The Family Court Scandal and Abuse

[SpringMum30]

Wasn't sure what to post this under:

Women who are victims of domestic abuse are made by authorities to leave their abusers or risk losing their children.

Women who are victims of domestic abuse are made by the family courts to coparent with their abusers or risk losing their children.

The family court system is not fit for purpose. Women are re traumatised during proceedings whereby they are forced to face their abuser, are further gaslit by Cafcass and magistrates and forced to push their children into unsafe contact arrangements.

The court want to handle cases as quickly as possible and women are criticised for raising allegations of abuse as this prolongs the court process.

The abuser uses the court to further their abuse through the children and is not held accountable for their harmful and abusive behaviour.

If you can relate to this then I am sorry. The trauma experienced can trigger ptsd, anxiety and depression to name a few. I don’t know how to change the system but in raising awareness and talking about it I hope it’s a move in the right direction for real change.

Sad posts from both perspectives. I was alleging abuse against the father of one of my gc's which the Judge chose not to believe. I did not know when I made the allegation (he tried to attack me in front of gs) that he already had a substantial criminal record of violent offending. He went on to be convicted of gbh after the final hearing and was even convicted of drink driving home from court during ongoing proceedings!

Cafcass described it as "youthful indiscretion" but I contacted Police headquarters and asked the legal team to disclose to the court any offence that was of concern. I was self representing so could not apply. I was right. One of the attacks was on a child.

Their applications took up years of court time, even three day hearings. After a certain point, why do Judges not consider a 91 (14) order blocking applications for a certain length of time?

Another ludicruous application during which the Judge ordered what we asked for (reinstatement of supervised contact) - but the application was theirs, because they felt we would refuse contact! They were effectively taking themselves to court using the public pot of legal aid. They even had a barrister for a directions hearing.

Sorry, to clarify has your son passed away?

Surely if not he should be arranging contact between you and DGC?

Women can be violent. My exDIL punched my son in the face as he had a toddler on his lap and new baby in his arms.

For anyone who doubted the truth she proved it years later when the toddler was a teenager and she punched him in the face as well.

I agree. I've seen it first hand on more than one occasion.
Yet, those mothers are made out to be saints and the father's the devil's incarnate.

In my case he hit the children and that was deemed fine too.

They report being scared of him but that was Mum's fault. Apparently her experience of DV affected the children even without her bad-mouthing their Dad.

Women can't win. But sometimes, it can happen though is not the norm anymore. Frightening for the children.

"Made to prove my mental health whilst his abuse of us all is referred to as “alleged” and the court laps up any old shit about me he comes out with, no proof of that required."

Even if you have proof, it can be explained away as your fault for viewing it in such a way.

@MMeliaLane where is the GC father in all this?

"Which goes back to my point. The vast, vast majority of claims are not backed by the voice of the child or any other outward indications of abuse to the child. Which is likely where the assumption comes from."

@Polik you have to be very careful here. My DC didn't back up their abuse because of Stockholm syndrome. They blamed themselves and would do anything to protect the perpetrator, partly because nobody would protect them from him so they had to keep on side for their own sanity.

It's a real thing. In my experiences schools made terrible judgments and listens to his voice, but when it went against him in court they changed their views. But it's been a punishingly difficult journey and it disheartens me to hear people like you say these kind of things without looking beneath the surface.

Exactly this.

Or... they're smooth talking and do a very-important-job so couldn't possibly be they kind of a person.

The fact police officers, judges, nurses have been in the news for various horrendous crimes escapes them.

This is EXACTLY it. Absolutely hit the nail on the head.

My experience completely and the school view shared by Polik was an added burden to an already horrendous situation.

Yes this is exactly it. It's terrible people can't see beyond the surface. I don't know if it will ever change because elderly, disabled and children have very few rights.

*"Reasonable point.

"In all fairness though, it's not my role to interpret what the child says or why. That's the role of social care (and sometimes police). All a school does is offer opportunities to disclose and then report any disclosures to disclosure care to assess."*

And to make assumptions that most cases are false because children are often too traumatised to verbalise their experiences.

"We've been back to Social Services as my sons behaviour has spiralled at school since unsupervised contact commenced. He was interviewed, made all the right noises and case was closed."

@WankBadger5000 this is so distressing to read. Your poor son. Poor you. What damage to this innocent child just because assumptions have been made and his cry for help ignored.

👏👏👏

I saw my brother and his wife and their children going through the family courts and it was an huge, shocking eye opener. I had no idea things were so awful, Especially CAFCASS. The whole thing dragged on for so long and was utterly traumatic for everyone involved, especially the children.

I’ve held off posting about it, as I’m a staunch feminist and I know that many women and children suffer at the hands of the courts. I don’t ever want to come across as an apologist for abusive men. But my experience was that the courts were just as horrific towards my DB as women have described here.

