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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Housing dilemmas & rejecting offer

116 replies

worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 14:00

Hello everyone,

I have posted about this before and I'm going to ask MHQ to remove the thread after as it is very identifying. But I am having second thoughts of accepting a council flat offer and I'm worried about the repercussions if I accept. In any case, I will have to let the council know my decision by next week.

To give a background. My 12 year old DS and I currently live in a very very small 1 bed private accommodation due to fleeing DV many many moons ago. We have been on the council list for approx.10 years. We have a direct offer (because another person friend it down) for a council property. It is like a terrace flat (?) it has three floors. I've been going back and forth with my decision but I think I am going to decline. Here are my reasons;

  1. The flat just has stairs. There's no landing ( apart from the hallway) as soon as you go up the stairs, you go straight into a room. The walls going up to to the stairs are quite narrow- almost like a claustrophobic feel. (however, the rooms are big). But the bathroom is all the way downstairs and is very small.

2.After you accept a property, you have 4 weeks to move in. There is no flooring, or anything, the property is very bare and in need of repairs . I am concerned about the costs, considering that DS is Autistic and has horrendous meltdowns and flooring and soundproofing is my concern. For example, if I wanted to have carpet to reduce noise, where do I put this? In the landing, living room, stairs and the bedrooms? What about laminate as I cannot afford to put carpet and sound proofing in every room.

  1. I am worried about the security of the housing. For example, the bedrooms are un the top floor and the front door is three floors down. I am currently going through the court process as DS's dad is requesting access to see his DS. I am worried about my ex founding out where we live. DS travels to some places on his own (school and to the local shops). If DS's dad has access, I'm worried that his dad may follow him home and would find out where we live- or worse DS will tell him (as he looks up to his dad and doesn't try to defy him).

Therefore, I'm at loss with security measures. I have never lived in a flat like this before and worry this is compromising with my safety (whereas if you are in a communal flat with others, there's a secure communal door and a range of flats). If DS dad knew where we live, he would not be able to guess which flat we live on.

  1. In my heart. I think the flat would just be too much for me to handle alone. I am used to live in a flat with rooms all in one level.

Please let me know if I'm going the right thing. It's so easy for my friends and family to say "take it take it" but not really taking my situation into concern.

OP posts:
Aylestone · 07/04/2023 16:10

I’m not exactly what you’re expecting. It’s cheap, secure, social housing with a separate bedroom for each of you. No council properties are going to come with carpets. The majority of people live with the toilet on a different floor, would you turn down a 2 bed house because the bathrooms upstairs? The security issue will be potentially better than being in an apartment block, and certainly no worse. Why did you turn down the first property, out of interest? I’d be snapping their hands off in your position. I think you should take yourself off the list, as you’re clearly capable of private renting like you have been for a decade, and there’s so many people out there that would be so grateful to be offered this.

Original poster
worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:11

pinkdelight · 07/04/2023 16:06

Every property, rented or bought, private or council, has compromises. There isn't some mythical flat that's going to come along and fit all your needs. The compromises here are very minor and some can be reframed as positives if you put your mind to it. I don't know that posting about it is helping anyway if you've had all those responses and are still changing your mind. Take the flat and move forward for both your sakes.

In future there's a 30 Days Only topic rather than getting a thread deleted.

I think this is very true and I'm slowly realising this. No matter where you go it isn't always going to be 100%.

OP posts:
Original poster
worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:14

Abyss23 · 07/04/2023 16:10

Eh? So there are four lots of stairs?

I can't remember now.

I'm not sure whether the storage room is on the same floor as the bedrooms. I don't think so as it wouldn't make sense as as soon as you reach to the top of a flight of stairs you enter into a room and there's no landing. I disregarded the storage space as it was so small. Wait- no come to think of it the storage space is on the same floor as the bedrooms.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 07/04/2023 16:17

I think it sounds nice enough, and certainly better than being squashed into a 1-bed flat with a teenage boy. All the arguments people have made about a maisonette like this being more secure are really valid.

I would honestly think long and hard before turning this down.

asimileofsomesmoke · 07/04/2023 16:17

OP, you mentioned that your son is autistic and doesn't cope well with change.

