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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for refusing to buy something for DNieces new home?

131 replies

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/04/2023 16:09

Am I in the wrong for refusing to buy something for DNieces new home?

Have a difficult relationship with her, over the years she's lied to us & used us for money with the promise of paying us back. I would be there for her and spend hours on the phone till silly o'clock despite having to get up with my own children when she was upset. She cut me off two years ago due to a family rift that didn't concern me.

I left her to it. A few weeks ago DS7 nearly died, it's been the most stressful & most darkest periods of my life. Luckily he's okay now, but needs to be on medication for life and can slip into a coma or have complications if he's not well looked after.

She rang me out of the blue whilst I was in hospital asked about ds7 for one minute before turning the conversation onto herself and about her moving into her first home. I made my excuses and got off the phone fast. Didn't reach out as clear it's still all about her.

Qeue her messaging me saying she was really struggling for certain household items (expensive items not just like a few cooking pots!) and needed all the help she could get basically hinting expecting me to pay.
I steered the conversation away and said about ds7 and she kept bringing it back to herself saying she was the most stressed she's been in her whole life (despite me nearly loosing her cousin!) so in the end I said truthfully I didn't have any money right now after going back & fourth to the hospital and medical supplies.
She then blanked me.

Another family member says I should help her even if it's something small.
AIBU to think absolutely fucking not?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/04/2023 16:49

ifIwerenotanandroid · 08/04/2023 16:42

Seconded.

Show quote history

Agreed.

Mute her

Mute any family members who have the temerity to comment as well.

Do not engage.

Your poor son.

T1D can be a very stressful diagnosis to get to grips with.

Wishing you the best.

Exhibity · 08/04/2023 16:52

Does she have parents?
Id send her a text, tell her how stressed you are and not to bother you again.

BumpityFlip · 08/04/2023 16:53

If you have the opportunity to, ask about continuous glucose monitors. I've used libre and dexcom and they are life changing. The dexcom can be set to share data and will alert on your phone if it senses a hypo. Which might give you a bit more reassurance.

Send me a message if there's anything you want to talk about.

diddl · 08/04/2023 16:56

Even without everything that you have going on-
She cut me off two years ago due to a family rift that didn't concern me.
So she doesn't really care does she-just seeing if she can get anything out of you.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 08/04/2023 16:56

JimmyDurham · 08/04/2023 16:18

It would never occur to me for one minute to buy anything for my neices or nephews new homes. Why on earth should I? Forget it. She's a right CF!

That’s quite an extraordinary response! I mean, in the op’s case, absolutely, don’t get the cf anything!! But if you have a good relationship with dnieces and dnephews, it would be pretty normal to get a housewarming present, no?
OP, I hope your ds recovers well.

EpicChaos · 08/04/2023 16:58

Sorry to hear about your son and hope for the best for him, you and your family, in the months and years to come.
Do make sure that you look into claiming all relevant benefits for him!
Tell your niece and her fan club to get lost, you have more than enough on your plate without the added stress of having to put up with that game of soldiers.

Sorrynotsorry2 · 08/04/2023 17:04

Buy her a wooden spoon!

elliejjtiny · 08/04/2023 17:05

Yanbu OP. T1d is a nightmare to get your head round in the beginning and you need all the support and sympathy from your family. I'm absolutely raging on your behalf. If your niece was a nice person then flowers and/or nice biscuits would be a nice gesture for a house warming gift but CF's deserve nothing and nobody should get expensive gifts.

Gymnopedie · 08/04/2023 17:06

especially the in laws saying I should help her

If this is on your IL's side, why is she/they pestering you and not DH. Get him to tell them all to sod off,

Original poster
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/04/2023 17:08

Thanks everyone for the kind wishes, T1D is hard but I've been told once you've done a year it gets easier! Hoping once he's back to school it'll give me a bit of a rest in the day as my energy levels are shot. 😂

She's literally blanked my last message and not even bothered to reply so I'm just gonna mute it and hope she doesn't contact me again. Its upsetting as it's all about her, her, her like no care for ds. I don't understand how people can be like that.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 08/04/2023 17:10

You don’t need to ask - these people are hassling you for gifts when you’re caring for a seriously ill child.

Put her out of your mind and tell anyone asking for money or items on her behalf that you won’t be doing this. Even without DS in hospital, you know that life is happier without her parasitic behaviour.

So big grey rock her and her flying monkeys and focus on your son. 🌷

TremulousD · 08/04/2023 17:14

These are your husband's in-laws/flying monkeys?

