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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex & girlfriend

94 replies

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:00

I’m new here but I’ve been warned that nobody likes a SM or new partner which I hope isn’t the case…
My Ex of 7 ish years has had various GF over the years as have I with BF none of which have met our child. My Ex has now been in a relationship for 18M which I consider to be serious, she’s very kind & I do not dislike her at all however she doesn’t have children which isn’t a major issue but they are moving in together & I’m bit concerned as I don’t think she has prepared herself for the fact that we co parent. He’s a great Dad, always there but I’m concerned that he hasn’t been honest with her & as much as I think she’s great for him I worry that she’s not prepared for what’s to come. She’s met our DD & see’s her on weekends but don’t think she understands what she’s getting herself into..AIBU to tell my ex that he needs to do a months test run once they move in or leave it for him to deal with

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 06/04/2023 23:03

Sorry, it's not up to you. The parent who is looking after the children gets to decide how to parent at the time. And what would you do if she fails your test? You can't stop him having his child.

GreggsRoll · 06/04/2023 23:06

Well you could... But he could just say no and ignore you because I'm reality it's not for you to tell him he needs to do any test runs of anything. It's his life and his time with his child, he is entitled to do with it whatever he wants (safeguarding issues aside obviously).

SaltanVinegar · 06/04/2023 23:06

It isn’t your place to ask this of him.

Clingthefilm · 06/04/2023 23:10

I understand your worry but you can't dictate to him. You trusted him enough to have a childnwith him, you trust him enough to co-parent. You also need to trust that he has your child's best interest at heart - giving him advice is unnecessary. It will just cause friction because why would he listen to you?

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:11

To be clear I don’t mean I’m ‘testing’ her, absolutely not. What I mean is that I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone. She’s a really lovely woman & my DD likes her very much, what I meant (should have said) is maybe wean her in gently.

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 06/04/2023 23:12

AIBU to tell my ex that he needs to do a months test run once they move in or leave it for him to deal with

Yes, YABU to think you have the right to 'tell' him anything.

But on a different note, if you've been 'warned that nobody likes a SM or new partner', why would you join up and post this, rather than find a different site? Confused

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:13

Or just leave it to them?

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 06/04/2023 23:13

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:11

To be clear I don’t mean I’m ‘testing’ her, absolutely not. What I mean is that I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone. She’s a really lovely woman & my DD likes her very much, what I meant (should have said) is maybe wean her in gently.

It’s still up to your ex and not you, I’m afraid.

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:14

MrsDoylesDoily · 06/04/2023 23:12

AIBU to tell my ex that he needs to do a months test run once they move in or leave it for him to deal with

Yes, YABU to think you have the right to 'tell' him anything.

But on a different note, if you've been 'warned that nobody likes a SM or new partner', why would you join up and post this, rather than find a different site? Confused

Because I hoped that wasn’t true

OP posts:
MrsDoylesDoily · 06/04/2023 23:14

It's not a situation you can micromanage I'm afraid.

It'll probably be fine though from the way you describe things.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 06/04/2023 23:16

Yabu it’s none of your business. A trial for what? What would that entail? And what does she need to be prepared for. She knows he has a child and therefore you co parent. Lots of people co parent. Does she ‘know’ know, probably not, but that won’t happen in a month either, that will take time. The best thing you can do is back off and let them find their way. Don’t be too intense in regards to your child. Your child is more likely to be relaxed about it if you are. 18 months is a long introduction stage.

Gingergirl70 · 06/04/2023 23:17

I'm so confused, so bear with me if I ask some stupid questions:
What kind of preparation should ex's GF undertake if you think she's not aware of what coparenting involves?
What would a test run involve?
Who are you hoping to wean in - DC or GF - and what would this involve?

GreggsRoll · 06/04/2023 23:18

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:11

To be clear I don’t mean I’m ‘testing’ her, absolutely not. What I mean is that I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone. She’s a really lovely woman & my DD likes her very much, what I meant (should have said) is maybe wean her in gently.

Whilst it's a valid concern, you cannot control this.

They could break up after 10 years, it's always going to be a possibility that she may leave. It's just one of those things in a blended family. That person isn't the child's parent and therefore may never see them again if their relationship ends. You cannot stop this by insisting he wean her in gently or do test runs. All you can do is be there for your daughter if something does happen.

GreggsRoll · 06/04/2023 23:20

Also not sure what you mean by her not knowing what co parenting entails? She doesn't really need to tbh, unless you're expecting her to get involved and become some sort of 3rd parent then she doesn't need to be involved in your co parenting.

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:23

Gingergirl70 · 06/04/2023 23:17

I'm so confused, so bear with me if I ask some stupid questions:
What kind of preparation should ex's GF undertake if you think she's not aware of what coparenting involves?
What would a test run involve?
Who are you hoping to wean in - DC or GF - and what would this involve?