Are you bad at coping with change too?

All the problems you've listed sound like minor irritations, not huge issues. Obviously they're not ideal, but as other posters have said, with housing, nothing's ideal.

Have you had a picture in your head of the ideal space for the past ten years? Is it hard accepting that the space you have actually been offered is so different to the perfect one you imagined?

It's completely valid that you'd feel disappointed between the difference between what you were dreaming of and what you've been offered. It's completely valid that you don't want to leave the place you live in and are used to and call home for somewhere strange and unfamiliar.

But disappointment, and fear of leaving the space you're used to, aren't good enough reasons not to move, when logically, you can reason that a two-bedroom property is much better for an adult and a teenager than a one-bedroom property.

RandomMess · 07/04/2023 16:19

There will not be perfect home that you will be offered as there is no such thing, always compromises.

The flat conversion sounds quirky and lots of people would love that.

Having the bedrooms on the top floor means if your DS is noisy up there it won't bother your neighbours.

Would it be possible to eventually have an additional door near the front one to create a vestibule and extra security?

I think communal hallways are often awful and you are being spared that.

Do you have any support with your anxiety and mental health?

It's a big change to move homes and it's ok to feel paralysed by the decision.

Grapewrath · 07/04/2023 16:19

Sorry thought I read you live with your parents- must have mixed you up with someone else.
Regardless I’d take the flat it sounds like a good option

hopelesslydevotedtoGu · 07/04/2023 16:21

worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:08

.... I'm not good at drawing floor plans. I can describe it.

  1. When you open the front door, there's a long hall way with 5 steps that you have to walk up to.
  1. When you get on the last 5th step, on the left you have the bathroom (which is very very small!).
  1. You walk up another 8 steps and walk into the living room and the kitchen is next door.
  1. You walk up another flight of 8 steps and you enter into first bedroom and next door is the second bedroom.
  1. You then walk up another 6 flights of stairs and it's just the small storage room.
Show quote history

This sounds fine. I could happily live in this house.

Much better than sharing a 1 bed flat with a teenage boy! Which will soon become much more difficult for both of you as he gets older.

The unusual layout is probably why it's been offered to you, rather than be taken by somebody else. There will be many people above you in the priority list.

Original poster
worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:25

Aylestone · 07/04/2023 16:10

I’m not exactly what you’re expecting. It’s cheap, secure, social housing with a separate bedroom for each of you. No council properties are going to come with carpets. The majority of people live with the toilet on a different floor, would you turn down a 2 bed house because the bathrooms upstairs? The security issue will be potentially better than being in an apartment block, and certainly no worse. Why did you turn down the first property, out of interest? I’d be snapping their hands off in your position. I think you should take yourself off the list, as you’re clearly capable of private renting like you have been for a decade, and there’s so many people out there that would be so grateful to be offered this.

I haven't declined a property before. I have always accepted but I have been outnumbered or the council, for some odd reason, wanted the flat back and it was taken off the list.

I had no choice to move to private renting. I fleed DV and I was promised that the private accommodation would be temporarily, if wasn't and then I was put on the waiting list again. Whilst I have been waiting, I have been looking up and down for other private rent (two bed) but they are all ridiculously expensive and will eat all of my salary. Private renting a 1 bed flat is expensive but not as expensive as two beds and I did not want to put DS and I into a situation that I accumulate rent areas or worse be kicked out as I couldn't afford rent- so I thought my best bet was just to wait, save any little money that I had and eventually move. I was not expecting to get a council property, I was quite shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:29

asimileofsomesmoke · 07/04/2023 16:17

OP, you mentioned that your son is autistic and doesn't cope well with change.

Are you bad at coping with change too?

All the problems you've listed sound like minor irritations, not huge issues. Obviously they're not ideal, but as other posters have said, with housing, nothing's ideal.

Have you had a picture in your head of the ideal space for the past ten years? Is it hard accepting that the space you have actually been offered is so different to the perfect one you imagined?

