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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to tell friend to stop spouting religion at me?!

87 replies

4GodSake · 08/04/2023 22:34

I have a very good friend who happens to have found religion about 5 years ago, she's married to a man she met at the church she attends and seems very happy which is great!

My issue is she will mention things to me when I see her sometimes, say she's prayed for me, send me messages with videos of sermons or links to social media posts about finding Jesus ect

She doesn't do this ALL the time I admit, just occasionally but I don't know why I just feel offended almost when she does it? She knows I'm not interested, I've told her before I struggle with the idea of religion and there being a God and that I personally don't believe in it.

AIBU to want her to just respect that and accept she's not going to change my mind with a YouTube video? AIBU to be insulted that she won't just accept what I believe in the same way I have her? I don't send her links to atheist speakers, for example, I don't see what the difference is.

Would I be unreasonable to rock the boat about this given that it's not super frequent but does piss me off when it happens?

OP posts:
Friendofdennis · 08/04/2023 22:42

Well if she believes in Jesus as Saviour then she would see it as her responsibility to let you in on the good news. She would also believe in heaven and hell and wants you to go up rather than down. If she didn’t occasionally mention God to you then she would be showing that she couldn’t care less about you.

Suetcrust · 08/04/2023 22:46

I don’t know wherein the answer lies. Our hearts rule our head in relationships and friendships don’t they.

I had a friend of many many years who would ram her “rare illness” into her social media page all the time. It was very tedious and in conversation face to face it became very attention seeking. It became utterly boring especially as it didnt seem to stop her doing absolutely anything she chose to do.

She was a dear friend but in the end her version of hypochondria drove us apart.

With a very heavy heart, for my own equilibrium, I had to drop her. In your situation if nothing else, you might want to distance yourself and go “grey rock” if you just can’t bring yourself to terminate altogether?

Exhibity · 08/04/2023 22:47

I'd be pissed off too , I'd ask her to stop and if she keeps doing it , I'd distance myself from her.

4GodSake · 08/04/2023 22:49

Honestly part of me just wants to passive aggressively respond with links of my own, maybe that Tim Minchin song? HaloGrin but I wouldn't do that because I don't want to offend what she believes. Just wish she would do the same. I don't want "saving".

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 08/04/2023 22:50

I think it's reasonable to ask her not to send videos etc. tell her you know you can come to her with questions if you have them but prefer not to have the religion pushed at you.

But as a Christian myself I can say she's not gonna stop prying for you. Try not to get offended when she says it. It's a bit like saying she was thinking of you? It's not a bad thing

JanglyBeads · 08/04/2023 22:51

I'd suggest asking her not to do it.

JanglyBeads · 08/04/2023 22:51

(Not to send you things)

Magenta82 · 08/04/2023 22:52

You've told her you struggle with the idea of religion but have you asked her not to talk to you about it?
Some people would hear that as you saying you are open to persuasion.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/04/2023 22:54

I don't want to offend what she believes. Just wish she would do the same

Then that's exactly what I'd say to her - nicely of course, but I'd say it all the same

ApplesandPares · 08/04/2023 22:54

Friendofdennis · 08/04/2023 22:42

Well if she believes in Jesus as Saviour then she would see it as her responsibility to let you in on the good news. She would also believe in heaven and hell and wants you to go up rather than down. If she didn’t occasionally mention God to you then she would be showing that she couldn’t care less about you.

When you say good news, are you thinking that believing people go to hell if they don’t believe, and sharing that with them is good news, or bad news?

Magenta82 · 08/04/2023 22:55

PurpleBugz · 08/04/2023 22:50

I think it's reasonable to ask her not to send videos etc. tell her you know you can come to her with questions if you have them but prefer not to have the religion pushed at you.

But as a Christian myself I can say she's not gonna stop prying for you. Try not to get offended when she says it. It's a bit like saying she was thinking of you? It's not a bad thing

Do you not think it is presumptuous to pray for someone who has asked you not to? Surely you shouldn't be going against their wishes, which is bad enough, but even worse to tell them you are doing it and so force the issue.