He really needs to deal with this shit asap. You don't mention him.

azlazee1 · 08/04/2023 17:16

I wouldn't feel obligated to get her anything. To even ask when you are in the midst of a serious health crisis, speaks volumes to the type of person she is. Don't feel guilty, don't give it a second thought. I might buy a small gift if I was invited to her new home but I would not let her guilt me into buying her an expensive gift.

Thedogscollar · 08/04/2023 17:18

Honestly OP if I were you I'd be deleting and blocking her number. She is an entitled leech. How dare she think you should buy her anything at all. She is a taker who gives nothing in return.
Good luck with your DS it will get easier T1D can be tricky in the first few months.

JMSA · 08/04/2023 17:18

Whaaaat?! No way!

Throwaway0323 · 08/04/2023 17:24

BumpityFlip · 08/04/2023 16:35

If your son has t1d, I just want to say, it gets easier. Hang in there.

I also wanted to say this.

It seems relentless at first and it is all consuming but it gets easier and you will be on top of it all in no time.

Keep strong! I remember well the fear when my son was diagnosed.

TheOrigRights · 08/04/2023 17:27

What does your husband think of it all?
It would be bizarre enough if it was your own brother or sister's child, but the child of one of your husband's siblings...odd. How did this relationship develop?

VeganStar · 08/04/2023 17:31

I’m so sorry to hear all your going through with your DS OP. I hope everything is going to be ok for him.
I don’t know why your DN thinks it’s your responsibility to buy stuff for her house.
It’s as you said earlier about buying mostly second hand things and waiting weeks or months before being able to buy the more expensive stuff.
I bought my DN’s something small for house warming gifts. For one I bought a sandwich maker and for the other a slow cooker. Only because I’m really close to them. I didn’t even think about buying anything for the others who I don’t see for months on end.
You don’t need to buy her anything as she’s chosen to not bother with you for goodness knows how long and all of a sudden she gets a house and then you’re her cash cow??? Don’t buy her anything as it’ll escalate.
Definitely block her.

Original poster
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/04/2023 17:32

TheOrigRights · 08/04/2023 17:27

What does your husband think of it all?
It would be bizarre enough if it was your own brother or sister's child, but the child of one of your husband's siblings...odd. How did this relationship develop?

He doesn't speak to DNs mother and we don't have a relationship with her other siblings. He thinks it's selfish behaviour of her and doesn't want to give her a penny.m as that's money that could go on our own children.
Probably why she's asked me and not him. Just fed up of it, probably won't hear from her again until she falls behind on a household bill.

OP posts:
Changechangechanging · 08/04/2023 17:38

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/04/2023 16:44

Thank you I hope so, his pancreas isn't helping coming back to life the honeymoon period sucks he keeps hypoing in the night. I don't think I've slept properly in months.

Show quote history

Have you got libre or dexcom? If not push for one of them. Alarms that go off when too high/too low.will help you sleep when you can sleep. It gets easier x

JimMoriarty · 08/04/2023 17:39

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 08/04/2023 16:20

Honestly I'm so upset by it all especially the in laws saying I should help her with something small. Like why would I when she's not even bothered in years or even cares about my son? She seems to think now he's out of hospital he's fine but he's not he needs daily injections around 5-6 times a day with constant monitoring through out the day and night. It's made me feel even more stressed out than I already am.

Hi MeMyBooksAmdMyCats,
I’m guessing your son has T1D. It is a roller coaster, but does get easier. I also find that other people have no idea what it’s like. The intensity of managing it all. My son was diagnosed two years ago. Often people assume because they’ve heard of it, it’s no big deal. Just wanted to send support.

Brefugee · 08/04/2023 17:55

just ignore. Or get her a wooden spoon.
I hope your DS is ok and you're all getting into a routine with his diagnosis

Libre2 · 08/04/2023 17:55

BumpityFlip · 08/04/2023 16:35

If your son has t1d, I just want to say, it gets easier. Hang in there.

Was just coming on to say exactly this. First few weeks are hideous but eventually it becomes a new normality. Always worrying, always stressful but you get used to it.

Craftybodger · 08/04/2023 18:07

Your niece is a CF.

T1 diabetes gets easier, especially if you can get him onto continuous monitoring of glucose - we started with a Freestyle Libre, then went to the FL2 before going onto a pump. The pump with continuous monitoring is life changing in terms of control and stress.

Good luck, focus on your family and ignore your niece.

2bazookas · 08/04/2023 18:21

Another family member says I should help her even if it's something small.

So you should :-}

Just put together a cardboard shoe box of stuff you can spare. A couple of clean old teatowels; a loo roll, bar of Simple soap, some jeycloths; bath cleaner. Maybe a little pan scrub. After all, she says she needs all the help she can get.

Helpful, practical auntie to the rescue. Lucky girl.