I just meant that currently they live separately so she isn’t familiar with a child staying over regularly as they both have their own houses so when DD stays she’s not always there, she doesn’t do pick ups/drop offs sickness, inset days, school holidays etc obviously she’s aware of those things but she doesn’t really KNOW them but if she lives with my DD Father then she will so I’m worried that she won’t be prepared & frankly why should she but I do not want to daunt her

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 06/04/2023 23:29

I suppose 18 months together isn’t very long when kids are involved. Actually it’s not a lot at all. How well can they know each other? How well does she know your dd?

But as others have said you can’t dictate what he does.

GrumpyPanda · 06/04/2023 23:30

Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:23

I just meant that currently they live separately so she isn’t familiar with a child staying over regularly as they both have their own houses so when DD stays she’s not always there, she doesn’t do pick ups/drop offs sickness, inset days, school holidays etc obviously she’s aware of those things but she doesn’t really KNOW them but if she lives with my DD Father then she will so I’m worried that she won’t be prepared & frankly why should she but I do not want to daunt her

Show quote history

All those are for the child's father to do. Unless of course he ropes her into doing the wife work for him. You could warn her to read the step-parenting board on here?

GreggsRoll · 06/04/2023 23:31

she doesn’t do pick ups/drop offs sickness, inset days, school holidays

Why would this change? She shouldn't be expected to do these when she moves in either.

It worries me actually now that you're going to expect her to take on a lot of childcare when she moves in. Your co parenting relationship shouldn't change, it's with him, not her, she doesn't need to do anything bar be kind and welcoming to your daughter. I'm sure she isn't stupid, she'll be aware that moving in with him means your DD will be there X many days/nights, her not having to do sickness/inset days before is irrelevant because she still wouldn't have to do that.

JudgeRudy · 06/04/2023 23:31

No, I dont think you ought say anything. It's not your call. Yes she might move in and they split up within 6 months or maybe 6 years, and yes the children might be upset by this. Life happens. You got divorced didn't you. How long did you two live together before you married, then before you had kids, before you divorced?
You seem to think she's going to get a rude awakening when she moves in. Has it occurred to you that it's you who might need to accept changes? He will need to run things by her, they'll be making decisions together. This might affect how things go for you. I believe you have your children's welfare at heart but I think 18monghs isn't rushing into anything. Bite your tongue else you're gonna rock the boat.

givingupchocolatemonday · 06/04/2023 23:36

I'm in a similar situation.
Yanbu for feeling like this as your simply putting your child first. However unfortunately it's out of your control, it's not a nice feeling but you have to go with it. If it doesn't work out between them, it's not the end of the world and most probably won't effect your child.

I actually did say something similar to my ex (but he moved her in after 4 months!) it made no difference. Split parenting is hard

Dontbelieveaword · 06/04/2023 23:38

Wow, you're expecting this woman to take on A LOT. So you basically want to warn her that she'll be taking on a 50/50 parenting role with you, that's she's to look after your child when she's off school ill or when there's an inset day and during school holidays in between doing the school drop offs and pick ups? What will your ex be doing? I think you're confusing their new living arrangements with ex and yourself getting yourselves an unpaid nanny. In that case, yeah, I'd be warning her

SD1978 · 06/04/2023 23:38

This is none of your concern. You've basically assumed she is going to be a full on parent from the start- they will do things their way. There is no trial run. They have been together for 18 months, she has been introduced to the kids, they are moving in. The situation has absolutely nothing to do with you, except that your kid feels supported and happy.

Original poster
Collisionofus77 · 06/04/2023 23:44

Dontbelieveaword · 06/04/2023 23:38

Wow, you're expecting this woman to take on A LOT. So you basically want to warn her that she'll be taking on a 50/50 parenting role with you, that's she's to look after your child when she's off school ill or when there's an inset day and during school holidays in between doing the school drop offs and pick ups? What will your ex be doing? I think you're confusing their new living arrangements with ex and yourself getting yourselves an unpaid nanny. In that case, yeah, I'd be warning her

I don’t expect her to do anything but invariably she will & I don’t want her to feel that’s her responsibility or ‘job’ & don’t want her to feel obligated or that’s normal & I expect it but no doubt it will happen

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 06/04/2023 23:52

When you say do a test run what does this entail? How does someone test run living with a partner? Do you mean they should somehow fund a shared home alongside two separate homes until you approve them living together?

she doesn’t do pick ups/drop offs sickness, inset days, school holidays

I've lived with my partner for four years and and don't do this either. Why would she need to do this? You and your ex have managed between the two of you until now...

ThinWomansBrain · 06/04/2023 23:54

I don’t want my DD to go to her home with them & then if it doesn’t work out for them with the commitment she’s gone

some relationships work, others don't. Yours didn't
you can't prevent your ex from ever having another relationship in case it doesn't work out.
DD will still have two parents.

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