4GodSake · 08/04/2023 22:56

Magenta82 · 08/04/2023 22:52

You've told her you struggle with the idea of religion but have you asked her not to talk to you about it?
Some people would hear that as you saying you are open to persuasion.

No it was said very much in the sense of struggling with the idea of religion because I think a lot of it is toxic bullshit which causes so so many issues in the world/history and therefore I don't want any part in it also that it makes absolutely zero sense to me personally. I don't feel I've ever left any room for doubt in our brief discussions about my lack of faith.

OP posts:
4GodSake · 08/04/2023 22:57

PurpleBugz · 08/04/2023 22:50

I think it's reasonable to ask her not to send videos etc. tell her you know you can come to her with questions if you have them but prefer not to have the religion pushed at you.

But as a Christian myself I can say she's not gonna stop prying for you. Try not to get offended when she says it. It's a bit like saying she was thinking of you? It's not a bad thing

If she wants to privately pray for me then I can't stop her. But just don't tell me about it

OP posts:
4GodSake · 08/04/2023 22:58

Like if I joined a satanic cult tomorrow she couldn't stop me praying to Lucifer about her but I'm sure she wouldn't want to know.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 08/04/2023 23:00

I think you need to tell her honestly and calmly that you would like her to stop. However she won't so perhaps distance yourself and find other friends.

Magenta82 · 08/04/2023 23:01

4GodSake · 08/04/2023 22:58

Like if I joined a satanic cult tomorrow she couldn't stop me praying to Lucifer about her but I'm sure she wouldn't want to know.

Exactly my point!
I'd be so tempted to tell her that I was doing exactly that OP!

sadieshavingashindig · 08/04/2023 23:02

Just say "alright Dot Cotton" every time she does it until it pisses her off so much she never tries it with you again.

Exhibity · 08/04/2023 23:04

Why should a person have to 'try not to be offended' ?
Stop the offensive behaviour and they won't have to.

StillMedusa · 08/04/2023 23:04

I'd be very tempted to send her 'Thank you God' Grin (I love Tim Minchin!) but that wouldn't be kind.
I think, if she's a good friend, I'd be honest and say, look I value our friendship but please stop sending me links and videos as I am not going to change my mind (and then send her Tim....)

4GodSake · 08/04/2023 23:09

StillMedusa · 08/04/2023 23:04

I'd be very tempted to send her 'Thank you God' Grin (I love Tim Minchin!) but that wouldn't be kind.
I think, if she's a good friend, I'd be honest and say, look I value our friendship but please stop sending me links and videos as I am not going to change my mind (and then send her Tim....)

I wonder how Sam's mum is 😀

OP posts:
howdoesatoastermaketoast · 08/04/2023 23:14

OP I do not think you are being unreasonable and I like you but it bugs me that you're going to hell is an awkward vibe to be getting from a friend - I do however have a little experience in this area I can share. Let's call it a thought experiment you can share with your friend

We're going to be dividing the world into two categories I like the terms abstract and concrete, but what I might call abstract you (which is to say your friend) might prefer to call spiritual and material.

  1. you're sitting on a chair in a pub in front of you is a table and on the table you have some beer, in a glass.

The beer, the glass it's in, the table the glass is sitting on, the chair you're sitting on these are concrete, material things and there are certain questions that we can ask (and answer) about concrete / material things.

Things like what does it weigh? how dense is it? what is it's temperature? what is it's chemical composition / molecular structure? Material things are made of elements that appear on the periodic table.

But there are other things too, abstract concepts invented by people, but which may be profoundly impactful on the way someone lives their life. I'm talking about things like love justice honour beauty. People are capable of having profound relationships with abstract concepts. An artist, penniless spending their money on paint not food whilst they obsess over getting their picture just so could be said to have a profound relationship with beauty.

A lawyer might have a profound relationship with justice.

You can't weigh justice or write down the chemical formula of honour but these things are still incredibly real to people even though they aren't equally important to everyone.

