Page 4 | Ex & girlfriend

Collisionofus77 · 2023-04-06T22:00:10+00:00

I’m new here but I’ve been warned that nobody likes a SM or new partner which I hope isn’t the case… My Ex of 7 ish years has had various GF over the years as have I with BF none of which have met our child. My Ex has now been in a relationship for 18M which I consider to be serious, she’s very kind & I do not dislike her at all however she doesn’t have children which isn’t a major issue but they are moving in together & I’m bit concerned as I don’t think she has prepared herself for the fact that we co parent. He’s a great Dad, always there but I’m concerned that he hasn’t been honest with her & as much as I think she’s great for him I worry that she’s not prepared for what’s to come. She’s met our DD & see’s her on weekends but don’t think she understands what she’s getting herself into..AIBU to tell my ex that he needs to do a months test run once they move in or leave it for him to deal with

Lachimolala · 07/04/2023 13:07

GreggsRoll · 06/04/2023 23:31

she doesn’t do pick ups/drop offs sickness, inset days, school holidays

Why would this change? She shouldn't be expected to do these when she moves in either.

It worries me actually now that you're going to expect her to take on a lot of childcare when she moves in. Your co parenting relationship shouldn't change, it's with him, not her, she doesn't need to do anything bar be kind and welcoming to your daughter. I'm sure she isn't stupid, she'll be aware that moving in with him means your DD will be there X many days/nights, her not having to do sickness/inset days before is irrelevant because she still wouldn't have to do that.

I didn’t read it like that, I read it more that GF might not understand or have the experience of BF OP’s ex having to drop everything and dash off, or date night might be cancelled due to sick child etc.

Currently GF is put first when alone with BF without child, when they’re all together in the same home she might find it difficult or struggle to adjust to suddenly dropping down the totem pole of importance so to speak.

I think it’s more that OP is worried that GF might not fully get what being a step parent figure might entail and that’s she’s worried it’ll all go wrong etc etc.

user1473878824 · 07/04/2023 13:07

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 13:01

She’s not becoming a parent though is she

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Well you seem to be expecting her to do school runs and sick days etc

userfred · 07/04/2023 13:08

Leave them to it op. It's lovely to hear she's great with your daughter and your dd likes her - especially on here!

Let them get on with it and try stay on good terms with them both. It makes life honestly so much easier! Just hope that your ex has found a lovely partner and one that can be an extra support in your daughters life. That's all you can ask for

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 07/04/2023 13:12

It sounds like you are way too involved in their relationship.

YABU to expect his gf to pick up parental responsibilities.

To be fair I would be a bit weirded out if my partner was discussing our relationship with his ex when it comes to bill splitting etc.

I think you need to let them handle this on their own, it's none of your business.

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 13:27

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 12:03

@nomoremerlot If I had a reason to dislike OP or think she was literally telling me what to do rather than just offering well meant advice, I might, but if all of my interactions with her had been positive and friendly, I'd probably be mildly heartened by her basically saying I shouldn't feel like I have to do anything - much better than the opposite which seems more common from exes.

I wouldn't need advice, I'm one of those women born with a brain and mind of my own.

I can negotiate a relationship with a man that I'm happy with, a respectful one.

Maybe some women need "friendly advise".

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 13:39

@nomoremerlot Ok, rephrase friendly advise for "making conversation", then 🤷‍♀️

People say things that could be construed as advice all the time, I don't think it's necessary to feel really hostile about it every time. It doesn't make it formal advice or somehow an instruction. It's just conversation.

I wouldn't seek her out if in any kind of premeditated, formal capacity to say this to her, but I don't see much harm in dropping it into conversation if they're already chatting.

I simply think people are being a bit overzealous on this one.

DoristheDuchess · 07/04/2023 13:57

OP have you considered how things might change if they have children?

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 14:03

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 13:39

@nomoremerlot Ok, rephrase friendly advise for "making conversation", then 🤷‍♀️

People say things that could be construed as advice all the time, I don't think it's necessary to feel really hostile about it every time. It doesn't make it formal advice or somehow an instruction. It's just conversation.

I wouldn't seek her out if in any kind of premeditated, formal capacity to say this to her, but I don't see much harm in dropping it into conversation if they're already chatting.

I simply think people are being a bit overzealous on this one.

And you think the controlling OP is just having a "convo" 😂!

She's interfering totally!

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 14:03

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 13:39

@nomoremerlot Ok, rephrase friendly advise for "making conversation", then 🤷‍♀️

People say things that could be construed as advice all the time, I don't think it's necessary to feel really hostile about it every time. It doesn't make it formal advice or somehow an instruction. It's just conversation.