It's completely valid that you'd feel disappointed between the difference between what you were dreaming of and what you've been offered. It's completely valid that you don't want to leave the place you live in and are used to and call home for somewhere strange and unfamiliar.

But disappointment, and fear of leaving the space you're used to, aren't good enough reasons not to move, when logically, you can reason that a two-bedroom property is much better for an adult and a teenager than a one-bedroom property.

This is very true. I am scared of change and envisioned my life somewhat as different as it is now. I love watching Home improvements... or the shows were a couple is looking at houses for abroad. I wish I had the money and luxury to pick and choose a home how it pleases but unfortunately that was not my destiny.

OP posts:
TessoftheDubonnet · 07/04/2023 16:34

You would be totally mad, and I mean absolutely bat shit crazy, to turn down this flat.

It sounds potentially lovely. Of course it needs a fair bit of work. Many properties do. You do it slowly, as funds allow, in order of priority. Just having the extra space and the security of council tenure is worth it.

I remember our first proper house. 3 stories plus basement. Stairs and all but one room had no carpets. The one carpeted room was filthy. The kitchen and bathroom were as basic as they come. And filthy...

We made it work. It took a year or so to make it habitable, another 5 or so to make it a proper home. It's what you do if you have to. It was so worth it.

Take the flat. You won't regret it.

Giggorata · 07/04/2023 16:38

Secure tenancy, more space for your son… what are you waiting for?

2bazookas · 07/04/2023 16:47

I should have thought a three storey apartment would be ideal for a noisy DC; you can make the top floor their room, less audible to neighbours on the lower two floors. . Thick rugs on the floor.

Its also ideal from the POV of your pesky ex; even if he finds it he can't see in the upstairs rooms

You can furnish and equip an entire home for free or minimal cost, from online sites like your local Freecycle, Next Door, and the charity New Start if there is one local to you.

Security; you can get a camera ring bell on your door and have good locks fitted. IF Ex turns up and threatens, harassment is a criminal offence and your local [police will deal with your complaint.

WHEREVER you live, you are going to have to teach DC not to open the door to dad.

A young person that age really needs some space of their own to sleep and hang out in (and so do you); you may find that a bit more space and privacy makes them more relaxed and calm.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 07/04/2023 16:48

I can envisage what you mean, I think I've seen something like this before. So was it originally a 4 or even 5 storey house? Once again, I can feel how worried you are, I wouldn't be able to cope with the enclosed stairs. Is this actually owned by the local authority? Are you in an area where there are tenements?

I also think I know what you mean about security and I am not sure other posters have caught on - once you are in, you're in. You can only get in and out through that one narrow entrance. Is there a fire escape window on the top floor OP, where you say there's a "storage" room - is that what used to be the loft?

theskyispurple · 07/04/2023 16:51

Aside from all the comments previously, this will give you security and stability and peace of mind. Anyone that can get a council
Property is shielded from the shit show that is private renting at the moment.
If your landlord wants you out / to sell etc you will be in a whole hell of a mess. Rentals are super expensive, you'd have to find deposit and still not have the security that you would have with the council property. I'd be jumping at this opportunity

LoisLane66 · 07/04/2023 16:54

If the people who know you and your past are encouraging the move, and these people are family and friends who've known you for years and seen first hand how it has affected you and your son, why ask or rely on strangers for advice?

Myusername4321 · 07/04/2023 16:57

it's is never easy moving but look into the future because this may be your only chance to get a property with the council. You also have to think about the worry of private rent becoming unaffordable, there is much more security and peace of mind in council properties.

BurntOutGirl · 07/04/2023 16:59

worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:08

.... I'm not good at drawing floor plans. I can describe it.

  1. When you open the front door, there's a long hall way with 5 steps that you have to walk up to.
  1. When you get on the last 5th step, on the left you have the bathroom (which is very very small!).
  1. You walk up another 8 steps and walk into the living room and the kitchen is next door.
  1. You walk up another flight of 8 steps and you enter into first bedroom and next door is the second bedroom.
  1. You then walk up another 6 flights of stairs and it's just the small storage room.
Show quote history

Firstly... a large bathroom is a waste of space considering you only pee, poo and shower in it!