You can't ask how much God weighs, it isn't the right sort of question. You can't use a thermometer to take a temperature reading of God, you can't write down the chemical formular or say what atoms he's made of because those aren't the right sorts of questions to ask about God.

People have worshipped hundreds of Gods that we know about and the range and variation in the Gods and Goddesses is much much wider than the range and variation in the people that worshipped them, which is enough to convince me that people invent Gods not vice versa. But just because God isn't real in the same way as the pint of beer or the beer glass or the table is real, doesn't mean he's not real at all. God's real in the same way as love, honour, justice, fairness and beauty are real.

Some people work for a pittance trying to get innocent people on death row acquitted, some people take holy orders and live a life of religious prayer and seclusion. Whilst these things might be abstract concepts that only live within the minds of humans it doesn't mean they aren't real or profound to people and capable of having a dramatic impact on how they live their life.

In short by all means talk to God but if he starts to talk back seek professional help.

MrsDoylesDoily · 08/04/2023 23:19

Friendofdennis · 08/04/2023 22:42

Well if she believes in Jesus as Saviour then she would see it as her responsibility to let you in on the good news. She would also believe in heaven and hell and wants you to go up rather than down. If she didn’t occasionally mention God to you then she would be showing that she couldn’t care less about you.

That's a shit excuse.

No need to push it onto anyone.

Exhibity · 08/04/2023 23:22

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 08/04/2023 23:14

OP I do not think you are being unreasonable and I like you but it bugs me that you're going to hell is an awkward vibe to be getting from a friend - I do however have a little experience in this area I can share. Let's call it a thought experiment you can share with your friend

We're going to be dividing the world into two categories I like the terms abstract and concrete, but what I might call abstract you (which is to say your friend) might prefer to call spiritual and material.

  1. you're sitting on a chair in a pub in front of you is a table and on the table you have some beer, in a glass.

The beer, the glass it's in, the table the glass is sitting on, the chair you're sitting on these are concrete, material things and there are certain questions that we can ask (and answer) about concrete / material things.

Things like what does it weigh? how dense is it? what is it's temperature? what is it's chemical composition / molecular structure? Material things are made of elements that appear on the periodic table.

But there are other things too, abstract concepts invented by people, but which may be profoundly impactful on the way someone lives their life. I'm talking about things like love justice honour beauty. People are capable of having profound relationships with abstract concepts. An artist, penniless spending their money on paint not food whilst they obsess over getting their picture just so could be said to have a profound relationship with beauty.

A lawyer might have a profound relationship with justice.

You can't weigh justice or write down the chemical formula of honour but these things are still incredibly real to people even though they aren't equally important to everyone.

You can't ask how much God weighs, it isn't the right sort of question. You can't use a thermometer to take a temperature reading of God, you can't write down the chemical formular or say what atoms he's made of because those aren't the right sorts of questions to ask about God.

People have worshipped hundreds of Gods that we know about and the range and variation in the Gods and Goddesses is much much wider than the range and variation in the people that worshipped them, which is enough to convince me that people invent Gods not vice versa. But just because God isn't real in the same way as the pint of beer or the beer glass or the table is real, doesn't mean he's not real at all. God's real in the same way as love, honour, justice, fairness and beauty are real.

Some people work for a pittance trying to get innocent people on death row acquitted, some people take holy orders and live a life of religious prayer and seclusion. Whilst these things might be abstract concepts that only live within the minds of humans it doesn't mean they aren't real or profound to people and capable of having a dramatic impact on how they live their life.

In short by all means talk to God but if he starts to talk back seek professional help.

I'd find that a bit patronising tbh . I'm not sure you'd get anyone with strong religious views that they can't keep to themselves to see your point.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 08/04/2023 23:25

@Exhibity thanks for the feedback

Exhibity · 08/04/2023 23:28

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 08/04/2023 23:25

@Exhibity thanks for the feedback

I get what you're saying though and it's a good explanation 😊

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