I wouldn't seek her out if in any kind of premeditated, formal capacity to say this to her, but I don't see much harm in dropping it into conversation if they're already chatting.

I simply think people are being a bit overzealous on this one.

I think you're being totally blinkered!

UB40andaglassofwine · 07/04/2023 14:04

You are definitely trying to let her know that you still have a hold over him.
You sound controlling. Their arrangements while she's with them have nothing to do with you! Stop trying to mark your territory OP. You sound jealous

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 14:19

I think you're being totally blinkered!

If you say so. Like I said, I'm not on any level the kind of person that thinks it's ok to expect any kind of control over a SM.

But I think there are circumstances in which saying something like this would be pushy and controlling, and circumstances where it would just be part of a normal conversation.

I think people a projecting situations where the ex is a controlling nightmare, when this isn't in that territory (yet).

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 14:21

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 14:19

I think you're being totally blinkered!

If you say so. Like I said, I'm not on any level the kind of person that thinks it's ok to expect any kind of control over a SM.

But I think there are circumstances in which saying something like this would be pushy and controlling, and circumstances where it would just be part of a normal conversation.

I think people a projecting situations where the ex is a controlling nightmare, when this isn't in that territory (yet).

What in OPs posts makes you think it's a normal conversation?

The one where she says that's what she plans to do it, that alone is contrived and not "just conversation".

The one where she thinks she's got the right to advise they have a trial run?

FlowersAndBonnets · 07/04/2023 14:23

What part of it’s none of your business do you not understand, OP?

feghs324 · 07/04/2023 14:25

When I moved in with my partner and his two sons three years ago (they lived with us 75:25 at the time and now 50:50) we had been together around 18 months too and I definitely wasn't prepared for how challenging it would be. We are much better now as such big life changes take time. However if my partner's ex had tried to give me a test run or dictate how I live with my partner then let's just say it wouldn't have gone down very well

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 14:26

feghs324 · 07/04/2023 14:25

When I moved in with my partner and his two sons three years ago (they lived with us 75:25 at the time and now 50:50) we had been together around 18 months too and I definitely wasn't prepared for how challenging it would be. We are much better now as such big life changes take time. However if my partner's ex had tried to give me a test run or dictate how I live with my partner then let's just say it wouldn't have gone down very well

Justifiably so!

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 14:43

*What in OPs posts makes you think it's a normal conversation?

The one where she says that's what she plans to do it, that alone is contrived and not "just conversation".

The one where she thinks she's got the right to advise they have a trial run?*

Yes, the second part concerned me. But the fact that she further explained that she didn't expect her to do those things and recognised that her ex already tries to push responsibilities into her so is likely to do that with his GF, sounded more positive to me. It's certainly better than the usual attitude of exes on here.

Plus, it's not clear how much they have to do with each other, if they're on speaking terms. She said she was lovely so presumably she's met her. If they're the kind of ex/new girlfriend who regularly talk, I really don't think this would be that bad. Obviously if they don't speak much, it would be weird.

nomoremerlot · 07/04/2023 14:45

aSofaNearYou · 07/04/2023 14:43

*What in OPs posts makes you think it's a normal conversation?

The one where she says that's what she plans to do it, that alone is contrived and not "just conversation".

The one where she thinks she's got the right to advise they have a trial run?*

Yes, the second part concerned me. But the fact that she further explained that she didn't expect her to do those things and recognised that her ex already tries to push responsibilities into her so is likely to do that with his GF, sounded more positive to me. It's certainly better than the usual attitude of exes on here.

Plus, it's not clear how much they have to do with each other, if they're on speaking terms. She said she was lovely so presumably she's met her. If they're the kind of ex/new girlfriend who regularly talk, I really don't think this would be that bad. Obviously if they don't speak much, it would be weird.

She's an interfering busybody and I hope the new partner tells her to MHOB!

Bloody nerve, it's like "were the sisterhood", no your the ex and probably fir a very good reason.

NewNameNigel · 07/04/2023 20:32

Collisionofus77 · 07/04/2023 10:15

Yes, she’s already had the separation of her parents I don’t want her to get close to her DD’s GF & then for her to leave. I know it’s my ex’s relationship & down to him to ensure it doesn’t happen but I want her to be sure she understands what she’s getting herself into

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Well then you should have worked harder on your relationship shouldn't you? Because that's the only thing that was in your control.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/04/2023 20:47

When we moved in together my DH’s ex had a solicitor write a letter saying as I didn’t have children she didn’t want me being alone with the DC. We rolled our eyes, binned the letter and went about our lives as best suited us and the DC.

It was she, a couple of years later, who moved a rando she’d met online a few days earlier into her home and had him doing the school run for her. It didn’t last.