An extremely unstable, unwell person (ex-SIL) was able to fabricate a narrative of ‘emotional abuse’ that CAFCASS bought into and my DBro’s contact with his children was severely limited.

It all came out in the wash, after 3 hellish years, and the children were placed on a CP plan for emotional abuse by their mother. Unfortunately, my brother had a terminal cancer diagnosis by then and died without contact with his children.

I still haven’t processed the damage done. It was one of the worst things I have ever witnessed. Failures and dreadful practice at every turn.

My ex lied in court and that was ignored. As were his multiple breaches. It beggars belief.

Yep that's what the Cafcass officer did too. My eldest was adamant she would not be speaking to them again but obviously has no choice and just out on a brave face. She therefore implied that I was lying and this definitely unfairly impacted her report and recommendations.

I think the real issue is not men vs women/fathers vs mothers, but more importantly, how manipulative, abusive, coercive people, regardless of sex, are so skilled at deceiving. The idea that this person/parent is violent/dangerous/abusive is unbelievable to so many. Street angels/house devils fool all the people all the time.

But above all, judges, CAFCASS, lawyers, DSLs, teachers, police, SS don’t care about people’s trauma and mental health. The system perpetuates trauma simply because those running it are automatons. Cogs in the great wheel to nowhere. They’re, as my dad used to say, glorified pencil pushers: Pencil pushers with the frightening capacity to further destroy a traumatised family. They just don’t even bother to care about the families they’re dealing with.
It’s a godawful system.

There’s a laziness and complacency underpinning the safeguarding of children in this country. My ex is in prison for sexually abusing our child and viewing underage porn. Yet! The police did not check the PCs in his work place (he was a family GP and NHS DSL and the GP who carried out all of the newborn checks), did not inform families working with him that they had a right to know about his charges, never removed our home PC that he predominantly, exclusively actually, used in the home office (in fact the lead detective on my daughter’s case asked me several times if I could give my ex the home PC because he was bored at his flat where he was living while out on bail for 8 fucking months). My ex’s lawyers continue writing to me, asking for the home PC (apparently my ex would like to store it while he’s in prison). I mean, there’s total laziness and no fucks given in action! Safeguarding? What safeguarding? Red flags everywhere.
My eldest son and I will one day have the PC looked at. I can’t face it right now.

So… the fact that my daughter got a sliver of justice served cold from such a lazy police force and complacent judicial system is miraculous. Even the police could not be bothered. The police are misogynistic AF. There’s no love lost there. On the day my ex was sentenced, I sat in the courtroom in utter silence. The detective turned to me and said, “Well done for your behaviour. Well done for keeping it cool and not showing anger.”

What a good girl am I. There’s so much to unpack in what he said.

I just want to add, regarding our children opening up (as if the person with the lanyard and a few letters after their name holds the Almighty Key To Healing- pardon me while I stick an LMFAO here), it took my daughter months, months, not days, not weeks, months to open her mouth and speak with the therapist she’d been seeing on a weekly basis. She was mute.
Silence says and reveals so much. Maybe these experts need to listen to the silence. Often there is more power and truth in the unspoken word.

Oh my life. My DC repeatedly say this EXACT same thing.

They tell me they have no faith in the police, social services or justice system because when they did speak up nothing happened. So now Dad knows what they've said which places them in far greater danger.

They've learned to stay quiet to protect Dad which will serve to better protect themselves.

Because they decide the father's right to contact trumps the outside chance a child's reluctance could be heavily influenced by an angry mother.

Well said 👏🏽 the expectation that a child will pour their entire heart out to a stranger because it's a 'safe and neutral environment' is absolutely ridiculous

Of the cases I know that have gone to family court an equal number of men and women have made allegations against each other.

In most cases the allegations have no other evidence e.g. he said/she said. Some of the allegations made were laughable as if the person was doing as they claimed they would have caused a disturbance and it would have been acted on at the time. With others then the claimed evidence would have been easy to prove.

Ah the angry mother! Yep. We’re not allowed to be angry and emotional, AKA ‘unhinged’. You show anger to the police running your case, they’ll punish you and crucially, the victim by doing the bare minimum for your case. The abuser stays calm and cool, even when facing jail. It’s the mother who is learning, on the go mind, how terrifyingly bad the other parent is. The mother is in shock (or father, if the mother is the abuser). And at a time where anger is the best thing to lean into, we’re advised by police, lawyers, judges, DSLs, all of the adults in safeguarding, to suppress it. Behave.

My ex claims that it is in fact my anger that has encouraged our daughter to hate him. My anger has destroyed their bond, according to him. Oh it’s got nothing to do with him violating her body for 5 fucking years.

Except I am not the mother of this boy.