Long hallway - oohhh... a long picture or photos along it would look fab..

How wide is it? Could put hooks up for coats.

Kitchen and living room next to each other. Perfect... not to far away to go get a cuppa!

Bedrooms are next to each other. That's good, so like your current flat you are literally next door to him.

Storage room - bloody marvellous! So many flats and houses have no storage space.

How big are the bedrooms? Could this be an office, or made into a sensory room, or walkin dressing room?

NewNovember · 07/04/2023 16:59

Honestly this is just your maybe undiagnosed autism and anxiety making you think this way. The flat isn't perfect but honestly it's pretty good and the own front door is a definite bonus for safety. Take it for your ds ( and yourself) and try and trust that random strangers on the internet are not collectively lying to you. Most people are decent and have others best interests at heart. I didn't know you but I genuinely want you to take the flat and be happy sane advice I would give to a friend

BurntOutGirl · 07/04/2023 17:00

In case of confusion...the storage room being office etc.... not a bedroom!

JudgeRudy · 07/04/2023 17:00

RandomMess · 07/04/2023 14:17

There are also grants you can apply for if you are in receipt of certain benefits to help with carpets etc

Are there? You can apply for budgeting loans but I've never heard of grants for flooring. Are you talking about local charities?

BurntOutGirl · 07/04/2023 17:01

worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:29

This is very true. I am scared of change and envisioned my life somewhat as different as it is now. I love watching Home improvements... or the shows were a couple is looking at houses for abroad. I wish I had the money and luxury to pick and choose a home how it pleases but unfortunately that was not my destiny.

Show quote history

Think you'll find that is the same for most of us!

asimileofsomesmoke · 07/04/2023 17:05

worldcupfan · 07/04/2023 16:29

This is very true. I am scared of change and envisioned my life somewhat as different as it is now. I love watching Home improvements... or the shows were a couple is looking at houses for abroad. I wish I had the money and luxury to pick and choose a home how it pleases but unfortunately that was not my destiny.

Show quote history

Oh, OP, I sympathise, I really really do. I hate change too, particularly when it's change I don't feel in control of. I hate moving house. It makes me feel so lost and disorientated.

Deep down, I think you know that you should move. But you really don't want to. It's a huge change, and it's not even a change to something perfect. It's going to involve lots of hard work and compromising, and you don't want to give up something you know for something you don't.

I think you a little bit started this thread because you wanted other people to give you good reasons not to move, so you could justify not accepting the house.

It feels especially hard when all your friends and family are saying what a good thing it is, and how lucky you are, when you don't feel lucky - you feel scared and intimidated.

If you told your family that you're scared of moving and you don't know if you can cope with all the work, would they be able to help you?

Can you try to imagine some of the good things about living there? Can you imagine your son as teenager with his own little space?

For what it's worth, I've lived in both a purpose-built flat and a house-conversion flat, and would always always choose the house-conversion. The noise insulation was so much better, and it felt more like my own separate space.

fruitbrewhaha · 07/04/2023 17:09

OP you would be crazy to turn this down. I’m no expert on council waiting lists but surely if you been waiting 10 you are low on the list, I’d expect if you turn this down you will be back to the bottom.

Do you think everyone who buys a house falls in love with it like on the tv? Or that everyone renting picks just the right property? Or do you think people people buy what they can afford where they need to be, or takes what ever flat is available? You’ll make it home with time and effort.

blueshoes · 07/04/2023 17:10

Classic dilemma of the bird in hand v two in the bush.

Except that the layout of the flat you described sounds quirky (as another poster described it) and if the rooms are large and if bright as well, quite lovely and comfortable. Who hangs out in the hallway and stairs anyway. It is the rooms that matter. It is fine if the bathroom is small. Tackle the renovation work incrementally.

It is like living in a tree house with different levels. Try to turn this into positive thinking.

For security, there are relatively inexpensive ring doorbells, burglar alarms, webcams that you can check remotely on your phone of various all stripes that don't need wiring in. You have a downstairs neighbour in your conversion, so they will be able to hear you.

I would think carefully before giving this up. You don't get to perfection in one go. You have to get there in steps.