breaks without my family, it's just not what I want to do with our hard-earned cash.

You say your friends meet you for lunch and other low key events. Why isn't this enough? Friends aren't obligated to be your company for everything you fancy doing

EmmaEmerald · 09/04/2023 12:41

Summerfun54321 · 09/04/2023 11:43

If a best friend needs to be consistently available then that's a big ask. It's totally fair and reasonable for you not to be their priority while they have an exciting new boyfriend on the scene. It sounds like you need to widen your social circle and be less reliant on a single or couple of "best friends". I personally would hate this level of expectation from a friend.

Interesting
I'd always ditch the ones who vanish because new boyf.

i'm not sure the OP is really talking about the issue in the OP, sounds more like a "reliable friend" issue.

northeasrer · 09/04/2023 12:43

Are you asking for too much too soon? I have a friend like that.

Have you tried established groups already?

FarmGirl78 · 09/04/2023 12:44

YukoandHiro · 09/04/2023 09:43

These are all very expensive suggestions. Can you suggest much more low key meet ups and see what happens?

This. If someone suggested the theatre, a spa break or weekend away for 3 days I'd make excuses and say no. If someone suggested breakfast in a local cosy cafe or tea at a local curryhouse for a catch up I'd be there like a shot. I want to see my friends for the catch up, not the experience or event.

Merangutan · 09/04/2023 12:55

I’d say no to all of those things because I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 18:40

Bunnyhair · 09/04/2023 10:43

I don’t get how you feel used by a friend not coming in holidays and spa breaks with you. This is bizarre.

I also would not be keen to go away with someone who felt entitled to my company on activities of their choosing because ‘friends are for life’. 😳 That would feel really suffocating to me.

Maybe used is the wrong word. Friend suggests things I say yes, I suggest things of equal cost & it's no. They tend to suggest things when their partner is doing things, I.e. football, friends etc. Friends for life comment was said, tongue in cheek.

When did I say I felt entitled to their company. More along the lines of fed up of knockbacks, but expected to get available for them. If I do things with other friends, they get annoyed, hurt and jealous

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 18:43

Bunnichick · 09/04/2023 10:16

If you're good friends why don't you know what the enjoy ie I know which of my friends would enjoy the theatre, spa breaks etc.

They enjoy all the things I suggest, they suggest thr same, when their BF isn't around & expect me to be available.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 19:07

I have friends and we go on a 4 day long weekend trip to a European city, once a year. And a 3 day'er to Dorset once a year aswell. Have done for the last 10 years. So clearly you've got the wrong friends.

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 19:10

I also go overnight to say Bath with my best friend. And also go overnight with my friend from school. So it clearly depends on your friends.

I also went on 3 holidays abroad with the football mums. The football dads also went ok theirs.

On mn barely anyone spends any time with any friends. So you won't get many responses like mine I suspect.

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 19:14

This thread is full of people saying they'd prioritise their family. Or they couldn't afford it. But a large % of mn posters are high earners, so many posters could afford it. I am very average, we earn ok as a household, not huge earners. I only work party time, and I can afford it. So i'm surprised to see so many posts regarding this of people saying that they can't afford it.

Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 20:11

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 19:07

I have friends and we go on a 4 day long weekend trip to a European city, once a year. And a 3 day'er to Dorset once a year aswell. Have done for the last 10 years. So clearly you've got the wrong friends.

Sounds lovely... enjoy..... maybe I'll tag along next time,, (joking)

OP posts:
GoodChat · 09/04/2023 20:12

Oblomov23 · 09/04/2023 19:14

This thread is full of people saying they'd prioritise their family. Or they couldn't afford it. But a large % of mn posters are high earners, so many posters could afford it. I am very average, we earn ok as a household, not huge earners. I only work party time, and I can afford it. So i'm surprised to see so many posts regarding this of people saying that they can't afford it.

To be fair there aren't that many responses - plenty of people could afford it but plenty more couldn't.

I could afford it but couldn't justify it.

Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 20:18

To answer a few comments. Their OH isn't abusive. They can afford to do the things I suggest. As mentioned if their were single, they would take me up on the suggestions or suggest the same things themselves.

My point was, we are both in long term relationships, I'm married, they now live with their other half. We can both afford to do these things, no debts, mortgages etc. They are up for them when single. Both enjoy them, they love spa weekends. But if I do something with another friend, they throw a wobbly and won't talk for s couple of days.

Lovely friend, but it does seem a bit one sided at the moment.

I only have a few friends & at my age it's a struggle to make new ones, no groups to join etc by me.

Thanks for all your inputs maybe it's just me having a low day....

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 20:19

Bunnichick · 09/04/2023 10:16

If you're good friends why don't you know what the enjoy ie I know which of my friends would enjoy the theatre, spa breaks etc.

They enjoy what I suggest, otherwise I wouldn't suggest them, as I would know it would be a waste of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 20:20

pollykitty · 09/04/2023 10:16

I’ll go with you OP!

Thank you 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 20:23

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:18

I’m not sure I could ever be mates with such saps who infantilise their DHs. I remember going on a work trip for 3 nights and some women were fucking batch cooking for their Nigel’s. Pathetic.

I know everyone is different.. I'm married, love hubby, do majority of things with him, but occasionally I would like a girlie trip.. hubby is fine with that, his response is, you can afford it, you have the time, go and have fun. He even suggests places. No batch cooking here for him, he would think that's weird, TBF, he's a better cook than me....

OP posts:
Original poster
user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 20:25

slashlover · 09/04/2023 11:38

You said this

The reality is their lazy DHs don’t want to look after the kids solely for too long so don’t ‘let’ them.

Which implies abuse and coercive control. Why are you insistent that it's on the DHs because my friends don't have the money/time to do both and prioritise their family?

Show quote history

Their family is all grown up and no longer live at home.

No one is abusive or being abused

OP posts:
slashlover · 09/04/2023 20:30

user1485851222 · 09/04/2023 20:25

Their family is all grown up and no longer live at home.

No one is abusive or being abused

Show quote history

PP was replying to my comments about my friends and was implying their DHs were controlling them.

user1471554720 · 09/04/2023 20:36

I would think that your friends and a lot of the posters here have 'a friendshio of convenience' This is not a bad thing as long as all parties know where they stand and do not expect too much.

A share of people have husbands and adult children to do concerts, hols, theatre with. Therefore they just want friends to 'hang around with' talk to when going on walks, coffee etc. They want to prioritise spending time and money on their families and see friends as unimportant. This is not a criticism, it is just the way some people are.

Widen your circle, maybe to include single people, who may be up for going places.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/04/2023 23:10

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · Today 11:20
Sorry just seen you said married so obviously aren’t single mums 🤦🏼‍♀️ well then they CAN go away. The reality is their lazy DHs don’t want to look after the kids solely for too long so don’t ‘let’ them.”

Or maybe, just maybe, the would rather spend their free time with their family. As I would 🤷‍♀️